SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Other man is married, otherwise he wouldn't be using a hotel or your house, he would just use his own place.

Other man is married, otherwise he wouldn't be using a hotel or your house, he would just use his own place.

That is a great point!

I wonder if your wife works with this OM.

Time to do some PI work, mainly because you don't know if the affair is over. It is very common for affairs to continue after Dday.

If they work together, you will have options. But your wife has to come clean, and that is what total responsibility is all about.

She cannot say she wants to stay together, stop using social media without being 100% honest.

Find the phone numbers she has been calling and calling her.

Look throughout the house and her car for anything and any clues.

“The 2 things that bother me the most are the toothbrush comment and the blowjob. Things she'd never do for me. I just wonder why.”

Nidd

You will stay with her without blowjobs. She thought the OM would not.

“I asked her why she didn't want to spice things up with me and her response was: "I wanted to try something new after so many years of marriage and quite frankly, it wasn't worth it. I love you! I'd do anything for you to forgive me!"

Nidd

Ask her for some blowjobs. You like the OM will not stay without blowjobs.

Bullet points. This may sound a bit harsh, but I feel you need to keep reality and facts at the forefront of your thought process. The "I still love her" emotions you are feeling could cloud your better judgement.

Sex with another man, in your bed, blow job (not for you), jizz on her face, gets off on the thought of kissing you after said jizz episode (cuckhold), won't give you his name, protecting OM.

She has ZERO respect you. ZERO love for you. She may love her lifestyle, but not you. It was her idea to kiss you after the blowjob, not his. Does that sound like someone who loves you?

Even if you take her bullshit explanation at face value think about it.....what kind of woman gets moist in the panties at the thought of kissing her husband after having another man's cum in her mouth? Answer....a sick deranged woman. Who is scared do death of losing her lifestyle. She says she does not want to lose you, she is lying. She does not want to face the natural consequences of her actions.

She will never respect you, nor truly love you again (assuming she ever did).

My advice, file, run. Find someone decent.

You watched a video of her having sex with another man. She did this in your own home. She now wont tell you who he is.

Yep those are all dealbreakers for me. I would file and walk away. If you have kids I suggest you fight for full custody. Anyone that can do that should not be raising kids.

Your better off being alone than being with someone that will hurt you like that.

C

This

"I'd do anything for you to forgive me!"

is contradicted by this

She won't tell me who he is

So which is it, will she will do anything for you or not?

Ask her why didn't she tell you about it rather than cheat? Ask why be so deceitful and lying, is that who she is all about, a cheater and a liar?

Tell her from now on she will sleep in the other bedroom or in the couch. Detach. Tell her you are leaning toward divorce, if she can tell the truth and show she is committed to help you get over this, then you might re-consider, but as of now, you have seen nothing from her.

Starting immediately, she ends the affair, changes her phone number, deletes her facebook. Never sees the other guy again. Also never sees the girlfriend who she confided in again. You've seen some serious damage, and you've got to see some serious commitment to her in order to start moving on. If she is not willing to do those things, then how commitment could she be to you? Is the other man or her girlfriend more important to you?

In the meantime, call today and see an attorney. Start the divorce process rolling. You can stop the process if your wife commits. Don't tell her you are doing this.

Also, get a couple of voice-activated recorders. Put one in her car, you will be able to find the truth because she will talk openly to the other man and her girlfriend in the car. She won't go no contact immediately. Do that today if you can, before you confront.

Also, keep one on you at all time just in case she tries to falsely accuse of you of domestic violence. She has a girlfriend who is a bit of a cheerleader, other man is an unknown, and your wife is extremely angry and resentment about you. Be prepared that this could happen, she has a couple of others who will help her coach.

There's no guarantee your marriage will survive, but I assume you want that as an option. Cheating is a predictable behavior, and there are various behaviors, both who cheat and are cheated on, that can be fairly predicted. Based on numerous threads on this forum, you can look, the husband who takes a hard line, no holds barred, are the ones who have an option to stay married. The ones who negotiate and are understanding INITIALLY do not fare as well. There is a time for understanding and negotiating, but it is not now.

The cheaters are selfish and will continue to take advantage of you until you put your foot down. It will be easier if you just put your foot down immediately, rather than play cat and mouse. Go look at the wayward forum, many will say that they only quit cheating when the husband finally said he is ready to divorce.

This person is not your wife anymore. Her appearance is the same, her voice is the same, but an alien has taken over her being. Don't think that "I know her, she would never do this or that." She already has proven that she's not the same person she used to be. She changed. You may be able to stay married and happy, but it will be different, she will be different, and you will be different now, too.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 6:29 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)]

File for divorce. Don't be a schmuck like me and so many others. Just file now

I'll be frank, if she doesn't want to tell you who it is then she can give a rats ass about you.

She either is holding the door open for him or is protecting him. I'm banking on it being because she cares too much for him. Dollars to donuts if she tells you who it is that she'll warn her lover first.

*UPDATE* I have decided to divorce her and file for full custody of our child.It's gonna be hard but my child would definitely be better off without a mother like that.I found out who her lover is.It's not a coworker.As a matter of fact,it turned out to be some younger guy who apparently has a thing for older women and met my wife on Ashley Madison.I got a hold of my wife's laptop and read her private messages.After wading through them with disgust(there were some inappropriate pictures and a lot of humiliating remarks about me.In those messages my wife explains how bad she wants to be fucked and have a dick stuffed in her mouth as she hasn't had any in many years)I broke her laptop and started yelling at my wife.She said I quote:"I already told you,I only said those things to turn him on.I thought it would be naughty but I didn't mean any of that."

She's become a whore.I hate her!My decision is final and I wanna thank u all again for all

The support and all the advice!

I broke her laptop and started yelling at my wife.She said I quote:"I already told you,I only said those things to turn him on.I thought it would be naughty but I didn't mean any of that."

What she said could be very true. She was trying to be someone she never could be with you. That is somewhat indicative of someone with a past or childhood issue.

I have seen this before, she was abused as a child, never thought she could be that whore with you, but wanted to with other guys.

I have always wondered if that is true, but I have heard and read it enough on here.

But that is beside the point right now, your wife did these things and apparently signed into and paid for an AM account. Meaning the sex and the affair was all pre-meditated.

At the very least, she needs IC...therapy to get to the root of her sexual problems. Which is being a whore with other guys because she felt she could not be with you.

And yes, she has some mental issues, and I say that because of her oral sex and kissing comments. She just said all of that to turn him on...I do believe it is more than that and it is all on her. She is lying to herself as much as she is to you.

Did she tell you who this OM was or did you find out on your own??

You, if you feel like it, should tell this OMs wife what he has been up to. Let the shit hit the fan for your wife and the OM. The OMs wife has a right to know what you know.

At this point I don't care about the OM or his wife.I only cadre about getting this over with...and saving my family which now excludes that whore.She didn't tell me who he was.I just figured I'd grab her laptop and find out for myself.She was away for a while so I took advantage of the situation and found out the truth on my own.You know,I was willing to forgive her and start over until I found out she'd been having this affair for so many months now,furthermore,the exchanged pictures that I saw were disgusting..just...too graphic.As bad as this sounds,there were a lot of nudes and there were also pictures of my wife with his **** in her mouth and pictures of their body parts etc.In most pictures my wife was naked but in some she had MY clothes on.The one that caught my eye and nearly finished me off was of her wearing one of my shirts unbuttoned with an untied tie around the collar,the shirt was cum-stained.In those messages they were talking about their "best moments" and how they'd like to repeat them.In most messages that guy insisted that my wife did that stuff but that's not an excuse!There was a message that says:"You make me feel so much younger.I can't believe what you're doing to me!" Or something along these lines.There was even a picture where my wife was naked in our kitchen.There are a lot of messages.I can't even begin to find out how it all started.I don't even care any more.I just know

That's not the woman I married.I'm gonna tell her parents.I'm gonna tell her friends I'm gonna make her life miserable

Can we stop calling women whores? Geez. We don't sit around calling the wayward men whores. I don't think she has sex problems. She compartmentalized. Doesn't have to look at OM in the morning after asking him to do dirty things.

Be that as it may, I don't think you can un-see any of that. Go to an attorney. 180 the heck out of her, if nothing else to give yourself a mental break for a minute. You've been through the ringer.

I also think that OM may have thought your wife was a bit crazy and so just didn't want her to know where he lives so she can't come a stalking. Or he's married.

I'm sorry Nidd. The feelings are overwhelming. Truly if you take some steps to withdraw you will feel better. I divorced. Best decision of my life. It may or may not be right for you. I honestly couldn't live with having seen and heard that though. Deep down she wanted to hurt you, and hurt you bad. There is some deep set anger in there. I doubt she is willing to deal with that. That will fester.

After what you just found and have said Inhave no idea why anyone is suggesting IC for her . Why after his would you give a shit and want to spend a dime on therapy for her .

I hope you send all her modeling pictures to her family so she can explain her "naughtiness" to them

Forget the 180 nonsense . This is way past that . Do not say one word to her other than finances and kids. Get to your bank tomorrow, take 50% of the cash and opens accounts in your name only . And get to a lawyer.

You should listen to the advice and tell the OM wife or she is going to continue to bring him into the house when you are not there and you will wind up at the police station when you catch them.

And lastly I would call her friends husband, show him the pictures of your wife , and tell him that his was was a cheerleader for this event .

Wow man that is just about the worst thing I have heard. She diliberately wanted to hurt you and be cruel. As we said there sure was a lot more to her betrayal. She actively was seeking men to have sex with with the help of a web site. She intended to humiliate you for what ever reason. I am so very sorry. She is a very broken person.

You are doing the right thing get a way from this vile woman as fast as possible. Ask her to leave. Go see a lawyer.

Good luck.

Please find the OM's poor wife and tell her (or them if more than one) if you can. They need to know and so they can protect themselves.

You found out the stuff that most people here don't get a chance.

Most people here, the cheater already deleted the evidence, and the cheater gives the same line you did, but the same stuff happens a lot. Your situation is not out of the range.

She enjoyed the sex. Sex is 90% mental, and she was excited by the secrecy, she was excited by the fact that this guy desired her, desire is a big deal, and her being younger.

I had thought it may have been AM or Facebook because (1) he was wearing a cap in the video, something a younger guy does and (2) you saying he was younger and (3) her mentioning going on sabbatical, which she wouldn't need to if it was a co-worker, and (4) when you confronted, she immediately mentioned deleting social media.

The fact that she sought AM in my opinion makes it more difficult to reconcile, in my opinion makes her being further detached and ready to move on, and in my opinion more likely to go underground or just wait a while to find another player.

1. Did they talk about "love" each other?

2. What did she say about you to other man?

3. Did other man goad her into saying about you, or did she initiate it without him saying anything?

4. How long ago did this start?

Based on the toothbrush comment in the video, you said that your wife said that without the other man asking for it. That, to me, tells your wife that she is very, very angry about you, and/or extremely resentful about you. If she did stay with you, I would suspect she could easily cry about how sorry she is and then turn around and continue stabbing you in the back, because in her mind, she deserves it, and you deserve for being such a bad husband. Typically in this situation I've seen that the wife thought their husband was all of the problems in their life, and none of their unhappiness is any of their problems. They never consider how the husband is. Selfish, greedy, me, me, me. If that is the case, even before you discovered the infidelity, you should have seen that aspect of her selfishness; at the very least, you should be able to see it now in retrospect - if that is her type of cheater.

The fact that she sought AM, followed through, loved it, and had no indication of stopping, as matter the opposite, seemed she was getting even more into it (as an example, started a sabbatical so she could get more sex action), would tell you that when she immediately said how sorry she was, would show that it was a lie. Add that to the fact that she wouldn't tell the other man's name. Her saying she was sorry and it was ending very, very likely was just a lie.

Filing for divorce, full custody, that is what you should have done no matter as long as she was not showing you any ACTIONS.

You should continue the other actions. Tell the other man's wife, don't give her cruelly details, but give her enough that she knows it is true. Offer to give her some a little bit of evidence.

Tell wife what you want to about the divorce, I personally would stay silent and let her find out when served. Meantime, move her stuff into a separate bedroom, a basement, etc. Tell her to give you the handwritten no contact to the other man, also to the toxic friend. Very likely, the toxic friend also is in affair with AM, so let the toxic friend's husband what is going on, also.

What I am saying is to kill the affair anyway, even if you think you will divorce. You don't want this guy in your wife's life, even if she becomes an ex-wife, you don't want this guy being around your kids, deal with him, etc. So blow that affair up, too, even if you are divorcing.

Your wife went on a sabbatical, assuming she told you that in advance, what was the reason she had given?

Get the VAR to keep on you at all times. Forget about the VAR in her car. Forget about snooping her phone and email and computer any longer.

When will you able to see an attorney? What is the situation in the house right now?

OM does matter. If you want custody, you need to find out about OM. Given he likes older women, he is on AM and what you wife said and did to excite him more than likely means he has issues.

See what kind of background he has. The court will award a man custody if there is a danger to the kids.

In most cases it is the men that she will bring into the kids life.

Get an attorney that does Father's Rights.

I just readyour thread.

Before do anything ask hee to move out for a few weeks (or for good if you can), yoi need to come down and seeing her wont allow it. Get legal advice and do 180. Ask if you are in a non fault state.

Your kids need their mom, IMO there are no legal bases for ful custody. Your children do not need to suffer more that neccesary, D for hwr actions are enougth...

The only vengance you could do is expose OM yo his wife, nothing more as any oyher action out of rage may conproniae your children custody.

In a nut shell, get rid of her ASAP and search no revenge, protec your kids and forget about her. Best revenge is live well!!

IMO she was not protwcting OM she was protecting her self from what OM would confess... I beleive she didnt delete het AM profile afyer DDay for the memories she wants to keep (pic, text,etc)

OM doesnt turn on by olderwomen, turns on by cheating wifes that badmouth their Husbands and humilate them (your clotes, the brush thing, even the BJ you never get but OM did). The problem is that she had no problem humuliating you and probably turned on by it. Yiu really need to get rid of her ASAP.

Keep posting and venting

[This message edited by Mrhealed at 11:30 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)]