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TK,

I'm hopeful your boss will help you in this situation instead of make things worse.

An observation: you have done "the right thing" for your marriage over and over since Dday, but it doesn't seem like thoes actions have brought you any comfort. Your heart just doesn't seem to be in it. Consider that everyone has a unique path and maybe all these right things, aren't really the right thing for you.

familyfirst,

Thank you! That is the ultimate issue - what is the right path for me. I have been so unhappy for such a long time, and I was too afraid to make changes. I am being forced to do that now.

What I really want is a new life. I think that I can have this with BH.

I absolutely have to determine what I want. This is my life, not BH's.

So how has making choices based only on what you want, worked out for you so far?

Do I take a leap of faith in my BH to stick with me, to financially support me while I get my shit together?

Yep, afraid so, just as he is taking a leap of faith that your not going to cheat again. Are you up for it?

Why should I trust him?

Because he's not the one with the track record of being untrustworthy.

I don't see how my AP is winning.

It's what your BS percieves, if you don't ditch the job.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 9:52 AM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

You know, there is almost an entire website here devoted to BS' to work out why they should stick with their WS or why they should trust them. I came to this one little place to work out my own feelings and decisions. Don't you think I am confronted every damn day with my BH's wants and needs?

While I do not dispute the wrongness of my choices and I am solely responsible for my bad decision, it didn't happen in a vacuum. I don't know why I am getting beat up over this job. I told my boss. I am either going to get fired or I will quit. Gawd! Can't you give a girl a break? sheesh!

TK

I think you are missing the point here. I could give 2 craps about whether you stay at your job or quit.

The point here is getting it. It sounds to me like you have discussed with your boss. because it is what you should do but you don't like it. Because of the "What about me" attitude. I am not trying to "Beat you up" I am just trying to show you "What about your BS" because in a M. There is more than just you. Many of postings come across as you are still unsure whether you want to stay in your M. That is something important for you to figure out.

I don't know why I am getting beat up over this job

You're not being beat up. We are simply challenging you on your thinking processes. You display a lot of wayward thinking in your posts.

For example:

Don't you think I am confronted every damn day with my BH's wants and needs?

This reads that you are resentful of your BS for being upset and in constant emotional pain, as in it's his fault.

While I do not dispute the wrongness of my choices and I am solely responsible for my bad decision, it didn't happen in a vacuum.

Actually it did happen in a vacuum, regardless of any issues or problems within your marriage, you had other/less harmful choices besides cheating.

I told my boss. I am either going to get fired or I will quit.

You were forced to tell your boss, you didn't do it willingly in an effort to console or lesson your BS's pain. You were only concerned about what negative impact it would have on you.

With all that being said, TK you are getting better and I see effort on your part to do so.

Don't give up, with work and a slightly thicker skin you'll get there.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 10:59 AM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

I thought you voluntarily told your boss in order to let her know why you cannot work with AP, and was done in order to lessen BS's pain. That's how I read it at least. You could have chose to just take the job and let your BS suffer.

I do get the feeling you have a bit of a chip that your job may now suffer, but those are the consequences of your actions. Being mad is sometimes a mask for the pain underneath, anger at yourself, it's easier to be mad and angry than just sit and cry. I think it's ok to have those emotions about this particular situation. Yeah, it sucks you might lose your job. FWIW, I think you did the right thing in letting your boss know. Losing your job over this might not be the worse thing in the world. You said you're not happy and would like a new life, maybe this will be a step in that direction.

Good luck.

TangledKnot,

When I first moved to the state I now live in, over a decade ago, I did everything wrong. I moved here with a man I didn't love, in a relationship that was abusive. I had no money. I knew no one in the state besides this man...which he used to his advantage; once he knew I wanted to leave, he forced me to continue having sex with him or be kicked out onto the street. I should have gone home to my parents but I was stubborn and prideful and didn't want to return to my home state. So, I dealt with the threats and intimidation and coerced sexual contact until I'd gotten a job and saved enough money to escape.

I will never, ever (a thousand evers) allow myself to be in such a situation again. I will not jeopardize my financial independence for a relationship. I also told my bosses of my A. They didn't care who was f'ing whom as long as the work got done. They just didn't want any love-triangle drama.

Someone upthread mentioned that you should trust your BH because he hasn't proven himself untrustworthy. Maybe. But what if he wants to be vindictive and get even? How many times have we read on SI that a cheater should walk with nothing? There is a WW here whose BH wouldn't let her use the family car to grocery shop for her kids. I'm not trying to be a downer or argue with anybody; I just don't think it's as black and white as "my job is more important than my BH."

I just don't think it's as black and white as "my job is more important than my BH."

Agreed!

It's done. I don't have my exit date yet, but I told my boss that I can no longer stay in this job. I am guessing 2 or 3 weeks, maybe a month at best. I will not be leaving this place on good terms, and it breaks my heart. I have been with this organization my entire career, since I was 23! I could have retired here, and I was moving up.

I have always wanted a change in my job, but I was too scared to make it. I am taking a huge leap of faith by leaving. I am just praying that I can find something else that is both fulfilling and helps pay the bills.

I'm pretty numb right now.

Also, my boss demanded that BH no longer have access to my work email account for security reasons. I thought that was a fair request, but BH now says how can he trust me, what about his feelings? Sigh...

We have always been broke, and now we are going to be more broke. praying, praying praying...

I'm sorry you're in such a bad spot. It sounds to me like you told your boss because if you didn't, your husband was going to tell her for you. So you tried to do it on your terms but with your back against the wall. I think you're definitely feeling the consequences of your actions and your BH needs to think a bit more clearly in that financial security is important. The fact that your boss now knows your dirty laundry and that he's been reading your work email should be enough (IMO) for your BH to realize that he needs to back off, at least in that respect.

I wish you luck. You're being forced into change you wanted but didn't have the courage to seek out. I hope you look back on this chapter and realize things worked out for the best in the end - esp for you.

I am so scared.

I am a social pariah now at work. I am losing friendships out of this. I know it is distorted to think this, but I am thinking about everything people are going to say about me when I leave. I know that I shouldn't care, but it hurts. This is a big community and I have worked with people that I respected and cared for. I can just imagine what they are going to think of me. I have disappointed and hurt so many people. It is really hard to hold my head up.

I'm sorry. People may gossip but one thing I've discovered is that people have a lot more going on than you realize.

There's no changing what's happened so onward and upward for you.

So sorry that you are going through this. I think that these people will probably be a lot more compassionate than you think. I found that to be the case for me.

At least at work, they are angry that I am leaving. I almost felt like I was getting bullied to stay, though. I cannot do my job right now. I can't do what they want and need me to, and that is one of the reason's that I am leaving.

I am a social pariah now at work. I am losing friendships out of this. I know it is distorted to think this, but I am thinking about everything people are going to say about me when I leave.

I am sorry you are going through this. But these things are the consequences of your actions. Good for you for facing those consequences.

There is one person at work who kind of knows something about my A#2 with a coworker. I kind of apologized to her for generally being a lousy person and coworker for the last few years, and have really hit it hard here at work for the last 6 or 7 months (ever since I pulled my head out of my ass). This coworker, with whom I had screaming matches during my worst times, was very compassionate.

I give you my story to say that (a) the same remorseful attitude that you have towards your BH also counts with all of your personal relationships; and (b) things are not going to be as bad as you think.

Hang in there.

Just wondering how you are.