SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Missing the early morning cuddles is rough but I soon learned to remind myself of the worst of my WH's behaviour and move on!!

I wore myself out physically by removing every item of his from "my " bedroom. I piled it onto the spare bed and left it for him to sort . He spent 2.5 months sleeping there until he moved out.

I know you have children but could you follow through what you discussed with your WW last night and rearrange sleeping arrangements before bedtime? No discussion, no negotiation.... she cheated, she's out of your room and definitely out of your bed!! This is for your own sanity!! I found it made a very definite statement to my WH and gave me my own sacred space, too.... sometimes I just couldn't keep my brave face on and refused to crack in front of him (stubborn Scot !) or upset my teenage daughter who'd already seen too much.

Generic

Take the advice of Earthang and others. It is disrespectful beyond belief that she is coming home from openly going out to fuck him and crawling in bed with you. You are making it harder on yourself. I would keep turning the mattress over a dumping her out of the bed until she gets tired of it.

And keep fighting. When she realizes her ass might have to go to work again, her fantasy life might not look so great , especially if her boyfriend is paying support for three kids.

she seems to think she's getting my boys, the house and car. Plus have me part half mortgage and maintenance

It works differently depending where you are, and it may change over time, but in the US a bunch of years ago there was a perception (accurate or not, I don't know) that after a divorce the man had to pay alimony to support the woman in the lifestyle to which she had been "accustomed." I don't know how true that ever was, but I do know that there has been more than one BH here saying his WW expected custody, house, maintenance - no hit to the lifestyle whatsoever. They would move BH out and move OM in.

This is Chris Rock's take on alimony from about 1995-96: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAmeW8bq08k&list=RDXAmeW8bq08k&index=1

Generic,

Just caught up on your thread. I did not even have to read everyone else's responses/advice, as I'm sure it was the same advice I received when I was in your position. Our stories parallel each other: I caught my XW, she begged me not to divorce her, faked remorse, when she saw I wasn't serious about divorce she wouldn't maintain NC, wanted separation so she could openly date her OM, and I proceeded to let her.

I was abused. You are being abused. Period. It is beyond disrespect. Put a stop to it now. Divorce her. She has shown you just how much you and your children mean to her--zero.

You will go through the hell of withdrawal from this woman once you truly initiate 180, then the hell of divorce. But you will come out the other end a MAN, and with your dignity intact.

Please end this now. I permitted this abuse for eight months of sheer hell. Don't be me. It only gets worse. You will find someone deserving of you. Please.

Generic,

You may very well be on the very shitty end of the stick when it comes to divorce. But that is why you need to get to a lawyer NOW, so you can start to devise your strategy.

I know that you want to cuddle your wife. I also know that you want this pain to stop. For that reason, these two things do not go together. She is either all in or all out, and her actions show the latter. And as long as you are not strong in your resolve, your pain with continue to be extended.

Kick her out of the room, with resolve...not physicality. If she absolutely refuses, then YOU move elsewhere in the house. Sure it may seem that your WW has *taken* one more thing away from you, but that is not really true. She would prefer that you STAY in the room; by you leaving, she will see that you would rather sleep on the floor than to sleep with her. It will show her...and yourself...that there is zero acceptance on your behalf for her behavior. Plus, it will help with the detachment.

Like Abbondad stated, you are being abused. All betrayed partners initially are---it then is in our control of HOW much abuse we will continue to take. As powerless as you may feel, you really do have most of the control right now. You just don't realize it....yet.

Wow, generic, I am so sorry you are going through this hell. I am furious for you that your WW is too selfish to even leave the bedroom. She is unwilling to sacrifice ANYTHING--she wants her cushy life and a brand new relationship (that's only a few months old!) that destroys two families.

You need to take a clear eyed look at this woman--she is not worthy of you. A cheating H is what she deserves (as in the OM). I would calmly tell her that one of the many consequences of her actions is that she vacate the marriage bed. If she refuses you could just leave the light and music on all night, hog the covers, etc. Your psyche needs a break from this abuse.

Does Scotland recognize infidelity in divorce proceedings? Where I live you lose alimony.

Best of luck to you.

To get a divorce to court, you need a valid reason. Infidelity is one. It does not effect the outcome though.

Going to see if I can sit down with lawyer tomorrow.

I have an idea of what she wants (everything) so have a good starting point.

[This message edited by generic at 3:35 PM, November 23rd (Sunday)]

http://womensinfidelity.com/

The 3 stages noted on homepage of that website seem bang on. stage 2/3 describes this shit perfectly.

I'm awake at 3am, I think I realised something. She hasn't drank in 2 days in a row. First 2 days in over av year.

I think I made her drink. A way to avoid is going to bed together, avoiding sex. This had probably been over a long time but I was blind to it. When we've had sex in the last year it's probably been a weird sense of duty.

She's come alive again after being in a marriage where she was no longer sexually attracted to her husband. I somehow didn't see it.

You could no more make her drink than you could make her cheat. You need to stop assuming responsibility for her choices. It does not help either of you. If she truly did not feel that desire for sexual intimacy with you then she had any number of other ways of dealing with it that did not involve drinking or cheating and lying.

Sorry for the 2x4 but you sound codependent.

I think I made her drink.

Dude stop!!! I mean really? You've got to find a way to stop beating yourself up brother or this shit storm will eat you alive like a cancer.

Generic

Pack all her stuff out of your bedroom and put a lock on she can find another place to sleep in the house. Do it when she's out. Get a nice strong lock.

Take care of yourself.

Well, she slept in kids room last night and my youngest slept beside me. She also started moving stuff about so that's becoming her room.

She approached me with a chat about custody etc. She had it all worked out that she would have them fulltime and I would take em overnigth 1 night each weekend. I could also see them whenever I wanted without restriction.

I told her I want at least 50% custody. It ruins her plan for getting their benefits, meaning she would have a much tougher time and need to work. She kinda blew up at me. calling me selfish and bitter. Then said, "Fine, I will stay with you, come fuck me now if thats all you want". She was upset and crying so I left the room.

I dont know how she can expect me to lose my wife and then just give up my kids and house without any fight.

Generic,

When she says to you"Fine,I"ll stay with you, come fuck me now", that means it is starting to hit her that her fantasy world may not be as pleasant as she envisioned. And the best thing you did was NOT take the bait and have sex with her

Your answer to her has to be that you have absolutely no intention of staying with her with three people in your marriage and that you are going to fight her to the death over the kids so she better fine tune her job skills unless her boyfriend can keep her in style she is accustomed to.

She is as defiant as ever and must still think she is going to openly date OM and have her cake. You are showing her that ain't going to happen. Get a hardball lawyer or solicitor and do not give an inch more than you have to. Her actions have been so disgusting that you should not be lacking motivation to teach Her a lesson she will not forget .

She is the enemy now. Do not forget that and act accordingly. OM may have left wife butnhenhas a shitload of stuff on his plate with three kids of his own. These two geniuses probably could not stop fucking long enough to figure any of this out. As reality hits her she will get worse , get madder, and may try to manipulate you into a false R. After what she has done since you started posting, I can't imagine you going for that deal.

I dont know how she can expect me to lose my wife and then just give up my kids and house without any fight.

Because her *reality* is that skewed.

You understand that in her mind, she has done nothing wrong, correct? That is how whacked a wayward mindset can be. That is why you can't logically reason with her...because she is illogical. You can't make sense out of nonsense.

Your reality is only starting to settle in. As you detach more and more, you will see just how much you were unknowingly participating in her crazy world. Someday, you will not only ask what became of your old wife, but you will ask yourself "How did I allow myself to get sucked into her craziness?"

It is a tough road ahead, no doubt. This is not what you wanted. But unfortunately, all you can do is try to find the LEAST painful path to take.

Hi Generic,

I'm UK based and have gone through the same shit you're going through

Firstly:

I think I made her drink. A way to avoid is going to bed together, avoiding sex. This had probably been over a long time but I was blind to it. When we've had sex in the last year it's probably been a weird sense of duty.

She's come alive again after being in a marriage where she was no longer sexually attracted to her husband. I somehow didn't see it.

Don't listen to your inner thoughts. The sooner you process this the sooner you will realise that it's not true. It is likely you will come across many suggestions, not least from her, that 'people don't have affairs for no reason'. I had that phrase repeated to me countless times. Please do not take heed of this blameshifting bollocks

Regarding your mental health right now; She needs to not be in the house.

This is what you need to do: (I've been there.)

Do you intend to be the main carer of the children or does she? It's a big question. If it's you she must leave. Your solicitor can't advise you to change the locks but you have to. Many people do it and so did I. She will huff and puff but ultimately she has to take you to court to get back in. Yes, she has a right of entry. She needs to demonstrate that right in law. It will take her months. I did it and the judge never treated me badly as a result.

The law starts from a place of equality. If you can buy her out of the house and you want to, make her an offer. Also, tell her you want 50/50 child care. The law changed in April so you will no longer have to fight for equal responsibility but you will have to fight for equal contact with the children. When she feels the pressure she will start to fight nasty.

She may have told you that you can see the kids on this day and that day but that will change. She will use them to punish you for making her suffer these consequences. Expect to be accused of being a bad father, bad husband, abusive etc.

I've become all too familiar with the UK legal system and this includes children and finances. My ex took it all the way and I ended up having CAFCASS pay visits to assess my fathering skills

But first things first. Find a way to get her out.

Best of luck

[This message edited by allatsea at 5:40 AM, November 24th (Monday)]

Generic

I still think you should put a lock on the bedroom door. What stops her from deciding to move back in when she wants to sleep there. You need to show you won't stand for this nonsense. It's way beyond crazy how she's treating you.

Have you told her family? Your family? Friends? Don't hide it. She's in the wrong.

Don't allow yourself to be disrespected like this. Be calm, be firm and guard yourself against being taken to the cleaners.

Let the OM look after her financially. Push for 50/50 custody and if any aspect of her behaviour shows she is in any way a danger or neglectful of the kids, let your solicitor know.

This is such a blatant case of wanting it all. Keep any legal paperwork locked up.

Again. ...take care of yourself and your children.

She kinda blew up at me. calling me selfish and bitter. Then said, "Fine, I will stay with you, come fuck me now if thats all you want". She was upset and crying so I left the room.

Yep. Her plan isn't working out. Next time she calls you selfish, Shoot right back at her. "Selfish is the whore sleeping around on her husband. Adulterers are the most selfish lot on the planet." then just walk away. You need to keep putting your plan together. What YOU want, don't give in to her desire to have her cake and eat it too. If she wants to date she is free too. She just also has to get a job, pay for her kids, and treat you with respect.

Stay strong, don't allow her to manipulate you.

Also please start documenting the trips to OM over night, Buy a VAR and keep it on you for every conversation you have.. I have seen it a million times the selfish ones will start creating stories, your abusing them and kids. It almost assures they will get the kids and your 50% split is out the window. I might even buy a go pro camera and wear it when she is around.

Time to put you and the kids first, protect them and you.

LHAP?

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 8:26 AM, November 24th (Monday)]

You should re-read sandylees post above. It's exactly what I would do, except I'd have your lawyer ask for full custody. You can always settle for 50/50 later. It could also be used as leverage when things inevitably get nasty.

Assuming you are going through with the divorce, I'd spill it to everybody now, it may get here out of the house.

Assuming you can document her behavior, ( and you better be), when come to negotiating who gets what, go the Russian tactic: ask for the stars, settle for the moon. She will undoubtedly try to screw you over, keep her on her heals by playing hard ball.

My heart goes out to you , I don't agree with girls/guys nights out and never did if you could date each other before Marriage why not after ? I know when Children enter the picture both go through some changes , but your love for each other should only become stronger . It sounds like she met this guy out and made the mistake of her life . I think you need to focus on YOU right now and get yourself together , you said she doesn't know if she loves you and maybe you two should separate . I think that's fair to you , the worse thing you could do now is to cling onto the unknown ... because you Don't Know and won't know for a while . Prayer and admitting the truth to yourself APART from her is what you need . You can't heal her so don't even worry about her at all . She did this, not you . Give yourself time and space and do not have sex with her ... at all . She wasn't thinking about you when she spread her legs for another man and you have to hold her accountable for that.