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I see this as a valid reason for my WW affair. But, and this only applies to people with children. WW may not have realized it was wrong and immoral as a Wife. WW is only the woman who made vows to me, and she destroyed all those vows. What about WW as a Mother of 2 small children? Just sayin, WW low self esteem, lack of attention etc... I get it. As a mother who did these things, I don't accept this as a valid excuse for her A. Husbands and Wives are allowed to be selfish and make horrible mistakes because we are only human. I feel Mothers and Fathers do not have that luxury of being selfish. Sorry to offend anyone but that's only my opinion.

" What I want to understand is the part of WS that makes it ok to choose to be immoral. "

Survival drive. It was for me. Picture a ballerina. How graceful. How beautiful. My dream, and almost reality. Now picture her sliding down a steep ravine. Grasping, flailing, tearing herself apart to find something to hang on to. Form and grace become weights to be jettisoned.

I see no connection between the ballerina, and how committing adultery/extramarital affairs help to stem the slide.

Possibly some other tactic? Leaving the situation that is causing so much pain, and divorcing? It seems more effective than remaining, and having sex with other people.

[This message edited by jcanada at 2:18 PM, March 27th (Friday)]

Selfish interpretation that they were entitled to more? Huh? If you aren't satisfied with your life, why can't you want more? Do you think women want to exist just to serve their husbands and kids' needs?

By "selfish interpretation" I was referring to a person who could examine their life, feel entitled to more, and decide that "more" means committing adultery--that is a selfish interpretation.

Anyone can want more than what they've got. If married, the pursuit of this should be confined to areas that don't break marriage vows. If this seems impossible, either end the marriage, or find other resolve.

[This message edited by jcanada at 2:26 PM, March 27th (Friday)]

Why Good Women In Good LT Marriages Cheat?

A lot can be explained by BOREDOM.

Very dangerous to marriages.

I had this thought when thinking about the myriad of "justifications/excuses" a WS uses to "justify" their CHOICE to have an A.

"If X,Y,Z reasons made you feel justified in that shitty choice you made...you should know that the pain you caused me would make me feel justified if I decided to punch you in your lying cheating face"

[This message edited by Sybo at 2:38 PM, March 27th (Friday)]

"Killing has NOTHING to do with morality"

No? There are those that disagree. I was posting from my experience.

Yes, screwing someone not your spouse is quite different than killing someone that's threatening your life. That wasn't the point. The point was that people define morality quite differently.

The killing when threatened wasn't someone breaking into your home. My experience was basically kill before you may be killed and that's quite a different animal, but also can be seen as threatened.

As to the question of the ballerina and how an affair helps with the slide, if you're struggling and in pain, a warm touch can be lifesaving. My illustration was merely the difference in how someone acts when not under stress or function in the survival mindset rather than a far healthier one.

This is not about excusing anything. I don't understand. A question will be asked, why would someone do xyz, and when an explanation based on one who did xyz is offered it's rebuked. It's a fact, though. People can act in ways that are completely contradictory to what they believed their moral code was in times of extreme stress.

I would think that would be understood here as many have posted of things they did in reaction that were never a choice prior to this. Not just talking about the shock and awe of discovery but even years after.

Maybe these questions are rhetorical and asked to be answered by the recipient rather than the sender. If so, I apologize. Was trying to offer an answer that fit for me.

[This message edited by allinmyhead at 2:46 PM, March 27th (Friday)]

For those who know my situation, WW one time, one sexual encounter was 25 years ago when I was 25 and she was 24. As many have stated here her lame ass excuse was because the OM flattered her with attention. She had always struggled with her weight a little. Had lost some pounds and along comes the OM. He compliments my W and within 2 weeks she has a one time sexual encounter with OM.

Now don't get me wrong....I love my W and have forgiven her long ago as she confessed the following day and begged for forgiveness. Still. after all these years this shit blows me away. The OM was fat, out of shape, an alcoholic class A loser. Polar opposite of me. I have always been a stable hard working family man starting at a young age. Always involved with my son's activities through the years. We have a very close bond to this day. I had always showed my W with love and attention. Flowers, cards, letters, gifts, dates you name it and she got it. I have always paid close attention to my physical appearance. Have worked out for years and still have a 10% body fat percentage. Just trying to be fit and attractive to my wife.

I just don't get this lame ass bullshit about how the WS succumbs to infidelity because of a damn ego and self image problem. Hell, they can't take a compliment without dropping their panties or unzipping their pants? My wife told me after her brief A that she did not find the OM attractive. She had no feelings for him. She didn't enjoy the sex and her guilt, remorse and regret affected her so bad that she had to tell me the day after her sexual encounter. Where was her damn moral compass the day she was having sex?

Today my W still struggles with her weight. I still give her all the attention I can possibly muster. She always talks about trying to get fit and lose weight. Hell, if she does and gets a compliment will she repeat her infidelity. Who knows? I'll never understand the psyche of a cheater.

million pieces wrote:

Selfish interpretation that they were entitled to more? Huh? If you aren't satisfied with your life, why can't you want more?

Everyone can feel entitled to want more. Nothing wrong with that. I sure did.

But I wasn't going to cheat to get it.

Well, RealityBlows hasn't been back to address some of these new topics, but I feel like he's definitely NOT trying to excuse any of this behavior, or defend it in any way. Just my take.

I felt like it was a way of explaining the emotions, thoughts, and feelings these women developed out of a selfish interpretation that they were entitled to more. Further, they felt it was someone's else's fault they didn't receive everything they wanted/needed.

Like I mentioned before, the big missing piece to the puzzle is why adultery could be misconstrued as an acceptable course of action to address these issue. That piece will probably never be found, of course.

The best line I heard was it was a "see what I can do?" tactic. Childish, selfish, but we know that.

Thanks Jcanada. Yes, I wasn't trying to give rational "Reasons" or justifications. I was explaining the "Slippery Slope" that occurs in these midlife crisis Affairs. They counter each boundary violation with a justification ie. "I deserve this", "I have parted myself out...there is nothing left for me...well it's time for me now", "We are just roommates...he won't even notice...he probably wont even care"."I deserve to be loved...I deserve passion and affection" even if these things were already available in abundance.

HikingwithKoda:

What drives me crazy, though, is that she had a loving, passionate guy at home who still found her very attractive and would be happy to rock her world anytime, anywhere. Evidently, though, a "husband" wasn't as thrilling as an AP

I noticed my WW needed outside validation. My attentions and compliments were becoming White Noise. It's like what Steppingup says:

its like I can tell my WW she is beautiful, but if the gas station dude says it, she will feel all tingley for about 24 hours.

StillHis & Iseethelight:

The WW then compartmentalizes her two worlds. In one world she is the matriarch of the family, the wife and the Holy Mother. In the other world she gets to be whomever she wants to be. She gets to recreate herself into what ever image she has fantasied about over the years. Fantasys she would never reveal to her wedded husband, too embarrassed to reveal. She has an image to maintain that she has built up since courtship. She gets to break out of her bride/wife/mother mold and escape her 24 year old reality.

This is totally a male perspective. Women don't think this way at all.

In response to StillHis & Iseethelight: I was trying to explain how the A allows the WW a chance to break out of her marrital

mold. My WW said she (the wife, mother, matriarch) was too embarrassed to ask me to do or try certain risque 'out of charachcter' things. The A allowed her to reinvent herself, to sort of rollplay. She was stuck in a self concieved and maintained marrital paradigm. What sucks is, I would have LOVED to help her/us try new things, mix it up, break molds, experiment. What I perceived as a lack of interest on her part was-according to her, actually a lack of courage. This is just a damned shame.

Jcanada Wrote:

Why do they not realize this is simply wrong, and not acceptable behavior for a married woman? Why don't they stop and accept that this is adultery-- a disgusting, vile betrayal of the person they vowed/promised they would never forsake?

I will probably go to my grave trying to figure this out, trying to figure how the love of my life for 25 years, my best friend, mother of my children could do this to the-in her own words, "love of her life for 25 years, her best friend, father of her children".

I hope you will forgive the gender bias in this piece. I was just speaking to one kind of A involving woman. As Lovedyoumore and Lark pointed out, there are a lot of cross gender similarities that can be applied.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 6:41 PM, March 27th (Friday)]

Stillhis,

Thank you.

My WW said she (the wife, mother, matriarch) was too embarrassed to ask me to do or try certain risque 'out of charachcter' things. The A allowed her to reinvent herself, to sort of rollplay. She was stuck in a self concieved and maintained marrital paradigm.

ah, this makes much more sense. Your wife was too embarrassed. I would definitely be not.

sorry for the generalizing. May I correct my post to say:

As a woman, the theory above would definitely not apply to myself.

To answer "vellocet" question

notaslut, what were you hoping in him reading it? That he might think that you were somehow justified?

I did not find RealityBlows post as a justification for A behavior, I found this post expressed where my head was at. I have already admitted that I was wrong for what I did to my BH but I was having trouble explaining to him where I was at mentally.

I have to admit this post has helped me better understand my SHIT to thank you "RealityBlows" thank you!!

[This message edited by notaslut at 11:43 AM, March 30th (Monday)]

notaslut, unless its just a major coincidence, I am assuming that MrNotASlut is your husband?

If so, this is what he posted

My spouse said she felt lonely and neglected and because of that, she felt justified to have an affair and lie about it even thought it was perfectly obvious that the stress she caused was killing me. WTF is that????

Cheaters fucking piss me off, the damage they do is incredible, and they do it without guilt or remorse.

So of course YOU do not see it as justification, but if MNAS is your husband, he surely did, as will, I would guess, a lot of BSs

"I will probably go to my grave trying to figure this out, trying to figure how the love of my life for 25 years, my best friend, mother of my children could do this to the-in her own words, "love of her life for 25 years, her best friend, father of her children"."

I just said this exact thing to my husband although not 25 years and not about cheating. 5 years but he said I was the love of his life. I would love to know the answer to this. How do you eviscerate and cause obvious pain to someone you claim to love? My guess is you don't. I know when I felt love I felt concern and care. Now? Not at all.

Can you ever recover from that blow? No matter what changes are made? You got to a point that your spouse ceased to matter. Their pain was an irritation not a call to arms. Their sadness and despair something to be ignored or even better blamed on them. I'm not sure you're supposed to recover, at least not with one that inflicted the injury.

Why Good Women In Good LT Marriages Cheat?

Call me crazy, but I wouldn't consider myself a good man if I betrayed someone I claim to love.

If a woman wants desperately to have an affair but doesn't - if she secretly covets that guy across the street, or even just randomly imagines being with him once or twice - is she good?

HOP -

I don't subscribe to the "good"/"bad" thing so much. Certainly if she is coveting her neighbor (seems it was a problem even way back when since it is in the 10 Commandments) then she needs to figure out what is going on with her. It is one thing to notice that your neighbor is attractive and have a fleeting thought about him/her, and another to build up a fantasy life around that person.

The AP in our case allowed herself to have a crush on my husband for years, and had an active fantasy life about him, while promoting and maintaining a friendship with me and between our families. It made her a dangerous person and obviously a terrible friend. It also made her Opportunity when my husband hit a bad spot.

To vellocet:

notaslut, unless its just a major coincidence, I am assuming that MrNotASlut is your husband? If so, this is what he posted

You know full well Mr. is my BH you have posted to him many times about me so don't play games!! This is my M too!!! Did you want me to see how much he HATES cheaters?? and that I am one of them!! and that he should HATE me just as much as the others!!?? If so "thanks" that helps a lot!!

My BH has many questions regarding my A, mainly where my head was at and this post helped me to explain that to him. I have a VERY hard time opening up to him about my thoughts and feeling and my FEARS. So when I read this posting I made sure he read it.. If he sees it as BS that is his view..

I am doing my best to work thought this mess I created.

I may not be doing the best job but I am giving it 110%..

You know full well Mr. is my BH you have posted to him many times about me so don't play games!!

Then maybe you should check the timeline between when I posted asking if he was your H and the time I actually PM'd him. The PM's, you will find, are date stamped AFTER I posted this in here.

So no games. Pay attention to the dates.

This is my M too!!! Did you want me to see how much he HATES cheaters?? and that I am one of them!! and that he should HATE me just as much as the others!!?? If so "thanks" that helps a lot!!

Then perhaps you should be telling him that, because it is YOUR HUSBAND that has posted how much he hates cheaters here. I don't have to get him to see anything. Its clear the article, from his own post, wasn't exactly a ray of sunshine for him. He still has anger over what you did. So its up to you to help him with that.

Did I want him to see how much he hates cheaters? No, its clear that he already does.

The rest of your questions to me make no sense since I have said nothing to the effect.

What I'd like to know, as a fBS, is what difference does it make what your reasons were? Some will see it as justification, some will not.

Either way, by his own words in this thread, it obviously was a trigger.

[This message edited by vellocet at 1:26 PM, April 8th (Wednesday)]

So no games. Pay attention to the dates..

I have and you posted on his story on March 19th.. Who else would name themselves Mr.notaslut...

But back to what is important.. I understand that when a BS reads how a WW thinks is difficult to hear.. To a BS is more WW BULL SH!T, lies.. But, "RealityBlows" posting put into words what I was struggling to say or explain to my BH. I was not trying to trigger him.. I am not a sadistic B!TCH.. I LOVE him... I want my M..

What I'd like to know, as a fBS, is what difference does it make what your reasons were?

Prevention..

I am not excusing what I did rather I am trying to explain how I got to that point so I do not go there again.. My BH and I now realize we had a HUGE communication issue.. If I could have told my BH how I was feeling for months we could have had a better foundation.. So when the OM was working me I could have said something to my H rather than falling for the ego kibble..

This is POWERFUL stuff!! This was me!!

So now the stage is set. Then someone comes along loaded with flattery. Many times a skilled home wrecker who knows how to work the vulnerable "MILF" or "Cougar". It progresses from flattery, to flirting, texting, to sexting. It evolves insidiously, the highs get higher, the lows get lower, the excitement, the ego kibbles, the endorphans become an intoxicating drug-an addiction. These feelings are amplified 1000 times by the forbidden fruit nature of an affair. This forbidden fruit, this dangerous liaison, this high stakes surrealistic adventure, that exists in an exotic nether world, in the shadows, in romantic secret, creates an artificial high that eclipses the feelings they felt courting their beloved spouses. Some times this leads the wayward to believe that this must be true love, a love greater than that with their spouse. They begin to question their love for spouse, their marriage, their past life, their fate. They compartmentalize, rationalize ("I deserve this", "What he don't know wont hurt him") and they demonize the BS to squelch any internal conflict.

My greatest fear once the HB fog lifts and reality sinks in he will see what I did to him and bump my ass..