SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Did she deny the affair or did she simply ask for what proof you have?

I have to warn you that even if you have residency then forcing her to move can blow up in your face in a very serious way. If you two are married then the name on the lease or deed has little to say, plus she has equal right to residency. Force her to move out and she can claim domestic abuse that would lead to you being removed from the premises.

And the cops… EMPTY THREAT on your half. SHE HAS LEGAL RESIDENCY as your wife IRRESPECTIVE of name on deed or lease. Cops won’t meddle in unless there is domestic abuse – Like you forcing her to leave.

Definitely have a var and record your conversations.

I have residency..... I'll go to the cops and force you out for cheating. Then or went back to what evidence do I have. Hurting but not that badly. Thanks guys.

Do not force her to move and most certainly do not call the cops. Cheating is not against the law. Forcing someone out of their own home is though. So you would be breaking the law. And the cops only care about domestic violence, so no more threatening.

Her reaction was very very typical. Defensive attitude.

You should tell her the who with, the when and the what.

You do not have to tell her how you know. If you feel like it, just tell her someone told you.

But drop that. The evidence conversation only sidetracks the real issue. And a WS is very good at sidetracking the real issue, which is the affair.

Anyone can accuse someone of having an affair, you at least need to tell her enough to get her head out and pay attention.

Evdawg,

The advice you got from BIGGER AND CRAIG was correct, and you should have a VAR on you at all times now. However, it is also true that a lot of women and men for that matter have told their spouse to leave the home and they have done that.

She may or may not, but at least you have made a clear statement that her game is over.

You did catch her by surprise, so she did not have her bull shit story all laid out to give you. And you are under absolutely no obligation to tell her anything. You are not in a law court and if you have one inappropriate text (you have more), you are allowed to make the decision it is over with.

You will find out shortly, maybe have by the time you have read this, what she is really feeling by what she does next. if she calmly packs her stuff and goes to relatives, you will know she does not care but is just regretful you caught her. That is my guess because of the text you revealed indicating a lot more than sexual emotions involved and that this was probably a man she was previously involved in some way with. That is also the reason that you are going to have a harder time stopping it if you even try.

From what you have posted, at this point, the only reason you should waste any more time pursuing who wife of OM is and exposing should be for moral reasons. She has the right to know, but you will feel really shitty if you go to all the trouble and find out they are either separated, heading to D, or that she just does not care. He is just a POS whose ex let him fuck her and liked the thrill at this point.

I thought you were going to do this before you left for church, so if she is still there trying to be or act remorseful, like by confessing, you know it is only because she does not know where to go.

Either way, yo need for sure now to give her the divorce papers as soon as you get them next week because as BIGGER and CRAIG said, that is the only legal way you will get her out of there for good.

I think based on her behavior she will just go to a relative peacefully. She had threatened you with divorce but decided to just "cake eat" and keep you in the dark instead. Once she has the papers, she will have to get an attorney.

i know it hurts, but I think you have already made what is most likely decision for you, and that is not to keep her in your life. You basically did everything right from the time you posted here, and your hurt will be much less than some of these guys posting week after week and refusing to make a decision. All we can do is keep posting to them and hoping they will eventually get it.

last think. You should not disappear. You just got good advice on her rights and you are going to still have some difficult bumps ahead.

Hopefully, this will not be another case where a few tears and promises of fidelity will bring you back into where you were. And you might want to help others like you were helped by posting back to them your experience and what you did, since many are so overwhelmed they can't act lke you did.

This is how it went down Sunday morning. I made no changes to my routine. Did everything as I would normally do. I was just about to leave the bedroom when I had her sit down and I told her "I know you are having a affair and you have 2 options. 1. Grab some things and leave to go to be with him or 2. if you are still here when I get back that means you want to try to make it work." at first she got smug and was trying to get what I knew out of me. But I held firm with the statement. She then tried to say I was giving you a chance, but I knew she made her decision long before now. Honestly I really didn't care what she decided to do, But I didn't expect her to be here when I got back. SO I went to church and she text me just before service was over stating she had made her decision. Once again I expected an empty house. her was here when I arrived and we talked for a really long time. Longer than we have in months. She took all of the blame for her transgressions, but she also told me that she wasn't felling like she was number 1 in my life. I told her she was wrong that there was no one above her in my life. so we talked more and now I know what she's feeling and she knows what I an feeling. I made her make that call for no contact and we changer her cell phone number. I will never forget the pain I saw in her eyes because I know I never want to see it again. I also made sure she knew how much pain she caused me. I can forgive over time but I know I wont forget. The real question is can I look past this transgression and get back to loving my wife the way we both expect. Also she told me that his wife knew about it. so giving her the information would have gotten me nowhere. Hopefully I can reclaim my wife and fully love her again. Thanks for the help and advice. I wont forget it. And I will be on here trying to help people in anyway in with my experience.

"Also she told me that his wife knew about it"

I call bullshit on that. contact his wife to make sure she knows

Also she told me that his wife knew about it. so giving her the information would have gotten me nowhere.

I've lost count of how many times BS have heard "The BH/BW already knows."

Don't take her word for it.

Be careful. Be very careful. We've seen many WS who initially act very remorseful but don't stick with it. I hope she stays the course but I want you to protect yourself first and foremost.

She took all of the blame for her transgressions, but she also told me that she wasn't felling like she was number 1 in my life.

She did and didn't take all of the blame, which is typical. I also heard about the same thing, she felt I was moving ahead too fast, always working, and she wasn't that important.

Whatever, it is no excuse for having sex with someone else. I would not let that stand as the real reason. She needs to look deep inside herself and stop lying to herself for the real reason.

I say do not let that reason stand, because it is close to just sweeping it under the rug. That is no reason to have an affair. Now she probably did feel that way, but again, that is no reason to have an affair.

She at the very least needs to read some books like Not Just Friends, which describes boundaries very well.

You can love your wife again and get over this, but it really depends on her. Your work is just now beginning. This is the time the affair can go underground.

You will have two watch, snoop and pay extra close attention.

She needs to answer all of your questions with total honesty.

And no, I would not believe the OM wife knew. Why would the OM wife know and not try and stop the affair.

That's a pretty good start.

If other betrayed wife knows, then no harm in you calling and telling them again right? You have to make that call, it will keep the affair over.

If its not “his wife knows” then it’s “his wife is pregnant and will lose the child if you make that call” or “his wife has a history of mental problems and will snap if you make that call” or “his wife knows and is OK with it” or whatever.

If she does know then hearing it from you won’t hurt. If she doesn’t… well that gives you one important major tool to make him end it.

Remember: Your WW decision to end the affair and commit to the marriage is the commitment of a heavy drinker on a Sunday morning when he wakes up with the hangover from hell. That commitment will in 9/10 cases last to Thursday at best.

Yeah, tell the other BW anyway. You're wife's track record with truthfulness lately just aint the greatest, ya know.

From a fairness perspective, the other BW deserves to know, and it is unlikely either of the cheaters has told her the actual truth.

From a "tactical" perspective, it will likely surely end the A instead of allowing it to go underground.

Pick up the phone or whatever and tell the other wife. Your wife obviously has nowhere to go, even if she does, most likely she doesn't want people to know about the affair and wants to keep her reputation intact.

In many cases waywards play nice to keep the waters calm, if they are truly not remorseful then they can pick up where they left off with their AP and take it underground

If she's truly remorseful for the hurt she caused you, then expose them both. She can work on winning your trust back through showing you how much she really loves you by working hard everyday on her issues.

I am happy that she seems to get it. But.... and that is a BIG BUTT......

You need to keep your eyes and ears open, and listen to her actions not her words. She said verbatim out of the cheaters handbook what my spouse and many others said immediately upon being cornered.

1. I wasn't number one, I didn't get all your attentions.... Bullshit. This is blameshifting 101.

2. Making the NC call after she had time alone to tell him what was up so when she did make that call he and she may already have a back up plan in place. ie burner phones, fake emails. Get a VAR, and a GPS.

3. You are pretty anxious to get things "back to normal" but don't be. You need to bury and grieve your old M. You need to build a new M. You cannot just pick up where you left off. She broke what you had. She is broken, and she has a hell of a lot of work to do before you get to happy, again.

4. His wife knows. Um No, Nope, UhUH. She does not. Tell her. Blow this bastard wide open. If she knows then telling her is no harm no foul.

Quit listening to the words out of her mouth, and start listening to her actions.

Make her go get tested for STD's. If she says they didn't have sex, say then no big deal, if she says they used protection, then no big deal, but DO NOT..... LET ME REPEAT DO NOT have sex with her without using protection.

It does two things. It shows her you are serious as a heart attack about this, and gives you credibility should you demand anything else, and it protects you, because even though she is your wife and you love her. She is a liar, and liars lie through their lie hole.

(((and strength)))

As you can tell, the skepticism on the other wife knowing is pretty heavy....obviously.

Call her. Like the others have stated, if she already knows, then there is nothing to lose.

But if she didn't know, and your wife is lying....

Evdawg

I hope you read post by Tushnurse. You do not want to have another event like this and this was a guy she had history with.

I would be real careful and I hope you do not reveal your sources. I would keep the VAR in the car and I hope you have all her passwords.

You did a great job handling this. Hope it works out for you and stay on here and guide others. Most don't do as good as you.

Double post

[This message edited by william at 2:14 PM, September 4th (Thursday)]

She's justifying her affair. She didn't ask or inform you of "can I fuck this dude", she did it on her own = you had no part in her decision. Its 100% on her. Period.

Its also excuses.if she had problem with you or m - how does fucking other dude help? It takes marriage and puts a shotgun slug into the head of it.

Don't believe other bs knew. Its said often but is a statistical anomoly when true. She's playing cover his ass and martyred saint rolled into 1 (look how noble I am protecting him = self serving ego kibbles). Call other bs. Tell. Then let ww see she participated in killing 2 marriages and her decisions carried consequences for others. Plus other bs deserves to know.

You likely don't have full truth yet. Rare to get it in one go. She's proved she's a good liar. Verify what she says.

Hang in there. Marathon not sprint.

Edited due to auto correct.

On contacting bs - call. Say he won 4th prize - an iPhone in drawing. Ask color he wants. Etc. Then where to mail it ;)

[This message edited by william at 2:19 PM, September 4th (Thursday)]

You okay? Please keep posting. I know its hard. We all have been in your shoes.

One freeing, yet terrifying truth is that it wasn't anything unique. Not this guy than another. Nothing you could have done to stop her from this decision or doing it again. But an advantage you have is affairs tend to be very similar and fall into categories with predictable steps, responses, and attitudes. This site has a lot of collective wisdom.