SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was just wondering, have you or your lawyers or her family done any kind of background check on this OM.

It is always best to know, to find out on your own and never believe what your wife is telling you.

Thank you for the brutal, but honest thoughts, WornDown. I agree with everything you said, but having a hard time letting go of the dream. I don't think she has any immediate plans of trying to come back. I was thinking more down the road, when the bound to fail affair falls apart and she gets scared. Under those conditions, I would ask for therapy, months to work on it, etc. But my guess is she would probably run into the arms of yet another man before she would come back to me; sadly, I think I am nothing more than a safety net at this point and don't see it ever changing without her undergoing a major mental and emotional shift in her life, which may never come. She's addicted to the feelings which come with infatuation or first romance, and I don't think she will ever get that from me again.

In my unique situation, the house won't even come into play. I am still living in it and making payments but it was technically included in a bankruptcy filing several years back, and thus has no liability attached. Also, the amount owed is far more than what it's currently worth. According to my attorney, it's a net zero asset and can go to whomever wants to continue making payments. WW has no interest in living here, I can assure you. One of our frequent arguments was how bad she hated this place, as it needs quite a bit of maintenance work.

Funny enough, she moved into a double wide trailer in a park and I guess prefers that. It's tiny, dingy, and they have almost nothing in it. Reminds of my 1st apartment back when I was in college. Maybe it's romantic right now, but I'm sure that will get old in a few months.

Oh, and some recent news: the OM just got a new job 2nd shift so they are going to have to step back from his biker club activities, as they all take place in evenings. That also means she will be alone most nights. She says she is happy about it, and thought it felt more like a job going to those things. I thought it sounded odd, because I assumed part of OM's appeal was a huge, built-in social circle. Who knows. I'm cutting off all personal contact which doesn't involve kids so probably won't be hearing about that type of stuff anymore. Think she's starting to take the hints, as she has quit texting personal info the last couple of days.

Anyway, I'm speaking with another attorney early next week so will see what I can find out and post back.

Hurtnalone,

My WW bailed for OM as well. She also took a huge step down in life as her OM is a truck driver. Currently she's out on the road with him because her dad kicked her out his house for this shit she's pulling. She bailed on her 2 teen sons with no aspirations of making any kind of stable environment to set planned visitation in the near future.

A truck driver (not that theres anything wrong with driving for a living, just making a point!). With 3 kids of his own from 3 different women. That's what she left me for.

Meanwhile, I provided a life for her that gave her financial stability, rebuilding her shitty credit, a new car (which she is behind on her payments now), a new house, and a hubby with a promising future in the IT biz. But this guy is who's going to make her happy out on the road in sleazy truck stop motels and a truck cab...

Like you, I was not perfect. I'm FAR from a bad husband, but I did lack a certain amount of emotional availability she wanted/needed. Was it ever going to be enough for her? No, I don't think so.

Your WW and mine sound like they could be kin! I like to think/hope the same things as you; that she'll figure it out. One morning she'll wake up and the light will come on in her mind and she'll say: "What the fuck am I doing???"

But we can't bet on that. We can hope, but that even brings it own pain for us. At this late in the game, it seems that every passing day theres less and less of a chance for them to see that what they're doing is wrong.

Accept that she's gone. In your mind bury the woman you knew and loved. Think of her as that she's passed. Its a morbid way of doing business but its the only way I can reconcile the two different versions of my wife without going crazy over it.

Maybe one day our WW's will come back ready to fix the wrongs, but for now, let's just move on after the passing of our former wives. Mourn the marriage that was but get faaaarrrr away from this person who would willingly do this to you and your kids.

Its hell for our kids. They're just as confused as we are. Hang in there, brother. I KNOW your pain. I wish I could bring a 12 pack over, kick them back and figure this shit out. But I'm here posting and reading posts whenever you need me!

ArmyGuy, thanks for all the great posts and support. Man, how I wish you lived close enough for a 12-pack. I've got a lot of friends who can sympathize with my situation, but nobody really "gets" it. If you're not living it, or haven't been through it, there's no way you understand the sheer torture, the constant ups and downs, the wondering where the hell everything went wrong, and who is this stranger that took over my WW's body?

Everyone on this forum has been awesome so far and it really is helping to read the feedback and hear other people's stories. I'm reading all the advice and following as much as I can at the moment. I'm planning on filing papers within the month, just trying to save the last few hundred I need for a retainer. Then the 6-month clock starts rolling and I just have to wait it out. I'm sure at some point, both our WWs are going to have some sort of 2nd thoughts, but if yours is anything like mine, she is severely screwed up right now. Even if my wife came running back tomorrow and said she wanted to make it work, I couldn't just pick up where we left off.

I talked to a friend today who said her brother went through the same thing, and took his wife back FIVE times before he finally filed for D. FIVE different times she pulled the same crap over 5 years and this guy and his poor kids suffered through it all. I WILL NOT be that guy. I guess we have to decide if our WWs are even possible of becoming the person we married again, and even if so, can we ever get over the betrayal? As the days go by, I question whether I could, even though right now I think that's what I want. I could get past a short fling or 1-night stand but when something goes on for months, and then happens repeatedly with different people, I'm not sure that damage can ever be fully repaired.

I think maybe years down the road, if I had been with someone else and didn't work out, and she happened to be single and had straightened out all her shit, the MAYBE. But really, once I get past this, would I really wanna open myself up to getting hurt like that again with someone with this kind of history? Probably not. It hurts to say it brother, but I think we really do have to say goodbye to those lives and move on. I'm gonna PM you my personal cell. Call or text any time.

HA

I'm sorry you and your boys are going through this.

And no you're not foolish you trusted you WW and this is her fault not yours.

It hurts to say it brother, but I think we really do have to say goodbye to those lives and move on.

I cannot begin to tell you how important it is to think like this.

Not only you but for your children's well being.

I have a good friend who tried to R numerous times with his WW. She left repeatedly to go back with the OM.

The drama ensued and he as well as his two young daughters got stressed out.

his youngest was peeing on the floor it got so bad.

He knew he had to file, D and move on.

If you can keep it amicable to settle on a fair settlement then strike while the iron is hot.

Once the D goes through treat her as a coparent and nothing more.

She does not deserve your friendship nor ounce of support.

She is just "Someone that you used to know".

Her choice not yours. Never forget it.

HM

You've been hit from the one place you never expected it, which is why you never saw it coming. Once you're able to look back, gain some perspective and reflect on things a bit, you'll see that there were some warning signs, but since you never thought it could happen to your relationship, you didn't pick up on them.

It's a pretty bitter pill to swallow, Hurt, but there's no sugar coating it unfortunately.

Our stories have a lot in common. Married 18 years, multiple kids (we have 3 teens), and a wife who walked away out of the blue. Feel free to have a look at my thread from when I first found this place. It helps to know that there are others going through (or have already gone through) very similar circumstances. It really does.

I'm only around 4-1/2 months removed from my own D-Day, but I can tell you I have zero regrets for how I handled my own situation (immediately filing for divorce). Your wife is in a major fog at the moment, as was mine. After doing some research on this, you'll see this could take months to years to come out of (if ever).

The sad truth is that when they walk away like this, they're pretty much done. They're looking for a new life. The other sad truth is that they just don't understand that wherever they go, that's where they are. The same issues will follow them around until they learn that running away is never the answer.

You've got to decide what's best for you and the kids. For myself, I didn't want to teach the kids that being a doormat and waiting around for Mommy to pull her head out of her ass was the best way to approach the situation. I thought, how would I want my kids to handle this? After that, the rest was easy.

I made rules for her on what was acceptable and what wasn't. They weren't unduly harsh or mean (though WS's will see them as such), but they had to be thrown out there. Boundaries have to be established. You can't allow your WS to have any control over this situation. That's not to say you're doing all the work. Not at all. It's merely saying that you're saying how that work is going to get done. You are, in effect, dictating. Having to put these stipulations on another adult who you've been with for years and love to death sucks. Unfortunately, it has to be done. NO ONE ON THESE FORUMS EVER NICES THEIR SPOUSES BACK.

I wanted to give her a chance to attempt to fix our marriage, but I wasn't going to let her f#ck her way through a fling while she figured things out (as if I was waiting for her to finish browsing in some store at the shopping mall). NO! Gird your loins, walk the hell out of that proverbial store, march your ass back out to your vehicle and drive home to your kids and your new life.

If she comes to her senses, runs after you and jumps in the car before you leave the lot, then great. Just know you've got a lot of sh#t to talk about once you get back home (i.e. a ton of hard work and effort to attempt to rebuild the relationship she just nuked).

If she decides to keep browsing, then she never planned on coming back home with you anyway.

Mine decided to keep browsing. Whether yours does as well remains to be seen, but you've got to prepare yourself for the harsh reality that she's never coming home.

Many will say that it's best that you take whatever time you need before making any kind of decision. They are correct. For myself, I wasn't going to let my WW and her new soul mate decide what was going to happen with the kids and I. I needed to take control, formulate a plan and get to work. It truly helped me through that difficult time.

If you're wondering how I am today, I still think about it daily. I cry little, though I still do every so often. That being said, staying in that soul-crushing limbo state, not knowing what to do or what was going to happen, was extremely difficult. I'm far better off for having handled it as I did. I have zero regrets.

The kids and I have already settled into a new "normal". They still get to see their mother. It's very important that they have a good relationship with her. None of this is about turning her into a villain. There should be no bad-mouthing of any kind. Whatever happens between your WW and yourself, she'll always be "Mom" and you'll always be "Dad". I won't say that raising kids separately doesn't come with a ton of challenges, because it most definitely does. What I will say is that in most cases it's necessary, but very doable.

Note: This doesn't mean ignore the OM's existence. Don't interpret this as having to talk and get to know them. I mean do your due diligence and dig as deeply into his past as you can to ensure your kids aren't going to be hanging out some Dahmer-like sex offender.

Don't allow fear of the unknown to make your decisions for you. Don't allow yourself to "ride bitch" on this particular venture. Find your self-respect, realize you deserve a whole lot better than this and begin moving on with your life.

I wish you the very best of luck, Hurt. It's undoubtedly one of the worst situations you'll ever have to deal with in your entire life. Just know that it does get better. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. The sooner you start moving, the quicker you'll reach it.

[This message edited by Cuckold at 8:35 AM, May 1st (Friday)]

I like where your head is at.

But my guess is she would probably run into the arms of yet another man before she would come back to me; sadly, I think I am nothing more than a safety net at this point and don't see it ever changing without her undergoing a major mental and emotional shift in her life, which may never come. She's addicted to the feelings which come with infatuation or first romance, and I don't think she will ever get that from me again.

This is exactly what will happen, unfortunately.

Which means you need to take this thought:

I was thinking more down the road, when the bound to fail affair falls apart and she gets scared. Under those conditions, I would ask for therapy, months to work on it, etc.

out back and beat it to death with an axe.

You're getting there -

Even if my wife came running back tomorrow and said she wanted to make it work, I couldn't just pick up where we left off.

I WILL NOT be that guy. I guess we have to decide if our WWs are even possible of becoming the person we married again, and even if so, can we ever get over the betrayal? As the days go by, I question whether I could, even though right now I think that's what I want. I could get past a short fling or 1-night stand but when something goes on for months, and then happens repeatedly with different people, I'm not sure that damage can ever be fully repaired.

And I tell you this because I'm THAT guy -->

I talked to a friend today who said her brother went through the same thing, and took his wife back FIVE times before he finally filed for D. FIVE different times she pulled the same crap over 5 years and this guy and his poor kids suffered through it all.

We're here for ya brother. This shit sucks, but we've been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and have the map.

(FYI - In the I Can Relate forums, there's a section that is Men Only. Come on over, and bring a beer.)

Jumped on real quick and will catch up completely soon brother, but did read some of what you put.

Someone probably already mentioned this but wanted to make sure. You posted about how now she wants kids more nights and taking the kids out. She is now showing her strategy and proving her intentions brother. Lawyer up and file. She is now gonna do what is right for her in front of the judge not you or the kids! She is gonna play the game and listen to the bad advice POS OM or whoever is gonna give her! I highly recommend NC. No more need to negotiate, she left the house? Do not let her take anything from the house and if she does or already did, document what she took. Details on that! Her leaving the house is a huge plus for you, again document everything! You need to file brother, she is now trying to get herself ready for that.

Stay strong

Thanks EEJJ. I have been documenting time time she spends with kids, starting this week. The good thing is that OM is now working nights so when kids are over, it is just WW and them, no OM. So far, only 3 of my 4 boys have gone for dinner, and they always come back after 3-4 hours. My 15-year-old autistic son has never even visited; he simply isn't interested in spending time away from home. If you know anything about autism, it's all about routine, and that takes him totally out of his comfort zone. My 8-year-old has spent the night twice, and it was torture for him both times trying to choose; the poor kid feels like he is choosing mom over dad. In both cases, I had to talk to him on the phone for 10 minutes before bed time to calm him down and reassure him it was OK. Tears my heart out.

I have already spoken to one attorney and am getting a 2nd opinion next week. Also saving up the retainer money, and one of my brothers is going to loan some to help with that, but it still takes time. I'm hoping to file within next 3-4 weeks. Everyone keeps saying lawyer up and file, but not sure how everyone does it so fast. I've asked around and I can't get an attorney to do anything without putting down at least couple grand on retainer. I don't just have that kind of extra money sitting around. Is there some trick that I don't know about?

WW has taken very little out of the house so far, but I am keeping track. Most of her crap is still here, including closets full of clothes and I will be bagging most of that up shortly and depositing it on her door step. I'm not a free storage facility. Been trying to play nice to this point so I don't send her off the deep end, at least until we get the papers filed.

To be honest, up until recently, I was still foolishly clinging to some pipe dream that we could make it through this shit storm. I no longer believe that, and am starting to get angry instead of sad about how she has treated me the past few months. All the advice here has really helped me see the light. I get mixed signals from family, a lot of whom keep saying they hope we can work it out, although that is mostly on her side. My family, in a nutshell, despises her right now. I love them all though and know they will be by my side no matter what happens, as everyone realizes she has went off the deep end, and wants me to be strong for my kids.

I have discontinued all contact except that about the kids, and that is all done via text. Took a few days for her to get the message but so far pretty much lights out past couple of days. If she starts pulling her random drop by crap again, I'll have to have a stern talk. I really don't want to see her at all; it just hurts and sets my progress back by days. I guess it's an improvement from a few weeks ago, when I felt like I needed to see her every day, even for a few minutes, just to make it through. So feel like I'm moving ahead, but very slowly. Will continue posting updates. Please keep the advice coming.

You're doing the right thing, brother. Just keep fighting the good fight! I look at what you just wrote and I see you doing all the same things I've done. Is that good or bad? Well, I guess our kids will be the judge of that later on down the line.

And I hear you on retainer fees! This shit is rediculous! I should've been a lawyer or IC therapist the kind of money they're making off of me!

Again, brother, I would love to tell you that our WW's will figure it out and do whatever it takes to atone for their bullshit, at least for the kids, but I don't see it happening either. They've sank to a pretty low level to try and come back from. That's a lot of pride and crow they have to swallow and I just don't see mine admitting that kind of wrong. I hope I am wrong, but I'm not betting on it.

My WW has seen her kids on these dates: Feb 13-16 and Mar 1-3. That's it since Feb 5. She does call them regularly, so that's good. It sounds like your WW is, at least, attempting physical contact without OM. Make sure that no overnight visits with OM in your separation agreement for however long you can. That is a thing and I encourage you to use it. Make their time with WW about THEM and now how much OM is a presence in her 'new life'. So far I'm thankful that my WW hasnt pushed OM on my kids (yet) and I pity the man when she does! As of right now they have nothing but contempt and hatred for this trucker fucker and I'm not gonna do anything to make them think otherwise! Hell, I encourage their spite of this clearly outstanding human being (he says with dubious amounts of sarcasm)!

Just know that in about an hour's time I'm popping the cap off of a tallboy and toasting you, good sir.

[This message edited by FormerArmyGuy at 2:57 PM, May 1st (Friday)]

One thing to remain cognizant of about the random visits. . . . . she still has every right to be in your home at the moment. You're probably just going to have to grit your teeth and bear it for the time being.

Also, until those papers are filed and terms are agreed upon, I'd play better than nice. If you're headed for divorce and know it, try to keep your head down and get her to agree on whatever points you can without costing yourself an arm and a leg in the process imo. The last thing you want is for this to turn ugly in the courts (as many of these do). Move fast and be fair.

Swallow as much of your pride as you can and keep your eyes on the "prize". Just my two cents. Also, if you're headed for D, I'd take a look over in that forum as well for more advice where that is concerned.

Thanks Cuckold and ArmyGuy. At this point, there is no doubt I'm filing for D. WW and I met one attorney together. He went through the numbers and it was such a shock to me that after we walked out I looked her straight in the face and said "Is this what you really want?" Without a moment hesitation, "Yes", and almost no emotion on her face.

That was a huge wake-up call for me. I realized at that moment that she has totally checked out of any romantic feelings for me, and probably did so months or even years ago, in spite of her award winning acting performance of continuing to have intimate relations regularly and appearing to enjoy it, right up until D-Day a few weeks ago.

I agree about playing nice and have been sticking with that tactic (yes, at this point it's a tactic) until papers filed. At first, it was a desperate attempt on my part to do anything to make WW happy, but now that she is comfortable and I'm starting to think more clearly, decided it makes the most sense to just stay the course. May as well play on whatever tiny amount of guilt WW is still holding onto to get me in a better financial position. Hopefully she goes for it and we can get through the process w/o tearing each other apart, but I'm also preparing for that outcome just in case.

ArmyGuy, you sound like my kind of people. No tall boys around me right now, but I'll be cracking open a 12oz Bud Light Plat in couple of hours in honor of your toast. Hitting dinner with some new friends at 7, then just me at home tonight, as WW has kids. Prob watch a movie, or do some more reading on here, while enjoying my cold one (or two). I tried to PM you but guess you need 50 posts before they activate that feature so can't do it yet. Soon as I can, will fire off a message. Stay strong brother, and thanks for all the advice.

Going thru this shit you'll hit your 50 posts, no problem. I hear on you on the WW checking out! Mine, the day before D-Day, was acting like NOTHING was any different than it has been. We joked, talked about her sick dad, the kids, what we were planning a few months down the road, and everything else we talked about since we were married.

Then, in just a matter of days, I was no one to her. Just some guy she happened to have kids and a life with.

I think about it and I don't think she was unhappy here with me, I just think she needed more than I can (or anyone can) give her. And when she got caught, it was easier for her to bail out and be with OM and get her ego stroked as opposed to having to work and earn those things back in our life.

But it is what it is. Its her problem now. I no longer cater to her needs or whims. I'm saving the last few $ to file myself. Enjoy your dinner, I'll check back around 9 PM (EST).

I realized at that moment that she has totally checked out of any romantic feelings for me, and probably did so months or even years ago, in spite of her award winning acting performance of continuing to have intimate relations regularly and appearing to enjoy it, right up until D-Day a few weeks ago.

It's a hell of an acting perfomance, isn't it? If she can do it, so can you. You can find motivation in that because you absolutely know now just how acting as if everything is fine didnt give you any reason to have your guard up before your Dday.

Now it's her turn to have her guard down and then get blind sided. Cuckold is right on how to "chill out" for the time being while you get your ducks in a row. In the mean time, hop on over the betrayed men thread, grab some more cold ones and post your thoughts. You'll get your 50 soon enough.

And when she got caught, it was easier for her to bail out and be with OM and get her ego stroked as opposed to having to work and earn those things back in our life.

I'll guarantee that this is the exact reason why many of them do this. That lack of emotion out of nowhere. The way their actions all seem so foreign, almost overnight, as if they were body-snatched.

These people are forced to detach themselves completely. To delude themselves into thinking they're doing the right thing through every form of rationalization and justification.

Not many people are great actors. My ex-wife was/is a terrible liar. The truth is that there probably wasn't all that much wrong with your relationship. You just weren't giving her the feelings of elation that come with new love.

Your WW might say she wants to divorce, but delivering it in that monotone, zombie-like way is also pretty telling imo (cause I just went through the exact same thing myself). These folks have this delusion that maybe love is meant to feel like this forever (ala Hollywood). That maybe they got it wrong with your relationship. Crazy right?

In all actuality, what's probably going to end up happening is she'll get months-to-years down the road with whats-his-nuts, then realize that she's in the same exact predicament with this chowder as well. What then? It's either on to the next pink cloud or double down and finally figure out what it takes to stay in a committed relationship for life.

I don't hate my ex. I don't wish her ill. These folks are all sick imo. My hope is that they don't go down the first road and keep chasing that cloud. That's no way to live.

Mine, the day before D-Day, was acting like NOTHING was any different than it has been.

Don't mean to T/J, but this caught my attention. It is indeed bizarre: I remember D-Day not only because it was D-Day, but because it followed a particularly beautiful night. My XW and I stayed up until 2:00 AM making love, telling each other how much we loved each other and the life we'd made with our children, discussing excitedly our future...

The first thing she did the next morning was drive to AP's house. (I tracked her on the phone because I was going to leave work early and surprise her with brunch after such a nice night. She was at least three months into her double-life.

These people can detach and compartmentalize to a pathological depth none of us can even grasp, IMO.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 5:26 PM, May 1st (Friday)]

Cuckold, you are a giant book of wisdom. Agree completely about why people do it, including my own WW. They are searching for that magic feeling again and think that something must be wrong because they don't feel it anymore. In my case, I have a confirmed A that lasted about a year, then current one which is only a couple months old. But I'm almost positive there was a 3rd around 3 years ago, which also lasted a year.

So she hops from one pink cloud to the next every time real life starts to creep in and the pixie dust goes away. Always seems to last around 12-18 months, and I expect no different this time. Question is, will she learn her lesson, or keep chasing the dream? I hope, for her own sake, that she eventually figures it out. Like you, I don't wish WW to suffer, but am afraid she's in store for a lot of hurt down the road until she somehow bottoms out. I'm not waiting around for the realization, and hope to be with a happy, sane person, well before, but I certainly don't want my kids' mother to be in misery. What can we do? Just pick up and move on; not our problems anymore.

what's probably going to end up happening is she'll get months-to-years down the road with whats-his-nuts, then realize that she's in the same exact predicament with this chowder as well

my threapist told my ww this exact thing, the elation of the new love would fade in time and ww would either leave realizing it or the AP would lose that loving feeling and dump her, then WW would go from short term relationship after short term relationship perhaps years later maturing enough to settle down with someone.

The best choice for a WS is staying with the BS, yet many cannot do this because they are:

1) in the fog and cant get out

2) hate recalling what they did to BS and need to run

3) just cannot do what is necessary to fix the relationship and just keep repeating their mistakes

joy...

The term for that "magic feeling" in a new raltionship is limerance, typically lasting 1 to 3 years.