SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Some day I am going to run an online survey of 25,000 people and prove that 17% of the inhabitants of this planet are from Jupiter and get it published in Psychology Today.

eta:

Not only that, but I will do so under the same amazingly, incredibly difficult operating restrictions of this survey. I will offer some kind of potential and undisclosed incentive, and use an opensource survey application to automate it and, what's more, let them be lazy and come back to it halfway through.

This is the software, just to show I'm not spouting my usual incoherent jabber:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LimeSurvey

eta again:

Tomfoolery aside, that software is pretty neat.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 10:32 PM, September 10th (Wednesday)]

Summerrains - I can give some 3rd hand perspective on this.

One is from comments a close friend of mine shared when I revealed what was going on with my husband. She said no one knew (except her sister) knew about the affair she had with her married boss when she was single and about 30 yo. He told her all of the usual things - "we are like roommates, we don't sleep in the same bed, etc. " She said they weren't thinking about anyone else but themselves. They were totally selfish. No one knew, they covered their tracks, etc. (or so she said). It was lonely, though because they could not go anywhere as a couple (out to dinner) so their social life as a couple was work functions (vendor dinners) and hanging out alone at her apartment. He would routinely go home at 2 am and towards the end she said his wife was beginning to suspect. She ended it about a year into it because what he was giving her wasn't enough and she knew she wanted more out of a relationship. She was smart (to end it).

The other is the experience another close friend had working in an office where the married boss was having an affair with a part time assistant. Everyone knew what was going on. The assistant would show up parading around carrying in the boss's briefcase as if to provoke people into asking "Why do you have that?" No one gave her the pleasure - everyone thought she was demented. The assistant would undermine all of them - talked the boss out of giving out bonuses, shredded folders of work from people's desks, and generally created an environment that was demoralizing. In this instance, the bosses wife confronted him late one night when he was coming home from a happy hour with co-workers and he confessed everything (because his wife lied and told him she had hired a PI). The A ended immediately, the boss called everyone into his office and told them what had happened and expressed his regret/remorse. The AP was transferred to a far away satellite office that was not convenient for her. My friend said the boss seemed like he was trying to get back together with his wife, go to counseling, etc. But now she notices he disappears for a few hours one particular day of the week consistently and she gets the feeling something is up.

So there are two perspectives on a work related OW situation.

Reconciling Wife - I could have written exactly what you wrote. So many similarities.

My WH's AP was similar to me in looks (same eye color and hair color) but that is where the similarities end. She is much taller and very mistress-y looking (like she stepped off of a page of Boston Proper - that catalog where all of the clothes look like mistress wear) where as I am petite and conservative looking. She wears lots of make up and hair extensions (she has a look like she is always ready to go out for the night...even in her work website photo). No college education, former "VIP manager" at a nightclub. Has very few female friends and those she does have are very superficial. You can also tell (from pictures of her with other females) that she likes to be the best looking out of all of her circle. And her friends are primarily low class idiots like her because she needs people who are beneath her to hold her in high esteem and feed her ego. We all know this type of woman. We all know at least one or two.

She did the "I don't have time for a boyfriend" thing to my husband. Oh, is that why you were pressuring him to move in with you? OK. She knew he was married from the start and he said she never wanted to know anything about his home life. At the end, when she was pressuring him to leave ("Why are you still married?" she would ask) she would say she did not want to be a home wrecker. Is it me or does she sound confused?! Anyway, the research I have done about her since it ended says she has been in a new relationship since a couple months after my WH ended it with her. So she could not have been too heartbroken.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 11:21 PM, September 10th (Wednesday)]

But if you think in a "3 yrs old mentality" of way... Guess who wants the toy when somebody else is playing with it? It's all about projection, which seems a theme if you don't have high self esteem. If the WS is married to a beautiful and attractive wife (why, thank you! , it means the wife had very good reasons to marry him.

I so agree with the competition angle. In our situation, both our family MD and our Dentist have told my H, in my presence, that I am absolutely beautiful. This is something that I have always been told, yet until IC, I have never been comfortable with. Besides being blessed with good genes, I am well educated, came from a loving two parent family and was raised in an affluent community.

My H "brags" about how well he treats me. Yes, he always provides financially. To his credit, I am draped with nice clothes and sparkling jewels, a lovely home and lots of toys.

So, my H discusses how wonderful he is to this "horrible" woman that he is married to, and it jumps on him. What an ego boost it would have been if it could have taken this man from such an attractive woman. In order to do that, the AP has to do research on the competition. This factor has been very disturbing to me. That part of the "Mate Copying" may include stalking, and invading the privacy of the unsuspecting mate.