SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been married for 18 years, most of it I thought happily, although there have been problems for the past couple of years. We have 4 children together, 2 of them autistic. I found out on March 7 of this year that my wife had been having an affair with one of our mutual friends for the past year. I only found out because he sent me a Facebook post. Didn't even have the courage to tell me face to face, and only did it because she had broken up with him the prior week.

I was shocked and confronted my wife immediately. She admitted to it, and when I asked how she expected us to save our marriage, she said she wasn't sure she wanted to save it and left. We decided to separate, and she was supposedly staying with a girlfriend. We talked on a regular basis and I had decided I wanted to try and salvage the marriage, in spite of what she had done, as I still love her deeply. She kept saying she needed time to decide and this went on for almost 4 torturous weeks, during which she got more distant than ever, often doing days with no communication.

On April 11, she said we needed to talk and revealed to me that she had been seeing yet another man during the past few weeks, that it had started out as friends, but that she now loved him and was moving in with him. I was devastated. I suspect that she knew all along where things were headed with this new lover, but kept me in limbo for weeks wondering about my future.

Since then, she has proceeded to move in with this guy, and wants to treat me like we are suddenly supposed to be best friends. This guy just finalized his own divorce last week, after 13 years of marriage, and get this: his wife had left him for his own brother. I actually met the guy because my wife wanted our kids to start spending time with her, and I refused until I met him. He broke down and cried in front of me, and he is a member of a motorcycle club! Seems to me like this guy is still an emotional train wreck.

It has been the worst few weeks of my life, and that includes losing my dad to suicide. None of my family or my wife's understands her. She has become a totally different person. Everyone is hoping we can patch things up, and to be honest, I have been holding onto a sliver of hope, but I'm starting to think I need to just move on and file for divorce. Is there any chance at all for saving a relationship when your partner moves in with another person and believes they are in love? Me and my kids are devastated and world is spinning. What do I do?

HurtnA-

I am so sorry. What a mess you have found yourself in. People here will tell you to make sure you are eating and staying hydrated -- try to sleep, and normalize life for the kids as much as you can. Also, try to avoid alcohol -- it will only make things worse and possibly dangerous. Your kids need you because their mom has gone 'round the bend.

You don't say how old you are, but your wife is in crisis. Whether she is salvagable at this point is hard to tell, but she can do a lot of damage (as you have seen) in a short amount of time. Some people say filing for divorce can sometimes pop people out of their self-destructive paths, some say do the 180 (read up on it in the Healing Library). But right now, you have to focus on you and your kids.

Affairs are like addictions -- they are about escape and validation. Your wife does not love these men - she is addicted to the good feelings she is getting by being courted by them. This new guy sounds like a mess.

You are going to need to get strong, and get some individual counseling. Sure, your wife may come around - many do. But, reconciliation is a tough road as well. You need two committed parties, and you don't have that right now. You need to treat your wife like someone who is basically mentally ill, because she kind of is. Protect yourself, and those kids. Reach out for help from family and friends if you can, without letting everyone know (for the kids' sake.) Don't let the kids go to boyfriend's house - that is just wrong.

Hang in there -- it will get better, no matter what happens. Keep reading and talking, there are a lot of really smart people here.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 2:37 PM, April 29th (Wednesday)]

HA, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I, like you, and most everyone here, is going or has gone through similarly devastating circumstances. You'll find this website to be critical at every stage going forward for you. Others will follow soon with good advice. Take it from someone who didn't take the advice here to heart right away: consider & follow what you read here closely. You may find it difficult to accept much less follow, but you're in the best hands available, and everyone here has your back.

Please keep posting. Things will get better. I promise.

Since then, she has proceeded to move in with this guy, and wants to treat me like we are suddenly supposed to be best friends.

Do not consider her a friend at all, she is your worst enemy as is the OM.

Close all joint accounts right now.

The OM could throw your wife under the bus, do not fall for any bullshit. She is not your friend in any sense of the word!!!

Call a lawyer right now. Your wife left and abandoned the family, and that is huge in some courts. She left her kids.

Check out this lawyers website for mens rights.

http://cordellcordell.com/

Even if they are not in your area, their website has a lot of info.

Do not fall for phony stories, phony tears or phony hugs.

Brother, I KNOW YOUR PAIN. Read my profile and you'll see. I would love to tell you that she'll pull her head out of her ass and see what she's done, but I can't. I won't. Because, truth is, I just don't know. Hope is dangerous word for men like us because it cuts like a razor every time we touch it.

There are no words I can give you to ease your pain. Just know that I stand shoulder to shoulder with you.

Now, what you need to do is protect yourself and talk to a lawyer. File for separation legally and remove yourself from her as she is. Go no contact. Text and email about everything until you can start being indifferent to her. If you HAVE TO TALK, then be very very brief. If you find yourself angry, tell her you gotta go. Do NOT be someone she can be angry with anymore. If you stop being someone she's angry with, she'll have to start looking within to justify what she's done.

File brother. :( I hate to tell you this because I still love my WW and want to hope she comes around as well. But the fact is the woman you loved and the woman I loved are gone for now. Think of your old wife as dead to reconcile the differences in her. Call this new person WW and don't have anything to do with her. If your old wife can resurface in the future, deal with her on that day. But, for now, she's dead. She's gone. And you have to move on now.

Take this time to figure out what makes YOU happy again. We give so much of our manhood up to be husbands and fathers that we forget what makes ourselves tick. Go running. Run fast and hard and until you fucking puke. It won't take away your anger or sadness, but you'll be too tired to do anything about it. Love yourself now, brother, because you're all you have now. Be the man YOU WANT TO BE.

Its going to be rough. There are going to be days it feels impossible to get through. Post here and post often. Unless you know someone who has been through this personally, then everyone you know will try to help and suck. Not because they don't care or want to help, but they just don't know the pain like someone who's been there. PM me, day or night.

I KNOW YOUR PAIN. It sucks. The worst kind of suck imaginable, but you're gonna get through this. Its a hard, shitty road, but one that you can reach the end of no matter how this turns out. Your pain now means that your love was real and be PROUD of that. Own that. Not your WW's affair.

((HurtnAlone))

I am so so sorry for the loss of your father. It is a very hard thing when you lose a family member to suicide, leaving such guilt and remorse and so many unanswered questions.

The timing of your wife's recent choices, could not have come any worse.

I am so sorry that you had 18 years of marriage go down the drain, all for some inconceivable person that your WS hardly knows?

I'd be very concerned what this OM intentions are, because you do have four children and that alone would be a lot for anyone to adjust to so suddenly. To move in with each other in just a few weeks. that is huge red flag to me. there are a lot of freaks out there,and I have heard of stories where sometimes pedophiles use manipulation of romance to get close to a person, only to have access to children.

You have found a good place here on SI to share and to get some needed support. Sending out healing hugs to you and your family.

Hurtn ALone

First off, im very sorry you are here but very much glad that you found us! You will get all the support you will need here brother! You will get told the things you need to do like Craig just posted, you will get told things that may make you upset and say "No not my wife" but believe me brother, what you get told is for your own good! Please keep posting and listen!

Im one that could copy and paste most of your story on my thread. There are many of us here. You are in the initial stages, the shock, the this cant be happening thoughts! We know, we are here for you!

What bionicgal and craig have said, I would 2nd. She is no longer your wife, she is now the enemy! It hurts to look at her and even think that, but thats the reality now! It sucks man, it really really does, but now more than ever you must become the ROCK!

You must must, take care of yourself. Eat, sleep, rest, drink water, and cry! Not letting yoruself get hungry and getting plenty of rest if possible is huge, and again brother cry! Its ok. You are now on a huge emotional rollercoaster ride that will take you a long time brother, so put it in your head that there is no need to rush anything and that theres no quick fix.

I definitely will look into and do everything Craig mentioned. Get a lawyer asap and protect yourself. You will tell yourself many times I cant believe im doing this, but keep doing it!! Protect you and protect the kids.

Imagine right now your family is sliding down the side of a mountain, and falling fast! You have now reached for a branch and are holding on! You have grabbed your kids and are holding on to this branch and as much as its gonna hurt and kill you, you must let your wife keep sliding down the mountain brother! Theres nothing you can do for her at this time! Let her slide, meanwhile we are here to help you start climbing back up, but it will take time brother!!

Keep posting and Id recommend jumping in the MENS thread in the I CAN RELATE forum as well brother.

Thank you everyone for the quick and thoughtful replies. I left out some important info in my 1st post so here goes. I'm 47 and WW is 42. Married for 18 years but known each other for 23, about 1/2 my life. When we met, she was the sweetest, shyest thing and I never believed she was even capable of doing this to me. She's always been about family, both hers and my own, and I can't remember how many times she threatened me that she considered even internet porn a form of cheating on her. Man, how much she has changed.

My 4 kids are all boys, ages 8, 10, 15, and 18. The 15-year-old is fully autistic, but high functioning and smart as a whip. My 10-year-old was just diagnosed with Asperber's Syndrome a few weeks ago, which is in the autistic spectrum, but not as severe. The other 2 are just normal kids, but I think they are hurting worse because they understand emotional things better.

I've already been on the emotional roller coaster for weeks and have dropped around 30 pounds since early March. My appetite is slowly returning but nothing like it was. Sleep is hit or miss, with most nights being lucky to catch 4-5 hours on and off. I did get an anti-depressant from my doctor, because I had some days I just couldn't get out of bed and didn't care about anything, including my kids.

The good news is that I have gotten back into the church for the first time in years and have been connecting with people there, including a support group for divorce, which has been very helpful. I am closer to my mother, brothers, and sister than I have been in years and we communicate daily. I am even growing closer to my WW's family, as they all support me and have no idea what is going on with her. I talk to them more than her at this point. Everyone believes I should have the kids, as my WW seems like she values herself above all else right now.

The thing that totally confuses me is how WW almost overnight seems to have transitioned into a mode where she wants to be good friends. It's like she forgot our entire history of marriage. I have already seen an attorney and discussed with her. At this point, she says she wants divorce. But she texts me daily, and not just about kids. Sometimes it's about the boyfriend or her plans. She still says "I love you" when we see each other and almost always gives me a hug. It's extremely confusing. Almost think it would be easier if she screamed and yelled she hated me. I have held off on filing, thinking maybe she would come to her senses, but starting to think I shouldn't wait. In my state, there is a mandatory 6-month waiting period from date you file until divorce is final when there are minor children involved.

I really don't know where things went wrong. I'm doing my best to stay strong for my boys and know they are hurting too. My poor 8-year-old has broken down into tears on multiple occasions when mom shows to pick him up because he's worried that he is choosing her over me. It tears my heart out. I really can't imagine Hell being any worse than what I am going through.

hurtnalone

Stop Waiting.

FIle tomorrow. Your wife is a WAW. Walk Away Wife.

And believe it or not families that have children with health issues; the divorce rate is actually pretty high.

Your wife has checked out. She just didn't tell you. She had two affairs going simultaneously.

And her infidelity just goes to show you that right now she is only thinking of her self.

Not you. Not the kids. Nor your marriage.

So secure your finances. Get the divorce papers served.

Then start treating her like the liar and cheater she has turned out to be.

Do not let her hug you.

Do not let her say "I love you".

By you letting her do this it reaffirms in her head that she has made the right choices.

That you are ok with the lies and the infidelity.

She needs to feel what life will be like without you in it. She needs to see you moving on without her in your life.

Serve her. Don't warn her.

Then show her what a good coparent looks like and acts like. All communication should only be about the kids or the divorce. Tell her this. Set new boundaries for your relationship with this crazy woman.

Show your boys how a man acts. Show your boys how a mature adult acts.

Now start showing your wayward wife the tough love she deserves.

Keep posting.

HM

[This message edited by happyman64 at 5:08 PM, April 29th (Wednesday)]

Your wife is acting the way she is in an attempt to validate that she is a good person. In her world, if you guys can remain friends and still confide in each other then what she is doing isn't bad.

Bullshit.

Stop taking her calls unless they are about the kids or finances. She doesn't get to call you just to talk. Remember, she fired you from the job of being her friend.

Stop letting her hug and kiss you. You aren't friends and you aren't lovers. Remember she fired you from that job.

File for divorce. Be the stable parent for your boys. Don't talk bad about her to the kids. Remember she is half of their DNA and they love her.

Close any joint checking. If you are paying for her phone, cancel it.

Do everything you can to protect you and the boys.

k9

She would never treat one of her friends this way. Wayward thinking.

I am so sorry you're going through this.

HurtAlone, you are already on the right track with getting your network of support established with church, family, and friends. If you work consider letting your boss know what's going on so that he/she can point you in the right direction for EAP support. You'de be surprised that others in the workplace can empathize as probably half of them have gone through similar situations.

Also, as strange as this sounds be comforted in the fact that your WW's wayward behavior isn't that unique. It's predictable and the fact that she sends you mixed signals with hugs and "I love you"s is an indication of cognitive dissonance. She knows/feels what she is doing is wrong and is simply seeking approval to make the underlying shame and guilt go away. Tell her no more hugs because it makes you uncomfortable. Do not respond to her "I love you." Cut her off and say you have tend to something when she talks about her boyfriend. Devote all of your resources and time to your kids. You are their rock through this storm. Dig deep within yourself and be the adult parent like the others have said. Find ways to be happy with the kids. Let her compare the happiness you eperoence and express with your kids to the daily misery that grows living with a broken man.

Now is the time to document her neglect of your kids and take advantage of her fog to draw up papers for full custody. If 6 months is required then that's plenty of time to go ahead and file, then see how things progress before D is final. Keep moving forward on getting your ducks in a row. The key thing here is to first remove you and your kids out if her circle of infidelity.

Sorry you're going through this, HA.

I suggest:

Start by telling yourself that, as much as this hurts, you can survive and thrive. In fact, from the tone of your posts, you're on your way. Life WILL get better.

Second, understand that your W went wrong, not you, not your M> Your W has gone into a dark place within herself, and nothing you did or didn't do could have prevented that.

I think it's valid to say that your W is mentally ill, although there are other ways of putting it.

Don't forget, however, that you're entitled to a good partner, not a crazy person. I'm sorry that she's crazy, but that means it's more important than normal for you to stay sane and act in the bet interests of you and your kids.

I suggest reading in the Healing Library, especially http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11. The 180 is for you to find your strengths and detach from a WS who isn't a candidate for R. It may be something you want to try out now or in the future. It's important to note that you're the target of the 180; it's not aimed at manipulating your W back into the M.

Keep posting when you have questions or concerns or need support. Keep reading here. Check out the Betrayed Menz thread in the ICR (I Can Relate) forum.

You can heal, bro, whether your W does or not.

during the past few weeks, that it had started out as friends, but that she now loved him and was moving in with him

She is lost in fantasy.....

Sorry you are here. I got custody of my 12 year old daughter. You can do this. It will be hard but you CAN do this. Focus on your sons. It will be the best thing you have ever done in the end.

Echoing k9's point. If she and you remain friends, well then, she's not that bad, right?

The trick in your sitch is how to go about letting her know you're not interested in such "friends".

In my sitch, I let her believe that for a time, until I got protected. It was easier for me that way, because she didn't perceive me as not being a fallback, plan B, a safe place to land...iow, I wasn't on her attack radar. I stayed small, unobtrusive, and let her cling to her hopes, until all was plain.

Suggest not *explaining* things of this nature to her. She's not in 2nd grade is she? I put up a front of possibilities to protect myself from consequences.

File, go no contact unless dealing with kids, lawyer up and you are right, what she us doing is bs. Like u want to hear about this on from her? Your Ww wife gas lost it. Run Ferris, run and Craig and happy man nailed this precisely

Do not let her hug you.

Do not let her say "I love you".

This ^^You need to stop this now.

I would just say "Don't touch me and then laugh and say "right when she say ILY.

Friends?? What kind of friend stabs you in the back.

You need to go dark on her. Kids and finances only to be discussed.

She tell's you about her bf

This is emotional abuse.

[This message edited by shiloe at 7:03 PM, April 29th (Wednesday)]

My H's AP did this - tried to normalize the crazy. Before I knew about the affair, she pushed for our families to do things together, kept me "company" when he was out of town -- all things that made her look like a good person while she was courting my husband in secret. It was like if she could keep up the good person persona, then she wasn't a scumbag.

Well, she was. And my H was, and he had to get real about that to be remorseful and heal. I am not sure she has -- all evidence points to her living in la la fantasy land. So, sometimes I don't get my own gender. But, I do know your WW is trying to normalize the situation, and you need to call bull-$hit on that. Don't tell the kids - they don't need to know.

The thing that totally confuses me is how WW almost overnight seems to have transitioned into a mode where she wants to be good friends. It's like she forgot our entire history of marriage. I have already seen an attorney and discussed with her. At this point, she says she wants divorce. But she texts me daily, and not just about kids. Sometimes it's about the boyfriend or her plans.

Your wife sounds mentally ill and it is impossible to say why. But one thing is certain, you did not cause this. You have to understand, that you did not causes this.

Next time she calls and starts talking about her new boyfriend or her plans, just hang up. Say good bye in her mid sentence and hang up.

DO NOT let her hurt you in this way. You just hang up. You are not interested in her plans and you show it by hanging up!!

It is great you are closer to her family now, they know something is terribly wrong. And now is the time to file for a divorce...do not give your wife the power of time.

Divorces can be stopped, but if she is planning to file on her own, I do believe it is far better if you file first. And you should file right now.