SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Whether she's still actively in an affair, she's checked out of your marriage. No clear-thinking parent is going to stay out all hours of the night as she has done. You've become the proud Papa of a third kid by way of thinking.

If she doesn't fall into line with whatever boundaries you have (or haven't as of yet) put into place, you're going to have to start showing her consequences for her actions.

Unfortunately, the only real consequence that may get her attention here is filing. I'm so sorry you're having to think about going through something like this with your two young children. That being said, you don't really want them growing up with a mother in her current state. You've got to start thinking about what's really best for them. Sometimes the answer to that question is getting them away from a bad situation.

I do not believe she has checked out of the marriage, I think she is under the assumption I am just going to let this go and we will just go on our merry way.

We have always had a tendency to ignore the hard issues until we absolutely have to face them. But we, or I am trying to get out of that habit for the past few months since counseling started.

I've honestly never felt anything like this before. 7 years in the Army, 15 months in Iraq (before I knew her)

My sister committing suicide, my mother committing suicide 5 years after that.

Not that that stuff isn't stressful enough, I confided in her, told her things I never told anyone. I thought I could trust her and now its all sh*t.

I bought some retrieval software and an app to install on her phone to track all the new stuff. So I'll see what that brings up. She never hides anything from me which is why I still want to believe her.

Any time I ask to see her phone for whatever reason, she hands it over. Never quickly doing things that might be erasing.

Never has a password on it.

Yeah she stays out too late, but always tells me who she's with, and where she's at.

Usually it is at a bar where I know more people than her, so she would have to be really dumb to try anything there.

She has ended long time friendships because they were not faithful to their significant other.

I'm not making excuses, just pointing out observations I've noted.

This doesn't take away from what I found, just takes a hole or two out of her story.

God infidelity sucks.

You say. . . . .

I do not believe she has checked out of the marriage

But your OP states the following (among other things). . . . .

I tried every way I could think of to get through to her, calm, nice, angry, yelling, involving other friends and family. Nothing I did went through.

Our bedroom life dwindled to that of a pinhole leak in a bottle, and she started to ignore a lot of the plans I had, or things I wanted to do.

she listens to her mom but not me????

My wife continues to go on saying she will never get over her and says how she badly wanted to go into OW's house last night.

Most WS's seem to be content to stay married to their BS's and be able to cake eat. They view their BS's as more of a parental figure than a partner.

She isn't working to fix your relationship. You are. That doesn't make much sense does it? You know why? Because it doesn't.

Reconciliation is hard enough as it is with a cooperative WS. I'm sorry to say but it's impossible with what you've got on your hands at the moment.

She may not be fooling around on you, but her mind and heart sure as heck ain't with you. That's a toxic relationship, my friend.

Here's a good quote from Emily Dickinson which pretty much describes what many WS's go through and why it's so difficult to understand their actions. . . . .

The Heart wants what it wants - or else it does not care

Frankly, you're going to have to be prepared to lose your marriage in order to save it.

P.S. - Thank you for your service to our country.

[This message edited by Cuckold at 3:57 PM, February 14th (Saturday)]

You've certainly been through your share of hell.

I'm not making excuses, just pointing out observations I've noted.

An affair partner can really, really change the way the WS sees their own marriage and spouse.

So many stories on here that sound like yours, that the WW never acts this way, is open, etc and then changes.

The affair partner puts funny thoughts into the spouses minds and the wife then believes all of that. Then they change.

Your wife doesn't seem to care what you know or think. She basically told you she slept with an affair partner several times, so she has already lied a great deal about where she is at night.

The GPS and VAR should give you more insight into what is really going on.

Oh let me see you can't ask questions? She threatens you that she will leave?

It's called being defensive and a sign of guilt.

Good luck.

Yeah she stays out too late, but always tells me who she's with, and where she's at. Usually it is at a bar where I know more people than her

My mom told me nothing good ever happens after midnight. I stayed out after midnight anyway. At that time I liked the fact that good didn't happen after midnight. I've done that whole thing. I have my own idea about what goes on between midnight and 2 am in bars.

I like the voice-activated recorder because the cheater doesn't usually suspect it. The cheater expects you to look for her phone, maybe she has a burner hiding for her lover and not-safe-for-husband conversations.

I would be thrilled if you found out that nothing was going on. However, from what you've posted, usually I've seen things have not turned out to well.

I like the voice-activated recorder because the cheater doesn't usually suspect it. The cheater expects you to look for her phone, maybe she has a burner hiding for her lover and not-safe-for-husband conversations.

When a married woman says she only slept with someone she likes and didnt do anything, comes home at sunrise and frequents bars with her friends, and then happily hands over her phone, that is a pretty good sign that she has another phone to use, or another method of communicating.

WS are not idiots usually when it comes to sneaking around.

It's only been 3 days, but she says she getting tired of me asking questions and bringing it up and has even threatened to move out if I don't just take her word for it and get over it.

She's read the WS book, do this, do that, threaten this, threaten that, deny this, deny that.

It's not in the library, the bookstore, or online, but all our spouses seem to have found it easily enough!

Typical behavior when outed. Your wife has been abandoning her children, abandoning her husband, abandoning her family. She's really got a serious problem. You can't fix it, and you can't trust her with the kids or yourself.

Get tested for STD's.

Draw the line in the sand, protect the kids, out the affair, and don't go back to counseling until she's ready to really go to counseling.

Just admit it, she had an all out affair with that other woman and you are trying to rugsweep it. Cheating is cheating, lesbian or not.

Now she is treating you the way she did on Valentines Day ? Listen to Cuckold, his trauma was recent and he handled it decisively.

It is time for you to leave her behind. Make it amicable if possible

Children can still thrive under divorced parents.

I know you will feel that it is another horrible blow in your life but there is someone who will respect you waiting on the horizon after the divorce. Otherwise you are in for a lifetime of pain with your cheating wife

CK,

(I apologize if this is a 2x4)...

Be smart here and step back for a second. There is a huge maturity issue at play here in addition to her selfish, counter-productive behavior. My first answer to her would be to grow up.

As far as the affair I am willing to bet it did go physical. The rumors and her actions support it. Now that the OW has a GF she's trying to push your WW away - but it happened.

If I were you, I would start the 180 and work on myself. Sooner or later her immaturity and infidelity will create more havoc on you. Be prepared to deal or move on.

You know, there are a few things that come up regularly on this forum that I can't seem to figure out. Am I the only one confused by these two things??

1. "It didn't go physical." We are talking about adults here, not school age children. Two adults, alone, with attraction, in her house... what do you THINK they were doing? If the OW were a man would there be ANY doubt whatsoever as to what he would be after? Why would anyone think that, just because the OW is a lesbian, that she wouldn't be thinking the same thing?

How many adults get together in that scenario and then suddenly say, "That's enough?" Not many, I'd bet.

2. What is with people being okay with a spouse staying out until all hours of the morning - especially with a young baby at home? WTF?? I can tell you there is NO WAY that happens in my home - infidelity or not. Part of marriage means that you spend your very early morning hours with your spouse. If you're not there is some very serious explaining to be done.

Look, CK, the only way a WS comes to their senses is when the BS stands up and says, "This is how it's going to be." Until then you will continue to live in this shitty place called infidelity.

It doesn't matter what's on her phone or anything else. The fact that you know that she has cheated and that you are uncomfortable provides you, the husband, to make demands. If she is unwilling to meet those demands then she must face consequences - and that may well mean the end of her marriage. You must be ready for that to be possible, even if you don't like it.

Anything short of strength in this position makes you look weak, unattractive, and poorly positioned to make decisions. It is time to stand up tall, make a list of requirements that are absolutely non-negotiable, and stick to it.

She doesn't like having to leave her job. Too bad, honey. That is called a consequence. Next time, come right home after work.

Sorry, brother. Infidelity sucks.

Cincinnati kid.

Nice guys finish last. Your wife needs to grow up and act like a working mother and not a single teenager.

If the monitoring software does not give you anymore clues then have her take a lie detector test.

Do not ask her, just do it. 9 times out of 10 you will get a confession in the parking lot before the test.

Surprise her with it.

HM

Well first, let me thank everyone here for their valid inputs. I have been taking things very slowly, and tried not to distance myself too much, just for the fact that I want to be perfectly sure before I make any drastic moves that there is no turning back from.

I have since installed software to track her locations, calls, texts, pictures, videos. and websites she visits. Unfortunately it doesn't let me see any snapchat pictures or texts, which I still have my concerns about, but there is no way to track that unless I root her phone, which voids the warranty. Which if I do that then if something happens to her phone, she'll instantly know something is up. plus finding the time to get her phone without raising suspicion is hard enough as it is, even when she is sleeping.

But I have been glad to see that there haven't been any calls or texts to OW since I had her break all contact.

We have been bickering more than usual, partly just because I don't take her crap anymore, but I guess that's to be expected. I've just been playing nice and keeping the kids out of it as much as possible.

I will give an update in a week or so, unless something happens before then.

Thanks again everyone for helping me keep my calm when I was seeing red.

Well first, let me thank everyone here for their valid inputs. I have been taking things very slowly, and tried not to distance myself too much, just for the fact that I want to be perfectly sure before I make any drastic moves that there is no turning back from.

I have since installed software to track her locations, calls, texts, pictures, videos. and websites she visits. Unfortunately it doesn't let me see any snapchat pictures or texts, which I still have my concerns about, but there is no way to track that unless I root her phone, which voids the warranty. Which if I do that then if something happens to her phone, she'll instantly know something is up. plus finding the time to get her phone without raising suspicion is hard enough as it is, even when she is sleeping.

But I have been glad to see that there haven't been any calls or texts to OW since I had her break all contact.

We have been bickering more than usual, partly just because I don't take her crap anymore, but I guess that's to be expected. I've just been playing nice and keeping the kids out of it as much as possible.

I will give an update in a week or so, unless something happens before then.

Thanks again everyone for helping me keep my calm when I was seeing red.

((CK)) I'm sorry you're here.

FYI You can unroot a phone a phone pretty easily. I do it whenever I'm having trouble with a firmware upgrade. I do it manually, just because I'm use to it, but there are apps available that will do it for you.

SO theoretically speaking you could root the phone, then unroot it if you needed warranty repairs or where planning on sell it.

Good for you CK.

Download the free "No More Mr. Nice Guy" from the web.

It will give you a good foundation not to accept her nonsense anymore.

HM

I agree that the keylogger/var approach might get you some truthful info.

do consider that your source, a lesbian she knew from school, might be ACTIVELY TRYING to bust up her marriage so SHE could have your wife for herself....so do not trust your "source" either!

how can a mom just blow off her little kids like that....that is weird.

You say HER mom has some control over her. did you sit down with her mom and get her onto your side trying to fix this? If her mom said "stop sleeping with lesbians and be at home for your children" would she do it? its worth a try.