SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

out of lurking mode, which is never a good thing.

I left off here trying to start recovery, got lots of good advice. Decided not to go the var or monitor emails and such (it's good advice but just not me.) Instead I decided to rely on the 6th sense I developed after my 1st marriage, knowing I can always look into things when my senses flared.

Things had been going exceptionally well the last 6 weeks or so. Questions answered, therapy productive, reconnecting emotionally and sexually, even positive news on job and financial fronts.

There has been no phone hoarding, we've been going to bed together at the same time whenever possible, constant contact throughout the day every day. She even threw an amazing party for me for my 50th, must have taken weeks of planning and cost a ton of $ (musician, private chef, a dozen top shelf tequilas for a tasting). Really a throwback to our early days. Still, on advice I got here on SI I am aware we may be in false R and keeping my eyes open and expectations in check.

I know how easy it is to trip up and violate NC. I occasionally asked her if she was in contact even if I didn't suspect there was any. always got a convincing no for an answer.

Then last saturday my senses went off. I can't point to anything specific but you all know what I mean. I decided to look at likes on her recent instagram photos, wonder if OM was skulking around. Nothing. I looked at his and see a pic that I know is something she would like; I open the likes and sure enough, her name pops up. I confronted and got a story about how the pic just came up in her search feed and she must have accidentally liked it when she was waving it off. Anyone familiar w instagram knows this is possible, the service constantly populates your page w stuff based on prior likes and who you know and followers of people you know, Still I smelled a rat.

I started monitoring web traffic through my router with key words set to alert me. The very next morning I get a search alert, she is googling his name.

He lives in another state, so I know there has been no physical contact. I'm trying to be understanding, it's hard to NC and people stumble. you wouldn't be human if you could entirely forget about someone that had an emotional impact on your life and not be curious about them.

I call her and tell her I have been uneasy about things since the instagram incident. She assures me it was nothing. I get an alert, they are playing words with friends online as we speak. I ask her again, I would understand if you gave in to an urge, you just need to be honest with me if it happens, Again assurances there has been NC and after all she's done, all the $ spent on therapy and how happy she's been she would never risk it.

I called her out right there, bullshit, you're lying and playing games with him as we speak, we are done. Call the realtor the house is going on the market tomorrow.

I hang up.

she's calling and texting frantically, begging me not to hang up on her but I do.

I get a text, she is at my job, please come out and see her.

I do. She is an a state I have never seen before. utterly destroyed. It's horrible to see. She pleads with me to at least see our MC that night, she doesn't want to live if she can't be with me. I agree to see MC later. I have to get back inside to work, she goes home.

I am in doing invasive procedures for the next hour or so, I have no contact with the outside world. I return to my office to find horrifying text message from her. Clearly a suicide note. I call her as I'm running out the door, she is barely coherent, all I get is i'm going to sleep you don't have to worry about me anymore.

Call EMS and have them sent to my house.

(BTW, I have a biometric lock with combination bypass. Got it for the kids who kept losing their keys, never though it would be a life saver. I was able to give the lock combo over the phone so ems could get in. I'll never go back to a key-only lock again.)

At the hospital she says she took only 1 Xanax, had the whole bottle in her hand but at the last minute as she thought of her daughter she couldn't do it. Gets a psych eval, doc talks to her personal psychologist and we are released to go see her private psychologist, who is also our MC.

apt mostly deals with SA, but doc also tells me I blew her contact w OM way out of proportion. Yes she was waay wrong in initiating contact, but I need to get a grip as the OM poses no real threat. He is no match for me or the potential our relationship holds, He is a faceless phantom sitting 1500 miles away lying though his teeth. She tells me my position in this relationship is not as fragile as I think it is and I don't need to be so hyper vigilant. I also get lambasted for snooping.

I am so exhausted I can't formulate a coherent response, but I am disappointed in her comment. I know that the POSOM is not a threat, the problem is my WS and the way she could show what I can only describe as utter contempt for me and our relationship as she lies about what she's doing, AS SHE'S DOING IT, and making a fool out of me. Perhaps I can clarify things at the next apt (next wed).

Mc asks me why I think she is doing this, I tell her its an addiction, which is why I understand the compulsion to make contact. But again I say the contact is only 10% the issue, 90% is the lying.

MC asks me if I would walk away from her if it was drug addiction, I say no. She says this is no different. She is trying and getting help, I shouldn't turn my back now. MC says we actually have a very rare relationship, it would be stupid to end it because of this. Other couples she sees have relationships that pale in comparison to ours, yet they are working through even worse betrayals.

I know she is right, I'm just so hurt and exhausted I don't know if I can keep it together any more. If I was younger and hadn't been through this with my first marriage ( which was 1000x worse) I might be more positive. It sounds selfish but I feel I only have a dozen or so truly healthy years left, I don't want to spend 1/2 of them knee deep in shit only to find I've been duped again.

trying to live by the words in my sig, it's not easy.

To hell with the doctor who told you you were blowing this out of proportion. There are too many doctors who think they are experts on everything (sorry to docs like my DD who are humble and gracious). The threat isn't the OM it's your WW's lying and ongoing treachery. I think the doctor is wholly unqualified to be making such broad judgments. I am amazed at how poorly trained most therapists are in matter of infidelity, it doesn't surprise me that psychiatrists are as bad or worse about it.

So sorry to hear your story. I think relying on your senses and then following up with forensics is a good thing. Making a strong threat of divorce is your way of protecting yourself and she needs to woman up and accept it.

Ivan

Sorry brother. Your MC is a fucking moron. And if she was a drug addict at some point you WOULD leave her.

You are basically being told that as long as she goes to MC and pays this imbecile that you should tolerate her staying in contact with him.

I don't know the whole story EA or PA too, but the longer you let this go on it will never end.

You are not in R. She is still cheating and your MC can sugar coat it any way they want to.

There seems to be an epidemic here of WW that go the suicide route when they are caught again.

You need to get her medical help and then file for divorce and you can stop it anytime you want. Or you can continue on until she figures out another way to contact him.

Sorry for the harshness of this, but i dont buy the fog bull shit. i buy knocking them off the fucking fence

You need an new MC..the one you have is making things worse. WAY worse.

The suicide attempt sounds to me like she did it to manipulate you..and it worked. She sent a text indicating suicide..but actually only took one pill..I call bullshit on the whole thing.

She is an a state I have never seen before. utterly destroyed.

She got caught. She was lying to you, and in contact with OM. She was hoping if she put on a good display of remorse, you would back down. When that didn't happen, she changed tactics.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:19 AM, June 12th (Friday)]

confused beat me to the punch. Your WW is extremely manipulative with her "suicide" attempt.

It sounds selfish but I feel I only have a dozen or so truly healthy years left, I don't want to spend 1/2 of them knee deep in shit only to find I've been duped again.

Whilst I don't necessarily agree that you only have about a dozen healthy years left (unless you have some kind of health issue right now that is going to ramp up) if you don't want to deal with this shit, you don't have to. You aren't the bad guy. Infidelity is breaking the marriage contract. They (WS) broke it, you didn't. You have every right to move on with a clear conscience if that is what you want to do. (((ivan65)))

Not only is your WW manipulative, so is your MC. Sheesh!

Let me ask you this:

Would you at least seperate from her while she got help from the drug addiction if she was abusing you or your children?

You see her "addiction" to the A is hers but the abuse you endure - is yours. It's Unacceptable.

The OM may not be a "threat" to you but the A is a threat to your marriage. Unacceptable.

New counselor, pronto.

Her "suicide" attempt was to guilt you into sticking by her rather than her owning her lies and bullshit. She will not stop until you stop letting her manipulate and abuse you.

Yeah, NC might be "hard." Too bad, so sad. She's not being honest which means she's still betraying you on some level.

Good for you to follow your instincts. Sadly, contact may have never ended or only briefly.

Her "suicide attempt" was PURE manipulation to distract you from her continued lies. 100%

What consequences will she face for lying and breaking NC (if there ever was NC)?

In-house separation?

Post-nup?

More IC?

There have to be consequences for boundary violations. A month into R my WH told me a lie. Not as big as your WW's but a lie nonetheless. He spent that night in a crappy hotel because I couldn't even look at him.

LIES are the BEDROCK of affairs. That shit has to be stopped in its tracks!

Sorry, but I disagree with your counselor..

From what you wrote in your post, I think your counselor interjects too much of her own judgement in her advice ..

No bueno...

It isn't up to a counselor to tell a client how to behave in situations..

It is a counselor's job to listen, and present client with information, literature, feedback , tools to help client change behaviors or make decisions..

Fallout from drug addiction,lying, cheating has the potential to ruin lives..

You have every right to put physical, legal, emotional boundaries in place to protect you from being emotionally, financially abused or blindsided

Sure, this may create distance in the relationship..But it was your WW who made the mess, she needs to do the heavy lifting to show she can be trusted..That includes understanding that you have to protect yourself..

I agree with findingjoy.

There must be consequences.

Also just a thought, you seem to have your head screwed on, do you think shes trying to get your attention in a weird round about way? Do you think your reaction is slightly stoic and therefore she's trying to push until she gets a reaction she wants?

I mean she threw a massive party for you, but maybe she needs a gesture in return to aid her insecurities?

Hard to do when you've just been humiliated and embarrassed beyond belief by more nonsensical childlike behaviour.

It's clear that you still love her. Is that love stopping her from cheating?

Hi ivan65,

I am so sorry that this is happening to you.

I agree with the above posters.

This is very similar to what I went thru with (current) WH after Dday.

(I too had been cheated on in my first marriage, which ended it------so my 6th sense is very well developed.)

In current marriage, a few weeks after Dday, OW changed her phone #, & all of a sudden there were 20-30 texts/calls from WH to new #. All I had to do was call the new # & hear OW pick up & say hello for proof.

We sat in MC & I asked WH if he had had any contact with her , & IN FRONT OF MC, he lied & said "No, of course not."

That's when I pulled out the printed out phone bill & said "Then what's this?"

Yours situation is a classic example of cake eating (as was mine.)

She is still thinking "me me me" instead of "we".

Its time to stop being so nice.

Time for her to move out, & for you to go see a lawyer to start D proceedings.

You offered her a precious gift----the gift of R, & obviously she does not appreciate it.

I agree with others, that doc/MC seems to me to be really bad for you! She's manipulating you, and the doc is helping you by attacking you.

My advice is to go ahead with divorce, like you wanted before her little manipulation trick. Get a divorce, protect yourself and the kid(s) legally. If during the divorce proceedings and after the divorce she'll become remorseful, do the hard work on herself, remain NC with OM, will not be with other guys etc., then you can consider giving R with her another chance.

NOW IS THE BEST TIME FOR YOU to get a good outcome in the divorce proceedings, especially considering the custody results. Please, don't let this advantage slip away from you because of her manipulation.

Best wishes

I agree with confused615 about the manipulation to get attention. My cheating ass WH was having such anxiety from keeping his secret of infidelity that he got his doctor to admit him to inpatient rehab for alcohol. He adimently denied he had an issue every time I brought it up. DDay happened 4 days later when the married whore sent a text saying "so tell me about that amazing kiss in Myrtle beach? to him but she got me instead for the next 2 hours but didn't no it until I identified myself. He insists it was just some passionate kissing but when she thought she was texting him there for indications it was more. Not sure we should have done that, you rocked my world, no regrets...NONE, she is risking her marriage to continue to talk to him and she didn't want it to end that night. Really, just a kiss. She even got a burner phone so her husband wouldn't contact my WH again. Mighty nice of her.

After 18 months of MC the counselor starting getting inpatient with me that I wasn't getting over the infidelity, apparently i wasn't getting over it quick enough. We now have a new MC and she agreed with WH when he justified his cheating. He said he wasn't getting enough attention at home so when the skanky stripper and married whore showed him attention, it made him feel good, literally. So he played the game to see how far it would go. REALLY YOU ARE FUCKIN MARRIED!!!

You definately have to go with your feeling when it comes to your families well being and if something isn't sitting right you have to snoop for your own peace of mind. The trust has been broken. My husband sent/received 62 text messages from the married whore in 1 day, and he claims it was just a kiss. They met Friday nite at a bar and never saw her again because he he was leaving to come home Saturday. What could they possibly have to talk about? Still trying to get the content of those text message.

I guess I just don't understand how somebody can say they love you and cause you all this pain.

I absolutely agree with everyone else. You have been manipulated by your WW repeatedly and now the doctor and MC. You know what your limits are and you get to call the shots on your response. They were way out of line!

Your WW is still involved in an affair. Plain and simple. No flaky suicide attempt or explaining away her actions as addiction should try to rugsweep that. She is choosing to lie and seek emotional attention from someone else. There's no good way forward with her at this time. She is playing you.

You sound like you're close to being done, but being guilted by your MC into staying. That's not the role of an MC. You do what is right for you. How could your MC possibly know that better than you do?

It sounds selfish but I feel I only have a dozen or so truly healthy years left, I don't want to spend 1/2 of them knee deep in shit only to find I've been duped again.

This is most certainly NOT selfish. You have offered your WW your heart after she chewed it up and spit it out and then she does it again? Leaving after that is not selfish. It's smart. Initiating D at this time is a good idea.

Hugs.

Was this really a suicide attempt? Did she take one Xanax? Did she say it was a suicide attempt but then not actually? If so, what part was love of daughter vs. Manipulation?

I am ignorant of mental illness. Is your wife addicted to cheating and lying? What if you were "addicted" to something, like addicted to stabbing her in the knife of her back? Would everyone counsel her to be understanding of your "addiction," and tell her that the relationship is exemplary other than the blood flowing out of her back? I think not.

My take: HER DOCTOR wants you to make HER BETTER. THE MARRIAGE DOCTOR wants you to make THE MARRIAGE BETTER. You need a "doctor" to stand up for your benefit.

By the way, how long has she been playing games online? I understand that these types of games have a chat feature or private messages. Can you see if she was chatting? Do you think it was limited to this game or this medium? Burner phone? Library/cafe computers?

Thank you for all the responses.

I agree with everyone here, as does my IC.

I have some serious words for our MC at the next session. I am ready to leave, starting D proceedings.

I have one last hope that if her distress was legit, she has finally hit the rock bottom she needed to get her shit together.

I am taking a really hard line from this point on.

I don't think she is looking for big gesture in response for my party. Our relationship has been on the upswing, at least on the surface. This last week, though, she seemed unusually upbeat. Almost euphoric. I think that's one of the things that got my senses reeling. I have some experience with bipolar, though she has said she has been tested and says she is not (I would like a 2nd opinion on that.) It almost seemed like manic euphoria. People in that state do self destructive things. But what came fist, euphoria that led to contact, or contact that led to euphoria.

Either way it doesn't matter. I'm tired of excuses.

I don't have underlying health issues, I'm actually in great shape for 50. It's mental, I've been surrounded by sickness and death my whole life and I have some dangerous pastimes. I never expected to live this long, but I'll probably die skydiving at 95.

I really do love her more than anything, and what sucks is recently I've been reminded of why.

This site and it's members have been an amazing resource,I've been lurking here and reading everything theses past months (esp. unlovedandbroken and spaceghost) and for it am much stronger than I was when this all came down back in feb. I've lost some sleep, but really nothing like before.

I did write OM a letter today, haven't sent it. Really considering it, though. Gonna post it in the letter thread later.

As a side note, if you are D'ing, you don't need to tell her anything.

By the way, how long has she been playing games online? I understand that these types of games have a chat feature or private messages. Can you see if she was chatting? Do you think it was limited to this game or this medium? Burner phone? Library/cafe computers

Yes there are chats functions, no I don't know if they were, but Most likely. Can I find out? probably, but honestly not worth it to me. I'll never ferret it all out, there will always be more hidden shit. At this point the brazen lying is enough, no need to dig deeper as it won't effect my decisions. well, if the chat said "fuck off you POS, I hate you and love my H," then maybe, butSomehow I doubt that. Surely she would produce that of her own free will

So, while I agree that her reaction was wildly over reaction, and more then likely attention seeking - please do not gloss over the fact that she is very ill and needs serious attention.

I 100% disagree with your MC and I think that this person clearly does not have a salts worth as one. your WS has not even attempted to changed and was only blowing smoke up both of your asses to continue her shit with AP. I would change MC/IC immediately while your WS is seeking help for her issues.

***

Totally off topic, but how did you set up your router like that? Our internet is though ATT, and I have looked to see if there is a way to set something up, but I am tech noob....