SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry that you are here, friend.

You are going to get a lot of advice, and the best thing that you can do is to read, and reread....so you can understand some of the dos and don'ts moving forward.

She is a great mother and wife.

First off, get that out of your mind. She has the potential to be a great wife and mother, but great wives and mothers don't go out banging other men. They don't crush the one that they took vows with, and they don't set terrible examples for their children to follow. So please---do not put her on a pedestal when she is not worthy. It detracts from her real issues.

I have been to see a counselor, but she is too embarrassed and ashamed to to yet

This is another HUGE problem.

How is she doing EVERYTHING that she can to show you her dedication, when she won't even look at herself in the mirror? How will she learn to put safeguards in place in the future, to prevent poor decisions, when she doesn't even have a clue on where to start?

NotMike, it is the actions of your wife that will help you build trust again in the future. Right now, she is untrustworthy---and for good reason. And it is important for you to not only realize this, but to take action from it---because you have to believe me when I tell you that more cheating is in the future without her putting in a LOT of hard work.

And that is not even mentioning the work that you will have to do on yourself to move past this. Infidelity is traumatic shit. It will be with you for a long time. How you handle it, is entirely up to you. But if you take the right steps, you can avoid many pitfalls that lie ahead.

Keep posting. Keep reading. The more that we know, that more that we can help.

Be carefully!

WW are tricky. Mine hid a burner phone in the bathroom vanity, under the sink. The bathroom is the one place in the house where she could expect total privacy. How do you know this guy is from out of the country? How did they meet? Try to find his wife and drop the dime!

I am sorry she my be your wife but she is no longer your best friend. My H was my best friend, my world, my absolute everything. He lost that title when he chose to cheat on me. So very sad because things will never be the same, you will always have that slight inkling of doubt in the back of your mind, for a very long time, even if they are totally faithful to you in the future. You can work through it together, some say their marriages are even better the second time around, but for me it wont ever be the same.

It has been over a month now since I found out and a couple weeks since I posted on here. My wife still continues daily to try to make up for her mistake. I have come to a few realizations as well. I cannot make decisions for my wife and I have to hope that she will make the right choices in the future. In my situation she did not fall in love with someone else, she does not wish to be with someone else and she will do anything for myself and my family. She made a mistake, and she may make mistakes in the future, but she is still my best friend and the woman that makes me the happiest. If she continues to make these poor choices then I will find out that I was a fool and be worse off for it, but my life is better with her in it and her life is better with me in it. Maybe I will find out that she has cheated more in the past or will cheat again in the future, but to be honest, as long as she continues to love me, care for my family, and keep us happy, then I do not care. I do not want her to, but I want her to be happy.

I have been working out again, and at 36 years old, I look the best I have ever looked in my life. Our relationship is stronger now than it has been over the last six years. Our love life has intensified and has become even better that it was in the past, which was never dull to begin with. My wife is more in love with me than she was in the past. I give my wife more attention and she does the same to me. I am not happy about how I felt a month ago, and I still have moments where I am upset and think about things a little too much, but our marriage is now stronger than it ever had been in the past. If this had not happened now it may have happened in the future with much different results. We have been through a horrible and difficult situation but have survived and are stronger because of it.

Well I hope it all works out for you both and glad to hear that you are both happy.

Just wanted to say that I misunderstood you, I thought your wife had slept with OM more than once, because sleeping with someone once would be a mistake, but more than once is calculated and it is called infidelity, and being a cheater.

"If she continues to make these poor choices then I will find out that I was a fool and be worse off for it, but my life is better with her in it and her life is better with me in it. Maybe I will find out that she has cheated more in the past or will cheat again in the future, but to be honest, as long as she continues to love me, care for my family, and keep us happy, then I do not care. I do not want her to, but I want her to be happy."

If you are willing to accept anything she does then I dont think you will have any problems.

NM88 is your wife in IC yet? Are you having IC?

I sincerely hope you are able to work this through with her but remember you're only just over a month on from D-day.

Forgive me if I've read it wrong (I'm sure others will correct me) but there's things in your last post that suggest you're rugsweeping somewhat and the improved love life is likely to be something called 'hysterical bonding'.

Clearly you are currently willing to risk 'looking a fool and being worse off for it' if she continues to make further 'mistakes'. Please be prepared for that possibility because it will feel like hell on earth if, God forbid, it does happen!

I wish you all the best.

It's great you feel better. But fair warning, one month is not long at all.

Do you have access to all of your wife's passwords now. Are you going to "monitor" her behavior.

You wrote in your first post that she missed this OM. It is unusual that she got over him this quickly.

You wonder if she has had other affairs.

If this is a pattern of your wife after 5 years of marriage, she needs to be in IC. And if you let this affair be swept under the carpet, there is a good chance it will happen again.

You said her reasons were daddy issues and a switch turned on. That sounds too convenient. And now everything is back to normal.

I dont want to throw cold water on your recovery, but you should be very wary.

You most certainly need to watch her every move for quite a while and she needs to be in therapy for these "Daddy issues". Otherwise, she will have those same issues again.

You have to be wary of her from now on unless she gets her daddy issues straightened out, or you could find yourself in the same position again.

No disrespect intended, but it seems like you are totally minimizing and rug sweeping the issue rather addressing it and going through the healing process.

From experience of being around here for 6 years I can tell you the odds of another A are high if you both don't do the work which takes years (not 1 month).

Lets see if I understand this exercise in total denial and acceptance.

Thirty days ago, your wife goes to a business conference and fucks another man. She does NOT confess to you, you discover it.

She then tells you that she really enjoyed it because he had a bigger dick than you. A real statement of remorse.

Now the OM happens to live out of the country, or are you naive enough to think that if he was local with his big dick that it would not still be going on.????

Now that she is busted, and OM is not available, she gives you make up sex for the last thirty days and gives you her passwords and transparency.

And what is your reaction to all of this?????

Maybe I will find out that she has cheated more in the past or will cheat again in the future, but to be honest, as long as she continues to love me, care for my family, and keep us happy, then I do not care.

WELCOME TO YOUR OPEN MARRIAGE

No one is telling you that reconciliation is not possible, but you have by the above statement just given her a "hall pass" to do it again if she gets the urge with no consequences. If you go to a website called Polyamory.com, which is where you should be posting, you can find that exact qoute in numerous places. It is called "compersion", which means you love your spouse so much and want her happiness above all else that you are willing to live with her having a boyfriend or fuck buddy as long as she stays with you. I know this because at one time my wife actually talked to me about this (I rejected it outright), but I did investigate and learn what the hell she was talking about.

You statement of total bliss would probably been a whole lot different had this OM been local or a co-worker. That was just pure luck.

You obviously have not read too much on this site or you would have seen all the signatures that say DD#1, DD#2, DD3#, etc. A good portion of those occurred because the BS accepted this behavior the first time and told the WS that all they wanted was for the marriage to stay intact.

the next time your wife goes to a business conference, you better hope this big dicked fellow is not at it again. because if she does it again, here is what you will here

"It meant nothing, it was just sex"

"Honey, you said you wanted me to be happy"

being a good Mom has absolutely nothing to do with putting another man's penis in her vagina. Probably ninety percent of the women who cheat can make that statement.

Your situation is not uncommon, and i hope you are correct. the advice you get the next time will be the same. At that point, maybe you will have learned something.

Good luck.

Please read my last post. All points still apply.

No one here is telling you to divorce and move on. What we are telling you is that infidelity is a HUGE betrayal, and for your marriage to grow from this, the infidelity needs to be dealt with. I can guarantee that avoiding this situation will only lead to problems down the road. You simply don't sweep something this traumatic under the rug, and hope that it goes away.

No matter what, good luck moving forward.

Please do not talk yourself into being happy whether or not your WW sees other men so long as she gives you attention and behaves like herself, as the wife you know and love...

The day to day patterns in our lives , the things that we become accustomed to in order to get thru the day, will change as we change, this is guaranteed..

If she is allowed to keep the marriage while seeing other people, there will come a time, maybe years away ( like when you are ready to retire ), that things will implode.. If you aren't somewhat prepared for the worst, life will totally suck... physically...psychologically... financially...

There may or may not be another D-day in the future..If another D -day never comes to be, just the fact that you have to live with this is bad enough..

Your WW turning herself inside out to be transparent may or may not be enough as the years go by..

And you will know in a matter of months how devoted and patient your WW is in the aftermath of D day...Often times WS's are empathetic with us for a short while,but this wears thin after a while and their old and familiar behaviors take over..

Maybe this is a one time cheating, maybe not..

It doesn't matter..

There is a certain mentality that the WS has that allow (s)(ed) them to betray us...Toss us away in favor of their momentary pleasure/selfishness..This to me is what is the hardest to process and accept..

Keep yourself protected..Legally..Financially..for the rest of your life...

To stay in the marriage, your WW should be asked to take radical action to show her devotion to you and the marriage..It may not be comfortable or pleasant for her but so what...

Post Nup would be one good move to protect you..

Polygraph would be something that she should be willing to undergo.

This is betrayal that has lifelong consequences and implications whether or not you stay in the marriage..

Support from trusted friends and a good counselor would be helpful..

I can't imagine going thru this alone any more than I could imagine losing somebody I love to death and having to go thru that alone...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:38 AM, September 1st (Monday)]

Mike

Do not sell your self short.

There is nothing wrong with loving your WW.

But if you truly love each other then there comes accountability.

Do not accept that she is too embarrassed to speak to a therapist. Because your WW was not embarrassed to have unprotected sex with the European big throbbing manhood was she.

Tell her she owes it to herself to go to therapy to figure out why she thought it was ok to cheat on you. To lie to you.

That is what two people will do if they love each other.

Keep loving your wife Mike. But hold her accountable.

That is what will make your marriage truly strong.

HM

And what is your reaction to all of this?????

Maybe I will find out that she has cheated more in the past or will cheat again in the future, but to be honest, as long as she continues to love me, care for my family, and keep us happy, then I do not care.

I am totally with Badhurt's quote below in response to the above.

WELCOME TO YOUR OPEN MARRIAGE

Mike, no one wants you to experience more pain and thus the responses.

Tell me something, how do you plan to enforce the future or is it a foregone conclusion.... as in she has a pass already? It just seems there is no consequence here or enforcement on your part to ensure your needs and relationship to the marriage if there is even to be reconciliation...

this is classic rug sweeping in my opinion.

It is your life in the end and I wish you luck and all the best.