SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WIS, bumping to see how you are doing?

bumping again to see how you're doing, WIS???

Thank you Too_Trusting for checking in with me.

Not much has changed. He's still here, no sex, and he "dies inside" when we talk about all this. Some days are better than others.

I have a marriage therapist appt on Saturday, I don't expect it to fix anything, or even come close to fixing it. I'm just really needing a neutral 3rd party to knock some reality into him. I want to see him react to a professional and I also want to see what they say to both of us.

Assuming he will go, not sure of that. I'll go by myself if he refuses but the idea is to get him in front of someone other than me.

I'm also still waiting on the 2nd test on the biopsy tissue of his from the dermatologist, to see if it has HPV in it. They didn't test for HPV the first time because he didn't admit he had been seeing escorts, so the doctor just plain didn't know.

I feel lost today and I keep asking myself why - why did this happen - how could he do this to me??? I thought we had something really good, I thought he thought so too. This marriage was my LIFE. He was my life. I'm down today.

WIS,

Sorry to hear you are so down. Unfortunately, that is what happens when you have been dealt a severe kick in the stomach and heart. It makes me so angry when he makes this all about HIM. So what if he "dies inside" when you mention it? Aren't you dying inside every single day because of what he did???? That kind of self-centeredness is how he gave himself "permission" to cheat.

Glad that you saw a counselor yesterday, with or without him. How did that go?

Keep posting and let us know how you're doing. Sooner or later, your H is going to have to face his demons. Rugsweeping will NEVER work. In fact, it will destroy your marriage. He needs to GET that.

Huge hugs, WIS. And, check in when you can.

The therapy session went ok, he did actually GO. He was so nervous he could barely speak at first. It was just a "get to know us" session. No nitty gritty, just our backgrounds etc.

I guess that's the right approach to help him feel at ease first and for the therapist to get a feel for where we are coming from, and to encourage him to talk. I have a sense that he will maintain his innocence no matter what. I'm anxious to get to the issues at hand and see how he handles it in front of the therapist. I am completely aware that this could be a total waste of time, but I need to try it before completely giving up.

We have an appt every Saturday at 6:30 from here on out. Afterwards he acted so relieved like he was thinking "wow that was easy". Well... just wait.

WIS,

Glad you had the counseling session and that you have regular appointments going forward. It will be interesting to see how he reacts when the counselor holds his feet to the fire. I predict a total meltdown. He will engage that tactic to deflect the attention off of the real issue - his infidelity and sexual proclivities.

I'm sure he does think it wasn't so bad...YET. Honestly, he will either have to face his demons and be transparent, or you will have your answer - that he has serious issues and is either unwilling or incapable of honesty. If that is the case, then I think you know you deserve more than that.

Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

I asked my husband last night if I could examine his penis and he let me, though briefly and with a lot of "why are you doing this??" "the dermatologist already said it was nothing" and the best ones: "you are paranoid" and "this is a witch hunt".

The 2nd tests on the original biopsy did come back negative for hpv. HOWEVER, there is something WEIRD about this and I'm not satisfied.

The Timing. Why now?? Seriously - the first one he brought to my attention back in November (then he quickly realized the implications and made me stop looking, what a ding-a-ling) - 2 months after his first escort calls. Then the rest in the past several months. WHY NOW???

The Bumps. There are FOUR different types of bumps on the base of his penis. FOUR!!

- 10 or so tiny brown dots (one was removed for biopsy)like you took a brown Sharpie and dotted there

- 1 larger (1/8 to 1/4") brown cauliflower-type cluster (removed for biospy)

- several (maybe 5 or 6) slightly larger, irregularly shaped, slightly lighter color brown circles - these are new

- 2 flappy flesh colored growths - these are new

I KNOW what I have observed and I have an excellent photographic memory - he says I'm wrong. The weird thing is the tiny brown dots are GONE. Where did they go? I asked if he picked them off, he was evasive and just being argumentative.

The flappy ones are new. The one I saw in November was a flappy one, and in a different place.

Of course he got mad, nervous, argumentative, indignant, and anxious and says I'm super paranoid. I reminded him it's MY (and his) health and life, there is no such thing as too careful. He vehemently denies there is anything weird in that region, that HE knows his body better than I do, and blah blah blah.

He was so "anxious" all evening, he couldn't eat, and says I'm putting him through hell and it's a witch hunt. He agreed to go to another doctor to appease me. These doctors are pissing me off too. They have such a cavalier attitude.

Have you personally spoken with the doctors or are you getting second hand news from your WS (already a known liar)?

I've been going to ALL the doctor appointments WITH him because I don't trust him to tell me what they said. I have since called and talked to the dermatologist and I was totally honest, and they said these bumps don't just "come and go" and to come in for more biopsies.

have you googled pictures of skin tags? Some of what you have described sound like they could be skin tags.

I'm so sorry for your loss in who you thought your husband was. Your brain and body is in shock and will be for some time as more things may come out in the open.

You wouldn't believe the community there is on Instagram and AOL chatrooms for married or "str8" men looking for TS, TV, or CDs. It is a huge community & secret hook ups happen every day.

Alot of these men secretly crossdress too. Did you see the Bruce Jenner special a couple of weeks ago? It's on youtube if you want to see it.

Schedule an appt with an IC & divorce lawyer so you know what your options are in whatever you choose to do from here.

Well, the contents of his nightstand are still in bags in his car and he still leaves his wallet/keys/phone in the bathroom (like I can't access them there). We just act civil, quiet, do not discuss anything of any significance, watch tv then go to bed (no sex). Roommates who sleep in the same bed, and only sleep.

However, tomorrow night is the 2nd therapist appt and it will have to be more than just chit-chat, I'll make sure of that. I thought I'd open the dialog with something like "I don't know who you are anymore" and segue into talking about his lying. Then work that into a talk about the escorts. I need to hear his version of the WHY of all this - in front of the therapist, and I need to hear the therapist's reaction.

Of course my mental plan most likely won't be like reality. I always imagine a calm reasonable logical conversation with my H, and it never is like that. But that's the plan for Saturday's session.

If things do not go well Saturday -- I realize my hesitation to say this -- then we are going to start planning our split. It's not that I'm in denial. I'm fully aware of what he did and I'm devastated about it all and I look at him differently now, so very differently. I still am processing all this. I still wish he was the person I thought he was. I know he'll never be that person, because he never was that person.

It's so sad. Some days I'm strong and fine, and other days I'm in turmoil, hurt, still crying, still wondering why. I know the path this will take. I know I'm better off (way better) without him, than to be with someone I can't trust, who lies all the time big and little, and who is mentally ill. I deserve someone better. I deserve a trusting loving relationship. I also realize I'd be better off alone instead of with a liar/cheater. Being alone sounds ok right now.

If things do not go well Saturday -- I realize my hesitation to say this -- then we are going to start planning our split. It's not that I'm in denial. I'm fully aware of what he did and I'm devastated about it all and I look at him differently now, so very differently. I still am processing all this. I still wish he was the person I thought he was. I know he'll never be that person, because he never was that person.

It's so sad. Some days I'm strong and fine, and other days I'm in turmoil, hurt, still crying, still wondering why. I know the path this will take. I know I'm better off (way better) without him, than to be with someone I can't trust, who lies all the time big and little, and who is mentally ill. I deserve someone better. I deserve a trusting loving relationship. I also realize I'd be better off alone instead of with a liar/cheater. Being alone sounds ok right now.

Best to you, Shock.

It is indeed hard. You'll make it. You sound strong and intelligent.

Hi WIS, I just wanted to suggest maybe a do-it-yourself home biopsy with a rusty machete. I am feeling creative today. I am so sorry for your suffering. Take care.

E.

If things do not go well Saturday -- I realize my hesitation to say this -- then we are going to start planning our split. It's not that I'm in denial. I'm fully aware of what he did and I'm devastated about it all and I look at him differently now, so very differently. I still am processing all this. I still wish he was the person I thought he was. I know he'll never be that person, because he never was that person.

^^THIS^^ was the hardest part of infidelity for me to work through, so I completely understand your emotions about it. It is VERY hard to realize that the person we THOUGHT we married was just a mirage. I think the psychologists call it "cognitive dissonance".

I'm terribly sad for you that he is STILL hiding his things (drawer contents, phone, keys, etc). Unfortunately, that speaks volumes. As Dr. Phil says - "he who has nothing to hide, hides nothing".

I'm really glad you have the apointment with the counselor tonight, and that you have a plan to start the confrontation in front of the counselor. I predict he will have a complete meltdown when confronted, as he has done before. He is not willing or ready to confront his demons and be transparent. That is why he has the meltdown every time you try to talk about this and get to the TRUTH. His meltdowns are designed to deflect attention away from this secrets, and onto his mental instability so you will JUST. QUIT. ASKING. You know you can't build a stable marriage on secrets and lies.

Those lesions are too incredibly suspicious to have suddenly appeared 2 months after the calls to escorts, and just come and go. There are no coincidences - they must be related. You know that, and I'm sorry you continue to live in this crazy-making environment.

I know it's overwhelming to think about splitting up, starting over, and picking up the pieces of your life to build a new one. It was terrifying to me. But, the alternative was more terrifying. When I was going through my divorce, a friend told me this:

"It's better to live alone than to wish you did."

And, I found that to be true. Sure, it's hard to just work out the logistics of splitting up your life and possessions, finding a place to live, etc. But, I found it somewhat comforting when I WAS alone and could build my life FOR ME without wondering what he was doing and who he was doing it with. Took a long time to get to "contentment", but I got there and you will too (if it comes to that).

Please check in and let us know how the appointment goes.

Hugs hugs to you, womaninshock. Today will be hard, no matter how it turns out.

[This message edited by Too_Trusting at 9:13 AM, May 16th (Saturday)]

I hope you can gain some clarity today. I'm holding you in my thoughts. (((hugs)))

I read the first few posts on this thread a few weeks ago and just returned to it this morning. I am dumbfounded.

I've been reading threads on SI for several years. I am used to seeing stories about the WS lying. Setting up hidden email accounts, secret phones, clandestine trips with the AP, gifts for the AP, dating websites, and such things along a similar level.

There are usually denials, gaslighting, lots and lots of TT, going underground, and wayward fog thick enough to cause a 100 car pile up on the freeway. But this story is at a whole new, crazy level.

For him to have lied about a dead girlfriend, as well as a dead child? To continue those shams for years and years and years? To use those stories to manipulate you and play on your emotions? He has serious, serious, deep, mental problems. I don't know how to express my opinion other to say that his problems are incompatible with marriage. His problems make any kind of relationship, other than the most superficial, impossible.

He won't go. He refuses to go to therapy tonight. I wrote an outline of the things I wanted us to talk about tonight, it was calm, rational, intelligent, honest. I was really looking forward to making a dent in things tonight.

I called the therapist and he is going to call my H to see if he can convince him to go. I know he won't go. There is NO changing his mind.

I have such mixed feelings. Part of me is so disappointed, distraught, the other part saw this coming and isn't surprised. He's NOT NORMAL. A normal person would try - try - to see someone else's point of view and work to change if the relationship was REALLY important to them. I'm making appointments, reading a million articles online, learning, finding out, and what is HE doing??? Complaining that I'm torturing him.

We are doomed if he won't go. We are doomed anyway, I've been reading a lot about psychopaths/narcissists/sociopaths and they CANNOT CHANGE. No amount of talking, reasoning, or pro therapy will help them. It's hard-wired in their brain. You can't "reason" it out of them.

This is so sad. I thought he was a good person. Everyone thinks he's a good person. I love him! He has serious mental problems that can't be helped. I keep thinking I'm dealing with a normal person and I'm not. I'm so sad for him. I love him and I'm so sad for him. I want him to be happy but I can't make him happy.

I have to start looking out for myself. I know this. But I feel so sad for him. He'll never be happy. That is so sad. I'm so sad that this human being, my H, can't be helped. I'm starting to seriously believe this.

I can imagine him in the future telling people (who don't know me) that he is a widower, that I died tragically, or some such horrible lie. I can see his pattern of behavior continuing past me, and I can see it as me being one more person in his life that has "died" and he'll milk it for the sympathy that it will inevitably bring him.

I also believe he has had no significant relationships since his divorce in 1996. That's so sad too. But not my fault.

I know we are done. I know there is no helping this situation, no helping my H. It's frustrating and makes me feel so very down, I'm feeling so very distraught right now.

The one thing that gives me strength is the fact that I know I'm strong. I know myself in difficult times, I can change, I can get past this. I'm smart, and most importantly I'm willing to do what I need to do to get past this, to start living again. That's the up side to all this. I can be ME again! I can be free from this pain and difficulty and frustration.

HE WENT. At the last minute he decided to go to therapy. How was it? Well... the therapist looked really stressed out at the end of the session.

A few years back my H said his DeadChild's name was the same as his - a jr. and in therapy suddenly his name is something else. And a few weeks ago he denied there even was a child and that it was an allergy problem with his oldest son (very much alive).

I have a friend who is a therapist who is unfortunately out of the country but I've been chatting with her and she says he doesn't know the truth. That there is no truth to him. She thinks he's a psychopath. I don't get this.

I REALLY DON'T GET THIS!!!

How can you not know if you had a child that died... OR NOT???

My H has not been professionally evaluated or diagnosed so I realize my reading on Google or trying to diagnose him is not necessarily correct.

It was MAJOR that he went to therapy but I have my doubts about if it will do any good. He now says those session "kill him" too much and he doesn't want to go again. It's gonna be this way every week. He is going. At least for a few more sessions so I can get a feel for how it's going and if it's a waste of time.

I'm so weary.

My H kept going off topic, rambling about this and that, and the therapist kept bringing him back to topic. He's NOT admitting anything.

My question: Is he REALLY so far gone that he doesn't know what the truth is, or is this a huge act???

Sadly, it is a waste of time. He won't even admit to faking a dead child he was so invested in that he gave him the jr. title.

He won't admit to the creepy video he has of a dead fiancee, who wasn't really a fiancee but someone he went on 2 dates with.

He is controlling you and the entire situation by continuing to lie and refusing to go to counseling. Oh wait, he'll go at the last minute but you must know these sessions are killing him.

Killing him? WHAT ABOUT YOU?

And, lets not forget, this man has been seeking out TS escorts. Because that seems to be getting lost in the magnitude of lies.

See how he did that? He got you to focus on something that was not his infidelity. Now you are spun out on something else entirely.

If this were the situation I was in, I'd have to lay down the law: honesty or get the fuck out. I have an idea that he isn't going to be honest and will spin this into something else to focus on.