Hi Kaylee,
I am so sorry your H is not remorseful, as he appeared to be. I do want to point out a potential danger, though: You didn't really believe the A was online only but he convinced you, then dangled new jewelry, only to pull it off of the table once he gained your compliance.
I think you have to face a few things:
- He's not remorseful.
- Either this A or another was likely physical. If your gut doesn't believe it, you shouldn't believe it, especially if you have no polygraph to back it up.
I know you are hurt immeasurably but it's better to know these things now so you can decide what to do. And I know it isn't much but happy belated birthday, ok? You made it another year in life and though that may feel like no consolation now but you are alive and that is worth celebrating, even if by yourself.
Hugs to you.
-D.
P.S. I know you didn't mean for it to be but yes, the thread title is racist and offensive. I say this with love and understanding that you did not know it. Let's make sure this remains a safe space for EVERYONE by asking the mods to change the title.
From NPR's CodeSwitch Blog on race:
The concept of an "Indian gift" or an "Indian giver" traces its roots back to at least the 1700s. In his 1765 History of the Province of Massachusetts Bay, "Thomas Hutchinson defined an Indian gift as a present "for which an equivalent return is expected."
During their legendary journey West in 1804, explorers Meriwether Lewis and William Clark often encountered Indians over the course of their travels. The picture the pair paints of Indians and their culture was not pretty. Lewis and Clark frequently suspected Indians of either stealing their belongings or plotting to do so. Gifts in particular, as Thomas P. Slaughter points out in his book Exploring Lewis and Clark: Reflections on Men and Wilderness, frequently created problems for the explorers.
Slaughter writes that in one instance, a group of Indians offered Lewis and Clark some roots, which the explorers rejected because they felt that "[the Indians'] expectation for those presents of a few roots is three or four times their real worth." Turning down the gift, however, insulted their hosts and led Lewis and Clark to label the Indians "forward and impertinent, and thievish," in their journals.
Author David Wilton argues in his 2004 book Word Myths: Debunking Linguistic Urban Legends that the concept of an "Indian gift" arose when white settlers misinterpreted the Native American concept of bartering:
"To an Indian, the giving of gifts was an extension of this system of trade and a gift was expected to be reciprocated with something of equal value. Europeans, upon encountering this practice, misunderstood it, considering it uncouth and impolite. To them, trade was conducted with money and gifts were freely given with nothing expected in return. So this native practice got a bad reputation among the white colonists of North America and the term eventually became a playground insult."
. . .
Alas, it isn't true that "we can all agree" that the phrase is inappropriate. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines an "Indian giver" as "a person who gives something to another and then takes it back or expects an equivalent in return." The term, the dictionary notes in italics, is "sometimes offensive."
Sigh. Even now, in 2013, the dictionary definition of the phrase only deems it sometimes offensive. While it's always startling to discover ingrained racism in the dictionary, even more jaw-dropping is the definition from 1962's Dictionary of Word and Phrase Origins by William and Mary Morris.
The entry begins on a progressive (for 1962) note, as the authors applaud the recent trend in film that rejected "the old concept of the Indian as a ruthless, bloodthirsty warrior." The article's conclusion, however, is stunning:
"If you are willing to concede that the Indians occasionally employed trickery in their dealings with the whites, you will understand why the white man came to use the word Indian as a synonym for 'bogus' or, to use a favorite adjective of children, 'pretend.' So an Indian giver is, in a youngster's own language, only a 'pretend giver.'"
Emphasis mine [meaning, NPR's]. Note the usage of the words "trickery", "bogus" and "pretend." It should also be noted that the dictionary this passage appeared in was right on the shelf of my local library — a stark reminder that while language evolves, the reference section doesn't always catch up. William and Mary Morris probably did not realize it at the time, but in this one paragraph, they managed to neatly summarize about 200 years of stereotypes about Native Americans.
[This message edited by determinata at 11:23 PM, August 28th (Thursday)]
