SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know there are a lot for men. They live longer, have a home were things are taken care of and get this bonus to his reputation that he has been able to marry as opposed to how people think of a man who is 40 and never married. Do women live longer as a result of having a husband? I feel like when the A started I still some how got blamed even though everyone says that he is to blame because he made the choice to cheat. However if he was loved enough at home, felt appreciated and welcomed at home he probably would not have done it. He screws up, gets to keep his title of the good guy and gets sympathy because his home life was so miserable that he had to find love and appreciation somewhere. Women get to be life time slaves. It does not matter what you have done or accomplished you get the day to day responsibility of the manual labor no matter what you have on your plate. The only plus our my kids so far.

No, women who are married don't live longer.

And my personal view is that, on average, women don't particularly benefit from marriage, especially a traditional marriage. But I'm currently somewhat cynical, for some reason.

Honestly, I'd like to have a wife at home to take care of things too!

I disagree that it is a question of benefits for women vs men.

I think benefits depend on who we choose as a partner.

For example this...

have a home were things are taken care of

...certainly didn't happen in my case.

I feel like when the A started I still some how got blamed even though everyone says that he is to blame because he made the choice to cheat. However if he was loved enough at home, felt appreciated and welcomed at home he probably would not have done it.

For many BH's we could have written the same thing and just switch "he" for "she".

There have been times when I got every bit as discouraged about women in general. I was reminded by friends and my IC that I had to let go of the perspective. It doesn't apply to all women and was only hurting me.

I'm quite sure that being married to my WW shortened my lifespan, so I missed out on that "benefit". I'm happy for the other guys who got it though.

Do women live longer as a result of having a husband?

No. If you google that question you will see that men live longer when married, but not women.

Women die sooner, when married.

I feel like when the A started I still some how got blamed even though everyone says that he is to blame because he made the choice to cheat.

Yes. I feel the same. My friends say he is to blame, but I always feel judged by the MC and IC.

However if he was loved enough at home, felt appreciated and welcomed at home he probably would not have done it.

Yes. That is the common thinking and even among the MCs and IC, IMO.

They always somehow claim the loyal spouse contributed to the environment that led to the affair.

Why not just say the cheater was horny or too cheap to divorce first before dating, if he/she was so darn unhappy.

Also, if the cheaters are so unhappy, why do they want to stay married after dday. I just can not figure this.

Also, what about the loyal spouse sitting at home alone, while the cheater is off getting laid.

Who exactly is the one being neglected and unloved here?

Maybe the wife, or the cheater's children or all.

He screws up, gets to keep his title of the good guy and gets sympathy because his home life was so miserable that he had to find love and appreciation somewhere.

I could not have said it better. It's insane that any psychologist will blame the loyal spouse in any way.

Divorce was always an honest option, if the cheater was so unhappy.

Women get to be life time slaves.

So true. I was at home being responsible by worrying about our bills and taking care of our children and pets.

Meanwhile he was getting his rocks off and spending marital assets on a women who is a serial cheater.

He was also apparently harboring all sorts of secret resentments toward me because I was being responsible.

It does not matter what you have done or accomplished you get the day to day responsibility of the manual labor no matter what you have on your plate.

The only plus our my kids so far.

Again, I agree. I worked and also took care of all at home responsibilities.

I was happy doing that, too. What a doormat I was.

My wayward worked and he thought that was too much so he deserved a little extra.

Worse, the psychologists seem to reinforce his sense of entitlement by asking me to understand his perspective.

What perspective?

I have to agree with Brandon808 - change "he" for "she" and it applies. Even...

Women get to be life time slaves

I not only supported the family with my job, did the finances, handled the yard work, took car of the cars, but shared in the household/kid responsibilities. I ended up picking up the housework, kid's lunches, carpools, kid's activities, cleaning, laundry, etc. while my wife went back to school for a few years and had an affair.

They live longer, have a home were things are taken care of and get this bonus to his reputation that he has been able to marry

I'm pretty sure I'm not getting any of this. The post Dday stress has surfaced in multiple physical/medical issues, I still do a ton of work and my only reputation seems to be that I have a wife who other men would like to mess around with.

Vent away, n0tm3! Just know there are men who fully understand the underlying sentiment.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 11:50 AM, September 30th (Tuesday)]

I not only supported the family with my job, did the finances, handled the yard work, took car of the cars, but also picked up the housework, kid's lunches, carpools, kid's activities, cleaning, majority of the laundry, etc.

while my wife went back to school for a few years and had an affair.

Crushed and Brandon:

Thanks for that reminder.

Brandon you are right, IMO, it depends on what type of spouse you have whether you are a man or a woman.

My wayward's OW was also the taker in her marriage.

The husband works hard, but the OW was unhappy about it.

She never worked, had a maid and a nanny and they ate out almost nightly. Yet, she was still unhappy and had an affair.

I am quite certain the OW took years off her husband's life.

I may also come off as being cynical but I am not..

As long as a woman is experienced at effectively standing up for herself ( consistently getting the results she needs), she can benefit as greatly as the men in marriages..

With that said, married women seem to have statistically greater rates of depression than married men..IMHO

In my experience and in the literature, married women of all ages seem to have a lot of the ongoing never ending type of household responsibilities on their plates..These are the type of responsibilities that can burn people out when there are no breaks.. Married women are often responsible for balancing full time child care, elder care, work outside the home, all happening concurrently within a given space of time..

How the couple divides and deals with the household/family responsibilities determines the balance of give and take in a marriage..If this balance of give and take is off kilter, than somebody is gonna feel resentful and depressed about married life..

In my case it was me who felt resentful and depressed..It was me who felt like I was doing way more work and getting less benefit from my marriage..

When my WH and I were growing up, it was seen in our families that the married men demanded or took their breaks without compromise or asking.. And/or their responsibilities seemed to have a beginning and an end....Like mowing the lawn, fixing house or car..And they took the time they need to rest (often without asking wife if any help was needed around the house first ) after returning home from work..

I do have to say that good marriages in this day and time are different and I admire many of them..Equal but different benefits for men and women :-)

So to answer your question, I would say that in this day and time this question would have to be answered on a case by case basis..

When I was growing up, however, I didn't see the women in my life getting many long term benefits of marriage, at all.. Marriage just brought these women long term depression... Unless or until they got breaks from their never ending responsibilities...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:54 AM, September 30th (Tuesday)]

My W got me for the long term as a result of M. That's a pretty good payoff, if I do say so myself.

She got a lot of protection when she was pregnant and our son was small. She had a higher standard of living with me than if she had been alone. More and better sex with me than in short-term relationships. Companionship. Emotional support. R.

However if he was loved enough at home, felt appreciated and welcomed at home he probably would not have done it.

The WS needs to take the love in. As far as I can tell, they don't. IMO, WSes have too much self-hate to take in the love their loved ones offer.

Love is not enough. Your H cheated because of his discomfort with himself, not with you.

Sisoon, you hit the nail on the head..Love is NOT enough..

There has to be a RESPECT and consideration of one's spouse as a separate being..

Marriage isn't to be undertaken so that one can feel entitled to his/ her spouse being on beck and call as a free maid, nurse, nanny, sex worker..

During my career, I worked extensively with different cultures..

I was told by my friends of different cultures why many of the arranged marriages worked well...

It was reported by these friends that they felt respect for their spouses before they felt love..They valued teamwork, and had an easier time accomplishing things by teamwork than attempting to steamroll their spouses..

I think that society, including MC's, IC's etc need to look at BS's as people with lives of their own..No assumptions need to be made about how congenial, frisky, welcoming, attentive the BS was to the WS in the marriage..

Cheaters are cheaters no matter how good or bad things get..

It isn't whether or not one argues that determines a good relationship, it is how they argue..Bottom line, RESPECT before LOVE..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:16 PM, September 30th (Tuesday)]

With all due respect, Brandon, there are statistics that demonstrate that married men live longer than men who do not marry. This applies both to men who are happily married and men who describe themselves as unhappy.

This refers to men who are in marriages--happy or otherwise--NOT men who have ended their marriages.

It helps explain why men more rapidly re-partner when they become widowers or divorces.

There are not statistics to illustrate the converse. Women do not experience longevity and health benefits related to marriage that men do.

For some women, there is additional security (financially). For others (like me), there are additional liabilities.

There is no inherent value in marriage, for women, health-wise.

[This message edited by solus sto at 12:17 PM, September 30th (Tuesday)]

Count me in as one who's long term marriage is gonna prove to be a liability ..

Our state divorce laws are so outdated and horribly unfair..

It is the longevity of this marriage that is proving to be at odds with my personal longevity, health

I believe part of the reason for that statistic is that married men seek more medical attention than their single counterparts- annecdotaly at the prompting of their spouse.

Married women, at the time these studie were done, were far more likely to have children than their unmarried counterparts. Parenting (again, at the time these studies were done) demands more personal sacrifice from the mother than the father (certainly remains true today in the physical sense of pregnancy and nursing).

Personally, as a married woman, I feel the benefits. We both work full time and individually do well, so the increased financial security is kind of moot. But, he handles the outside chores, and does the lions share of cooking and dish washing. I do the lions share of housework (picking up, cleaning, kids laundry, bath time, bedtime, nursing). I pushed him to get to a primary care doctor. He pushed me to go back to the dentist.

What's the old adage? Correlation is not causation?

Saying married men average longer lives is not the same as saying marriage is the REASON they live longer. Men who avoid marriage may in general be more likely to be risk-takers, or engage in socially unaccepted self-abuse. Alcholic and drug abusing men are more likely to be single, and are more likely to die young. A disproportionate number of unmarried men are in the bottom 20%, economically, and that has a huge bearing on lifespan.

Marriage doesn't by itself extend your life.

I actually don't understand the original question. First of all, where I live and have lived, people look more negatively at unmarried middle aged women than men. Second of all, isn't the benefit of marriage supposed to be emotional and, in that way, somewhat universal?

An interesting read for the non-academic (but quoting people with pedigrees):

http://www.health.com/health/article/0,,20466753,00.html

While the article title says "love" is good for health, they use "marriage" as the variable - and we know those are NOT synonyms!

Here's how it starts:

"Is marriage good for your health? In general, research suggests yes. Married people live longer, have better access to health care, enjoy a more satisfying sex life, experience less stress, live a healthier lifestyle, and have lower rates of heart disease, diabetes, and depression compared to their single counterparts.

...

But there's a catch—men and women don't get the same or equal benefits from a legally sanctioned pairing."

Things are changing, they conclude, but things aren't changed yet.

I guess it depends on whether women want to have children or not, because single motherhood is one of the biggest indicators of poverty in the U.S.

"http://www.health.com/health/article/0,,20466753,00.html"

I notice they reference some of the points I just mentioned...risk-taking behaviors being less common among men who marry, for example, and influences like health care that are more to do with economic status than anything else.

I also note that it references a study that divided people solely into "married" and "single," a common decision that is often criticized because it requires placing divorced people among the "singles," and this causes all sorts of obvious problems.

I say again, statistical correlation is not cause-summative research. You can say "people who A tend to B," but you can't say "A is causing B."

Something else interesting...

Probably the most comprehensive lifespan study, the Terman Life-Cycle Study, followed a huge group of people from the age of 11 and for many decades. Nearly all of its conclusions have resulted in follow-up studies for confirmation or greater examination, including at least two that are currently ongoing.

In that study, two groups of people lived the longest: those who got married and STAYED that way, and those who stayed single. Divorcees had shorter lives. People who had multiple marriages lived shorter lives. It was consistency, not marriage, that correlated to longer life. The results were the same for the men and the women.

So the question is: why did that lack of change correlate to longer lives? What other types of behaviors might correlate with or share a cause-effect relationship with consistency of marital status?

From a betrayed man's point of view we could hear this: "I work 12 hours a day to provide everything for our family and you (my wife) screwed up everything" He would also have right.

It's not a matter of men or women, it's a matter of love and trust between two people.

I don't believe in marriage, I don't believe in vows and love because in most cases they are broken.

It's not the marriage what makes people "older",it's the fact that vows can't be kept and betrayal and pain come in often.

Oh boy, if I was 20 y old now how differently I would think and act!

I don't know where all the statistics come from for lifespan:

But here is my own observations of family and friends:

----------------------------------------

For my parents, my mom wore the pants (as do most the women i know) and has much better health than my father. Back to wearing the pants, i think had an affect on me because i have gone out of my way to ensure an equitable marriage.

For my grandparents my mom side grandma outlived grandpa, as for extended family many of the women have outlived the men, although there some where the men outlived the wife.

Most of the women i know including my wife, woud rather be housewives.

As for benefits, for either sex, both have more to lose in marriage... IE why we should not look at it as benefits. I married my wife because i fell in love and decided to compromise many things in my life because of that love. If this is just a pure comparison of liability to asset ratio, being married loses.

As for a comment about men gaining because of "what women do" as implied cooking, cleaning and etc.

In my observations, most of the men do the cooking, the women do the inside cleaning and the men outside. As for children, it is split. Laundry is done by the women in most, except for me, i have always done my own and will continue to do so. I do not cook either but i do all the kids stuff from homework to activities and cleanup. We have a maid to clean the house.

Bottom line i cannot relate to one-sided marriages as i have yet to see one, but i am sure they are out there. However my point being, the title is an oxymoron and some of the bias is simply just that.

[This message edited by atreides at 9:10 PM, September 30th (Tuesday)]

What's the old adage? Correlation is not causation?

Saying married men average longer lives is not the same as saying marriage is the REASON they live longer. Men who avoid marriage may in general be more likely to be risk-takers, or engage in socially unaccepted self-abuse. Alcholic and drug abusing men are more likely to be single, and are more likely to die young. A disproportionate number of unmarried men are in the bottom 20%, economically, and that has a huge bearing on lifespan.

Marriage doesn't by itself extend your life.

I agree with all this.

And the idea there are no benefits for a woman to marry?

I guess I am thinking of two women in particular, one who was married to one of my brothers for 20 years, and one married to my DS for 6 years. Both reaped plenty of benefits and had faithful husbands who were very committed, devoted and faithful. But they cheated and left and continue to reap many of the (financial) benefits for having been married to these guys even though they moved on with new men.

As for me, myself, I love being married. Would I live longer if I was single? Who knows but I would not be happy. The truth is, I would actually rather have a somewhat shorter, happier life than a longer lonely unfulfilling life.