SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It most absolutely is not. And I don't care how much case law that there is on this, a person is responsible for their level of drinking.

This statement is very disturbing and sad and the reason why so many rape victims do not report the crime.

Yes, absolutely, a person is responsible for how much they drink and what THEY do while they are drinking. However, a person is not responsible for what someone else does TO them when they are so extremely intoxicated. I don't care if one is an alcoholic, drug addict, just drinks way too much once (that happens, you know), or walks down the street naked. That person is not responsible for being assaulted.

Think about it, really. If someone got very drunk, passed out somewhere, and was murdered, should the person who murdered that person get a pass because the victim was passed out drunk? If your daughter went to a fraternity party and got so drunk that she passed out in a back bedroom and was gang raped by the entire fraternity, did she deserve it? Was she responsible for being attacked?

What you are saying is just absolutely ridiculous, callous, wrong.

There is a fine line between consensual sex and rape, where alcohol is involved, and the truth of the matter is that only your brother and possibly your W know what happened that night. From what you've written it would seem that your W isn't overly concerned about the possibility that she was raped - she seems more concerned that she had sex with your brother. Based on this, it appears that they had consensual sex and she is using the 'I don't remember' line as a cover for infidelity.

Have you discussed with her the possibility that he raped her? How did she react? Have you discussed going to the police? How did she react?

I would inform your brother that she doesn't remember clearly what happened that night and that her only recollection points to non-consensual sex. I would then ask him to take a poly to eliminate any suspicion.

I todays world with morals & respect being what they are, to put yourself in the position of a bad situation presenting itself is of course that persons responsibility.

However when that situation arises that results in a rape or murder or any number of other things the onus is on the perpetrator. He has control of the situation.

If this woman was actually so drunk that she could not rationaly consent to the act then there is the basis for a rape case. She may not have used her head allowing herself no become so inebriated she lost all control, he however did use his head in assessing her condition and exploiting it for his own sexual gratification. As it was a relative and brother makes it even more disturbing.

So sorry you are here with us...this forum does really help so much. I think to find a truth that you can live with is to look back during times together with your brother and see if you can remember any glances, touches or private jokes that might have been going on during or since that time 6 years ago. You said she went on a motorcycle ride with a neighbor, even though, she knew he was attracted to her, to me that is nothing more than playing mind games with you, no one deserves that, it will destroy you faster than anything.

My BIL had a thing for me for 30 years, in my younger days he would listen to my sister about where I was going to be and he would just show up, after the second time I always made sure I had someone with me that I trusted. I was always very uncomfortable around him to say the very least, never alone and never allowed myself to be in a vulnerable situation with him around. Then it was a whopping 4 months after my sister died suddenly that he made his move again.

Review the past and you will find the truth, at least one that you can come to terms with. Hold her feet to the fire, it will take a while, but if she really wants to work this out she will eventually come to terms with her actions.

Take care of children first, if you have any, yourself equally only with that will you even be able to survive this nightmare.

If this woman was actually so drunk that she could not rationaly consent to the act then there is the basis for a rape case. She may not have used her head allowing herself no become so inebriated she lost all control, he however did use his head in assessing her condition and exploiting it for his own sexual gratification. As it was a relative and brother makes it even more disturbing.

This ^ exactly.

I am not saying a raped happened. I don't know. I wasn't there. What I am saying is that the scenario described is a rape and needs to be addressed as such.

Cocoplus (and other…)

As with probably all situations we only know what the original poster tells us. I think I was the first to point out possible rape-drug. I too think it’s possible that the brother utilized the WW situation. I think a lot of what was posted is totally in line with the WW experiencing this as rape. But that doesn’t mean I am correct. It only means what I wrote: I think a lot of what was posted is totally in line with the WW experiencing this as rape. This could also simply be plain old infidelity…

If Coldpizza insists this isn’t rape and/or has other information that he hasn’t shared that supports it isn’t rape… Then there isn’t anything we can do. We can shout rape repeatedly but all it will possibly do is drive ColdP away. I think our view on how to progress is quite clear so let’s just allow ColdP to deal with this how he thinks best.

ColdP – My final input on the possible rape issue (unless you open up for discussing it):

IF this was rape then using infidelity-oriented methods to deal with it won’t help.

IF this was infidelity then using rape-oriented methods to deal with it won’t help.

IMHO your first line of priority should be to scope the level of their interaction. I think you should make it clear to your WW that telling you the truth about the extent of their relationship is more likely to help you and save your marriage than anything else. That truth should be confirmed by a poly.

My previous post spoke of the issue of whether the rape issue could be considered. However from listening to CP's discription of events, his WW's explanations and her subsequent actions where she pined after CP's brother leads me to believe that she was more of a willing participant.

second a mother of one kids in my daughters class has become very interested in me after meeting us at a school function.

She's asked lots of questions about our relationship to other parents and made comments about my looks. This has all made its way back to my wife.

I have had no contact with the woman but somehow think this may have my wife worried in a way. I think she might feel somewhat guilty when she's directly confronted with another woman that has interest in her husband because it reflects what she has done herself.

Don't let this distract you. While it's flattering to know someone else is interested, you need to sort out your marriage. What you do once you've come to terms with what has, or has not happened, is up to you, but you really need to find out where you are with your wife. Don't let yourself get caught in this other woman's trap - she sounds like a predator. She knows you are married but is asking about your relationship? Avoid her. I'd think counselling is something you should both be doing. If your wife wasn't aware of what was happening until it was too late, she's bound to have issues with this and counselling will hopefully help her sort that out. IC to start for both of you, then couples to work through whatever the outcome is (assuming you want to work through it) I wish you both the best of luck and I hope the truth comes out. As for your brother, shame on him regardless of the reasons.

I don't believe she was raped if she was friendly towards him afterward. Much less put herself in a position of being alone with him picking him up from jail.

For the record I don't believe she happened to be just driving by while he was being arrested either.

Cheaters cheat and liars lie. You may come to find that the lies are worse than the actual act of cheating. It most definitely seems like a 6 year LTA (Long Tern Affair) being downplayed.

I would say she confessed to you out of fear of being exposed by someone who may have caught them together.

Back to the false rape accusation, that is a very serious statement to make. She might be bipolar or borderline and she should be seen by a psychiatrist.