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Newest Member: youtookawaymyfriend

Just Found Out :
Why do I not have a spine?

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BtraydWife ( member #42581) posted at 9:14 PM on Friday, August 22nd, 2014

We want you to get stronger. You have been reading in an effort to change some things about yourself that you'd like to improve. You've been a mama to your sweet new baby. And you've been just trying to survive. You're a pretty busy lady.

I was not able to do all that you are doing this soon after dday. I know you're strong.

So, what do you want in a guy? I bet you want a guy, that wants you.

Some wayward spouses come running back home, begging for a chance to make things better. I bet you want that.

Unfortunately, your husband doesn't seem to be one of those. Ask yourself, what is it that is keeping him away?

It's not you, even though you kicked him out and even though you don't respond to his one liners, you aren't what keeps him away.

He keeps himself away. He may not enjoy this new situation (although I believe he probably does) but for him it's better than doing what it takes to be with his family.

If he felt he was making the biggest mistake of his life and wanted, NEEDED, to be with you, you'd know it. Instead, every so often, probably when he's alone and needing validation, he sends a small blurb.

Even if email isn't his thing, nobody, except you, is making any extreme effort to change the existing situation.

You know when you are new to this terror and you have that fear that if you say what you really want to say you'll push them into the arms of their whore?

I understand that notion but it's wrong. Don't you think if you had any power to cause them to do something, you'd use it to make them step up and fix things?

She caused me to do it, is what they say when they don't want to own their own behavior, usually because it's bad behavior. I caused him to do it, is what we say we when we try to take responsibility for something that is not ours to own.

It comes from a need to control and it's driven by fear. We can't control what our spouses do, and when they are waywards, that's terrifying.

You can't make him want you bad enough to work for it. I'm so sorry. I know how devastating that is. You aren't preventing him from showing you he desperately wants you back.

So lets say there are two kinds of kids who shoot their first basketball. Both miss all the shots they take and they both feel down. One kids kicks the ball and says I never wanted to play basketball anyway, its stupid. And the other says, I'm going to practice shooting baskets so I can get better.

It's no mystery who ends up playing college basketball. Maybe the first kid would have been better at making baskets but his heart wasn't into it, so he wouldn't have been a better player.

Now is it basketball or monogamy that's stupid?

You've got yourself a quitter with no heart into it.

If you asked him to come back and promised you wouldn't bug him or ask questions, I think he'd be back in a heartbeat. He wants a doormat, not a wife. A spouse is suppose to be a partner. Certainly you lean on one another but for the most part it's an even exchange. You posted about how all he did was take, take, take.

Are you really missing him, or are you missing saving him? Because you can't save him from this mess without sacrificing yourself.

Have you seen a lawyer? I don't want to push but if you feel you need to do something besides what you are doing, that would be next.

Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010

posts: 5437   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 6920360
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Edie ( member #26133) posted at 7:57 AM on Saturday, August 23rd, 2014

Rationally, I get it that he does not care for me, maybe even despises me. He has never been particularly warm and in the end he was straight out verbally abusive, a couple times even in the 'grey area' of physically abuse. But I've never been in a relationship where the guy treated me particularly well so this is tremendously hard to try to break out of my pattern.

It is great that you recognise the pattern, and now can begin to explore what is at its roots. Therapy may not be affordable for you but there is a lot of online information that could prove really useful as you begin this journey of self-discovery. You are breaking the pattern now, it may be a pattern that has been handed down through the generations in one way or another and now BECAUSE YOU HAVE A VERY GOOD SPINE you are breaking it and seeking a new way for both you and your child. That is fantastic. Do you have friends that can support you? Is there any groups you can join? Mother and baby groups? Abused women? A craft club? Do you have any (safe) family of your own? I am not sure what country you are in, is there anywhere you can get free legal advice?

This is a difficult period in your life but you will look back in the future and see it as a wake-up moment where you started to practice a love for self and realised how much more secure that is than the trying to generate self-realisation through the love of another. It is also a precious time with a baby, these early months and years, I hope that despite current heartache and stress you can use mindfulness technique and practice to be very present in the time you spend with your child.

Be very proud, you have chosen self-respect and are standing tall. We are behind you, applauding.

posts: 6663   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 6920934
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BtraydWife ( member #42581) posted at 3:56 AM on Sunday, August 24th, 2014

Thinking about you. I know you aren't ok but I hope your hanging in there.

Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010

posts: 5437   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 6921597
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 Tigaress (original poster member #43954) posted at 2:05 PM on Sunday, August 24th, 2014

Thank you Edie :-)

And thank you BtraydWife. You are right, ok would be overstating it but it's better than the last few days. The amazing support I received here helped so much :-)

Strange how emotional states fluctuate. Well, it did contribute that I had finally received a few short communications from him - including one 'I still love you' - and seen him bad mouthing me once again to one of his exes ... In that sense I guess no news from him is better. Trying to focus on studying, another exam is coming up .. Won't allow him to ruin my new career.

posts: 508   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: New York
id 6921826
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BlueBlueEyes ( member #43949) posted at 2:52 PM on Sunday, August 24th, 2014

Tigaress. One more thing to point out. I look at screen names. Mine is basically sad eyes. Others are broken, wounded, shattered, fooled. Etc. Yet you chose a name of strength. Tigaress!! Doesn't that really show us all something. I admire you. Time to ditch the anchor. Yes, I'm in the Navy

BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious

posts: 194   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Texas
id 6921853
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cosmicjoke ( member #39159) posted at 3:19 PM on Sunday, August 24th, 2014

I agree with everyone else Tigaress.. You DO have a strong spine! There is a special place in Hell for guys who abandon their wife/gf who just gave birth to their (mutual) child.

Focus on what you said about how *abusive* he's been. AND getting worse. And it feels like he despises you? Sometimes they treat you that way while they're in the fog to cover up their infidelity, but snap out it eventually and treat you better.. but as for him, I don't see anything good about the way he's treated you or treats you. And his few words (and, lack of words) speak volumes..!

Do you really want/need any more of that? And think about how that kind of toxic environment is going to affect your child in the long run. Not to mention YOU.

Do you have family nearby? Or any kind of support? It sounds like you are feeling isolated. I agree with the poster who said you can't depend on your MIL for continued loyalty... they almost always end up being traitors too- they are as bad as the OW, protecting the BS and their shitty behavior.

I agree that you should stop the FB. Let him be a man and come to you, look you in the eye and talk to your face- and stop playing these torture games with you. And let the stupid OW have him. He's HER problem now! Why would she want a cheating, abusive jerk who just abandoned his loyal wife and mother of his newborn baby anyway...?? Ugh! Let her have him!

So sorry you're dealing with this crap, ((Tigaress)).. You deserve better..!!

[This message edited by cosmicjoke at 9:38 AM, August 24th (Sunday)]

posts: 506   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2013
id 6921870
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 Tigaress (original poster member #43954) posted at 11:59 PM on Thursday, September 18th, 2014

It's been a while ... but now I'm back.

My husband has been out of the country for two months now. The first month, we still had sporadic contact via email. Then he disappeared from the face of the earth for a month. Yesterday, he suddenly reappeared - and I'm having panic attacks. My baby and I are visiting family in and I'm extremely worried that he might be sitting in the apartment when we're returning home.

I have no idea what happened over the last month and I don't even know if he's still out of the country or already back ... I need to get my act together and calm down :-(

When he emailed yesterday it was a short email, sounding as if nothing ever happened. I responded back that we were very very far away from that kind of email being appropriate. Immediately, hostility emerged and he started attacking me. Even now while I'm writing this my heart starts beating faster . What should I do?

posts: 508   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: New York
id 6950871
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Softcentre ( member #39166) posted at 9:28 AM on Friday, September 19th, 2014

So...he sent you that email hoping he'd be able to pretend that all was fine and that you'd fall for it and rugsweep with him.

The anger is because he's realised you won't play his game. So now he's casting you as the persecutor and he's the poor widdle victim...who gets to be angry at the nasty wasty wifey who just spurned him.

Yup, he's completely still. He's conveniently not thinking about what he did to you...HIS feelings are the ones that matter.

What do you do? Well, what do you want? How do you feel about how he's treating you? How can you make sure that YOU don't let him keep treating you badly?

Me: BW
Him: XWH
2 Children

Finally reached indifference & looking forward to my new beginning

posts: 1629   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2013   ·   location: UK
id 6951262
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Edie ( member #26133) posted at 8:04 PM on Friday, September 19th, 2014

Tigress,

I suggest asking the question down in NPD thread, as you need to find the best strategies to get out and home to US safely, and that might mean not alerting him to your plans until they are enacted. He is very abusive. Take care.

posts: 6663   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 6951898
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