SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

well, we finally got it in the courts that he owes me cs. we are currently still together. he still has not been served with the papers for HER case. The cop showed up at three times he was at work and the summons was returned three times then the alias summons was returned unserved. Now that our case will be final within the month (just waiting on official paper) he can get served whenever. part of me wants him to get served now and get it over with and part says to continue letting them think he lives at the address they think he lives at and let it prolong. more time she gets nothing. the only contact she has had was to "urge" him to get served in which he did not respond (text). I hate this whole thing and some days feel very strong and others feel like an idiot for being here. He has done everything to prove he regretted his decision and has proved he is sorry and trying. I just keep going back in my head wondering how in the world he could have done this in the first place.

Honey, how are YOU doing? Is it correct that your baby is already born? How old? Please make sure you take care of yourself, eat, stay hydrated and rest as much as you can.

So many others, including yourself have said that the timing is off. Something is just not adding up. I would suggest asking him for a detailed written timeline and once you get this (2 or 3 days top), ask him for a poly. Extreme I know but you need answers now. This can't drag on for you any longer, being a new mom is overwhelming and exshausting! She your doctor if you find yourself struggling.

{{{Hugs}}}

Edit: sorry honey, somehow skipped over your other posts 😀💕💕💕

[This message edited by atalosss at 9:10 PM, April 4th (Monday)]

You started this post August 2014!

I am so very sorry you are still dealing with this.

Don't delay it. Just have him accept seevice. It is probably his and you need to go on that assumption. Maybe u will get pleasantly surprised. Byt i wouldnt bank on it. They were regularly hooking up 9 mo before her child was born. Dont run from it.

I was upset yesterday and just got a little out. I have not updated this thread or my profile at all.

Initially he did tell me it was the one time. Timing didn't add up. Then he did finally admit it all. It was one month affair confirmed by her and his best friend that he told me the truth.

We both saw counseling and worked wonders. We got thru a lot and had a beautiful baby hoy. He is a wonderful dad and now our son is 15 m. He is the most amazing little one. We have had trust and communication and openness. I truly believe him when he says he's sorry and he has done everything I believe he should have to prove it.

On most days I feel love and like we are closer than ever. I allowed him to propose too. No date set by my choice.

Court took forever and yesterday was our hearing. The cs was decided for our son to protect him. We are just waiting on the final paper of jidgement.

She went thru dept of revenue. Her case took even longer than ours. He hasn't even been served yet (hers is two weeks after my son was born) we have had NC with her or oc. He hasn't hid at all from being served they just have the wrong information. We wanted to get ours final so it would go in first and be counted when they calculate her amount so our son has more. No dna yet. I've seen him and it's 50/50 looks wise so can't go on that.

I guess I'm having hard time because today date was the first slip up for him and we had court yesterday so dredged up things.

I've been a bit mean to him in my attitude lately and didn't realize why until I realized the date. I don't want to feel this way. We have made so much progress and I don't want to throw it away. I just wish the hurt wouldn't feel so strong.

I love him but feel so stupid because I always swore I'd never forgive cheating and thays what I did and then some.

Most people say theyd never stay with a cheater but end up staying, at least for awhile. Dont feel bad about being angry still. This is always going to haunt you and be a part of yoir life with him.

Oh and my advice if you stay together which it sounds like you are have your own career and money. Dont be fully supported by him. Thats good advice for anyone but esp those entering a marriage with someone who has already cheated.

I don't ask this to offend you, but I'm curious. Why is your fiance (?) less responsible for the other child than he is for yours? You repeatly say you just want this to be done and you say that even if DNA tests prove the child to be his, he doesn't think he wants anything to do with it.

I get that you don't necessarily want a blended family, but if this child is his this situation will never be done. He has a moral and legal obligation to help support that child. It seems to me that all the time spent avoiding being served by the other woman has only hurt this child. A child that had nothing to do with how it came into the world.

Wouldn't it be better for everyone if he had the test done and found out once and for all if it is his. If it is his child then he should step to the plate with support. That child isn't any less important or hungry than your child.

Please be aware that if/when the DNA test is done and if he is found to be the father, the OW can and will collect back child support. It makes no difference if your SO wasn't served with the papers because she had the wrong address. It would be wise to start setting money aside just in case.

Good luck.

k9

shiningautum8, I didn't realize until I was in the situation just how many there are that were able to forgive. Some earned it and some didn't but gives me hope all the same. I have always, and will always have my own life too. I have a good career and my own money and have always taken good care of myself so no worries there. I don't need him for financial support. (would be tough on own but would be just fine.)

Charity411, I have seen this go both ways on this forum. Some feel the child is the innocent one and we owe all to them. Others feel the parents made the selfish decision and the child doesnt matter.

I'm in the middle. Firstly, I will do what's best for me and my son. I have been with his dad for 7 years and the OW knew this the whole time. (before i post the next part i am aware of his part in all of this) SHE chose to be with someone who was with someone else. SHE chose to not be protected. SHE knew (and yes confirmed by them both and other parties) that is was just sex and nothing more. SHE refused the morning after pill. SHE chose to keep the baby. SHE chose again to keep the baby when she found out I was also pregnant. SHE chose to have the child when he told her he wanted nothing to do with her or the child before and after he found out I was pregnant. SHE chose to have several abortions with various guys in the past but not this one. These were all of her choices. I didn't have a choice in any of this. It is not my responsibility...the OC. I do not have to feel for him. I do not have to care if he lives a life as good as my son. (do not get me wrong, i do care about him because he is a child and i would never wish harm upon him however, he has food and shelter,and clothing, and seems happy and her family helps take care of him. I may feel different if he wasn't but he is.)

So, for my stand on it; he does not mean anything to me.

Now, do I think he should step up? Unfortunatly yes. He will be paying CS and has the money set aside for when the time comes but why make her life easier at this point. He is taken care of and she will just use the money to go party.

A test will be done at some point however, we did prolong it long enough for my son to get counted on CS before their case was finalized.

We clearly see differntly on this matter so please do not make a battle on here as i come here for support. I am ok with your question if you were curious but everyone handles situations differently and I don't know if you are in the same as i have not read your posts but you just don't have a clue what you will do with your situation until it happens.

k94ever, we know there will be back cs, as stated I wanted my son to be counted first so she didn't get a ton and leave my son with nothing. May not be fair but my son was here first and she chose (and him i know) so she has to deal with her own situation.

I know some of my answers seem a bit harsh. I have gone back and forth when it comes to how I feel about these issues. Sometimes I feel for her as a single mom struggling and others feel the child is taken care of so i hope it's hard on her because she deserves to get some karms.

Sometimes i feel like I would be ok with that child being in our lives and other days i have panic attacks just thinking about it.

sometimes i feel like i want to tell everyone what has happened and other times i greateful we haven't told anyone. (another reason coming here is so important to me because i don't have anyone else to talk to about it.)

Sometimes i feel like he is being a Deutsche bag for not wanting to be in that childs life and other times i understand. He chose to have sex with her but he didn't choose to make a baby. He didn't choose for her to keep it. He tried to get her to use morning after and tried to get her to have abortion. (i am against them but if she already had them before why not now?) I feel mens rights are limited in the situation however, if i had random sex and got pregnant i dont know how i'd feel if the man didn't want to step up.

There is no right answer. The answer changes by the minute, day, month, or year for me. There have been ups and downs and laughter and tears.

ok....i guess i'm done rambling for now......

He did choose to have unprotected sex...3 times at least. And keep in mind you probably wouldnt even know he had cheated had he not gotten her pregnant. Not trying to be harsh just think its important you face head on the facts as they were

It seems he is doing very well by you and you are independent so if it happens in the future you will have options which is great.

I totally get how one would flop flop back and forth on their feelings. I think thats very very notmal in such a sad situation. Seems like you are handling it best as can be expected.

You might consider confiding in a close friend or family member you can trust. Thats an awful big secret to keep. He should tell his family too or think about it.

His close family is aware of the situation. In my family you tell one and the whole world knows. (I have a good relationship but am not very close with my family). I guess I'm just afraid it will get out because then I have to deal with how everyone else feels and i'm trying to deal with how I feel.

The few i'm close enough to that I could trust would just try to convince me to leave because one is a lifetime single, the next is a man hater post divorce, the third would just try to convince me no woman should forgive that.

For now, until everything is final i think i will stick with you ladies. Some are very harsh and some are caring. Both helpful in their own ways. I read some more posts tonight of other situations and as it always does, i have enlightening moment that helps me push through with hope in myself, us, our family, and Gods plan.

I just wanted to tell you I am very sorry for the position you've been put in. I don't know what I'd have done if my husband had gotten one of the OW pregnant.

It's unfair, sometimes, that if a woman doesn't want to be a mother she has choices even if she becomes pregnant. But if a man doesn't want to be a father, he had better make sure pregnancy doesn't happen because once it does, he no longer has any say in it. I'm sad that your husband made such poor birth control decisions prior to getting her pregnant and now you're the one stuck feeling torn over it. That's very unfair to you.

There is a forum in "I Can Relate" for betrayed spouses dealing with an OC situation. You can only post there if you are potentially in that situation so all the people on that forum will understand what you're going through. And since they've been there, they may have some really great advice for getting through this until you know for sure. The thread is called OC Thread (BS Only) Part III.

I hope the baby turns out not to be his. And if it is his, I'm sure you'll make the best decisions you can for your family. Best wishes.

Thats why uts called the Shit Sandwich. Its essentially what you are being fed in this situation. I totally get peoples decision not to have contact with the OC altho itbis terribly unfair to the child sadly. But i get it. That being said I think justifying that decision in the grounds it would be "confising" for the child due to different cultures is a bit of a cop out. It will be must more confusing and upsetting to him to deal with the fact his dad wont have him in his life. Again not juding that decisiin if it is made. But please dont justify it as somehow beimg better for the kid due to different cultures/parenting styles. I really feel for you in this situation and camt imagine how difficult it is. There are truly no easy or best solutions.

Id still have him do a polygraph to rule out additional cheating