SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

...lovely letter from my WW which she left for me in the car.

utterly broken,

I haven't been on SI for a long time, but I happened to check out your postings today. The last time I looked you were at 98. I read your posts and the strangest feeling came over me. I felt nothing. Tonight while I was getting dressed before work you were looking at me. What were you thinking?

Since you can PM on SI, would you please ask them to cancel my account. I will not be going back on there, so you can feel free to write whatever makes you feel better without thinking about me viewing.

I am hoping our taxes will be done soon. When they are, I am planning to file for divorce. You aren't happy. You won't be happy until you aren't with me. I regret what I did to you, but I am unable to meet your demands so I can prove that I am sorry.

You stated in one of your recent posts about the "critical" point of our family circling the drain. That may be your perspective but I don't share your view. I think that our priorities are completely different. You can't focus on anything but SI. I was completely surprised that you actually went fishing with DS13. You don't think of our family as a unit. You don't think of us going on vacation. You are consumed by what I did to you. You are blinded by the betrayal. In your post about priorities, I found it fairly ironic since from the get go I wanted to be your priority. I never have been and I don't think you are capable of understanding how to be that person for me.

I don't want us to become ugly toward each other once the proceedings are started. You said that I maybe realized after you met with attorneys before our 20th anniversary. What I realized is that you can't get over what I did and I can accept that and move on.

I thought the comments from other SI folk were interesting about whether I work or if you take care of me. When you said you wonder why I have stayed with you this long, I can answer that it is because of the kids. I will miss you, but it's time for me to free you from me.

I will try my best to let emotions not cloud my perspective when we meet with a mediator, like the fact that the boat is technically mine. I don't want to be that kind of person. I don't want the kids to suffer. I just want you to be happy.

elgatoblanco

I was going to give commentary on the whole letter, but I will only comment on one thing. She said she is unable to meet my demands. Unwilling to meet my demands, namely MC and IC for her, is more accurate. Fuck infidelity.

UB

So sorry for you, compadre. I live in fear of this some days, that my WW doesn't want to put in the work to reconcile, that she doesn't get entirely what she put me through, that she doesn't want to meet my needs, make me feel safe, make me the priority I need her to as I will, and have, done for her.

That has to be a kick in the balls. I will avoid all cliches here

Just do what you have to do to get to tomorrow, and then the day after that. Convince yourself and believe that you are dealing from a position of strength now. In reading that letter, there is a possibility that she is back in the affair, or another one, and since she has had multiple affairs in the past....it may even be likely

Remember that it isnt you . It is all her. Even in her "apologies" in the letter she is putting it back on you

Fuck that.

Are you planning a response? How about packing her bag and leaving it at the door?

Consequences!

Stay strong, brother

(((utterly broken)))

You have put up with so much crap from her and to get this message in a note left in your car sucks.

The whole letter is focused on her, from start to finish and after I read your story, it appears not much has changed over time.

I hope this isn't mean of me to say but after reading her letter I can't help but think, though painful, it could very well be a blessing in disguise.

You deserve a shit ton more than she is willing to give you. I couldn't agree with you more, fuck infidelity.

Utterly Broken, I am so sorry!!!!!

I just posted this on your priority post:

In my humble opinion, your wife cannot begin to work on her issues much less reconciliation until she recognizes that her misplaced priorities are not in her best interest or the interest of her family.

The letter stated:

In your post about priorities, I found it fairly ironic since from the get go I wanted to be your priority. I never have been and I don't think you are capable of understanding how to be that person for me.

I say this gently but this is an illustration of how misplaced her priorities are. I thought this way. I thought the things my husband did when I was off with my friends every night and weekend (going out for a drink after work, posting in political chat rooms, watching TV)were because he was keeping busy with his own things while I ignored him. I had it completely wrong and allowed myself to ignore his pleas to reassess my priorities and put him first. This statement is blame shifting.

I hope the best for you and I hope that one day your WW will see that the most important relationships in this world are your relationships with God and family.

Bro-hugs, man!

Contact a lawyer ASAP. Go to a store and buy a VAR immediately. Start documenting the care for the kids. If she'll continue to be cooperative about the divorce, great. If not, you'll be ready for her evil schemes.

Keep talking to us, we're here for you!

Best wishes

Man, I'm sorry.

There isn't a hint of remorse in her letter to you. It is all about how you can't get over what she did; the reason you haven't gotten over it is that she hasn't done anything to make herself a safe partner for you. Rugsweeping doesn't cut it.

The letter is about you and your supposed shortcomings, nothing about her. It's eye opening.

I am so sorry ((utterly broken))) us BS's we always hope for the best but expect the worst and for me I hate reading the worst. Take care of yourself.

I have nightmares of my wife leaving the same type of note, only its more along the lines of "I can't deal with what you have done to me."

Please take Hobbs advice.

Awe, shit, brother. Sorry for this.

That's an awful lot about her in that letter though.

Take the advice about the VAR and the documenting everything thought. That comment about the boat was a very thinly veiled threat.

My own D started with statements about how amicable she was, and went completely fucking Courtney Love shit show in a big hurry.

Fuck infidelity is right.

This has got to be one of the most contrived things I've ever seen written because she is trying to make herself seem like she can't live up to your "demands" but then she slams you in the same sentence, all the while saying it's you.

This is 1000% percent on her.

Protect yourself.

She is unbelievable.

[This message edited by ReeseR1 at 3:20 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday)]

Yeah, I agree with others, I see no remorse in the letter, but plenty of hints that she's ready to play ugly (like saying you don't see the family as a unit, being surprised at you spending time with the kids, the boat comment etc.).

Best wishes

Jesus UB, please listen to Hobbes advice, especially the VAR.

BrokenBad

I live in fear of this some days, that my WW doesn't want to put in the work to reconcile, that she doesn't get entirely what she put me through, that she doesn't want to meet my needs, make me feel safe, make me the priority I need her to as I will, and have, done for her.

If your WW isn't doing what's needed, please don't be a patient chump like me and wait 6 years of your life for action. Why string me along for so long, keeping my hopes up? She should have told me years ago that IC and MC weren't going to happen.

Are you planning a response? How about packing her bag and leaving it at the door?

No plans for anything like that. I'd prefer that things stay civil, even if it's the end.

HenryIIX

I hope this isn't mean of me to say but after reading her letter I can't help but think, though painful, it could very well be a blessing in disguise.

Not mean at all. Limbo sucks, so a clear message is helpful. Would have preferred a clear message on the side of R, though.

Beck

She said...

I found it fairly ironic since from the get go I wanted to be your priority. I never have been and I don't think you are capable of understanding how to be that person for me.

She has always been my priority. Maybe I just haven't expressed it in a way that she notices. Many hobbies of mine; such as golfing, hunting and fishing; have become virtually extinct when she said it was taking me away from her too much. I've been willing to try, but lack of counseling and communication have led to where we are today.

HobbesTheTiger

Start documenting the care for the kids.

As far as childcare, she works nights and I work days. The kids are pretty easy for the most part. If it comes to divorce, I definitely want my youngest half the time, and I think WW would feel the same.

Rebreather

It is all about how you can't get over what she did; the reason you haven't gotten over it is that she hasn't done anything to make herself a safe partner for you. Rugsweeping doesn't cut it.

I really think I could "get over it" with a good effort on her part. The reality is that we need to get through it. We can't just jump over anything.

I'll reply to more comments when I get a chance. Thanks for the help.

UB

So sorry to read this. Unfortunately, her letter is all about her, HOW she feels, not what you or even as a couple feel. I also find utterly offensive that she resorted to a letter to "ask for a divorce" so to speak.

EGB has not really done anything in six, six! years. Telling, really.

Also, I am with the others, there are veiled threats in that letter...play nice or else. Do what you think is right, but do not get sucked in to "amicable" unless two way street.

I am so sorry you wasted six more years of your life on her. What a waste

I'm so sorry. But, you know what? Forget F infidelity. F her!

Why string me along for so long, keeping my hopes up?

My guess, the kids. Your youngest was only 7 when the shit hit the fan. He is now 13, almost a man, some would say. He certainly doesn't need all the care and attention a 7 year old does.

When I first found out about my WH's A, I actually sat down and figured out how many years I'd have to stay before our kids would be independent enough for me to leave. I figured a minimum of 6 years. That would make our oldest one 16 and our middle one 13. They would be old enough to help a lot more with the youngest, who would be almost 9. The only reason I stayed immediately after my DDays was the kids.

So sorry.

Had just posted on the "priorities" thread.

She sure isn't willing to do what is needed to be a family team.

This is not about you. She is making a choice for herself.

Strength.

I wish I had more to say then others have, but I'll just stick with, I am very sorry you are going through this.

I am so sorry for your pain. It sucks when the gift of R isn't accepted. Sending support to you.

I, too, have very little NEW to add, but say, my good wishes are going you way now that you've been let off the merry go round.

You will be better in the long run although it might be tough right now...

My best wishes and energy go your way.

Man, that letter is a bunch of bullshit. There's so much "me, me, me" in there. There's no recognition of your pain, or her responsibility for her part in it. It's just all your fault that she gave you a shitty situation and that it resulted in consequences for her instead of you rugsweeping and going back to the norm.

Fuck that.

I'm wishing you strength. You and your kids are the important things right now. Please keep your chin up for you and for them!