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I am so sad for you. When i read the very first paragraph, I found myself confused. I had to read it a couple of times...

When I read your posts... A strange feeling came over me...I felt nothing.

She is not remorseful. She does not feel bad for hurting you. She feels bad for herself.

98 posts, over 6 years, and she's complaining?

Yeah, she is not coming back here, she is tired of hearing from everybody about how this is all her fault and she has to do the work to fix it. As if! You, you, you are the problem. Oh, but she just wants you to be happy. So sorry that you had to read that--in a note left on your car. She really is a piece of work.

I am so sorry to read this. I do not know why she would leave such a letter out on your car, where your children could potentially read it. So it would appear that she is done with the M. I am truly sorry. I don't know how to tell you to respond other than to get your affairs in order. I would be very cautions since she is already mentioning items. I.E. the boat, Best of luck.

I know you are in hell, but good riddance. This one is not worth the effort. I don't think I've seen a more clueless self absorbed person in my life as your soon to be ex problem.

ChangeMaker

That comment about the boat was a very thinly veiled threat.

My own D started with statements about how amicable she was, and went completely fucking Courtney Love shit show in a big hurry.

The boat that many have referred to used to be her dad's. She likely wouldn't use it if she kept it, and it would hurt the boys more than anything since they wouldn't be able to use it for fishing. I've read too many stories where waywards went all "Courtney Love shit show" to think that it couldn't happen to me. It would be so much better for all if it stayed amicable.

sorrowfulmate

I have nightmares of my wife leaving the same type of note, only its more along the lines of "I can't deal with what you have done to me."

I sometimes wonder if it would be a dream come true for her if she got a note like that from me.

hope4best74

us BS's we always hope for the best but expect the worst and for me I hate reading the worst.

Believe it or not, I still have a shred of hope left.

imalive

I also find utterly offensive that she resorted to a letter to "ask for a divorce" so to speak.

It was a shitty letter to find, but our communication sucks, so in a way it was good to get something out of her. She usually avoids the topic like the plague.

brkn_heartd

It sucks when the gift of R isn't accepted.

I doubt she sees my choice to attempt R as a gift. I feel like she thinks I should just suck it up and get over it.

Hurtbuthopeful35

She is not remorseful. She does not feel bad for hurting you. She feels bad for herself.

This is how I see it, as well. She really doesn't want to face the damage she has done or whatever is in her that made it possible. There was a glimmer of remorse a few weeks ago when she broke down and cried and told me how sorry she was. I got so excited because I'd never really seen that from her before. I guess I was a fool to think it was real.

CanoeVA

98 posts, over 6 years, and she's complaining?

She hates SI or the "almighty website" as she has called it. She also seems to disapprove of my going to IC. Why wouldn't she want me to try to help myself or get help thru counseling?

hopingforhappy

Yeah, she is not coming back here, she is tired of hearing from everybody about how this is all her fault and she has to do the work to fix it.

And that's probably why she hates SI. I wish she would come back here and take it seriously, but I sure as hell can't make her.

Melanee

I do not know why she would leave such a letter out on your car, where your children could potentially read it.

She gets home after working nights and I take the car to my work a half hour later, so that honestly wasn't a great risk.

Thanks to all who replied, including anyone I didn't directly respond to. It means a lot to me.

Just an update on how things went when I got home from work yesterday. We had a tense, though mostly unheated, discussion about R and the letter. She still seemed to be leaning toward D. I kept going on about her not doing the things I feel are important to heal. She started bringing up my faults and mistakes from our marriage. I, like most of us, am far from perfect. We all know that that is no excuse to cheat. I tried to steer the conversation back to the topic of cheating and it's effects on me to no avail.

The conversation fizzled out, and a while later she asked if I would watch a movie with her. I agreed, we watched the movie, she got pizza for all of us, and then she went to work.

She called me right after she got to work and told me that she really doesn't want to get divorced. I told her I'd also rather not, but WTF? I won't play the divorce version of chicken with her. If she wants it, so be it. She doesn't have to "ask me for a divorce". If she wants to stay, though, she will have to quit rugsweeping and take action. This is serious and I don't want to play games.

Just an update on how things went when I got home from work yesterday. We had a tense, though mostly unheated, discussion about R and the letter. She still seemed to be leaning toward D. I kept going on about her not doing the things I feel are important to heal. She started bringing up my faults and mistakes from our marriage. I, like most of us, am far from perfect. We all know that that is no excuse to cheat. I tried to steer the conversation back to the topic of cheating and it's effects on me to no avail.

UB,

Until we (waywards) pull our heads out of our asses, we keep trying to blame other things for our actions. Nothing you did in the marriage caused this. We all have faults, and make mistakes, but those are the surface excuses that waywards use in order to justify what we did.

The hard work comes when we accept that nothing made us do what we did. Its in that acceptance that we can start to work on ourselves, because we have finally run out of things to blame our problems on. Well... that is how I see it..

i always find it interesting that the wayward spouses who hate SI the most are the ones who just want to rugsweep the whole thing. I do personally not think it is good for both spouses here to be reading each others posts but some may disagree.

But those that are really desparetely wanting their spouses to heal want no stone unturned in order to help that

If i understand it right, she had THREE affairs plus a shitload of T to boot thrown in for good measure, and she hates SI?????? Youd be in better shape if she hated herself a little and her actions.

i guess you are just supposed to go with the program and hope that OM #4 does not come along.

I would tell her the next time she mentions the word divorce to have the papers for you to sign and skip the letter.

i always find it interesting that the wayward spouses who hate SI the most are the ones who just want to rugsweep the whole thing.

My fWW has been here. From a W's perspective, this place can be a pool of sharks. It can be vicious at times, with a "burn her!" mentality (apologies to Monty Python's "she weighs the same as a duck" scene). On the other hand, a truly remorseful W, who is really truly working on R and doing all the right things, if she really looks, can definitely find good posters and feedback. It is here, for sure. Yes, there's glass on the floor. W's come on in, but please be sure to wear shoes, okay? LOL. Some of this is perspective. Some of the W's feel awful, and don't need to be reminded how awful they should be feeling. Others, don't feel bad, and probably do need to figure out why they should feel bad, and come to understand how badly their BS is hurt.

Yet, in UB's case...gosh, UB. Y'all have been working on this for a (relatively)long time since DDays. We all have our own unique dynamics and paths to "get there". I'm sorry yours has been such a long walk and so bumpy. It DEFINITELY helps to have a remorseful wayward. It would be so hard to truly R with nothing more than rugsweeping. ugh.

Your wife sounds like she wants to cross the finish line (R), but isn't real comfortable with running the race itself. I wish I could think of things to suggest, other than Linda MacDonald's book "how to help your spouse heal" (since you've been here so long, surely that isn't new info to you).

Hang in there, UB. We're rooting for you. And 100 posts is nothin! (look at my count! LOL)

I said it in your other thread, but I will say it again. Your situation is the poster child for 180. Right now she's pulling your strings and manipulating the situation. You really need to stop focusing on her or even your marriage and focus on you for a while.

I think that letter was nothing more than manipulation.

It's been 6 years,,and she has done very little to R. Even the most basic things a WS needs to do if they want to R.

And you have put up with it.

She knows you're not going anywhere..you haven't yet. She knows you're not going to follow through with any consequences.

she broke down and cried and told me how sorry she was. I got so excited because I'd never really seen that from her before.

Six years and this is the first tearful apology?

Damn.

She has no intentions of doing anything else to repair the damage she has caused. She has made that crystal clear.

So another 6 years of this then?

There have been no consequences. She got to work and she thought, damn if I separated there goes my life. Easier to keep the status quo and keep on keeping on...

Unfortunately that's bad for you because you'll never get the thing you're looking for. Remorse, owning up for her shit, and working towards a full nurturing and loving marriage.

So another 6 years.

The one benefit of another six years of limbo is youngest will be of age and no child support or custody issues to settle in the divorce.

Other than that, what quality of life do you want? If you find your own company worth keeping, and have purposeful activities and can 180, perhaps limbo isn't a bad place. It really depends on how well you meet your own emotional needs and how you're wired.

edit to add a caution: it would be good for you to talk with an attorney - there are other gotchas on the limbo side that I realized after I posted this and since she reads your stuff, I'm not going to say out loud. You might do better to just declare that you're done with her rug sweeping and limbo crap. She either choose all in and take some emotional risks to clean up her mess instead of just give lip service and a few tears occasionally, or take it to over like she did with her letter. Stop the back and forth stuff.

[This message edited by k8la at 7:55 AM, June 26th (Friday)]