SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How do you deal with a spouse who falls in love with their coworker. They consummated their affair at a business getaway over two nights in January. She came back and the usual morning sex and shower, I kissed her as I got out and I might as well have been kissing a mannequin.

Spent a week asking questions. Looked through the laundry and found two pairs of soiled underwear, finnally she breaks down and admits it. But the next Monday comes and she gets more distant. Her lover isnt local and is also married with kids so he tells her what idk, but ten days later after meeting with the therapist for the third time I give her the circumstances I'm comfortable with and she drives away from me and our two sons. Standing there watching her drive away. Fuck.

Its been a crazy ride the past few weeks. On valentines day I told her I knew that the only way she had the strength to leave me was that her lover was telling her he was going to meet her in that space. That I couldn't believe she was going to throw away 8 years of marriage and out 14 years of love for that.

Next morning she gets the inevitable news. He's not leaving his wife and two kids. No shit. I console her and it feels good but different.

Last Thursday she told the therapist that she wanted to continue the separation so she could breath and get her head straight. We spend a lot if family time together but the parenting gets overwhelming.

Her (ex)lover is in town for the weekend with his wife and two kids last weekend. The work seminar that is Tuesday & Wednesday is the reason and his wife isn't about to let him out of her sight. She and I meet and talk about how incredibly cruel our spouses are acting. Then the next night they follow it up by going to the bar after the dinner I gave her permission to go to and she comes home blotto at 11:15on a Monday night. Too drunk to drive home she spends the night in our bed.

How do you navigate this when they do the same job and have to communicate to do it?

I feel her turn into me and it feels good but how does this work?

Buzzy,

I'm sorry about the hell your wife has put you in. One question. Did she go out drinking with her Affsir partner on Monday? That wasn't clear to me.

Unfortunately, you are her Plan B. Unfortunately, I can relate to your story (minus the plan b part. I wasn't even plan c.) You can read my profile to see the similarities in our stories.

Here's my advice. Find out if your wife truly wants to recommit to your love and marriage. It doesn't sound that way to me. Has she been remorseful? It doesn't sound like it. That's not good. No remorse equals no reconciliation.

If she finds remorse and recommits, then you can consider the possibility of reconciling, but not until a lot is done. Here's the big enchilada: One of them must leave their job immediately. They cannot continue to work together. She must end ALL contact with him. If she refuses, just turn out the lights. The party is over.

Others will have other advice or thoughts. Take what fits best for you. You will make it through this, but that is the only way - through. It is going to be hard, but you will survive it. There are no short cuts. If you attempt reconciliation, your wife will need to go to figure out how to prevent this from happening again in her next job, with the next good looking, or smart, or funny, or complimentary, or rich guy.

...sending strength your way.

The first thing to do is to tell his wife.

As your wife is completely in the fog, she will not agree to change her job or write an NC letter.

However, putting the divorce papers under her nose

might snap her out of the fog. That and the wife of the AP.

Consoling her is a bad, bad idea. Do the 180 immediately.

And please be careful, just because he is not going to leave his wife and kids for your wife, it does not mean the A is over.

Is your wife going in IC to find out what is broken inside her to have such bad boundary issues.

Do not let her to treat you as plan B.....

So sorry that you find yourself here, we have all been through the same thing. In the upper left corner there is a yellow box with the heading " healing library", read in there.

Ask her if her desire to see this other man is greater than the desire to see her kids everyday.

She needs a serious wakeup call, she needs to not have any more contact with this man and if that means changing jobs then that is what needs to happen. Don't let her drive away with your kids again, she needs to see you drive away with them. Stay strong.

To clarify, I'm in touch with the spouse of ws's lover. We talked on the phone and met in person last sunday.

Monday night was a work dinner. Drinking went on at the hotel where most of them (100+) were staying. Her (ex) lover was staying somewhere else with his wife and family. They were together drinking but my gut tells me she over consumed because she was nervous and they didn't have an opportunity to have an intimate talk. That occurred the next night at the formal work dinner which she came home from promptly at 8:30. She expressed remore in therapists office Thursday and again last night and this morning. They work together but he is 300 miles away.

Her lover isnt local and is also married with kids so he tells her what idk, but ten days later after meeting with the therapist for the third time I give her the circumstances I'm comfortable with and she drives away from me and our two sons. Standing there watching her drive away. Fuck.

The way I read what you wrote, it was your wife who drove away by herself, leaving you and the children standing there, so to speak.

This is a big trigger for me and is very personal to me, so I want to be careful not to project too much of my own experience onto yours. With that said, there are some women who are willing to leave their children behind and only see them part time. My xww was one of those and still is. I have the custody of my kids 90% of the time. My point is really this. Is your wife extremely maternal, attached closely to the kids, the primary caregiver, etc.? If not, she may be willing to run from the responsibilities and daily grind of parenting to try to escape.

On valentines day I told her I knew that the only way she had the strength to leave me was that her lover was telling her he was going to meet her in that space. That I couldn't believe she was going to throw away 8 years of marriage and out 14 years of love for that.

Gently, I suggest that you reverse this thinking. Consider thinking of it this way. The only way that you will consider staying in the marriage is if she leaves this person, one of them quits her job, she never contacts him again, she agrees to intensive therapy until she understands fully what went wrong with her thinking.

It is often recommended here to present the wayward spouse with divorce papers, a list of demands (such as the above), notify the spouse of the affair partner (which I believe you have done, etc. It's all recommended from the point of view of "shocking" the wayward spouse out of some type of infatuation fog. What it can also do, however, is provide a quick path to divorce, for those wayward spouses who are using their affair as an exit affair. I don't know what is going on in the mind of your wife, but right now it doesn't appear that much good is going on in her mind.

She should be BEGGING you for a chance at reconciliation. Instead, after the cruelest of actions (betraying a spouse) she drives away from you and your young children? It sends shivers down my spine, my friend. I experienced it myself, and I feel for you. Something is very wrong with your wife to have done this. I'd be thinking long and hard about whether you want to stay married to her, versus fighting tooth and nail to convince her of why she needs to stay. This is what I was getting at in my first post. I would try to find out if she wants to stay under ANY circumstances, short of an open marriage arrangement.

Just Let Them Go The end result? The end result is to respect yourself in the end, let go of the people that don't value you or respect you. That is the end result. The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner. Seriously, the quickest way to get them back. Nothing else works better or quicker. Let them go. Agree with them and their feelings, "you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye" Wouldn't that be true love? If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them? Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it? Just let them go. Give them their freedom. You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved. I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person. But cheating, no excuses. Think about cheating. A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense? Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing. Fighting the affair? For what reason? To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse? What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse? They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process. And for your last point, The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this. "Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce." You give them what they want. You don't fight them on this issue. You agree with their feelings, they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person. You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner. You can't say "don't love them, love me instead", you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them", you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me" I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back. You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you. Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

Why did she cheat? Why did she lie to you for awhile after you even did know the truth? Did she ever have any integrity, or has she always been kind of deceitful like this?

I'm assuming based on the way of your post that she has been seeing a therapist for a while, before you thought there was any marital problems. Why has she started to see a therapist?

Cheating is a permanent psyche. It is similar to a physical injury that will never heal completely, like if you ruined your knee during sports. But like your psyche instead of your body. It may hurt badly forever, or it may only hurt you once in a great while that doesn't affect you too much, maybe only when it rains. But it will be there in some way, even if minor. My point is, if you think this will ever get back to what you thought it was "normal," you won't.

The whole idea of what it was "normal" before is a deception. What you were thinking everything was great between her and you, you can not be sure anymore. You know it was great for you, but what was she really thinking about it at that time? While you were enjoying yourself on your trip for vacation, for example, and you thought everything was just perfect, was she thinking about she wished other man could be with her instead of you? She cheats and lies, how are you ever going to know now?

On top of all this, it seems you are trying to get her back, and she is indifferent to you, at best. I think she still wants to be with her other man. I think that they have been able to communicate, and he still is telling her that he will commit to her at some point in the future.

I would suggest to tell her that you are divorcing, that if she changes her mind, she can ask you to see if you are still willing, but in the meantime, you are starting moving on with your life. Cheaters like the way your wife is acting has about a thousand other threads on this forum, moreso that many of her deceitful actions have names and phases. For example, what she is doing about "being confused and not knowing what she wants" is what is called as "fence sitting." Many cheaters were pretty happy with just being cheated, they didn't want to divorce you, just to keep you AND the other man AND keeping lying to you. So her "being confused" will continue indefinitely until YOU decide you've had enough. See if you can look up here some of the stuff like "fantasy," "fog," "trickle-truth," "ILYBINILWY (I love you but I'm not in love with you)," "limbo," "fence-sitting," "cake-eating" - it's all been seen many times before.

There is no guarantee you can get your wife and marriage, but you can maintain your self-respect and your dignity, put her off her fence-sitting and cake-eating, get out of this limbo you are in. Really, just go for a consultation for a divorce attorney, and tell your wife that you won't wait for her forever.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 11:36 AM, March 7th (Saturday)]

I believe you need to get in control, pronto!

Either she goes cold turkey, no contact with the OM, or you don't acknowledge her. This isn't a wait-to-see who she likes best.

Sure, she's a muddle-headed schoolgirl right now. Of course he's dumping her. You can't console her about that. She needs to realize what a terrible wife, mom, and person she has become. She's broken, unfit, and can either fix herself, or remove herself from the family.

She has betrayed you. That should not only shock you, but anger you. Remind her that now you both need STD tests. Remind her how she has torn your family to pieces.

[This message edited by jcanada at 4:42 PM, March 7th (Saturday)]

Hey man, my then wife also fell in love with a co-worker, an left me an our son to go stay in an apartment. At the time I didn't know what was going on with her. You've already contacted the other betrayed spouse, good. But it sounds like your wife is still in the fog so to speak. File for divorce to knock her off the fence an get her attention. Have her served at work. You don't have to go thru with it but you might. See if that doesn't snap her out of her fantasy. Strength.

Buzzy

Just realize her affair is not really about you or even your marriage.

Your wife has issues. That is very clear.

It is ok to love her but you need to show her tough love.

You need to show her consequences....

Or she will most likely leave you again.

There is nothing worse than a mother leaving her children nor a wife leaving her marriage to go chase unicorns and rainbows with a guy she hardly knows compared to your history together.

Her head is not on straight.

So you need to keep yours on straight for both of you.

Take your time. Do not make any long term decisions while angry.

I agree with filing for divorce.

I agree with telling her to leave and go find happiness. That you and your boys will be just fine without her.

She needs to get the message loud and clear that you are not her Plan B. Neither are the kids....

It takes a strong spouse to Reconcile a marriage.

But it also takes two people to reconcile a marriage.

So if her head is not there shock some sense into her. That is what consequences are for.

Hold her accountable. That is what grownups do.

SO I guess her parents know what she did? Make sure they know everything.

Also you and her get tested for std's. The OM might have more than one affair under his belt.

You can be happy again in time. What you need to decide is will you be happier with her or without her.

It is your decision. Not your wifes decision.

She lost that right.

HM

unless you are 100% ok with an open marriage concept, then STOP enabling her. why didn't you go to this bar with her to make sure she did not do anything wrong??? By telling her its ok to go drinking at this event, it was like giving her permission to sleep with this guy. give her permission, she will use it!

you need to read about "the 180" on how to deal with her at this point. she is in love with a guy who decided to NOT leave his wife. you need to snap her out of that, and have her NOT find another guy on Ashley maddison to continue it with. that is, if you still want her back.

I think the bros. have said it all. You need to stand up for yourself, set some firm boundaries for your WW and let her know if she crosses them she is history. Right now your allowing her to call the shots, the same person who went behind your back, lied, cheated and deceived and your allowing her to run the show. That shit needs to stop right now. She is never, ever going to attempt to stop her A if you leave her to do it alone. She needs to be motivated to do so, she needs to be shown exactly what life will be like without you in it. Reality and the consequences for her actions need to be shoved right up her cheating ass. There is no talking her, nice'ing her, loving her, buying her etc etc etc back into the M. She needs motivation and the only way that's going to happen is to cut her ass loose and let her experience life on her own. That means you have to totally cut her off. No support what-so-ever !!!!! And whatever you do don't allow her to use any of your or marital funds to support her cheating ways. Right now both she and the OM are lying their asses off to you and the OBS. You cant police them 24/7 and cheaters can be pretty crafty about contact and hook ups on the sly.

Your only course of action is to accept that your WW is gone because while she may be under thee same rood as you her heart is with another. Pack up her shit and send her off to deal with the mess she created on her own. Consult with and employ an attorney and begin to fight for your legal rights. Expose what she is doing to whomever needs to know. You are not responsible for keeping her dirty little secrets, she is going to threaten you with leaving if you do these things. But guess what ? She is already gone and all she is only concerned about is how this is going to make her look to others, Blow this damn A up and maybe, just maybe your M can be salvaged. If you allow her to keep having full control your life is doomed. She is walking all over you, its time you stood up, pick your balls up off the floor and fought back. Swift, harsh action is all she is going to understand, everything else is a waste of time. Good luck brother, keep posting and reading. We all have walked in your shoes and your not alone in this shit hole.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 7:02 AM, March 8th (Sunday)]

She left on a Tuesday night after the kids were asleep. Told them she was on a business trip in the morning when they woke up. Told her I loved her enough to watch her leave. She went to the therapist on Thursday and we told the eight year old on Friday2-13-15 night that mommy and daddy were having adult problems and were going to live apart for awhile to sort it out. As happily as humanly(and a xanax for me) possible.

I met with a divorce attorney and spoke with spouse of ws 2-20-15.

I feel like last Monday nights episode was her needing to see him and feel it was over, and my gut tells me that it is. Communicating with his spouse has given me the comfort that she didn't have any opportunity even if they had wanted to. I know that it will never be the same or normal again but I know I dont want the marriage we had before all of this. I feel like I've awoken from a daze and regardless of how my marriage ends up I'm a better person/father for all of this.

Trust me the bubble of fog surrounding their affair has been blown away. We started therapy because I made the call after she admitted the emotional affair part. We are continuing with it for the foreseeable future because it has helped us communicate in a way that wasn't possible before. In our last appointment the realization that she'd hurt me so badly on Monday brought her to tears and I asked why she'd never cried or apologized for hurting me and our family like this and all she could do was sob and apologize. The first one I'd gotten that wasn't wrapped in meta bullsh#t about how this was could make us richer/stronger. Just I'm sorry.

Weirdest part about this is that I always thought I'd be so much more angry if this ever happened. I can't even muster any hate for the guy she did it with. He's a bald 32/year old who lives in ash#thole compared to me and I don't even really know him, other than he was raised really religiously but apparently missed the lesson on humility. I hold all the cards in terms of finance and housing, she makes more (w2) income and all my income disappears in expenses into my family's business. House is leased to me with her as occupant she has leased the condo for 90 days and I could change the locks today if I wanted to. If I wanted spousal support for the next four years and 50-50 custody (because ahe is a loving mother) it wouldn't be an issue. But I'd rather keep my family intact and see if we can't work this out. The fukt part is that we can't afford for her to quit and neither can he. But I do know my wife well enough to be able to see if she restarts the behavior, she just isn't that good of a liar.

But I do know my wife well enough to be able to see if she restarts the behavior, she just isn't that good of a liar.

Don't bet the farm on that !!!!! I'm sure you felt the same way before she lied and cheated on you. Your just adjusting your optimism to suit the circumstance. Its great to be optimistic, but its better t prepare for the worst. Which is something I suggest you actively do. Best of luck to you, I hope it works out.

I knew last november that she was crossing the line emotionally. I felt secure that she wasn't too stupid to throw away our family because I knew the guy wasn't going to leave his stay at home wife and two kids and mortgage on the house he'd just bought for living in an apartment and having a ldr with her. I guessed right about him it was her that I was wrong about. Trust I will not repeat that mistake.

Truth be told I had an emotional affair 5+ years ago. When given the chance to meet she told she wasn't going to see me unless I left my wife and child. Clarity hit me like a ton of bricks and I realized how retarded I was acting. But it left me open to thinking my wife could would be the same way. I will not do that again.

Been reading through the different threads and learning a lot. The past month has been a but of a blur. Looking at the calendar and my journal entriea has been helpful. She got back sunday 1-25. 1-30 I knew and was demanding she break it off and tell him. Following week was a bunch of fence sitting bs. First two counseling appointments on the 3rd and the 5th and no real emotions except concern for him. Me attempting to talk reasonably albeit with anxiety nearly overwhelming me. Looking back I can hear her listing off her shallow justifications for her affair.

Counselor met with us both. I couldn't bear the idea of separation. Then came my first appointment without her on the 10th. Talking things through with the counselor I talked through what was safe for me to see her go. She could have sunday to Tuesday and I would have them the other 4 days if the week. Talking it through with the counselor I thought there was no way she'd leave, but if she wanted to do it on my terms then I wanted her to gtf out.

Talked about my terms after the kids were asleep and she was off to a hotel, and I was steeling myself and channelling my anger into being a better father, controlling what I had control over. Her solo appointment on Thursday she agreed we should tell james in a positive way. Friday the 13th she found a furnished condo and rented it for 90 days. Valentines day was the bottom for me. Oldest son was an accident born 9.5 months after valentines. Now she was waiting for her lover and it pissed me off but I sure as hell wasn't going to be her default choice.

Sunday morning. We had agreed previously that she would get the kids by 10am. Got a text at 8am "he told her. Its over. I'm over.". Reading it back this morning makes my stomach burn.

Not sure this is healthy. Makes me realize how niave and stupid I was acting but the counselor was telling me to let her lover cause the hurt. I let it happen and she was still wanting to sleep at the condo. The distance was good for me but damn it hurt at least she enjoyed being with the kids. Control what you can and know you can't predict the future.

Communication is improving. The following week I see a divorce attorney. She plugs in the numbers and it is just another surreal episode. Her advice was helpful though. Don't use time with the kids as a bartering tool. Left there 375 poorer but secure that I had a path forward.

More counseling the following week. She had the first hour and the second was mine. Arrived to get to hear her tell me that she didn't know why but having the space of the condo was helping her relax.

Fuck. Left counseling to go to dinner with my family. Talking with my father and brother in law while my wife gabbed away with my sister and mother. All of us pretending that everything was normal. I was pissed as hell. Thursday the 26th.

I realized over the weekend that it was more of the all about her show. He was in town and they were going to see each other on Tuesday. Sunday night in meet his wife and we talk for an hour and a half. She questiins, as has every other woman in my life, howna mother could do this to her kids. And like every other time I can only shrug and wonder.

Monday night she goes to to wla work dinner, in show up for drinks but her lover(now ex) doesn't have the courage to even look me in the eye when we pass each other, me leaving to go to the house with the kids and him into the restaurant with a couple other coworkers. I didn't know his face but he certainly knew mine.

She came home blotto at 11:15. I didn't want to fight so I steeled myself and told her I thought she was too drunk to drive back to the condo. The next day she spent in a full day conference while I spent 6.5 hours meeting the people in charge of 35% of my companies business. Exhausted at 4:45 I went to the hotel where their conference was since it's about a ha halfe mile from home. A cold beer takes the edge off. She sits with me and we talk. Official company dinner starts at 6. I tell her I was hoping to see her afterwards. She comes by the house and stays the night. In our bed but I'm not ready to let down the wall I've built over the past few weeks.

Thursday I have the second of my intake appointments with the psychiatrist. He tells me I could do some.SSRIs electively but that I don't seem.depressed. running from that appointment to the marriage counselor it begins to dawn on me. I'm not the one who is fukt in the head.

Friday we get couples massage. Being naked together soaking for a half hour is awkward at best. But the massage is relaxing. Cant help but winder why it took something this shitty to appreciate the little things more. But an apology would still be nice.

Last weekend was the best I'd had in a while. Not normal but the new normal I suppose. When she mentioned him being out sick today as a reason why she got so much work done, I couldn't help but cringe. He's 300 miles away and just a click or phone call away, they have to communicate to guide deal flow and get their jobs done. Hopefully his wife will make him quit and SOON.

More counseling today. I want to ask the counselor if I'm crazy to think that I'm not at all responsible for my wife's infidelity. I know that the counselor wants to see my wife for more sessions and us as a couple. The counselor also told me I could stop journaling in our private session after telling my wife she had startednto make progress butneeded to continue during our couples time. I was just glad she had started journaling at all.

Now that the dust is settling I feel like it is my time to make a decision. I won't be anyone's default choice. Her actions must now correlate to her words. My children will remain my #1 priority.

Has she said she wanted to stay married to you?

Is other man only ended because other man ended it? If other man said he wanted to begin again, would your wife say yes to start other man again?

Does your wife think that you will be waiting for her should she decide to choose you?

It sounds to me like she is giving herself that 90 days to let other man commit to her. That is her plan, I think. My prediction is that after 90 days, she still won't be able to decide and will separate another 90 more days. Cheaters are legendary in how long many can sit on the fence.

Your wife has been with you for years. She knows what you is all about. It should not take this much to decide. It should take a day or two. Maybe a week, tops.

I wonder about this: picture finally your wife, six months from now, finally decides to stay married to you, ends the separate, comes back, and says she is re-committing. Life goes on, comes back to the "new normal," and your life - and marriage - is continuing. A year goes on further, and one day the other man contacts your wife at work, and he tells her "I'm getting divorced, wife is dumping me, can I see you?"

What is your plan? Do you have your own proactive plan, or are you just reactive, going on seat-of-the-pants, following reactive to whatever your wife does next?

Please think about what you want here, and what the reality is.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 7:41 AM, March 10th (Tuesday)]

Has she said she wanted to stay married to you?

Yes.

Is other man only ended because other man ended it? If other man said he wanted to begin again, would your wife say yes to start other man again?

Honestly I don't know. I know that I'd change the locks and nope the fuck out of my marriage if she did restart it. Therapist says my wife is an honest woman who made a mistake. I want to believe but she needs to continue to back up her words with her actions.

What is your plan? Do you have your own proactive plan, or are you just reactive, going on seat-of-the-pants, following reactive to whatever your wife does next?

Plan is to work on the marriage and see how I feel. I realize now that I'm not 100% sure I want to be married to the woman I'm getting to know. I want to believe she is capable of being the person she says and thinks she is but her recent actions are so self absorbed it makes me sick. If I sense her turning away I'll contact his wife and see if she feels the same way. If I have something more than a gut feeling I'll change the locks, lawyer up, and concentrate on being the best working single father I can.

Fool me once shame on you, fool my twice shame on me. I'm not going to watch this get swept under the rug. Either she gets the help necessary to figure out why she did what she did or I'm noping the fuck out. I don't need any more drama in my life than this episode has already brought on.

Mrhealed I am going to literally print out your reply to buzzy54321 and keep copies of it on my desk, in my kitchen and on my nightstand. You are so right on. This is a hard decision to come to, so much of my time is spent wallowing in the hopes of an R. Meanwhile all of my current "guides" and "guide books" lead me to the same conclusions you have shared here but you say it in such a great, forthright way, it really helps to drive the point home from a person with experience. Thanks for the pep talk.