SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Nidd, are you journaling? Avoiding alcohol?

These two things can save your life right now. Don't think about drinking. It only makes you feel worse. And don't think about journaling, just do it. You need a safe outlet to say all the things you want to say to your wife. These two things are critical.

Please confirm you got this message.

Yes I got the message!Thank you so much!

I'm sti very confused.I'm at a crossroads.I want to forgive her so bad because I love her.There is no other way I can put it.At the same time,I don't think I could get over this even if she changed and never cheated again.I asked her why she didn't want to spice things up with me and her response was: "I wanted to try something new after soamy years of marriage and quite frankly,it wasn't worth it.I love you!I'd do anything for you to forgive me!"

She won't tell me who he is though...at times I feel like beating her to a pulp.I'm sad and angry.It's a mix of various emotions.

So basically she did it because she felt like it and you are supposed to believe now that she was caught she wants to stay married . What happens next time she wants to spice it up since it had to be someone new this time .

And get this one straight . She does not get to tell you she refuses to tell you anything you want to know . She needs to tell you who he is , and every fucking other thing there is. If not you need to tell her she needs to goive with him

I'm not sure what you can't understand about this with all the people trying to help you but you are NOT getting it at all

I'd do anything for you to forgive me!

This is not remorse... The one thing you ask of her "tell me who the OM is" she won't do? She sees how she has hurt you and destroyed her marriage and she is still trying to protect the OM?

Sorry, this is not a remorseful woman or one that you can trust with your heart.

Your love for her didn't stop her from cheating. Can you say that out loud?

And she can't say that she'd do anything for you and then not tell you his name. Do you want to be smiling in this guys face while he's laughing at you about banging your wife?

Damage control isn't about limiting your hurt. It's about limiting her shame. She won't take this seriously until the consequences start coming. You can always stop a divorce while it's happening....

And these feeling are normal. I've cried more times over this shit than anything else in my life combined.

Yes I got the message!Thank you so much!

I'm sti very confused.I'm at a crossroads.I want to forgive her so bad because I love her.There is no other way I can put it.At the same time,I don't think I could get over this even if she changed and never cheated again.I asked her why she didn't want to spice things up with me and her response was: "I wanted to try something new after soamy years of marriage and quite frankly,it wasn't worth it.I love you!I'd do anything for you to forgive me!"

She won't tell me who he is though...at times I feel like beating her to a pulp.I'm sad and angry.It's a mix of various emotions.

Mix of emotions- yes. We get that. Most of us have been there, done that.

What you need now is our help; help with action.

If your wayward wife (WW) is truly remorseful, she'll do anything to make you comfortable. That means the rules just changed. She's not in charge anymore, you are. You get whatever you want, and she can't say no.

That's just how this has to work.

Right now, download and put Linda MacDonald's book "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" into her hands. 90 pages. She needs to read it TODAY.

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/Mini-Books.html

Nidd. The sooner you act, the better. Delay does you no good. This is a cancer of sorts. An infection. You need to treat it NOW.

Action. Not words. Both of you.

Best luck. Keep posting.

Journaling helps with the emotions. More than you can ever imagine. Please believe me.

Well she aint sorry if she will not tell you who the OM is. She is protecting him at YOUR expense.

She is only sorry she got caught. She is still lying. There is no remorse only regret that you spoiled her fun.

Tell her you have 1 chance to come clean about the whole thing. OM's name address phone and email everything. Go ahead and get the suitcase and pack it for her. If she does not give full disclosure hand it to her and say adios.

See a lawyer and get divorce papers, take half of all your money and put it in an account in your name only.

Your lack of action will cause you more pain and in the end you will be broken as well.

I am neither pro reconciliation or pro divorce. I am only pro getting out of infidelity. Infidelity is the most painful thing one can suffer. I hate to see people allow themselves to be abused. It eats your soul and ruins your self worth.

NO ONE should allow themselves to be abused this way.

Everyone deserves to be treated with respect from their significent other.

If getting away from your abuser is the quickest way to stop your pain and abuse then cut them out of your life.

My fWW got it when I confronted her with proof of a physical affair she got it. She understood what she had done to me. I also told her straight up no more, no lies, no contact no nothing. If you want to be with someone else then go. If you want to stay married to me you must prove your self worthy of being my wife again. Well she did. Right then and there it was fish or cut bait. You need to act right now man up and quit the abuse.

[This message edited by 10yearsafter at 9:59 AM, July 15th (Wednesday)]

She won't tell me who he is because she thinks I will kill him(which I'm actually inclined to do right now).Guys,I really wanna thank you again for the overwhelming support.If you didn't comment I'd probably be on the verge of a mental breakdown right now so again-Thank you!

The 2 things that bother me the most are the toothbrush comment and the blowjob.Things she'd never do for me.I just wonder why.

Keep coming back whenever you need us. We've got your back, and (unfortunately) understand this shit all too well.

The "why" will elude you. It eludes a lot of us, still. There is no good answer to "why" that will leave you thinking, "Well. Okay, then. Now I feel better!" There is NO good "why".

Wondering "why" at your stage is perfectly normal. But again, I'll challenge you to re-channel your mental energy away from navel-gazing and wondering "why" and to concrete activity that is helpful and will get you through this very real TRAUMA.

Act.

Keep posting. There's a lot of great help & wisdom here. As notthevictim says, "unfortunately" we know exactly what it feels like, and want to help.

[This message edited by CanoeVA at 9:49 AM, July 15th (Wednesday)]

I want to forgive her so bad because I love her.There is no other way I can put it.At the same time,I don't think I could get over this even if she changed and never cheated again.

The two things aren't mutually exclusive, because they are in fact two separate things and so you can have (at least) four different outcomes. You can

1. Forgive - stay married

2. Forgive - divorce

3. Stay angry and hurt -stay married

4. Stay angry and hurt -divorce

Nidd,

Why would you want to kill him??? He is NOT your problem at all. He is just a guy who wanted to get laid, and guess what? Your wife accomodated him gleefully. So forget about him. And by the way, that is NOT the reason she will not tell you anything. She will not tell you anything because she wants her secret and wants the ability to go underground if she wants some more excitement.

Yoiu simply cannot believe anything shje says to you. There is no one qwho has posted to you that has not told you that.

Her right to privacy has disappeared and as the others have said the rjules have changed here and she gets to make none of the choices.

She won’t tell you?

OK – Go back to my post. The one where I tell you to simply ASSUME the affair is ongoing.

Follow it step-by-step.

If not then ARGUE with me about it. Question its sensibility. Tell me to bugger off if you think I’m way off. BUT DON’T DO NOTHING!

While she won’t tell you she isn’t ending infidelity.

Plain and simple.

Look – Let’s use a comparison: Imagine you got a call one day from the Sheriff’s office. Your wife was sleeping in the drunk-tank after being arrested for harassing an officer who stopped her for DUI.

You go bail her out. She’s all ashamed and sobbing and regrets everything.

When you talk to her it turns out she’s been hitting the bottle daily and going out with the girls every Friday.

So you ask her not to drink and she thinks that’s a swell idea.

She doesn’t drink for a month. Then she has a glass of white with dinner one Friday. Nothing bad happens.

So next Saturday she has a GT after lunch, another before dinner and then a glass of red with dinner. Nothing bad happens.

Next Wednesday the girls call and tell her how they miss her and if she’ll meet them at Joe’s Bar and Grill next Friday.

She goes but is fully committed to not drinking. She orders a glass of soda-water. Then she has ONE beer…. Just one… Just to hold… Then it’s another beer and a shot…

Before you know it she’s dancing on the tables and having the time of her life….

THAT’S where your wife is now. She is probably 100% committed to ending it. But if she doesn’t become transparent then YOU are DOOMED to her taking the affair underground and meeting with OM again.

Hear that? I’m not saying she’s likely, I am not giving you bad odds… I am telling you that you are 100% DOOMED and DESTINED to a new D-day.

THE ONLY WAY OUT is hard, though action. Expose the affair, know OM, let his wife know, let your WW know that you are willing to walk away from all this unless she totally commits to recovery on her OWN FREE WILL and not to save OM’s ass.

Did I mention odds?

Well… I am guessing my hard stance is the one that’s most likely to save your marriage. I put the odds at 19/20 that once exposed OM will dump your wife to save his marriage (and yes – he is married).

I say the odds are 20/20 that your WW will tell you exposure killed any chance you had of reconciliation.

I say the odds are 18/20 that two days later she will tell you finally that she will do what’s needed to reconcile.

All those odds beat the certainty of another d-day.

Nothing has changed from your original post here except some pretty words that are obvious lies and meaningless. She still is planning to cheat, just will take a short break until she can manipulate you into getting over it. She can always get messages through her confidante friend.

As for now, begin whatever you would plan yo do as if she just flat out told you she isn't ending the affair. Because THAT by keeping secrets is the TRUTH by her ACTIONS.

Words are cheap. She has to put up or shut up.

What has she told about how the affair started, when, where? What evidence can she provide? If she can't provide evidence, it ain't worth shit. And she can get you the evidence IF SHE WANTS TO.

Are you thinking that she is keeping him secret to help you? Nothing has been to help you, only herself. Look at the facts, not wishful thinking.

Give her your list, tell her you need this in order to even try to stay married, nothing more, nothing less, no promises, no ultimatums or threats:

1. Tell the whole truth of the affair, dates, times, why, how, NAMES.

2. She handwrite a no contact letter to other man then give it to you to review it and you send certified mail.

3. Another letter to confidant girlfriend, same deal.

4. She changes her phone number, changes her email, deletes all social media, keep all passwords and devices open to you.

Tell her she can do whatever she wants, she doesn't have to do this, you can't make her, this is just what you need to stay. She can do what she wants, and you can, too. You can't control her, only yourself, and you can decide what you need to heal over this and what is acceptable in your marriage and your life. You hope she can do the right thing and be honest and help you heal from the severe damage she has caused, but it's up to her, you can't make her.

In the meantime, a voice-activated recorder in her car probably gets you the truth in about a day or two.

In the meantime, a voice-activated recorder in her car probably gets you the truth in about a day or two.

The 2 things that bother me the most are the toothbrush comment and the blowjob.Things she'd never do for me.I just wonder why.

Ask her why she would never do that for you.

She wants to spice things up, then why not start at home with you.

A WS really hates logical questions, because it gets in the way of their lies.

You need to protect yourself at this time, watch your joint accounts and your home. Until she tells you who this OM is, there is danger.

You tell your wife, if she really wanted to stay married, she has to rebuild the trust completely, and that starts with total honesty. Which of course means telling you who the hell this OM is and how she met him.

Have her take a polygraph, because her wanting to spice things up...means this might not have been her first OM, her first affair in all of these years.

If you can, talk to this so-called friend of hers, see what she knows.

Do you have access and passwords to all of her electronics.

And by all means, control your temper. It is a shame that adultery is not a crime in most states. So no matter how pissed off you are, no matter you do, you will be the one in jail and then sued in civil court.

In order to get the entire truth - and I know this sounds idiotic - you have to make your wife feel safe in giving the truth. That means no threats of divorce, violence, or any other threats.

You can divorce later, but in order to get the entire truth, you need to be calm right now.

Keep your cool.

But you can also let your wife know, that by withholding the OMs identity, she is protecting HIM, which is hurting you. While protecting him, she is showing she does not give a damn about you.

You have to know the OM identity, otherwise, every guy you see at the store, in the next car, at the gas station, etc, will destroy you.

And if your wife gives a damn about you, she will tell you who the OM is and how she met him.

You must keep your cool. Do not drink alcohol and limit coffee and eat light meals.