SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Jeez Aubrie,

You just made me lose it. Love you, and thank you.

I am not trying to bargain. I know what this is, and what has happened. He has to fix it. I am here for now to see if he does.

Dr J,

I don't have the answers to all your questions concerning me. Too early on.

Concerning IC, new one recommended by my IC and she rocks so I am hoping his will be good. Right now I am asking the hard questions and he has no answers. He is still processing that he did this. I know everyone here believes he set out to do this. And that is fine. I know this is a behavior he just engages in, all the time. He just tweakes it a bit for women that he wants validation from. So I don't feel he even recognizes when he is doing it. I have watched him do it, it is one way with men, one way with women he has boundaries with and one way with other women. But he has done it all his life. This will really be something he has to work at. And uncover why he does it. It is the behavior that leads him down the slippery slope, I think he is just now processing that.

Honestly, I can say I am really grateful I have taken this past year to continue to work on me. It is paying off right now. I am in a much better place than I was two years ago. I do know that I can leave and be ok, I also know that I can give him time to see if he is going to fix this. If he isn't serious about it and putting forth a lot of effort, then I will have my answer.

Hi TG

I just want to say how sorry I am to read this. Part of the reason why I knew I needed to go back to IC again when I saw this posf. I failed at getting healthy and stopped short of doing the hard work I needed to do. You have been such an inspiration to me and help that I don't know if I could ever fully explain to you. I feel so terrible for the situation you are in with HL but feel like maybe this could be the hard path that helps your fully R. Maybe I'm too optimistic but I really wish you guys all the best.

Take care and thinking of you

If he did not consciously intend on this, then his subconscious, instincts, bad habits, and bad coping mechanisms are still running the show.

What has he done over the last 2 years? For somebody that was looking for a steak sandwich he surely ended up by one.

So he is quiet and trying to take this all in. He freaking did it. What was his why before? Why are you back here 2 years later?

Here is what I see in you responses. Being that you are MH. You would want another chance if you slipped. And that takes a considerable amount of introspection. Something I can appreciate. I would hope for the same. That being said. Is part of your staying because you are taking any blame? Are you making excuses? What are you doing for you? Are you too enmeshed with him?

A question my BS asks me. How many chances do you get? When is the pain of staying more than the pain of leaving? You had finally stopped with triggers. And now they are back with avengance. Is that something you can handle for the next 2 years or 5 years? It sounds as cruel as TT. Maybe worse.

You would want another chance if you slipped.

No I wouldn't. If I did it again it would be because I made a deliberate decision to do it again, like the first time. And I will never do that to myself again. I will leave first. I value me more than that.

I am staying because I know he has it in him to be better than this. I have seen it.

[This message edited by tired girl at 11:14 AM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

Thank you she-ra

I am glad this has inspired you. You have done so well already and I know you are going to do awesome!

What prompted your request that he return to IC 7-8 months ago? At that time, what was the response to your request?

I felt that he and I had both had a hard time adjusting to the move and he was having a hard time adjusting to the new job. I got a new IC and I asked that he get one as I was seeing some old behaviors creep back in.

Oh and I wanted to add that Sazzy I agreed with everything you posted. I never think your posts are too harsh for me.

[This message edited by tired girl at 11:31 AM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

No I wouldn't. If I did it again it would be because I made a deliberate decision to do it again, like the first time.

wouldn't that go the same for HL?

You need to stop having an A with HL. You are in a BS fog IMO. I see you making a lot of excuses and rationalizations.

I felt that he and I had both had a hard time adjusting to the move and he was having a hard time adjusting to the new job.

so that makes it ok. poor fella was having a rough time. so it's ok to resort to old habits. maybe I should stop being so harsh about it but that sounds an awful lot like "he doesn't mean to hit me. he just had a bad day."

wouldn't that go the same for HL?

You need to stop having an A with HL. You are in a BS fog IMO. I see you making a lot of excuses and rationalizations.

A few problems here, first he and I are about as different as night and day. When I had mine I made a choice and I even told him I was going to do it before I did it, like minutes before I did it. How many WS's do you know that did that? Only one that I know of and she isn't on here anymore. My H tends to slide into his by slipping boundaries.

Second, I don't view this as an A. You can do it all day long, doesn't mean I have to.

I get that it makes it easier to put everyone in a box so you can dish out the same advice to everyone. I am not someone you can put in that box. I am not in a fog. I know what is happening and am taking it day by day. I don't need to please anyone on this site with my decisions, if I am good with it, that is all that matters.

TR, I did what you did, I told Saz I was going to have an A. I also offered to move out.

I think you're dealing with this in the most balanced way you can under the circumstances, lacking knowledge of his thoughts and intentions at the moment.

It takes time to absorb this stuff. You have to go through the stages of shock, sadness, anger, etc., and that's what you're doing.

And I think you're doing it with grace and patience and maturity.

(Tired Girl)

TG, you've always been such a rock. You've given me so much excellent spot on advice. In the midst of your own hurts and struggles, you reached out to shine a light. The non-hugger in me is aching to reach out and hug you for real. Because I know how much you need one. I wish there was more we could do for you.

This exactly, word for word.

I hope and pray that HL and his IC dig to the bottom of WHY he continued this broken behavior. I'm glad he's not currently minimizing, being defensive, or blaming you. I do wish he were being more open and reassuring.

Yo Jekyll, care to slow your roll a bit there Bro? TG has been around a long time. Queen of Own Your Sh*T Avenue. I sat here and watched her when she had her first Dday with HL. No spiral. No self blame. None. Not one drop. "You own it or I'm done."

Why do you have to be right? Offer your opinion and back off. I get a sense you are pushing her to see it your way. You did that to me on my thread too. Pushed till I saw it your way. Saw you push Alyssa too. You aren't always going to be right. Knock off the projection.

TG knows the drill. You don't have to shine a spotlight and grill her. She's hurting. Back off.

T/J over.

TG

Sorry if I offended you. that was not my intention. I wish you both the best.

Aubrie

I was already backing off. No worries. Of course I have not been around as long as y'all. Good luck to you and your BS also.

Boy, I tell you. Projection is a mutha fucka. SMH. This is TG's journey - it's hers to walk and dammit, she'll walk it any way she fucking pleases. In the end, SHE & HL will be the only ones who will have to deal with the outcomes.

TG, I've known you for quite some time. I don't see this is bargaining. You don't bargain. You are straight up, no bullshit, no nonsense. What I see is you trying to make your way through the trauma, trying to take this whole thing apart piece by piece, just so you can understand. Process this at your own pace, you have the tools and the training to do so, as Aubrie said, you know the drill. Nobody knows TG better than TG. You know your limits. And I'll speak for myself here - I am here for you. No matter what you decide, I am here for you. I know that you will take care of yourself and that you will do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe.

Love you mama.

TG,

You sound like you are working the process. For you to have to do that again is utter bullshit, but alas it was the first time around as well. Either way, I feel for you and wish you well. I don't give hugs, but I would make an accepting in this case :) It sucks, no other way to put it.

Do take a look at the posts of support that are pouring your way. You are not only a rock, who has helped countless others, but a pillar of SI, IMO. I don't think I would have stayed with SI or my W were it not for you.

To the issue at hand. You nailed it by telling him to split or fix it. I don't think you are in a BS fog or rationalizing anything. He fucked up huge, but from my vantage point it seems recoverable if he owns it, fixes it and doesn't do it again. I really liked what you said about your and his A's not being the same. A's often share commonalities, but the broken part of people is different. We are all f'd up in our own way, its those of us that keep working who are the winners of the race. Don't get me wrong, we all have a point we can (and should) reach where it ain't worth it. But this one seems like, if he owns it, the M can move forward and do so in a good way for both of you.

As far as you not pressing the point with him or not forcing the issue during his slide, fuck it. If you are even considering forgiving him, turn that shit on yourself first.

take care...

I understand what you mentioned about being unwell and needing help last year. But that's life. Next month will be something else, and something else after that. Then someone close to him will pass and...life is stressful.

He has to find a way to get and keep himself balanced. He needs to better identify how to help himself or ask for help when he needs it. And he should stop the immediate deflection or minimizing when you encourage him to get help. Especially this. I hope he realizes that your concerns should be a stop sign for him to stop and take inventory. When he puts himself on hold it has a way of coming out somehow, usually not in a healthy way.

Do you get the impression that embarrassment is what's keeping him from posting?

I'm sorry you are facing this shit again.

We are all comrades in this War. Sometimes we forget that in the midst of the battle, even the general's armor can get dinged. You are raw right now and, I'm really sorry that any of us have to face the possibility of enduring another violation against the marriage. You have a wonderful insight that you have shared with all of us that I am very thankful for.

Once a breach has occurred it is a daily commitment to see that it never happens again. Without regular, dedicated work old habits creep back in. Do or do not. There is no try. I have the goals that I have set for myself taped to the mirror so I see it every morning when I brush my teeth. It's the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see before I go to bed.

Do whatever feels right to you. Just don't expect more from yourself than you expect from him.

Hugs TG

All of you that have come out to offer me support are amazing. To those of you that know me so well thank you. It means more than you know for you to come in and offer me support and advice. Thank you.

Stopping in again to send positive thoughts and prayers.

The title sound pretty accurate. But I know you two have made way more than 100 steps forward in this process. Steps back really hurt but they can be the spring board to launch you further ahead then you ever were. Its all about what is done with them.

Please take good care of yourself TG.

You do rock, TG. Just wanted to say that. I hope he shows up here and posts or gets very serious about some IC.

Also a small t/j:

You are precious TG. Know that. Believe that. Don't settle. Don't bargain. You is kind, smart, and important

Aubrie, you are seriously another of my heroes here. So wise, you are.