SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Is there usually something that pops you out of the "fog" because I certainly seem to have done it. Unfortunately for me it's too late. He's done.

A week ago I had my last chance at making things work and in that week I did some really stupid, wrong things. I was still in the "fog" from what I understand the fog as. I'm actually not entirely clear on it but I think it's when you are still in a place where you don't think you're AP is bad or your A was wrong. Where you still have feelings about it, etc.

Well that's gone. I'm finally sickened by what I did even though a week ago I said I regretted being caught, I finally regret that I did it at all. I am almost physically sick when I think about what I've done. I hate myself so much. I hate the person I am right now. I can't believe I let myself get to be this person.

I'm so thankful I have a good, new, C who believes I can truly turn myself around, if I'm willing to do the work. I'm going to turn myself around no matter what. No matter if it's too late with my BH I'm going to put in the work like my life depends on it. I hate myself so much and I want to change who I am. I want to be someone honest, respectable, with integrity. I know I said this a week ago but I mean it so much right now I can't even describe.

I wish I had the opportunity to turn down work trips because I know the pain they'd put my BH in, I wish I had the opportunity to send photos to my BH to show him where I am at any point and time, I wish I had the opportunity to come out and tell him every conversation I had during the day - who with and about what, I wish I had the opportunity to delete everything remotely related to the A to prove how done I am, I wish I had the opportunity to show my BH how much I truly love him and what a wonderful man he is.

I hate myself so much it makes me sick.

Sorry, this post rambled a lot more but I needed to get it out.

If you had feelings about it, then perhaps it was an EA (emotional affair) and not just a PA (physical affair). When there's no emotions involved it becomes much easier to see it as two broken people using each other for sex. If it wasn't you, it would've been someone else. If it wasn't your AP, someone else would've eventually come along.

Deleting is bad in general. Hiding what you've done and making it where your BS has to guess at what you did or said. I know it doesn't seem like it, the more info you have for your BS the better. Then they can decide whether or not they want to see/read for their own healing. By deleting you rob them of that choice.

I'm glad you're still here SFN. It's time to roll up your sleeves. Maia's Withdrawal survival guide. Did you read it?

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=137622

Ah, I didn't realize it's all the same A. So yeah.

For me, reality came down like a hammer when I heard her say she was done and "couldn't do this anymore"

The thought of losing her made me physically ill.

You know you're out of the fog when you stop thinking about your AP and start wanting to do whatever it takes for your BS to heal.

I can feel your anguish in your post and I wish I could give you a hug. You can absolutely turn yourself around and come out of this a stronger, happier woman who lives in truth and integrity. You can do this!

((((StartingFreshNow))))

Big hugs ((((SFN)))) No advice just hugs and to truly let you know you're not alone in this battle to work on yourself despite all the odds thrown your way.

I really can't believe everything I did. I was an awful person, of course no one would want to stay with that. I can change though, I know I can and I'm going to prove it - for my sake.

Like many smart ones on here have said - I need to let go of the outcome of my marriage and move forward for me. Change for me. Whatever happens with my BH will happen, but I can change the future me and that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get this right. I know I can and I will. No matter how hard it is.

I'll reread Maia's guide because it's been a while. Thanks for that reminder.

And thank you all.

I'm sorry you're hurting SFN. What happened to give you a new DDay?

I wish I had the opportunity to show my BH how much I truly love him and what a wonderful man he is

Why can't you do that?

I'm happy for you that you are seeing your H in a more positive way, I know you've struggled with that. Turning around your marriage in a week is impossible but you can decide not to be the OW, or the WW, or an AP anymore instantly. That was a big turning point for me. It wasn't just to be with my BH, but because I knew I was on a dead end road to scumville being in an A. Now I can hate the things that I did before, but not who I am today.

You're going to be alright, just take it slow and go easy on yourself. You're doing positive things today. You're on the right path!

You're right, I still can show him that. And I will. He deserves it whether we're together or not.

Hello again StartingFreshNow,

Brain rewiring process initiated. Well done. This is the part of the ride where you feel the bar click into place and you don't know exactly what it's going to feel like but whatever it is, you're committed to it.

Proceed with conviction and valor. You will get much support here.

Welcome to the path from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

((SFN))

I was wondering how you were doing. It's a tough place to be, but I'm glad to hear you're moving more out of the fog and committing to bettering yourself. I agree, it can be an instant thing. For me, it was a few 2X4's on a different forum that kicked my butt right out of it. Some people never leave, so count yourself lucky to have some clarity now, and the support and guidance of all the people on here that have walked the path and know what's what.

You're very brave to put yourself out here, to recognize that you've done horrible things, and that you want to change. Some people stay in the fog because it's less painful than to face the truth of what they've done. it hurts, but you're moving in the right direction, and you will get through the suck and come out a better person on the other side for it.

It sucks some of us wait until it's too late to get out of the fog :(

It sucks some of us wait until it's too late to get out of the fog :(

But you're out of it, that's the important thing, and the first step of many to being a better person and making things right.

What are you going to be working on next? I'm glad to hear you've got a good C to work with.

I have a couple of important areas to work on: honesty, not caring what others think of me, self esteem/liking myself. Obviously that's a lot to tackle so I'll just follow my C's lead.

you said 3 days ago that you're husband find out your posts here

are you trully honnest or you just want your jusband to read this ?

because for the last 2 months you were just talking about how great was your OM and your A

and now after the discovery of the posts you change your mind ?

[This message edited by sazart4 at 7:16 AM, September 6th (Saturday)]

If you're actually trying to be helpful, I'll answer. I'm not sure you are though.

I'm being completely honest. I'm not sure what snapped me out of it but I've been in tears for 3 days straight thinking of the pain and hurt and lies and betrayal I've caused. I can't believe I ever let myself become a person like the one I've been. That's not me at all. It's the opposite of me. What I've done are things so terrible I can't even believe I was capable of a small part of them, let alone all of it. I want nothing more than to go back and make it all not happen. I want to go back to when things started to go bad and fix the problems instead of find someone else to turn to. I have everything I've ever wanted and I wasn't grateful. I'm going to fix myself no matter what. I hate what I've done to the person who means the most to me in this entire world. I'd give up everything to reverse our roles and take on his pain. I'd give everything to turn back time and make a different decision. I'd do anything to get one more chance, but even if I don't, I'm going to spend the rest of my life being the person he deserves.

Did your BH discover your continued contact with your AP?

I'm not sure what snapped me out of it but I've been in tears for 3 days straight thinking of the pain and hurt and lies and betrayal I caused

Something must have triggered this change of heart. What happened that you are certain he is done? I'm sure the two are related?

Even if it's too late to save the M, it's not too late to save you. People are capable of change. I'm sure there were members here that felt I was a hopeless case when I first joined.

You have flip flopped a lot. It will be difficult to take you on your word that your fog has lifted. Rather than tell us how badly you feel about yourself, share with us what had happened these past few days to get you here. What has happened with your BH? Why are you so certain he is done?

You've been asked this a few times in different ways but keep avoiding the question. Instead you beat yourself up. What gives?

If you're actually trying to be helpful, I'll answer. I'm not sure you are though.

I am trying to be helpful by telling you that you should be honnest

it's just a little bit odd that all of sudden the nature of your posts change from i can't get over my OM to the opposite now when your husband is reading your comments

which make us question if you are really honnest with us

[This message edited by sazart4 at 7:15 PM, September 6th (Saturday)]

I am curious as to why you disappeared when you were asked some tough questions?

Let's go easy on SFN. She's been extremely vulnerable with her dark thoughts which does not mean that encompasses her complete frame of mind.