SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Haven't been on the forum in a while. Got caught up in the autism research for my son. But something has been bothering me. The Snake moved out 7/1, almost 3 months ago. And he's still homeless. I happen to know he's been bouncing around from staying with a woman to hotels and now I think he's sleeping in his car. He's supposed to have EOW and hasn't gotten a car seat and taken DS anywhere. He just visits for a few hours a day on his weekends. When he gets here he stretches, charges his electronics, brushes his teeth, showers, and often takes a nap on the couch. During this time he intermittently plays with DS. All his stuff is mostly in the garage still. We are not talking just communicating by email so I haven't remarked on it. DS is so happy to see him plus I feel kind of bad that the father of my child is in this state (he makes a six figure salary but has poor organizational skills and bad credit and I have been running his life for over a decade). I know he's looking for a place now because his Brazilian girlfriend (one of legion) is visiting soon. But in the meantime it's just so pathetic.

Just wanted to share I guess

Actions meet consequences.

You're much nicer than I would be.

K

In a way my exH is too. I had bought a fifth wheel while married that he HATED (I never heard the end of it while married). In the divorce he wanted it because he was living in it. Fine, he took over the loan. Two years out guess what he still lives in? Even after selling our house and each getting half of the profits he still lives in his camper..... by the way, we live in Alberta and winter is not kind to us up here.... BUT - not my problem!!! LMFAO!

Careerlady...stop letting him do this. He's using you, and your son. Next time he comes to visit son, he does not get to shower, charge his stuff and relax. It's his time to do things with his son. So, next time, say oh, you will need to take him to the park. I need to go out. No, you cannot stay here while I'm out. You know where the park is! See you in 2 hours.

When you get back, take son, and shut the door in his face.

He doesn't get to come have his visitation and shower. It is not your problem that he's living in his car. It's been 3 months. He is CHOOSING not to find a proper place to live, or have a car seat, or really spend time with your son. Remember, every shower, every item he charges, YOU are paying for that water, that electricity. Nope, it ends now.

He makes 6 figures and you let him nap on your couch, and use your water and electricity? He wouldn't be allowed in my house, period. He can take your son to the park, the library, anywhere but your house.

Thanks. These would be great suggestions for a normal dad. But he's not. He's short tempered and emotionally abusive and our son is autistic and non verbal and he gets mad at him for acting autistic so I worry about them being alone for too long. Even when we were married he refused to go to the park or do other kiddie things and he never bought a car seat and still doesn't have one. So he has no means to take him and I don't want him to. This time was pretty horrible though, we wasted our whole Sunday morning watching him sleep and bathe and wash clothes and re-organize his suitcase. DS contented himself by occasionally climbing on his dad and giving him kisses. I guess an email is in order....

Can you insist on meeting in a park? So he is forced (maybe) to actually interact with him for 1-2 hours, but you are still hereby.

I can't imagine having him in your space like that.

Ugh.

I get it careerlady, I do. You feel it's safer for your kid to have the visit "supervised" in your house. Ok. I may do that too, with what you described. BUT....that does not mean he gets to nap or do his laundry or shower. Period. You need to set up some boundaries. He is there to visit with son ONLY. He goes to sleep on the couch? Visit over. Wake him, tell him to leave. He brings in his laundry? No. Doing laundry has nothing to do with visiting his son. Have your Lawyer send an email if that is easier for you. He may visit from 9am-12pm on Sundays. He is NOT to bring laundry, shower or eat your food. He is to VISIT and INTERACT with your child. If that is not what he is there to do, visit time is over.

I know you are probably afraid of his reaction, but, if he comes to the door blustering, shut it. He doesn't get to disrespect you in your own home. He will either get with the program, or stop visiting, which may be a good thing the way you describe him.

You need to set up boundaries NOW, or you will have this man interrupting your time and invading your home for the next 15 years. Do you really want to feel like you are being held hostage until your son is grown? I know I wouldn't.

Hi careerlady.

First, congratulations on the NC. Don't ask about his personal life. If he volunteers information tell him simply "that's inappropriate, I don't want to hear it".

Next, gently, take your son to McDonalds, and have the visitation there. Highly populated place, if he chooses to act like a **** he gets to have lots of people see him do it. There's cameras, too.

NPD people are like cockroaches, afraid of the light. I guarantee you if you start setting up visitations at McDs and Chucky Cheeses, he'll behave. Because the one trait NPDs have that differs from cockroaches is that, needing to be the center of attention and depending on external validation for everything, they will behave very well when out in public.

He's D from you. There's no reason to let him in your house. He is, in fact, using you. That's why he doesn't get a house. So you "feel sorry" for him.

He's a man, he's perfectly capable of scrounging a bit for a deposit and first month of rent+do the search and organize the move. All of this took me one week, *and* it was during the Christmas holidays, when I was still crushed by stbxww's unremorsefulness and DDay#2. I started looking on the 23rd and I had moved in by the 30th. So don't let him in your house anymore. As soon as he gets stinky again he'll find something, or live in his car. Either way you're ok and safe from his madness.

Strength my friend.

[This message edited by GotPlayed at 5:58 PM, September 21st, 2014 (Sunday)]

With so many people struggling to make ends meet, I can guaranty you there is no shortage of furnished rooms to rent in your area.

I don't understand how a man who is capable of making 6 figures cannot be organized enough or have the ability to find a freaking place to live. I really don't get it.

I do get, however, you wanting the visitation to be at your home. I'm sure that is where you and your son are most comfortable. But these showers and naps need to stop. You are certainly a better woman than I.

I feel sad for your little one, climbing on his dad's bad and giving him kisses, while your husband is just not that interested in him. I have a 2 yrs old at home as well, and she just adores her Dad. Thanks God, since the A stopped, he started playing with her and her siblings again. But during the A? Texting from the toilet (yep, my husband is classy) was more interesting. I could never understand how this works. Putting a COW above your own kids? That's just callous.

Big hugs.

I also get that it's better for your son to have you nearby. What devistatedmom said is perfect. Fine, he's in your home, but it is not HIS, so there should be nothing done except visit with his son.

DevistatedMom nailed it.

I'm a bit more passive agressive. So time to turn off the water heater and turn on the stereo. Oops, the washing machine is unplugged (aka broke). Though honestly, having your lawyer send a letter is really your best bet.

I have a friend in this sitch, except her son is 14 (and also autistic). Her STBXH lives in his truck, even though he makes enough to get an apartment. He's over all the time, showers, does laundry, eats... she even lets him stay overnight on the couch because she feels bad for him. This has been going on for TWO YEARS.

He has a bad temper too but he keeps it in check for the most part now. Even though he's there to visit, he and the son don't really interact. He's basically just mooching off her. And yes, he makes twice what she does. (He is good about cs, though. I will give him that.)

I agree... you should take the visitation elsewhere. Or if you feel better about it being at your home (which I do understand), no more access to anything. He visits or he takes off. Done. And yes, get your lawyer involved.

Please don't let gim do this to you guys. Plus it probably sends a real mixed message to your boy.

[This message edited by wildbananas at 8:16 PM, September 21st (Sunday)]

Stop doing the visits at your home and do it some place in public.

Aw he's homeless? Boo fucking hoo!

AnnieOakley - I have offered to meet recently and he has refused. I can't really insist. The only thing I can insist on is that he take him the whole weekend. But I don't want to insist on that!

Devistatedmom & Griefstricken - thanks for understanding. He doesn't eat my food (he brings some) and My thinking is that he will soon get his own place and this transitional embarrassment will stop. I don't have a lawyer but I did draft a letter myself....

GotPlayed - we only talk by email so he doesn't tell me anything. As I said to Annie he has refused to meet and all I can do is insist he take him. I would rather let him in then send DS off with him

IrishGirl - Snake has some autistic traits himself I think that's part of his problem. Yeah gonna email about that...

EmbracetheChange - yes that's the worst part is the time it takes from DS! He is averaging like 4 hours every other weekend. Spending that time ignoring him is like torture

Gemini - hahahahahahaha! If only I wasn't so busy and lazy if consider it. Besides NOW he sent me an email saying he only wants to visit DS when the nanny is there on his weekend (cause I emailed him to leave before his stuff was dry because we were starting our nap) - so even less time! I'm sure he thinks he'll get away with more that way

Wildbananas - yikes! Definitely going to put my foot down! Pretty sure he's getting a place soon though...

Peridot - but he refuses! How can I force that? I'm tired of court!

Josephine -

I know I'm a total pushover softie. That's probably why he chose my in the first place....

Six figures + homeless = more than poor organizational skills.

I know it seems like the kind thing to do, allowing him to attend to his basic needs at your house. It's not. It's perpetuating a cycle that marginalizes you and your child. It may also be keeping a man who needs more than better organizational skills from getting appropriate help.

Will he get it? Will his life improve? Maybe not. Trac-Fone's hasn't--but you know, mine has, having abdicated responsibility for him.

I'm better and know what? I learned that I didn't really have the power to hold him together, anyway. See, MY ego got a few kibbles, being so kind and understanding and accommodating. (Yours does, too.) Only it's not healthy for us. Sure. These guys were better tended and more glued-together when we were together. They didn't want that. They fired us.

If your ex doesn't have use of your shower and couch and is instead forced to have child visitation during that time, then your child will begin to have the relationship with his father he should.

Choosing to live in hotels, rapidly squandering a month's rent because it's easier, and calling it "poor organization" is ludicrous. It doesn't entitle him to the use of your facilities during time earmarked for your child. Even Trac-Fone was able to find a place within an afternoon--with abysmal credit. (Didn't make him a better father, but it got him out of my house so I could be a better mother.) Roommate.com has some pretty damn sweet arrangements.

ETA: I just wanted to add that Trac-Fone is profoundly personality disordered and I do understand.

You do have choices. One of them can be to say, "No, you can't shower and do laundry here. It's visitation time." If your aim is to limit that visitation, fine--but own it. Own that you welcome the stuff he does that takes him away from parenting during his visitation time. In certainly am NOT condemning this--I totally get it! I think that recognizing that you're relieved he's otherwise occupying himself might actually make it easier on you by reducing some of the associated conflict.

[This message edited by solus sto at 5:01 AM, September 22nd (Monday)]

I don't understand why if he's homeless and you don't trust him to be alone with your child he's allowed visitation at all? Isn't it part of a custody agreement about a basic level of provision (e.g. a place to live?) and safety? And if you are afraid to leave him alone with your child, why didn't you ask for supervised visitation? B/c he sounds like a prime candidate for it.

Solus sto - thanks this was a good read. The interest in helping him is almost completely extinguished, so no worried there. I emailed him to just focus on vistation and of course he threw out only the most innocent example (ok I thought I could hand wash my Kung fu shirt real quick while DS did it with me but I'll stop :rolleyes:). I felt I had to say something because DS gets so excited to see him and then is so heartbroken when he's barely acknowledged. I can't force him to be a better father but I can try.

Cayc - I think NatureGirl and others on this board have demonstrated that I can't limit his visitation based on my assessment of his parenting alone. I originally filed for EPW and flex visits. At the time I was doing most of the child care but he took a hand in it and was careful and protective despite occasionally yelling, which I disagreed with. It was really only as the divorce progressed that he became less interested and more short tempered. It didn't help that DS started regressing toward the end of the divorce. By then he had defaulted and I couldn't change the terms. Even if the time frame hadn't worked out like that I don't have enough to justify supervised visits 😕