SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BeerParty

You need to get into independent counseling with a counselor who is experienced in handling PTSD and infidelity.

We are not helping you. It just keeps going around in circles here. You are tired of us hitting you and we are tired of seeing a good man flounder.

I think you need to take a break from SI and go and find your way. Come back in a few months and let us know how it went.

Thanks. I'm going to do just that. I have worn out my welcome around here. I will let you guys know in a couple months how it all went down. thanks for all the help. really appreciate.

you haven't worn out your welcome DG. Keep posting.

You just need to listen to those of us who you claim are right. Further, you need to think about yourself first in this case. Your considerations are for everyone else but not for you.

Don't tell me you are going back to that MC again ??

DG I check this site like five times a day......just for this thread!

Beer-Party - "DoneGone I think you are not getting the help you need here.

You need something else. The sense I get is you have no one in the real world on your side. I would bet bottom dollar you have not spoken to your own counselor or pastor or anyone real and tangible who can guide you hrough this ordeal.

You need to get into independent counseling with a counselor who is experienced in handling PTSD and infidelity.

We are not helping you. It just keeps going around in circles here. You are tired of us hitting you and we are tired of seeing a good man flounder.

I think you need to take a break from SI and go and find your way. Come back in a few months and let us know how it went."

I agree that DG needs IRL advice, huge support and lots of friends. Don't we all. Sometimes they are not always available, so we look online for help. I'm sure you did it once yourself, BP. I totally disagree this site is not helping him. What gives you the authority to say that? He has been writing from his heart - something very hard for many men to do...and he's having a harder time that you did (perhaps) and has to take things on his time. We ALL have our own timeline and I have been most guilty of sharing everything online to a group and worked through so many issues I trusted people with. If they had told me to go away, I'd have been devastated. Yes - it took me awhile too.

For me - I never get tired of somebody - man or woman who is still 'floundering' - how far you've come to offer that advice, Sir.

How dare you tell him to take a break from this great SI site that may be helping him - you don't know.

Ya - go throw back a beer buddy, come on back when ya get what I'm saying.

That is NOT what this site is about. You should go throw back a beer and quit insulting people for sharing their experiences.

DG,

Keep posting as it will help you. People may disagree but we are all doing one thing, trying to help you.

We can disagree on the path.

Your wife if not out to get you. She is trying to save her M.

I understand the need for closure. That is normal.

If you go to MC, take control. Explain that you already know in your heart it is a PA. Explain that everything you read will be no worse than you imagined.

Tell the MC that you caught the A three times. She could have stopped at sexting but did not. She could have stopped at pictures but did not.

You have tried to save the marriage and she continued. Explain that at these times in when she should have put the effort in to save the marriage. That is when she should have put the work in, not now.

You have tried, more than once. You have been more than reasonable, more than once.

Tell the MC all the things you have done that were not enough to stop the A.

This will give a balanced score card.

Don't leave us DoneGone - based on Beer Party's comments.

I found them very rude.

If the laptop and cell phone were purchased with marital money, are they not half owned by you? I guess I don't understand how these items are not considered marital property and you are just as entitled to use them as she is.

I'm sorry if we are all coming on strongly and it's because most of us are well out of the shock phase and pretty much "know" what we would do now with all of our hindsight and growth since our own Ddays. We all made big and little mistakes on our road to healing and we all do hope for the best for you. Experienced SI posters seem to pounce on any thread with an ongoing unremorseful spouse (like yours). It's like seeing someone bleeding in the street and the assailant is still on the scene and we want to prevent further attacks. Take it what you can and be gentle on yourself. Even if we all seem to be swinging 2 x 4's.

DG,

I may be mistaken but I sense that you are willing to R but don’t know how to do it, don’t know how to forgive her, as long as you don’t know what you should forgive her to fix the marriage).

All I can say is that, based in my own experience, being stuck is slowly killing you!

Thinking about giving R a try but not knowing how, thinking about split but not knowing if that was the right thing to do… was the hardest thing I ever faced. In my head was a mix of ideas and feelings about love, resentment, anger…very exhausting.

What worked for me was closure, accept the things that happened, accept that all I know was not enough but there was a no way to know all that happened, and the most important thing: She was not who I thought she was…

IMO, getting closure is about saying what you need to say to who you need to say it.

Your next MC may be a final tramp to take you to the cleaners and taint your name, I doubt it but I have seen worse, or maybe the same as 1 and 2 meetings, also very unlikely as haven’t work so far, or a much more strong try to keep you attending MC, very bad idea with this MC, or anything else.

I believe you should tell your WW at the next MC what is in your mind, not the anger, not insults but facts:

The disappointment your feel, for the lying, for making you feel mind sick and letting you ask for help when you were right, etc.

Not coming clean was driving you nuts, and pushing you away,

Not right involving your Daughters,

Not right involving a lot of people,

That even if it was just an EA, she going to a motel to meet him says a lot of what she was willing/wanting to do.

No matter what, she is the love of your life but can be together anymore, at least until all cards are on the table to know if you can give her a chance to try R.

You want the D to be civil and amicable for the Daughters.

Etc.

Then sit there and wait for the MC to finish for her to give you the PS.

No matter if you cry, no matter if she cries as well, all that matter is that you can take all of this from your chest to start healing.

Just another thing BE CAREFUL TO KEEP THE ANGER UNDER CONTROL, if you lose it this time you are not going to get the PS and they will have a perfect excuse for not giving them to you. Use your phone as a VAR even tell them that you are recording the MC meeting.

Good luck

DG,

IS is a place to get all kind of opinions, this is what makes this place great as you can see so many angles.

Share whatever you want, vent all you need nd keep reading.

I also share beer party point, you should get help, not for anger issues, but for all that has happened.

Good luck

DG,

I think you are doing a pretty well now all things considered.

Interesting that you have two daughters living with you. The eldest was quite firm about trying to make MC happen.

Are your daughters dividing up their attention to cover both mom and dad. There is a take care of dad team and take care of mom girl? Sounds like they put more resources on you because you have become the decision maker. Also, they are worried about you.

Your daughters willingness to step up and try and hold your family together is moving. It shows that you and your wife have done a good job of instilling values, such as loyalty.

Some posters assert that you have been indecisive, and thus prone to manipulation. I disagree. When you seized her lap top and phone, you too control. The "Mexican stand-off" is a kind of limbo, but the length of time before third session of MC is short.

Why don't you tell your wife that you are willing to consider reconcilation post divorce, depending on how she conducts herself?

A great deal depends on her honesty. Is she going to be an open herself to you. Is she a sound person who became sexually infatuated with another man for a period of time?

People often emphasize that cheating is a choice not a mistake. And yet your daughters said "Mom made a mistake" or words to that effect. Are they completely wrong?

Your WW chose to fornicate because she wanted to. She made many mistakes and miscalculations, including believing she was going to get away with it and that none the wiser, you would not be hurt while she would enjoy illicit pleasure. These notions were mistaken and you have demonstrated it.

The MC wants to save your marriage. Is that becaue the MC favors cheating wives? Could it be that she has listen and formed a judgment that your wife does not suffer BPD or substance abuse. She is a person who was hitherto responsible and can return to that?

Your plan to divorce your wife is a good one. Do it. See if she becomes a harpy when settling. If making you happy in the settlement is a priority for her, that speaks favorably about her values.

If she does not date, that will say something about her desire for R.

You have indicated that it would be too easy to surrender to R on your wife's terms. She has great power over you. Do you feel that communicating your feelings would leave you paralyzed?

[This message edited by LongWalk at 1:14 PM, May 11th (Monday)]

The best to you and your family.

DG,

I wanted to clarify that the reason I fear a setup is that the way you are being treated by the MC doesn't match the conversations, emails, and messages you are getting from your wife. The messages you are getting show remorse and understanding but when you are with the MC, it's like she got a completely different story about you. How is it that in MC, you are this terrifying angry man who can't control himself and has to be managed but when you get messages from your wife directly, she's so sorry and you have every right to be upset?

That is the part that worries me. If she's sending you those type of messages, why isn't she defending you to the counselor? To me, the minute your inability to handle your anger became the focus, the wife who has been writing you the way she has could have said, "You've misunderstood. Yes, he had an angry reaction in the initial period after the affair but it is a very uncommon occurrence. He has not been an angry man for all of our marriage and even during that outburst, he did not hurt me. I do not think the focus of our sessions should be his anger, but rather myou behavior."

Instead, you have had to listen to a therapist tell you that if you don't change your angry ways, you are going to lose your wife and your wife is just sitting there letting you take the fallout. That just doesn't mesh with the messages you're getting from her. So, why is she just sitting there if she believes what she's telling you when the therapist isn't involved? That is what makes me suspicious, DG. The manipulation of everyone involved coupled with the opposing messages makes me worry for you. Those are the disparities that just don't make sense.

Despite what I've posted, I want you to be right about this because it means you haven't been screwed over again. I really do want this to work out for you in the best way possible.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 5:20 AM, May 11th (Monday)]

My opinion is as valid as anyone else's.

DG has been here for weeks and is at an empass. He has been provided the tools and wisdom from the posters here to propel himself further through this crisis. If he has not chosen to follow that advice then that is his choice.

Smacking him upside the head over and over and over is not working. DG seems paralyzed with fear and doubt. We have all been there. He will determine when he is ready to move forwards, not us.

I have said nothing rude or derrogatory towards him. I want him to get through this heartbreak and to the other side as much as anyone here, but I really do think he needs to seek out the support of real people in his real world. We are pixels on a screen to him. We can only offer so much, and so far all we have offered him is lightly veiled contempt for what we perceive to be weakness and prevarication.

I stand by what I said.

BeerParty...

Making a member here not feel welcomed is not valid.

You're the one that's frustrated with this situation, then you're the one that needs to step back. Not the person needing support.

At this point...we are requesting you stay off this thread.

Sorry for your pain. Your conduct and approach is not ridiculous. It probably would not be the tact I would take, but not ridiculous. There are risks associated with your approach, but there are ways to navigate them like the suggested VAR and your own counselor..

I tried to read through the whole thread but found it difficult for a bunch of reasons. Some of the "helpful" posts were far too strident. Like people were offended when you did not immediately recognize the errors in your ways and conform to their suggested behavior.

Best of luck.

Donegone, best of luck man.

You have been taking a beating from your family, friends, MC and here as well. I'm sure it's exhausting.

I believe you when you say you've been taking the advice, just not on everyone else's timeline. I don't think you would have kept coming back to the forum for more beatings if you weren't getting something from it. As far as timeline, you have a plan, just because it's different than how others would handle it doesn't make your timeline wrong.

Stay strong, come back whenever you feel comfortable. It may be hard to believe, but DG we do actually care about your well being, even if your ribs don't feel that way.

Donegone,

Valentinsucks mention early that maybe on the third session the MC and your wife may have the police there to ambush you for the computer and phone.

and as Tearsoflove and other have said sounds like they are setting you up. it sound a little like a setup to what end I am not sure.

Maybe they are or maybe they are not, just be prepared.

Do not bring the computer and phone with you on the third session.

Also if you can get there (MC office) an hour early to see if you see any marked or unmarked police there. but keep in mind they MC's office could call them after you get there.

maybe have a new but same model phone and computer in the car if the police do show up to give her. Batteries dead of course, it would buy you some time.

[This message edited by convert at 12:00 PM, May 11th (Monday)]

The illegality thing is probably way overblown. Maybe I am not remembering correctly, but I believe the electronics are family owned and the phone service is in his name. Regardless, cops generally do not get involved in these types of domestic disputes. They are civil matters to be handled by civil courts. Finally, don't they have an agreement in place between them as to him holding the electronics while they go through MC and then he gets the passwords?

DoneGone,

I have read your story now and I see many similarities in how you are dealing with this as I have been.

Your action, perhaps, has been stronger and better than mine. My wife has been in this affair for over 18 months and it's killing me. You can see my year long transition from hurt and loving husband to devastated and enraged cuckold.

Because we have 5 children age 4-15, separation is nearly impossible given the reality of my life. Divorce would devastate my family.

I am not in marriage counseling now. IC for me and her is what is needed. I will go back to MC when I feel she has told me all the truth and answered all my questions. I need her to show remorse for an extended period of time to let me know that she gets it and is safe for me to love her again. I need her to go to church and confess her sins to God (as in go to confession, something she has refused to do for over two years... I wonder why). She has defiled our marriage, and she needs God's forgiveness to start again. I need her to adjust her attitude towards me, my family, and her life. The anger and resentment and lack of forgiveness has hardened her heart and allowed her to justify, in her mind, that she deserved to be able to cheat.

If she can show me all those things, then I will go to MC with her. I can't even contemplate trying to be a better husband until the affair is long gone and she has fixed herself and I have had some time to heal.

Your wife has been living a lie. She pretended to be faithful and love you when she did not. She took the benefits and comfort of a one to one relationship and the racy fun of a one to many relationship. For me, I can no longer pretend that I am married, for to do so would be living a lie. I will not. Not any more.

DoneGone, I feel for you. I defended my wife over hundreds of texts and pleas from others at SI to shake me out of my fog. I have done so, at long last. I am angry at my wife beyond words. But I still love her beyond words as well. I don't know yet if we will reconcile or divorce. Time will tell, but I will not give up on her until I see that she is, beyond the shadow of a doubt, unable to be a loving wife again.

Good luck going forward. You and I are on a similar path, and it really sucks.

(((((DoneGone)))))

Infidelity is not a victimless offense. If she cheats on me, then I am a victim. If she intentionally cheats on me then I am an intended victim.

I am merely stating that my opinion is different from yours. At the end of the day, we have to consider everything and make our decision based on that.

.... DG, you are a wise person.

You are doing what you need to do, in the manner that you (indeed) set out from the early days of this thread.

Good luck to you - whichever way it goes.

I send you strength to 'survive infidelity'.

Isn't that why we are here guys - to support one another's' survival?

(DG & 3 DDs; nd indeed mrs DG)