SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ok so maybe I had a breach in NC, kinda started with me trying to express that I need some space during her campaign of nicing me and having to duck several of her calls.

I feel like I should share the convo, I need clarity that I don't think anyone can give me. I sometimes get the feeling she's genuinely repentant but I also don't feel like I might have the capacity to truly forgive even then. I feel like I have some obligation to at least try, based on what little is left of my Christian faith and my views on marital commitment, but I'm also coming to a place where I'm feeling more interested and optimistic about finding new relationships and I really haven't even thought about another woman since I've met her.

Naturally, she still doesn't cop to anything physical. I highly doubt she'll Google our conversations so here goes.

Me:

I need some time, I can't just talk to you like nothing is wrong, you cheated on me, you treated me like shit and I am just about boiling over this weekend, you really can't imagine what that's like to pledge your life to somebody and have them shit all over you, I'm not sure human beings were made to deal with that kind of pain, I'm trying to find a way to make sense of it all and move forward but it's just not easy. I'm definitely going to get some counseling and try to take proper care of myself but I still don't have all my benefits information in.

Wifey Dearest

There's never been anything physical if it helps at all. I understand you're frustrated, and I have my own pain, frustrations and disappointments about our relationship. I know it's not easy and it absolutely breaks my heart that you won't let me help you work through this. The whole thing rips my heart out. Does it really make it easier to reject me and shut me out? It's an issue we face together...I'm not expecting you to act like nothing's wrong, because there's obviously no denying that there is. I certainly want you to get your own counseling and take care of yourself, I love you and care about you more than even I knew and miss you more than you can imagine. Just know that again, if there's anything I can do please let me know. I want nothing more than to help, talk, and work with you...

Me:

I really don't have any faith that you'll give him up anyways

Wifey Dearest

I would... If I had somewhere to actually move to right now I would. Even went over this in my own therapy. He is my friend, but you are my husband and with you is where I want to be. I want to do whatever it takes to prove that to you.

I have everything I need but an actual apartment. I have my furniture, bedding, all of it. I'm doing my absolute best to get the money together for an apartment. I've put in 14 applications for a second job this weekend alone and trying to seek whatever I can to help bridge that gap as well.

*sell whatever I can to help bridge that gap as well.

I even tried to contact a shelter/transitional housing and would store my stuff at <family's> but they won't let me bring <our dog>...I can't apply for housing assistance because I don't have my taxes from last year. I have to keep trying until I can get the money together... I'm hoping to do an apartment application tomorrow for a place in <town we lived in> actually.

Is there anything I can do now to help provide you that peace of mind and security?

Me:

I don't know what I need or want. All I wanted was you to be faithful and at my side all my life, that didn't exactly work out too well. What I want now changes every 5 minutes and my head is spinning. Too confused to do anything, hence I want counseling

Wifey Dearest

I promise you, wholeheartedly, with everything that I am, that I can be faithful and by your side is where I want to be. What I want doesn't change... Ever. Trying to stay positive has been incredibly difficult but I have to. Everyone I know is doing what they can to help and tons of people are praying for you, me, and us. I know you want counseling, and I hope you can get in somewhere soon. Where I've been going isn't expensive even without insurance and has been incredibly helpful. Maybe you could go there until you get your information. It's so hard for me to know you're hurting and there's nothing I can do. I want to be with you and comfort you and talk through it all and prove myself to you.

If you give the opportunity, I will give you everything I can. I've tried to share with you my changes and progress. If I have to checkin every night when I get in, I will. I try to remain consistent with my messages and communication with you. I'll give you my journal if you want it so you can read it all from May until now. If you come up with something, let me know...

Me:

Why couldn't you give me any of this when i was desperately trying to work it out? It's like you thought I'd never grow a backbone and stand up for myself.

Wifey Dearest

I've prayed for reconciliation from the 16th on. I've dug within myself to uncover and resolve my flaws and issues. Listening to marriage podcasts, bible studies, prayer, started working with a prayer counselor, CoDA, bipolar/mental health relationship help, my journal, therapy, and making a daily goal list to keep me on track. I've quit drinking and only allow myself some wine on occasion, I know you were upset with me for letting myself get back into it. I'm home at a decent time every night. I keep friends, but don't let anything cross lines and shut anything down that even seems funny. I'll give you my passwords so you can check if you'd like... I've put more effort than you know into getting even this far and willing to do whatever it takes. All I need is that opportunity.

Me:

Just need to say I'm just about past what a xanax can do for me so I'm going to try to unwind and work on a stones song tonight, just need some time to myself

Wifey Dearest

Ok sweetie, I'm sorry..I know I've had a consistent issue since like 8:30 so I understand. Get some rest and feel better....If you need me or there's anything I can do let me know....

Goodnight <3

I just don't know what to believe and what's real, I used to believe she wanted everything I did and to work on our problems in marriage, I saw how that worked out. There's the part of my heart still connected to her that I real wish just had an off switch. But I don't think I have the capacity for this level of forgiveness, or can I imagine ever really respecting her again. Or even wonder how she could respect me if I took her back after that.

There's the dark humor part of my mind that sees reconciliation as a possible novel way of recreating her parents F#s%ed relationship.

Maybe I shoulda picked Dazed&Confused as a member name, then again I'm sure somebody snagged that one. And yes, I'm only taking the xanax on the really bad days, less than weekly. 2x4s are welcome, there's a few steel bars laying around here if you think it'll take something more serious.

tell her this is not negotiable. she stops talking to, seeing or communicating in any way shape or form to her "best friend" otherwise known as the OM.

and when she's stopped talking to him for a month, you will reconsider the divorce.

she dumps him first. don't negotiate it. it's a demand. if she won't comply, tell her to stop talking to you.

and then.... stop talking to her. she knows what the deal is. she's trying to manipulate you while at the same time living with her "best friend."

Seems like she could put away the lace g string and pull up some big girl panties.

I see in this convo her testing the waters with a I would if I could...but I can't so I wont. attitude.

I do think their is hope for your M....but keep in mind I have CoD tendencies, so I can be overly optimistic.

Tough times call for tough choices.

Right now it appears to me she is recognizing she is in tough times....but is refraining from making tough choices.

She have any friends with kids she could get to watch her dog for her? Any girlfriends who she could bum a couch from for a week at a time and do this with 4 girlfriends?

Come on...she doesn't have money to support herself NOW?!? How does she think that is going to improve after a D?

Again, she needs to grow up and start DOING healthy things.

Any effort she puts into supporting herself NOW would NOT be a wasted effort, regardless if your M is R or D.....unless she plans on shacking up with this friend after the D. If that is her "plan B"....well, you have your answer. If that is the case she is still clinging to the false lie that the OM was the reason she choose to cheat. Until that fantasy is let go, she will not move to healthier spots.

Keep the faith, brother.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:56 AM, August 11th (Monday)]

On a brighter note......

"(long, as always)"

caught my attention in your topic title!!!

It did because I, like apparently you are, am more of a "novelist" then a "poster" here on SI!!!!

I am still aiming for one of those SI members who, in one paragraph, can efficiently convey their topic with enough clarity to post a thought provoking post!!!!

Until then....the length of your posts make me feel normal. Thank you.

Peace.

Actions speak louder then words. I would see what she is doing rather then what she is telling you that she is doing.

She also needs to give up OM like yesterday.

Goodluck, I hope she pulls her head out of the sand and works towards R if that's what you both truly want.

She keeps asking for an 'opportunity'. The problem is, she HAD an opportunity, and she blew it. You are under no obligation to give her a second or third chance. For some people, this is a deal breaker. End of story.

Like everyone else said, she has to show repentance with her actions, not her words. Starting with respecting your wishes and giving you space. Then absolutely NC with OM. If she has to camp in her car, she should do that rather than live with OM.

So sorry you're going through this shit. Sometimes it's easier when WS isn't interested in R. At least then they don't claim you had a 'choice' in the matter.

She have any friends with kids she could get to watch her dog for her? Any girlfriends who she could bum a couch from for a week at a time and do this with 4 girlfriends?

The ridiculous part of that is I'd happily look after the dog, I'm the one who picked him out and adopted him to begin with! My folks can handle having him around, we have 2 full grown boxers here that he gets along with. The only reason I haven't seen my dog in 3 months is that it inherently requires seeing her! And that tiny nugget of drama makes me glad there are no children in the matter.

Which of course leads into the grand nightmare of my possible future, what if I took her back and we had a mortgage and kids next time I catch her with her skirt up? She'll still get at least 50% custody cuz she's female and I'll have to fight for my own house!

Sometimes it's easier when WS isn't interested in R. At least then they don't claim you had a 'choice' in the matter.

I've had this thought repeatedly!

[This message edited by BitterlyCynical at 10:15 AM, August 11th (Monday)]

Sorry, but fuck her. She has no intentions of giving up her "friend". I also wouldn't trust the "nothing physical" part. Adults have sex. They don't hold hands. She doesn't get it. She can talk all day long, but her actions say something different.

Also, her messages read very much of "but what about meeeeeee? I hurt too. This is really about meeeeeee!"

Oh and Blake I'm still waiting for my book deal offer! Will have to market my autobio as fiction though as anyone would take a look at me and say "nobody's that naive!". What's CoD?

I'm starting to introspect that I have some serious detachment stuff, why I don't do well with communication and sharing feelings, etc. Probably why I put up with so much. But naturally this crap has broken down the walls and hitting me hard with stuff I've never had to deal with before.

If you can take the dog off her hands, then take him.

Why should she get your best friend?

As for the trust--time will tell.

But yeah, like everyone else said, she gives up OM like yesterday, and R is still JUST a slim possibility. She doesn't get to hang on to OM in case you guys divorce. She needs to break it off, and be 100% transparent.

She sounds like she just wants a place to live.

and I have my own pain, frustrations and disappointments about our relationship.

Blameshifting. Selfish. Classic wayward.

I would... If I had somewhere to actually move to right now I would. Even went over this in my own therapy. He is my friend, but you are my husband and with you is where I want to be. I want to do whatever it takes to prove that to you.

Blah blah blah. There is always another option. I moved in temporarily with friends on DDay. Her still staying at his place means that she is saying she would do anything for you, but actually doing nothing at all, zip, zilch, zero. Maybe you could take the dog and she could move in with family? That is the first step.

If she is staying with him, you don't try to R. Period.

Holding onto your self-respect is definitely a good guiding point here--it will keep you strong.

Thanks, think I need to keep being reminded that she's just another wayward. I've kept her on a pedestal for far too long.

Why do they have to make us wait 12 damn months for D?! History is not going to be magically rewritten cuz I had to sit on my hands for a year. She'll still be a cheating #&@*%. I'll just be a year older. Stupid state, am I not capable of making grown-up decisions? </sleepy rant>

Self respect sounds like a good idea too, I should try that. Maybe I can find it on sale?

I was going to post- but then I read Nora - and it was pretty much exactly what I was going to say (and quote)

She's not there - not even close to R, and I'm sorry for the "it hurts me not to be able to help you" drivel she's shoveling at you. NC was a life saver (pretty literally) for me during my separation. (and I agree -- I *hate* the year long separation requirement.)