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So we were really busy this weekend, working on something together and haven't talked much about the A or anything. I did get that book in the mail yesterday and read it. I let him know I had it and wanted him to read it.

But a couple of things are really bugging me and I don't know how to proceed.

OW's husband declared on FB that he was done with her, good riddance, etc. They are no longer on each other's FB pages, and neither of them are listed as married anymore. So something happened, and I'm guessing he kicked the whore out. This was her 2nd time doing this to him. I'm not sure how far she took it with the last guy, but as well all know - doesn't matter. It all hurts. So anyway, now that she's free of her marriage (and she was begging WH to leave me for her, saying she didn't love her husband anyway, yadda yadda) I'm scared as hell she will be contacting him and they'll start chatting or resume where they left off. This time covering their tracks better. Do I tell him they're apparently separated now and to be on the lookout for contact from her, and to tell me the second she tries to break the NC? Or just not mention it at all? It's not a huge town and everyone knows everyone...so he will find out soon anyway. But I'm wondering if me telling him that I know will make it clear I'm on the alert. Or would telling him spark up a "what if..." question and do more harm than good to R?

Also. On Wednesday he HAS to go out of town to a work conference. It's 2 days, so he has to stay in a hotel. And it's only a couple hours from home. So not too far for the OW to travel and spend some alone time with him. I'm FREAKING OUT you guys. He has sworn to me NC for good, he'd never do that to me/us again, etc. But, WHAT IF. How would I even know? I'm sick just thinking about this trip. Which is why I'm so torn on telling him about the OW and her separation. He'd know I'm on alert...but then he'd know she's single. Not that it even mattered to him about being single/married before though.

UGH. I'm just honestly sick about all of this. I hate him for this. I hate that I'm so in love with him and that despite an A, I can't imagine ever doing life with anyone else. Stupid asshole. :(

If you two are really, truly in R, you talk about this. The reality is, her being in her marriage was NOT an obstacle to the A, so her being out of her M doesn't really compute, cheaters don't actually need to be available you know. What really matters is your H, and whether he is committed to R, committed to NC.

It would be best if you and he discussed an action plan that the 2 of you agree on if she breaks NC. Maybe he puts her on hold and conferences you into the phone call, maybe he ignores it, maybe you 2 get an attorney to draft a letter that says further contact will constitute harassment and you will press charges if she breaks it again - and follow through.

If you 2 are really going to R, you need to discuss this openly, and determine what is best for your M and R in dealing with her.

If he is really in R, he will be empathetic, remorseful and protective of the M and you.

edited to add - can you go on his trip with him? or arrange to be there for the evening/night?

[This message edited by JustWow at 8:04 AM, September 1st (Monday)]

I would not tell him she's separated.

What I would discuss is how to handle it as a team if she breaks NC. He is not to delete any texts, messages, voicemails, etc. and NEVER ever respond to her.

As far as the conference, the job my WH had at the time of D-Day required a great deal of traveling....that ended unless I traveled with him.

My WH spoke with his boss and told him we had an issue at home, he'd have to curb his travel for a bit. His boss did not have a problem as my WH had been a good employee for years.

There is never a conference that one HAS to attend. That's what I used to think before the A, and my thinking changed radically. The company won't fold if he doesn't attend. He could make up some type of excuse, he got sick, crisis at home, or could you possibly go with him? Right now he has to do what makes you feel safe, and the marriage has to be his focus. There are always other conferences down the road.

After D-Day I traveled with my WH to several conferences. All I can say is Too many married drinking and acting like singles. We stopped socializing with his co-workers as a result.

SoGutted, I feel like you've had barely any focus on yourself and processing what has happened to you. Your talk with your husband seems to mostly be about how depressed he was/is, how relieved he is now that the affair is over, etc. How about talking about you!? Does he ask you how your coping with everything? How sorry he is to have done this to you? To his kids?? But again, these are all just WORDS. What has he done to SHOW you he is willing to do the work to regain your trust and work on the marriage?

Actions will always tell you more than his words ever will. The why's don't even matter because the why's won't stop this from happening in the future, trust me. He needs to be willing to look deeply at himself, at HIS choices and get himself to IC asap.

The more you work on YOU right now, detach from your husband, the less painful this all becomes. It doesn't happen over night but you will get there. Hugs.

This one conference, he really does have to attend. He's going in his boss' place and people are traveling from way out of state to meet with him.

The first day of school for the kids is Tuesday. He leave Wednesday and comes back late Thursday night. I've thought about driving down after school is out, but I'd have to drive back home that night to get the kids up and ready for their 2nd day of school. :( It just isn't feasible.

I do want a copy of his itinerary. I asked how long it would go and he said probably late due to socialization. Um...drinks at the hotel bar? NO.

As to MY feelings...he isn't very forthcoming with questions to me, but he talks if I bring it up. He said that he just doesn't know how to act or what to say, so he waits for me to mention it. He's been acting remorseful and showing a lot more care and affection towards me. I feel like he's really trying to comfort me. Sigh. IDK

Maybe I'll have the "what to do if she breaks NC" talk before the trip and get our plan in place. Then when he gets home, let him know she and her husband seem to be separated, and I'd feel good if we had an attorney draft up a no contact letter to send her. See how he reacts. I've also decided that I'm going to ask him to take a polygraph test for me. I'm going to ask for that after the conference as well.

I'm also thinking of driving over to Best Buy today and getting a VAR and putting it in his car before his trip. And all of this makes me feel like I'm going to puke. :(

I think.your plan is a good one, esp.the VAR and polygraph.

Im curious if he takes the initiative to read the book.

If he is really going for his boss, then I cannot imagine him meeting up with the floozy at the same time. He will be there to represent the company and how would it look if he is off doing things with her. Maybe I'm being totally naive, though. I would definitely get the VAR for the car just to give you some peace of mind. I wish they made a VAR that a person could listen from home in real time.

I guess my fears about this conference is that it wouldn't be so far away that if they were in contact, she couldn't just drive down there and spend the evening with him after the conference stuff was over. Or that he can chat her up on the phone while he's away and I'm not around.

I'm not sure if he knows that I added call detail to our cell bill after Dday. He knows I obtained the last 6 months records, so I'm guessing he would assume I'd be adding call detail for going forward. But you betcha I'll be pretty anxious to look at his text/call detail for this coming trip.

We're both programmers, and he's brilliant. He knows how to do incognito and delete crap from his phone and history, etc. Sucks. I remember in HS my mom asked me to help her catch my step-dad cheating. It was SO easy. He was just dumb, dumb, dumb. Not so easy anymore with all the ways you can get in touch with someone and hide it.

Adding salt to the wounds, today is the 11th anniversary of my dad's fatal accident. Tomorrow is the first day of school (and I'm always depressed when school starts). Our toddler is teething and VERY clingy and whiney. I feel like I'm going to fall apart at any second.

And he swore on our kids' lives that they did nothing other than talk/pics/kiss. I want to believe him. But...as you all unfortunately know, doing so is pretty impossible.

I don't think there's a cheater on this planet who hasn't lied on his/her own life, their children's lives, their mother's life or their sainted Grandmother's life. They ALL swear on just about anyone they can pull out of their asses - all the while lying right through their teeth to you. Hell, my cheating ex-BF had the audacity to swear on his own mother's life that he wasn't cheating - and his poor mother was battling stomach cancer at the time. So trust me, you need to take anything he says with a HUGE, HUGE grain of salt.

I don't believe his "we only kissed a couple of times" story, either. And calling the OW was a waste of your time - these two had already rehearsed exactly what they were going to say to their spouses long before you even picked up the phone to call her. All cheaters lie on D-Day and say they didn't have sex. They all claim they only 'kissed' their affair partner. Your H is merely doing what all cheaters do when they're caught. The only time they'll actually admit to sex with their affair partner on D-Day is if you have solid proof in your hand that they were physical, and you shove it right up in their face so they can't deny it. Amazingly enough, even then, some of them STILL claim their innocence. Cheaters are nothing if not completely predictable.

Lastly, I want to give you a couple of tips about Facebook. Just because he conveniently deleted all their messages doesn't mean they're gone.

CHECK HIS ARCHIVED MESSAGES.

I'm not able to delete old messages in Facebook; I'm only given the option of 'archiving' them. Open up the main message center in his Facebook account. Make sure to open the whole message center by going out to the main HOME page and chosing MESSAGES in the left-hand column.

Once the message center opens (it's a whole web page, not just a little box that opens) go to the top left of the page and you'll see the words "INBOX" and "OTHER." Next to OTHER is "MORE." Open "MORE" and choose "ARCHIVED" from the drop-down menu. His inbox will then e showing all the messages he's 'deleted' in his Facebook account.

I don't know if he uses his phone to access Facebook or if he's got a special app that over-rides the program and allows him to actually delete messages or not, but for the average user just using their computer to access Facebook (like myself), deleting messages is NOT an option.

Lastly, while still logged into his account, go to the SETTINGS page (go to the small arrow at the top right of the page next to the message and alert icons and click on it - a sub-menu will open and you can find SETTINGS there). Once in SETTINGS, you'll see a main menu where you can change your password or display name, etc. etc. Right beneath that menu, you'll see a small blue link that says, "download a copy of your Facebook data." Now I've never done this, but I've heard of BS's doing it in the past, and it supposedly brings back everything you've deleted. I also hear tell it takes HOURS, so don't do it if he's expected home in an hour or two - make sure to do it when you have at least 5 or 6 hours of time to yourself. I'm not 100% sure of this, but I've heard it does take a long time. But perhaps you can bring back some of the crap he's so carefully deleted.

I don't believe you've been given the whole story at all. Perhaps you can find the missing puzzle pieces by doing the two things in Facebook I've mentioned above.

Good luck to you.

ETA - I just read your message that he'll be out of town for a couple of days. Perfect timing. These two Facebook tricks can be done from any computer, I don't think it matters.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 3:58 PM, September 1st (Monday)]

Thank you for the FB suggestions. He's napping, so I tried to check archived messages and there aren't any. I don't have any in my account, either. Bummer.

I also saw on the download FB data info page that it doesn't include deleted messages. Just what's already in your messages when you download the data. Bummer again.

I did talk with him a little about how upset this conference thing was to me. The networking is a session that's actually scheduled for the hotel bar. There are 50 contacts he's supposed to get in touch with over the two days during breaks and the "networking" session, and he said he can't just skip it but he won't drink alcohol.

I told him I'd looked into polygraph testing and there are licensed individuals in our town that do them, and asked if he would be ok doing one. He said no problem, especially if it helps me believe him. I WILL go through with it, but I also believe that I do have the whole story. But I want to know 100%, to know that now his words do have some truth to them, and also so that he knows I'm not fucking around and this isn't something I take at all lightly. He knows that, but I don't think he truly understands how hard it is for me just to stay and give him this second chance and start to trust him again. So tomorrow I'll get that set up and blow another couple hundred bucks on bullshit. I bought a VAR and have tested it out. I'll have that set up before he leaves and hope it brings up nothing sketchy.

We had a lengthy talk today. He's all in and said that he's going to do everything to fix this and help me through the A aftermath. He said that he's thought a lot about everything and he agrees that this chick wasn't anything special or some kind of anomaly. He said that he wasn't happy in our marriage for a while, had depression, and reached out of the marriage for a backup plan. He knows he fucked up and owns every bit of it. And now he knows how much farther we really are to getting back to a good, healthy marriage after this A bullshit in the mix.

I wish this wasn't my life. I really do. :(

Hugsss, time just helps in every way. (())

I got the 'I'm worried about us and I don't know if I even want to work on it anymore' right after he got back from a business trip to Hawaii with the other woman. I think the changing of the look started a bit before that - I think it was an EA that turned into a PA in Hawaii. But my point is, this may have been going on for a while.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Take good care of yourself. We are here for you.

I was responding to the first post - didn't realize it was a while ago. Don't have much advice with regard to the trip, unless you have funds to hire a private investigator.

Contact her husband and see what evidence he has. She may have been must less adapt at concealing evidence than your husband

Just a little update. It's now 5 weeks after DDay and my WH just took a polygraph today. He passed! He did give me the entire story, and it only went to kissing physically. This was also the only indiscretion/inappropriate relationship he's ever had since we've been dating. WHEW. It doesn't fix the hurt and pain and lies and betrayal. But it's a huge step for me in R'ing with him.

We've had many talks and went to our first MC session last week. The fog has lifted and he's been able to analyze things. His actions have been proving healthy to R, and I'm just very relieved right now. I think we may end up making it through this.

I know it's still a looong road and while I'm feeling relieved with the poly results and WH's actions, I'm still so very broken. He's doing so much to help me though, and I can tell he's trying to fix this.

Hooray for passing the poly! It sounds like he is really turning a corner in his behavior and attitude.

Yes, greatly relieved that he's really trying. He's been the husband that I fell in love with and had in our early marriage years. He noticed I was upset the other night and when I wouldn't tell him (didn't want to stress him out or start a fight the night before the poly), he laid down in bed next to me and just talked to me and helped cheer me up. It was one of those genuine caring moments, and I have been getting many of those these past several weeks.

Over the weekend we talked a lot and he was trying to dig through his memory about ANYTHING I might not know or like (about the A or before, etc). I did find out that his "kissed 4 times" really meant 4 kissing sessions. He says he didn't realize I wanted a kiss count and when he says they kissed, he wasn't trying to say it was just one kiss each time. I beg to differ and do believe he was minimizing. So right now I've got that bomb that I'm trying to process. He knows I'm hurt about this new info, but swears he wasn't trying to keep anything extra from me and that to him it was the same damage, so he wouldn't have purposely hid the extra details. IDK.

He told me after the poly that he knows how badly he screwed up and that he's just thankful that I've given him a chance. He said he can't believe he almost threw everything away. I reminded him that he DID throw it all away. And that hurts SO much. I don't think he'll cheat again. But I'll never really know, and that royally sucks. :(