SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think everything you said, RealityBlows, can be applied to my husband. The low self esteem, the low self confidence, his feeling of getting old and wondering if he's still "got it", his feelings of "is that it?", him having achieved what he wanted in his career and nowhere up to go anymore. So yeah, totally my husband. And when the AP started talking to him, there was no stopping him. At all. I even met her, he was so happy that he wanted her to meet the family. Forgot to add the girlfriend bit, though.

One thing cheaters should do is being more GRATEFUL. For the families, the spouses and the lifestyle they have. My husband was (and still is) on a huge self-pity party, which lead him having a girlfriend at work being very acceptable. Now, 16 mths after dday, he has lost a lot.

But i am still grateful. Before i was grateful of having him in my life. Now i'm grateful that he's out, and that he has to pay me every month for the privilege.

Yes, my WW was definitely in a mid-life crisis-y "Am I still attractive to men?" time of her life. It's not a coincidence that her A happened the year she turned 50.

What drives me crazy, though, is that she had a loving, passionate guy at home who still found her very attractive and would be happy to rock her world anytime, anywhere. Evidently, though, a "husband" wasn't as thrilling as an AP, because she had zero interest in being attractive or exciting to me.

Yes, my WW was definitely in a mid-life crisis-y "Am I still attractive to men?" time of her life. It's not a coincidence that her A happened the year she turned 50.

What drives me crazy, though, is that she had a loving, passionate guy at home who still found her very attractive and would be happy to rock her world anytime, anywhere. Evidently, though, a "husband" wasn't as thrilling as an AP, because she had zero interest in being attractive or exciting to me.

Preaching to the choir my man. I'm right there with you. Only my wife did it at 45 years old. At least your wife held out 5 more years.

She betrayed a man that would have given his life for her for someone that considered her a nice piece of side ass.

What drives me crazy, though, is that she had a loving, passionate guy at home who still found her very attractive and would be happy to rock her world anytime, anywhere. Evidently, though, a "husband" wasn't as thrilling as an AP, because she had zero interest in being attractive or exciting to me.

I hear you VodkaHiker....

its like I can tell my WW she is beautiful, but if the gas station dude says it, she will feel all tingley for about 24 hours.

She betrayed a man that would have given his life for her for someone that considered her a nice piece of side ass.

Uh...yep.

[This message edited by steppingup at 1:19 PM, March 26th (Thursday)]

This is my wife almost exactly.

Just when our lives were stabilizing. Just when we were out of children in diapers. Just when both our businesses were running well. Just after she read 50 Shades of Gray....

22 years of marriage. She befriends a guy and starts texting (under the pretense of violin lessons). Sure there were some lessons. But a couple months later he sent her an email asking her to sleep with him (just so they could "communicate" so much closer).

She ramps up the self validating excuses, "I'm lonely, I don't want this life, you aren't ever around, you don't appreciate me..." And she rages on me more than ever right before and after she does something illicit in a vain attempt to make it acceptable.

You got it exactly right.

I was the SAHM soccer Mom who drove minivans for years. The kids grew up, went off to college and onto careers.

Was it a big change after years of PTA, sports and school? Most definitely. Did I cheat to fill some "void?" Absolutely not.

To me, these kind of articles only provide an excuse and places the blame on circumstances rather than the individual.

THIS.

I agree all these things are excuses. I meet most of them and I had a son in Afghanistan. So?

Well, RealityBlows hasn't been back to address some of these new topics, but I feel like he's definitely NOT trying to excuse any of this behavior, or defend it in any way. Just my take.

I felt like it was a way of explaining the emotions, thoughts, and feelings these women developed out of a selfish interpretation that they were entitled to more. Further, they felt it was someone's else's fault they didn't receive everything they wanted/needed.

Like I mentioned before, the big missing piece to the puzzle is why adultery could be misconstrued as an acceptable course of action to address these issue. That piece will probably never be found, of course.

The best line I heard was it was a "see what I can do?" tactic. Childish, selfish, but we know that.

[This message edited by jcanada at 4:26 PM, March 26th (Thursday)]

I was thinking more on the lines that my wife pretty much sucked every ounce of life she could from me by the time we reached mid life. I had nothing more to "give" her to "make" her happy. The money was spent, the facade was established, and I was running the kids to soccer.

The WW then compartmentalizes her two worlds. In one world she is the matriarch of the family, the wife and the Holy Mother. In the other world she gets to be whomever she wants to be. She gets to recreate herself into what ever image she has fantasied about over the years. Fantasys she would never reveal to her wedded husband, too embarrassed to reveal. She has an image to maintain that she has built up since courtship. She gets to break out of her bride/wife/mother mold and escape her 24 year old reality.

This is totally a male perspective. Women don't think this way at all.

I felt like it was a way of explaining the emotions, thoughts, and feelings these women developed out of a selfish interpretation that they were entitled to more. Further, they felt it was someone's else's fault they didn't receive everything they wanted/needed.

Selfish interpretation that they were entitled to more? Huh? If you aren't satisfied with your life, why can't you want more? Do you think women want to exist just to serve their husbands and kids' needs? Maybe from the outside I had a "good" marriage, but I was unhappy. I felt like I should have a happy life like others (like my husband did), so I set about to change it, IN A HEALTHY WAY. I started exercising, started a play group, joined the garden club, started sailing with my friends again. I was unhappy, mostly because I felt undervalued (and dog tired), and I changed my life so I could feel better. I made new friends, got back into shape, connected with old friends, and exercised my brain. Is is my fault that american society doesn't value women/mom, no, but it is my responsibility to deal with it in a healthy way.

Now could an A be used as an exit affair for a women that has had enough, sure. Their are a lot of women seeking divorce in their 40s and 50s now, it is the fastest growing groups (there was something on NPR about this a few weeks ago). Women are now mostly working full time and still doing most of the house work, kid stuff etc. They are tired, and when their kids are grown and they have enough money they are leaving "good" marriages. Except those marriages aren't "good" for the wife/mom. My mom did this, left when my younger brother got out of college. She didn't have an exit affair, it wasn't about fantasies at all, long before "50 Shades", but she was tired of giving, tired of serving others. Was my dad an ass, no, he was pretty awesome but he didn't help around the house other than "fix" stuff in his workshop (yard work was mostly done by me or hired out when I went to college). But let me tell you, I've NEVER seen him cook or clean like he does with his second wife. He isn't going to make that mistake again.

Edited to add: These unhappy women aren't remarrying statistically. It has been almost 20 years and while my mom has been in a relationship or two, she hasn't and will not remarry.

[This message edited by million pieces at 5:29 AM, March 27th (Friday)]

He isn't going to make that mistake again.

I suspect I probably didn't help around the house enough or cook for my WW although I don't know for sure as she's never told me!

Oh well, I'm not going to make that mistake again.

If a man wanted a better picture of a woman's perspective, the book "Captivating" by Staci Eldridge would better capture the female dynamics than the attempt made in this post.

Lack of Moral Integrity ......that's it. No ifs, ands or buts about it. If you have strong moral convictions you will not do these immoral acts that desacrate the marriage.

She gets to recreate herself into what ever image she has fantasied about over the years. Fantasys she would never reveal to her wedded husband, too embarrassed to reveal.

I don't think this is accurate for most WWs. Maybe it applies more to WHs? This sounds like what a man would say who is projecting onto wayward women something that applies to him.

notaslut wrote:

Holly Crap nailed it. I have been trying to explain myself to my BH for 9 weeks.. Mrnotaslut needs to read this one..

Looks like he did. Looks like he saw it as the affair justifying that it is.

I didn't think reading that would have made it better.

notaslut, what were you hoping in him reading it? That he might think that you were somehow justified?

I was the SAHM soccer Mom who drove minivans for years. The kids grew up, went off to college and onto careers.

Was it a big change after years of PTA, sports and school? Most definitely. Did I cheat to fill some "void?" Absolutely not.

To me, these kind of articles only provide an excuse and places the blame on circumstances rather than the individual.

Trigger Warning: language, content

THIS again.

There are reasons for everything. Can you imagine someone writing something like this for someone with a gambling addiction, or drug issues? A killer or rapist?

I have low self worth too. I recently started working out more. My wife is going through health and emotional issues and our sex life is a disaster right now, and I am not sure it will ever get better. Look at all of the reasons I have to go to the bar and pick someone up, or take up one of the moms of the kids I have coached on their 'offers'. Imagine how much better I would feel, if not temporarily.

This whole 'article' lays out all sorts of dangerous circumstances that I imagine are very common. The problem here is that none of it matters... at all!

What matters is that you just don't cross the fucking line. EVER. It's not difficult to not put my dick in someone. It's not hard to keep from telling another woman about my marital issues and talking about what I want sexually.

Want to do something useful? Figure out what makes my WW different from me, so I don't have to go through the next thirty years of my life wondering what it is about me that wasn't and maybe still isn't good enough. Save the next BH from having to make a life with someone that he will never totally trust again.

Far be it from me to be so cliche, but...

Excuses are like assholes, everyone's got one.

" What I want to understand is the part of WS that makes it ok to choose to be immoral. "

Survival drive. It was for me. Picture a ballerina. How graceful. How beautiful. My dream, and almost reality. Now picture her sliding down a steep ravine. Grasping, flailing, tearing herself apart to find something to hang on to. Form and grace become weights to be jettisoned.

For some, morality is a luxury when faced with possible extinction. For others it's their definition. That's why some would kill if threatened and some would never. I fall in one. Many I knew fell in the other. As a child this left a lasting impression.

One mentions personality. I agree.

This is individual, I realize. Just giving mine.

Killing has NOTHING to do with morality. Murder is immoral, killing is not. Screwing some one who is not your spouse is not even in the same book as killing some one who is threatening your life!WTF!

One is immoral the other is not!

Its like comparing apples to asparagus. They are not even in the same classification!

I think the scenario that RealityBlows posted is a lot more common than we think. I also think the scenario is more a description of wayward behavior than cause of being a wayward. There are choices to be made along that scenario, and from what understand and read in this site infidelity is a buildup of many small poor choices along the way.

And yes, my XW did almost all as described in that scenario.