SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It is seemingly impossible to stop thinking about everything she's done. Maybe I am finally coming out of shock after all this time. I had a rough night, decided to hell with it - I skipped the gym, came home, made dinner, opened a bottle of wine, and tried my hardest to go the night without thinking about my stbxww and all her bullshit. Am I the only one who wakes up, and their mind starts thinking about something their WS did weeks, months, years ago that was really damaging, hurtful, and cruel? It seems like I can't go a morning without a new memory popping back into my head. It is as if I am reliving things she did throughout our marriage all over again, every damn day. I go from sadness to anger, back to sadness and both. I get this will end EVENTUALLY and I will be done with the roller-coaster. But in the meantime, I am getting so sick, depressed, and my very ability to enjoy life keeps taking hit after hit.

I honestly just want to stop thinking about her and the hurt she's caused. I am sick of it. I am sick of what it is doing to me. I am sick of how much this woman has control over my thoughts and pain. I am sick of even thinking about a woman who blatantly walked away and watched me bleed out from her own knife. I am sick of her coming back time after time to twist the blade doing so without ANY remorse...nothing but guilt guilt guilt . I blocked her number already, told her to stay the hell away from me, and filed back in May. I just want her to never be a thought again because any thought of her is so toxic to me. I am so pissed at her blatant selfish and immature choices, and how they have pissed all over any good memories we had or experiences we shared. She threw gasoline over everything and lit the match.

I can't believe she got a tattoo to remind her of me and had the audacity to send me a picture of it over the weekend. She had the audacity to put on her body an image and representation of something very personal to me, very beautiful to me, and very important to me. The tattoo's image is burned into my mind. It artistically represented everything I gave her. And you know what is really fucked up? I did all this while she was still having her affair, and I didn't even know it. She had the audacity to take everything I gave to her and piss all over it. Telling me how even if we can't be together she will always have this to remember me by. She ENDED the marriage and R. It was HER choice...we can't be together? You freaking made sure of that! I don't understand her and I frankly don't think I ever can. She is twisted and cruel. She has compartmentalized so much that she has now put me in a little tattoo on her back so she can look in the mirror anytime to feel good about herself, to remind her she once had love, to remind HER it was once good before she tainted it, and to make HERSELF feel better when the reality of all the shit she's done to me gets to be a little too much and she needs her hit of a fantasy to not have to feel the pain she's caused. That's what I have become to her... a god damn tarnished image and tattoo on her back for all her new boyfriends to see as they take her from behind. I am so sick to my stomach and so hurt. I hate her for this and I wish she would just stop destroying what is left that is good inside of me. She is such a monster...she doesn't even get how much she is screwing me up.

[This message edited by justme1264 at 7:33 AM, August 13th (Wednesday)]

You're suffering because you were kneecapped by the discovery of her cheating. You didn't get the chance to slowly detach, as she did.

She is able to rewrite everything and make fond memories of your time together, while you have to wonder when she first started making her destructive decisions, when she first started dropping out of the marriage. And that sucks.

Keep getting mad for a while, if that helps. You need to do whatever it takes to get yourself through this. Eventually, you'll find yourself not wanting to be mad anymore.

When that happens, it can be hard to totally let go of the anger, but for now it's a useful tool.

Hey JustMe. I'm sorry you are suffering so badly today. I know exactly how you feel. I still think about my H every morning first thing. And then throughout the day, as well. I try to head them off and change my thoughts to me and to live in the moment. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It truly is exhausting recovering from the bullshit we have been given. It's not fair that they get to take up so much of our headspace and go merrily about their lives. And we are left to pick up the pieces left in their wake. But we will be stronger for this. It is not the way I would have chosen, but we will get there. I told my H when he tried to come back, that there is nothing I can say or do to him that will ever cause him as much pain as he has caused me. His answer was that yes I could because that's what it would do if I did not take him back. Well, 5. Months later, he is no longer able to help me heal. His happiness is more important than making sure I am going to be ok. He is too selfish and weak to face what he has done. He is not going to change, and it doesn't sound like your wife is either. The only thing left to do is change us so tht they can no longer hurt us. Only then can we heal. I wish you luck and hope you can find a little bit of peace in every day!

He is not going to change, and it doesn't sound like your wife is either. The only thing left to do is change us so tht they can no longer hurt us. Only then can we heal.

Thank you for this. It never ceases to amaze me how much it helps to have other people understand. It helps to be reminded that I can do something to stop any new hurts.

She is able to rewrite everything and make fond memories of your time together, while you have to wonder when she first started making her destructive decisions, when she first started dropping out of the marriage.

100%, on the head, right. I have to keep reminding myself I am the one who can look in the mirror and am proud of what they see. I'll get through this. One tear at a time. One post at time. One gym session at a time. One friend's support at time. One relapse at a time. One day a time.

[This message edited by justme1264 at 7:59 AM, August 13th (Wednesday)]

Exactly right JustMe! I always say we live like alcoholics now: one day at a time and a lot if the serenity prayer!! We will get through this!

Remember that she needs to distort the truth to convince herself that she is not an abhorrent animal.

Unfortunately for us, we can't alter the truth. We can't minimize it. In fact, we probably enhance the awful truth.

It's normal, but you will reach a point where you think about her less and less.

You need to focus on doing things for yourself, whatever makes you happy even for brief periods.

ChangeMaker is right. I finally told myself that if he can re write history to make me and our marriage out to be so horrible, then I owe it to myself to stop looking at our M through rose colored glasses and see it for what it really was. Not fantastic. Yes I loved him and not all was bad, but he never respected me (he doesn't know what that means) and he never truly had my back. We got 3 beautiful children from it and I had 11.5 years of complete trust (which he will never find again). So it was not wasted. But it never was what it could have been or should have been. It wasn't what I wanted out of marriage and partnership. And I suspect yours probably had many dips, as well. Healthy relationships do exist. We just weren't lucky or self aware enough to get that the first time around. The good news is, we have an opportunity to find that now. And they never will, because they don't see how broken they are. And that is sad.

Remember that she needs to distort the truth to convince herself that she is not an abhorrent animal.

Quoted for truth.

Your STBX is doing everything she can possibly think of to stop your D. You upset her neat little world when you finally said enough. She will obviously stop at nothing now to get you back. Reality is sinking in...please...this tatoo..wtf was she thinking? Bet ya 10 bucks she's already sorry for that one. I am laughing thinking of her now having to explain to any future partners.

I want you to learn as I had to...laugh at all of it. Mine continued this stuff for over a year after the D....he had a death roll tattoo & added my name to it with our D date as my death date. I still go through your same feelings but I quickly change my mind movie to make it laughable. Sounds like you are going to get this treatment even after D so let's all start laughing at the next time she is in that bikini explaining that tat!

Its hard but with practice I can quickly start laughing...sometimes. Sometimes you have to let the tears out first but honestly look at her as another guy's gf & what would you tell your friend when he says his ex was getting such a tattoo?

You can do this & soon you will be able to look her in person & laugh at her childish behavior. God, you are such a nice young man that deserves so much better that.....(put your own word for her in here!)

JeseryCowgirl - I like how you put it in perspective. I actually would tell my friend to stay away from a woman who has a tattoo of her ex in the way she does. Problem is, she will lie about it. She will create some sort of false reality as soon as she realizes for the first time how incredibly immature and selfish her tattoo of me was, and what it really means - a reminder of one of the worst things she's ever done to another human being.

We can be sure she will not dare mention the truth of the tattoo or even remotely that it is about me. This really bothers me and I don't want it to. I think it bothers me because once again, she will create another set of lies about me...about all I went through with her...about all the love I gave and what I sacrificed. It's sad when even your memory for someone else is completely tainted and twisted. But then again, eventually anything about her wont matter to me.

Someone here told me on a post that the healing of a BS is a journey. I can't quite explain it...but I see hope again. It feels as if the worst of the storm is over and now it is mostly smooth sailing from here, with occasional choppy seas. I am hopeful today. I don't know how long this peace will last, but I am just going to enjoy it while it is here.

SI is such a great avenue and has helped so much. I plan on coming back here well after my healing is completed to return the favor that so many here have given me.

Your DD was in March, friend. Please don't expect so much of yourself. There are no short cuts - believe me I looked.

I'm sorry to say but this rollercoaster is a long ride. It took me about a year from DD (so about 7m after S) to stop thinking/crying about it 24/7.

A few things that helped me with the obsessive thinking

a) visualise a STOP sign in my head when I caught myself - I'd start think about something that gave me pleasure instead. Or I rage cleaned.

b) I started daydreaming about my future. This sometimes involved raunchy fantasies about that guy on the bus but mostly it was imagining myself surrounded by friends, doing the things I love and sometimes it was even just looking out over my favourite beach just basking in the sunshine.

A year from now you'll look back on these posts and you'll be astonished at how much you're focussing on her and what she is thinking/feeling/doing. I want to slap the me of 2 years ago. I honestly thought I was focussing on me but reading my posts and I was trying to find the hidden meaning or answer to everything he said or did.

WHO THE FUCK CARES!! It hit me one day that I had so many good people in my life who deserved my attention. They deserved to have me wondering how they were and what they were doing. Not this guy. This guy didn't deserve my spit. That thought and the anger that came along with it helped me start detaching myself from him.

SBB

thanks for the advice. I wonder if obsessing is my way of trying to understand. Meaning, trying to break it down and see what I allowed and what I need to be aware of in order to never repeat this mistake. I will eventually get to the point of not caring or thinking about her anymore. I think that will come once I understand myself in this whole mess, and understand how I could have allowed someone to abuse me for so long.

I really like your stop sign tactic. This will come in handy when I need to put her our of my mind.

That is exactly what it is - trying to work out WTF happened but also accept it. It is very very normal - we all do it.

Find what works for you and work hard at diverting your thoughts. You will likely have to revisit some thoughts later down the track once the shock and adrenalin of survival mode starts waning.

Are you in IC? I was a little too good at the Stop Sign so I had another big crash once the adrenalin/survival mode wore off.