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so typically the Fuckers fog. When it lifts she will have crushed her own heart.

Funny how addictions go with these WS. So predictable.

that cheaters fog will lift...she is not able to clearly think in this moment, neither are you.

She needs to break contact with AP/OM and see if she can get her mind back on what is really important. Of couse kids make this horrible and complicated, without kids I think 99% of affairs end in Divorce.

Good luck sir.

Initiating discussion about divorce is not against 180. Telling her how bad you feel about her f'ing other man is. Main idea is to detach - that means to strive for indifference and not being emotional. No talk of feelings. Talk only about things related to divorce and kids. The idea of it is not to give the silent treatment, but to not engage on anything other than a superficial indifferent level. At first, because you are so raw, the silent treatment is easier. If you are living in the same house, you would say good morning, nice weather today isn't it? Then go about your day as if she is a legal adversary, someone who is fighting against you in a court case.

No need to tell her what you are up to except as it regards the kids, as a matter of fact, probably best not to tell her. As time passes, and your wife doesn't change from her current bad behavior, it gets easier to detach and let go. Sometimes, for whatever reason, she could find remorse and beg forgiveness, but once it reaches this stage, it is rare from what I have seen.

For what it's worth, it does not really get much worse than where you are now. Not that you won't ever feel as low now and then going forward, but right now is the worst. It only gets better from here, no matter what happens next.

This is bad; as you said months of watching her go off to get screwed by the OM and little you can do about it. Actually the lack of any shame and the cruel way she flaunts it in your face tells you a lot. Mainly that she has open contempt for you; no sympathy for your pain and the humiliation of being a cuckold.

She ultimately intends to get you out of the house and move the OM in, then nail you for child support and even alimony. As I said, open contempt, and you need to ask yourself how come you allowed her to disrespect you so much over the length of your marriage?

If you can't address your non-assertive codependency you may be doomed to repeat this in your next relationship. This marriage is over, not because of her adultery, but because of her obvious contempt. She's laughing at you and this won't do your self-esteem any good at all. Many would condemn looking for revenge; I am not one of them. I would make her pay dearly for this disrespect, by means fair or foul.

Mainly that she has open contempt for you; no sympathy for your pain and the humiliation of being a cuckold.

God reserves a special place in hell for those whom thrust this upon good men and women BSs.

but she drinks 1 bottle cava/prosecco a night + whatever else. Usually passes out drunk. Im a bit ashamed to say its been going on a year at least and I didn't do enough to fix it.

Many of us were in this situation generic. When we love someone unconditionally, we are sometimes blinded to their warts and flaws. You need to stop beating yourself up about this.

Also the idea of spending time now asking yourself *why* you allowed her to disrespect you is total bullshit. Don't get sucked down this rabbit hole. You have lots of other more important things to consider and work on now. Realize that it's OK to be selfish now! Spend *all* your time lining up your future life without WW in it. Keep talking to your L, make sure your finances are separated & protected, run the 180 and detach... and keep monitoring your kids so this unremorseful alcoholic cheater doesn't wake up in a stupor one night and do them harm.

When this shit storm begins to resolve itself... whether through R, S or D... you can choose (if you want) to reflect on issues like codependency etc... Until then, be selfish and only concentrate on YOU!

She won't cut contact. Her apparent attempt to do so lasted less than a day. Then she went to all levels of deceit to hide her contact.

Now we are discussing separation she sees this as a green light to openly fuck this guy l. Doesn't even hide it now.

Will keep at 180 but really, if she now thinks she and I are separating, she probably sees that as enabling this new relationship. I feel like I'm pushing her to him more by not trying to make her see sense

I'm tempted to post something saying we are separated on social media. Then everyone knows, no hiding. Currently parents and friends just know, suppose too many young ones on Facebook etc to do that

[This message edited by generic at 2:45 AM, November 22nd (Saturday)]

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I feel like I'm pushing her to him more by not trying to make her see sense

Shes already there, Bro... Nothing you do - including the 180, is gonna drive her to him. The 180 is to allow you to detach....

You trying to negotiate with her the "good points" of your marriage wont bring her back...

Crying and begging to her wont bring her back...and THATS not very sexy either...

Its time to go "alpha male" on her....and no, im not advocating you eat your offspring...tell her what your expectations are for her to be your wife....once! Then back it up...and "cut her loose".....fake it till you make it... 180!!!

If one of my cows keeps jumping the fence to visit the neighbors bull.....shes going to the sale....and I held my wife to the same standards.....yeah....it blows, I know....

Nope....I didn't want a divorce.... but wanted to stay married to a cheating wife even less.

JMO

Bufffalo

Generic

This all sucks . It can't get any worse unless you weaken and start begging again. You are NOT pushing her to him. She was lying and fucking him behind your back for months and you just saw what she did after one day of no contact. You would not feel better if she sat there and told you she wanted to work on your marriage and then snuck out again.

I hope you have taken everyone's advice on the financial stuff. Again, you can cut her finances to an extent and no make it comfortable. When she is forced to get an attorney she may find out spelling unreasonable terms out that you cannot accept may cost more money and leave her with less after it is all over. Your solicitor will probably try to convey that to her.

Get the VAR and keep recording what she is saying and doing.

She is mad that you have not allowed her to keep her boyfriend and her marriage and flaunting it is her way of lashing out at you.

It appears, if you have told her, that OM wife either does not care or cannot do anything because where the hell did she think her husband was last night. She may have moved out of separated from OM. I would try to find out.

Please try not to be thinking at this point about your wife coming back to you. Your efforts need to be on protecting your assets and your kids. She will try to come back if he decides to R with his wife but why would you want her.

She refused any of your conditions for R and right away was fine with talking about separation. So at least you know the truth. Would it be better to have her continue to go out with her "friends", lie to you and wind up in hotel. Either way you know the result.

Keep playing hardball every chance you get. It will get better but not if you start trying to nice her back.

Catching up on your thread here Generic. Very sorry your wife has jumped off the deep end...but honestly she already did and you are just now seeing.

I feel like I'm pushing her to him more by not trying to make her see sense

I agree with the others. She was already gone. One advantage of her doing this now is you are not going through months, or possibly even years, of false R. Better to see her as she is now than much later. I know it's tough to see that, but my father went through 6 years of false R with my mother. My mother was an unremorseful NPD, not too dissimilar from an unremorseful bipolar or whatever is currently going on with your WW. I know that doesn't make it any less painful to hear.

This is just a really shite situation and you need to get out. Listen to the advice here. Get the VAR, work on the financial stuff and give yourself the gift of getting out of infidelity. Continue to 180 and get yourself into a better head space.

Sending you strength and courage.

yop

Will keep at 180 but really, if she now thinks she and I are separating, she probably sees that as enabling this new relationship. I feel like I'm pushing her to him more by not trying to make her see sense

There is a truism here, "you can't 'nice' them out of the affair." It NEVER works, not from what I can see. They lose respect for you. No one likes a doormat. That said, this is your life, YOU have to live with the consequences of your action or inaction. If it will make you feel better, try to talk some sense into her.

She cheated. You caught her. She begged you. You gave her a second chance. She lasted less than a day and hid it even more. You caught her again. Now she is not hiding it any more. Why didn't she just leave you to begin with, why hide it for so long, repeatedly? She needs either you or him to be with her, I don't think she wants to end up alone. Right now he is plan A, you WERE plan B, her safe landing spot she begged to come back to when she wasn't sure her plan A would leave his wife for her. This is what I think.

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in, and can understand your pain.

While your wife is delusional and in denial please try to concentrate on yourself and your children. Part of that is focusing on the future and protecting yourself legally and financially.

Start drawing up the legal separation agreement, clearly stating what YOU want.

Document everything. ..her leaving the children with Gran to go to OM (does Gran know where WW is while she's babysitting? ) times you are caring for the children while she's out, who's doing the lions share of the childcare and running the home while she's in the Fog. It all builds the bigger picture.

Like you I run my own business and work from home so the solicitor told me to sit tight, follow the 180 and start acting separated but living under the same roof... no shopping, cooking, laundry and communication only about the house (and children in your case) it's hard, it's bloody hard!!! But it does get easier, it took from my Dday until 1 November for my WH to move out but it gave me plenty of time to gather and photocopy evidence and generally get my ducks in a row.

Stay strong, stay calm and stay in control.

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..was an unremorseful NPD, not too dissimilar from an unremorseful bipolar.

I disagree. IF (big if), she is treated, and can sort out the drinking therefore (as drinking could be consequent), then a certain amount of stability of mood and life is achievable, and she can return to her old self to a large extent. It is a psychiatric condition not a personality disorder like NPD.

Some of this behaviour sounds out of character for her, and a combination of bipolar condition, plus possibly other issues, depression and and an alcohol problem, maybe arising from circumstances and upbringing and also being a carer for a disabled child (think I read that??) could all be contributing to this monstrous behaviour. It is of course impossible to diagnose over the internet - THEREFORE those vilifying her above as a monster equally cannot diagnose her. Her behaviour is lamentable and very damaging to you all, and it is imperative that you take steps to protect yourself as you are. I do not feel however that she is necessarily a 'standard' WS and is to be 'written off' yet in the way she has been on this thread.

All very much only in my humble opinion.

Think it's finally sinking in. OM has left his wife and kids Btw.

After her going out all night last night, I said today cut contact or separate for good. No more chances. She said she can't cut contact.

This is officially separation day. I will see lawyer on Monday to start proceedings. I want full custody of my kids. She said she won't sell house so I will chase a court order to do so. Time for me to wake the fuck up and realise she isn't coming back.

I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say since Im new here but that I am sorry you have to go through this. I work (on maternity leave now) with special needs students and have experience with Autistic children. If you ever need an ear or ideas to help you child cope please feel free to ask me.

Start keeping a log of her behavior - it might help in getting you custody, showing her instability, etc.

Carry a VAR on you at all times when you're around her, she might try to accuse you of domestic violence.

I put quilt etc on couch but she came up to bed. I said we can't share a bed but she wouldn't go elsewhere. Refused idea of moving one of the kids to my room and her taking that room. Said no, this is her room and bed. Woke up cuddling her. Confusing, weird and bit of a head fuck.

Literally sleeping with the enemy. Is that a normal thing, for you to wake up cuddling her, or is that something rare? Did she have anything to say about it?

I would be tempted to message other man, "wife insisted on sleeping in same bed with me, woke up cuddling." I don't think I would do it, but I would be tempted.

Dude, move out of the room. Have you read up on the 180 yet?

I really hope you follow up and go and see that lawyer. No need to keep talking to her about divorce, you're hoping it will shift her and shake her out of the fog, but so far to her they just seem like passive aggressive threats.

She knows you know she's going out to see OM.

She comes home, you cuddle her in bed, talk about divorce, so much push and pull but no real action.

She's having her cake and eating it bruh. Just detach, keep to yourself, go see that lawyer and get the process rolling.

Yeah, we've woke up cuddling every morning for 8 years. Apart from a few recently ofcourse.

I am trying 180 but it's not easy. 2 kids to think about. We've talked a bit about separation and she seems to think she's getting my boys, the house and car. Plus have me part half mortgage and maintenance

. This is her mess. She did this. So I'm going to fight. I think she's trying to avoid workingx she hasn't worked in 6 or 7 years and we've led a comfortable life. If I get boys she won't be a carer and will need to work.