SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I wanted to write something for the many new people visiting this site and registering profiles and posting for the first time.

I had a particularly horrific experience after learning about my Soon-To-Be-Ex Wayward Husband's (STBXWH) infidelity. I wont go into the incredibly awful details of what he did, but to give you a general idea, he started screwing women who were customers of our jointly-owned sporting goods business, where I also worked. It required a tremendous amount of deceit, deception, hiding, trickery and other awful behaviors besides you know, the actual sex. And he kept it up through over a year and a half of false R.

I was devastated. I wanted desperately to fix it. I tried so hard. I found SI and started to read and occasionally post but my downward spiral was already spinning and pulling me into a deep dark hole.

It turns out, he didn't want to fix our marriage. In fact, he really just wanted to drive me out of his life. Out of my marriage, out of my home, out of my job, out of my business investment, out of my community of friends and acquaintances, out out out.

He took everything I had, every physical manifestation of a successful life and shredded it, bit by bit, little by little, over a period of years. I watched it happen in slow motion, powerless to make anything different happen.

I became suicidal and extremely, profoundly, depressed. Every new discovery of his treachery sent me reeling, full of red hot rage and black despair. I threw things at his head. I broke dishes and windows, I screamed into the night, into the street. Nothing helped me or our marriage, nothing changed him.

Finally my doctor intervened. He basically ordered me to leave. He said if I didn't I would end up in jail for assault or worse, murder, or if not jail, the morgue from killing myself, or worse, the hospital from a failed suicide attempt. Jail, morgue or hospital. That's where I was headed. I was driven literally to the edge of insanity.

So, I left. I really had no choice. I couldn't believe it, but that was the sad fact. I had no choice, I had to leave.

My doctor filed a form with our state agency that stated I was temporarily disabled and unable to work. This got me a little bit of income so I could buy food and eat.

And then, away from him, I started to heal, slowly, in fits and starts, three steps forward, two back. I started to get a grip on my emotions. I started eating again. I got the right medication to control my depression. I found a great therapist. I learned how my thoughts were seriously disordered. SI and its amazing family of supportive souls made a huge difference in my sanity. I started learning how to enforce "No-Contact" (NC) with STBXWH.

I found a place to live after couch surfing with friends. I got a part time "job" volunteering and found that my emotional/mental functioning was still really poor. STBXWH filed for divorce. I blew up at my "landlord" room-renter and got kicked out of my housing. I begged my dad to lend me his RV for a while so I could have a place to sleep. I put my few belongings in storage and became quasi-homeless. I cashed in my retirement savings. I sold a few things for some gas money.

I tried hard to do my job, and did well enough that I was able to develop a tiny new inkling of self esteem. I kept going to therapy. I kept taking my medication.

It took TWO YEARS to regain most of my mental health. But you know what, I was healing.

I bounced around with new part time job, this time for pay. I got triggered badly by a new boss with behaviors so similar to STBXWH that I could barely see straight. I got fired for refusing to take his bullshit. My unemployment ran out. At one point I had $15.13 to my name and over $10,000 in debt, (not including the $35k in student loans). I filed for spousal support and got a little, thanks to a fair judge. I borrowed some money from a friend to help keep my car from being repossessed.

I found a few old friends still loved me. One of them recommended I apply for a part-time job that seemed like a good fit. I worked on my resume and put all my determination into getting hired.

I got the job! Suddenly, I had income. I had co-workers who were good people. My bosses were nice. Company BS was mild, and got better as time went on. An old friend started flirting with me. We started a little romance, a Friends-With-Benefits (FWB) relationship that helped me feel attractive and desirable, and helped me realize I had something positive to offer and that the divorce wasn't my fault.

I did my job well! I still struggled with depression and something I called "functional paralysis" where I would have days where any work at all was a struggle, but I kept up with my therapy, did my homework, and really tried hard to improve my mental health. One day, I realized I was actually happy! But I was still living in an RV, parked in a grungy driveway off a loud highway, and barely making ends meet.

After court one day when I told the judge I wanted half the stock in the business, STBXWH asked me "How much is it going to cost me to make you go away?"

I dealt with that. I didn't spin back into a black hole. I found my center, changed my thoughts, calmed myself, and went back to working on my own life.

Later, I found out he had gotten one of his Affair Partners (APs) pregnant and she'd had his baby. I dealt with that. I didn't spin back into a black hole. I found my center, changed my thoughts, calmed myself, and went back to working on my own life.

I worked my butt off in therapy. I started pushing my employers to establish a new position in the organization, and eventually got hired to that position, along with a raise. I doubled my income over night. Full-time baby! Top position in the organization!

And then I rented a house. I cleared out my storage unit. I gave the RV back to my dad. I bought a few things for me, and planted some flowers around the house.

A few months ago, I earned more in one month than I had ever earned in a 30 day period in my life. I had recovered my capacity for supporting myself, and then some. I was rebuilding my life. I was happy.

I saw him in court last week and continued my quest to get some sort of fair settlement out of the business. I came home and watered my plants and had a beer and said "Fuck That Guy". FTG. Just fuck him.

I am healed. I still have growth I want to do but I'm better than I ever was. I'm content. I deal with adversity. I am overcoming my weaknesses. I am working in a job I like, I have a few pleasures, and I wake up in the morning without a thought about what happened over 5 years ago.

I lost everything. I nearly lost my life. And yet I rebuilt myself and my life and I've found I can be happy and I have a future. At some point my divorce will go through and I will sever all ties with that asshole, but in the meantime, I am me, I am free, and I have survived infidelity.

[This message edited by heartbroken_kk at 5:17 AM, October 21st (Wednesday)]

Good for you. You are proof that infidelity can be survived in many ways and with a positive outcome. At five years out, you're doing great. At ten years, you'll be doing even better. Congratulations on taking care of you!

Wow thanks for sharing! Financially my story is a little bit like yours (he wanted me to loose everything) it seems they are very sick and envious of our success but we can rebuild and they don't.

I am sure that if you got yourself out of that deep, deep hole, you will succeed hugely in the future.

You know how to do it, you are stronger, smarter and less attached.

And he will treat this woman and the baby like he treated you and never will found out where his real issues are.

you are an amazing women as I have posted to a few friends on si that we all can make our life beautiful again the way we wanted those cheater have to live with it for a long time , best of luck to you big hug

[This message edited by tluu at 5:46 AM, August 22nd (Saturday)]

Wow!

Thanks for sharing your story, kk.

((( )))

This needs to be mandatory reading for every me BS.

k9

Ha! HKK.

I think you lost very little from your post.

In fact, I think you lost a douchebag lying, cheating boat anchor and 5 years of your life.

Yes time you cannot get back, but certainly time you have already started to makeup for.

Keep rocking your life. And keep loving yourself.

For you are surely worth it.

HM

In losing everything, you re-gained yourself. And shed a lot of useless biomass tentatively labeled as Human, Male. Way to persevere, sistah!

What a great post. Congratulations to you for pushing through. You are strong!

Wowowowowowow, kk!!! Thank you so much for sharing!

Every SI newbie should read your story. You are an incredible woman!

Thank you for that. Much love and warm thoughts on your continued healing

That is amazing story on your strength and will to not just survive, but live and be happy. And you did all that with pain of betrayal. I hope you are incredibly proud of yourself.

Thank you for sharing your amazing story of hope and not only surviving infidelity, but now thriving! I am beyond happy for you.

Good for you. Great attitude to have.

Wow. Just wow. Your post made me cry and smile. I'm so happy you came out the other side intact and better than ever. Keep taking care of yourself and thanks for sharing.

What an amazing story! Thank you so much for sharing. After being a SAHM for 13 years, I am really scared to go out in to the world and look for a job. Your story is very inspiring. You made it against all odds. Yes, you made it and you still have your dignity intact unlike your cheater Ex.

WOW - what a wonderful post. I just started crying like a little kid reading it. I'm only about 12 weeks out from finding out my WH was with over 300 people (Craigslist, backpage, massage joints, random affairs)...all while I traveled to make two companies very successful - and now I sit with everything on the fringes of total loss...then I read your post.

I just have to say 'thanks' from someone who is having the worst year of her life...I then I see there is hope.

This is a wonderfully hopeful story for so many of us who are just starting on the journey to recovery. I especially like that you identify yourself as better than you ever were. I think we can all find a way to improve ourselves and our lives in the face of the tragedy of infidelity. We can all find strengths in ourselves that we didn't know we had.

We can all do this. We WILL all do this!

Thank you for sharing your story!

Thank you all for the lovely feedback.

It's a funny thing how it all did work out. I truly hit the bottom of a giant huge black pit. The terror of being there was so overwhelming.

I think if there is one piece of wisdom I can share for those of you who are so soon after D-Day, it's that you are stronger than you think. Like so so so much stronger. I thought I was pretty tough but I was shredded so fast that I lost my self confidence and was really terrified of what was happening to me.

Fear is the mind killer. Are you afraid? After discovering your WS's infidelity are you imagining all the horrible things to follow? Are you afraid of having to raise your kids alone? Are you afraid of being destitute? Are you afraid of losing your housing? Are you afraid of your spouse?

The truth is that you might have to deal with some really really shitty stuff. You might lose a lot. And you will be OK.

I've been through trauma before. I had a serious accident 20 years ago that shattered my kneecap. It was a truly life-altering experience. It took years to recover. I'm still not the same. In fact, I haven't really recovered. I got about 80% better but I never got back to "normal."

Infidelity was a much more damaging trauma to me. I had horrible PTSD for at least 18 months after I finally was able to enforce NC. I still get triggered on occasion, but I deal with it.

But despite it being a worse trauma, I got through it, I healed, and I'm on a new trajectory in my life that I feel so confident about. I really am better, better than before. I've IMPROVED through this horrible process and I'm a better person. I'm more confident, more stable, more kind, and a million times more honest. I'm honest with myself and with everyone else.

If you are afraid of what is going to happen to you, just breathe, and take a moment to consider the possibility that this horrible thing is going to set you on a new path in life that will make your life so much better than you currently think it is. Maybe you think you have a good life. You know what? You can make it better. Losing a cheating WS is a huge improvement to living with one, I can tell you that.

Do not be afraid to end your relationship. Just don't. Choose whether to R or D on any other set of criteria besides what you fear.

I had no idea how my mental health had been damaged during my M, and then destroyed during false R. But now I do know. I wasn't healthy. That's one reason I fell so low. My marriage wasn't a good nurturing place for me. So much dysfunction that I never acknowledged ate away at me like acid. When I was finally forced out I was forced to go where I could get healthy, and make myself into the best person I can be.

When you start understanding the 180 you will come to realize how it fundamentally has ZERO to do with the wayward person in your life. The 180 is turning in the direction you need to be facing to heal. Focus on YOU. Focus on being the best support person for you that you can be. You will make it. You will survive this. You can thrive and find joy and come out the other side a whole, happy person.

OMG...my glasses have fogged up from crying (no joke). What an amazing story of survival! And you're back here to encourage and bring hope to others.

Girl, awesome lady, I truly love you for that post.

Thank you!