SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Divorce can be scary. Or it can be freeing.

I would be more scared about the idea of keeping someone in your life that could do this to you.

yeah... when your wife's lover threatens to kill you and you're following her in a car trying to see what she's up to, like you're in some kind of pulp fiction novel, it really makes you wonder if she's worth it.

i think you need to sit back and ask yourself if this is the life you want to live. There *are* nice women out there who act with kindness and dignity. Maybe you deserve one of them?

She took a long drive (I followed her) she was on her phone the whole time with her sister

upsidedown1

Put a voice activated recorder (VAR) under her car seat.

speaking of recovering messages I googled "standard evidence post" infidelity when I was "researching"

Thankfully no one came to kill me last night... Can't believe I'm typing that one. How quickly my life has gone to shit.

I did opt not to call the cops & file. If I'm being honest here, I also threatened him while on the phone, said something like; 'if I hear he even so much as looks at my wife, I'm coming down there to end him'. His was a much more direct threat, like, I'm coming to kill you, but w/e.

My WW, was pretty shocked I called them both. Think she was surprised I was able to track down the OBS, (it's ALL on the Internet). She Freaked out when she realized I had to call the lady at work, but told her I didn't do this, she did.

She took a long drive (I followed her) she was on her phone the whole time with her sister (I checked the phone), but as I'm driving around following her to see where she's going to go (she really did just drive around to clear her head / talk to sister) I'm just thinking; "wow, I've got some white trash guy whose been fucking my wife, calling me up to say he's going to kill me, bc I told his wife... And I'm following my wife like a crazy person " The whole thing felt very "jerry springer-ish" and I'm not sure I want to live like this.. It's crazy. And I don't want to live life in 'detective mode' forever either..

The counselor I saw is very "marriage friendly", and I wonder if that skews the advice he gave / will give me.

Anyway, very eventful day yesterday... Was gross to hear OM's voice on the phone... Felt bad when telling OBS (bad for her), but thank you all for the support on that front.

Leaning towards divorce again... Wondering if I've just been trying to avoid it to being scared of divorce / starting over. I don't think many couples would make it through all this (I'm sure some have)

Earlier, you had asked about recovering text messages (I think that was you) and I'm not sure anyone answered. I didn't use this one, but this board seems to swear by a downloadable program called "DrFone". Google it. You install it on you PC, plug your phone in. Do a back up, and the program retrieves deleted stuff from the phone's memory that has not already been over-written. I used a similar one called "Decipher Text Message" to good effect on my fWW's iPhone 5.

Your post above. Wow! Lots of action yesterday, upside down. You are doing great. I know you may not think so, but you are. If you threatened OM, too, I wouldn't go to the cops. Yeah, it must've been super creepy hearing his voice for the first time. I get that. SO sorry.

The advice to get a VAR (voice activated recorder) is a good one. There are a couple of brands this board swears by. I've seen stories here where a VAR saved a BS's ass from domestic violence fake charges, and by revealing to the BS info he didn't know before. Get 2. One for the car and one to carry.

Good luck. You're doing great. Hang in there.

Ok. Everyone keeps mentioning to put a VAR in the car. Where do I buy this? Best Buy? What kind / how much?

Where do I put it at in her car? Tape it under the driver seat or something?

Yes it was gross to hear his voice... And he sounded so OLD (10 yrs older than us)... Very gross exp.

And thanks for telling me that I'm doing well

Bc honestly, I feel like I'm losing it

Ok. Everyone keeps mentioning to put a VAR in the car. Where do I buy this? Best Buy? What kind / how much?

Where do I put it at in her car? Tape it under the driver seat or something?

I never used one myself, but have seen it literally save sanity here before. I think Hobbes may have recommended a specific brand *(or was it wk55hn?)

Google "voice activated recorders" and "best buy". I've heard of people recommending the Sony that goes from $50 to $100.

I've read recommendations to get the velcro stickers from walmart (or whatever) and to put it under the dashboard where it can't be seen, but not right next to a fan or speaker.

And thanks for telling me that I'm doing well

Bc honestly, I feel like I'm losing it

You are dpoing well, and you are going to nbe fine no matter what!

Good luck

Ok. Everyone keeps mentioning to put a VAR in the car. Where do I buy this? Best Buy? What kind / how much?

Where do I put it at in her car? Tape it under the driver seat or something?

Yes it was gross to hear his voice... And he sounded so OLD (10 yrs older than us)... Very gross exp.

read that standard evidence post thing that I had googled above

Upsidedown1...Just pumped the VAR post for you with the tech info. My prayers are with you & you are doing fine with some heavyweight posters from the site now giving you rock solid advice.

Thanks a lot gang, I appreciate it. I'm going to download the phone Dr app, to see if that is compatible on the iPhone 6.

And thanks Cajun, I read the VAR post, might look into doing that soon, seems risky though / easy to get caught if it falls out, I'll also have to constantly be getting it out to listen &/or change the batteries

Also meant to ask, are there any ways to easily check out phone numbers other than FB?

I can call them myself right, and if I hit *67 first they shouldn't add my #?

Want to make sure ALL the numbers on the phone bill checkout...

Longforgotten said this on page 2 of this thread. AWESOME !!!!! Agreed

"In my opinion you are being played. She stayed home from work, came in your room and the two of you had a good cry and talked about the good old days, and then you all of the sudden you are confused, you don't know what to do. You know why? She just manipulated the hell out of you. That is why you need to go to the Healing Library and read the 180 and start it now. You say, this is the woman I married, my best friend, the best thing that ever happened to me. She is not any of those things. She has become a complete different person. Would the woman you married exchange filthy pics with a man? Would she actively cheat? She has changed brother, and you need to get your mind wrapped around that, and fast, or you are going to get played. As long as she is lying and protecting the other man, then file that divorce. Talking about times past and crying has to stop. Those days and that marriage are gone. You have to deal with this new marriage to a woman you don't know. Sure she looks like your old wife, but she's not. Think about it brother, what should have happened was she comes into your room this morning and cries and tells you everything about the other man and the entire affair. Gives you all the details and is fine with you telling his wife if it will help save the marriage and help you heal. But that's not what happened. She is manipulating you, which makes everything she's doing even worse. Start the 180, distance yourself emotionally from her so you can make rational decisions. And no more cry parties, and no more talking with her about how great it used to be. Because it sure as hell ain't that great right now."

Mr healed and The Drifter also had excellent posts on page 2 as well

Upsidedown1,

On the phone lookup, just enter the number into Google. Most times it will come back with a name or location.

I had really good luck with Spydialer. It doesnt always give you a name, but the voicemail option almost always returns the callers greeting, with their name.

Fire

upsidedown1... i/we know what you are going through. Her world is also comming apart "the fog" of it all is wearing off.

I was just like you.. one minute "the mind movies" the hate, anger all of it then wanting to work things out and forgive and move forward.

You seem like an honorable person and think things through. I would like for you to consider this. Once that marriage was the most wonderful thing in the world... it brought you peace and comfort ..then it brings you to today... the person you loved more than anyone in the world is the person who has caused you the most pain imaginable. Sometimes we must lose things to regain it to make it better. I think it would be a wise decision to not make any decisions until you can think everything through without those powerful emotions.

I know it sounds impossible. I/we was/were there. I personaly waited and gave myself a time table that i would allow to work things out so that years from now i wouldn't have a "what if moment" i'm glad i waited... we have a better foundation and stronger love. Nothing will ever change what she did to me... how she betrayed me and hurt me but she is willing to spend the rest of her life to proving she made a mistake and that she only wants me. I gave myself 1 year to work on things (myself, us and what went wrong) it was difficult and filled with many ups and downs. I was fortunate that it has worked out. Only you can decide if taking this risk is worth it.

When i read all your post i feel your emotions your love for her and all the pain with confusion. No matter what you decide remember that you deserve respect. You are stronger than you know. Trust me if you decide to take that chance and work things out... your marriage will be stronger than anything. If people can stay together after events that happend to tear them up , you will be stronger together.

Stay strong , i guess i always belive in happy endings. It's up to you if that happy ending means being seperate or together. Either way you have that power. I'm not excusing your wife.. we all make mistakes and sometimes showing love means we get hurt and forgiveness isn't for them , it's for us.

My wife now sees my pain and felt it. She still can't believe that we are together now. She knows that because we are together doesn't mean i was a push over... i was strong enough to weather the storm and show who i really was.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this pain. Hard work and communication... finding the root of the problem and addressing it will free you.

Good luck and i hope you find peace with any decision you make.

[This message edited by patgagnon1 at 2:06 PM, January 21st (Thursday)]

Upsidedown, I am sorry to hear your story, and you're handling it like a champ.

You don't need a special program to retrieve deleted texts on an iphone. Just do a spotlight search (drag down from middle of the home screen) on OM's phone number. All the texts are still on there and will pop up

[This message edited by french123 at 6:21 PM, January 21st (Thursday)]

Well, that's that. She got upset when I was looking through her phone tonight, said she wanted to look through mine. She saw the email response re recovering deleted text msg's. She flipped out. I grabbed her phone & plugged into laptop, she FLIPPED. Started screaming, like crazy, I mean scary, been with her 10 years and never seen that kind of crazy from her. She beat down the door. Basically said give her the phone back or she's running to the neighbors to call the cops. Gave it back. Said she's leavin' I told her 'no shit get the fuck out now'. Helped her pack up her shit, load up the car. Done.

And I thought I had some huge difficult decision on my hands to make. Clearly, if she'd rather run away than risk me seeing what was on that phone, then I was a fool for thinking I could ever make things work with her. Man, how she changed. I don't even know her. 10 years... & you think you know someone... I don't feel like I knew the person that just stormed out of here at all.

Anyway, I guess no more flip flopping. I'll reach out to the attorney first thing in the AM, get the ball Rollin'. Thanks to all posters. Somewhat relieved, & I told her as much.

Sorry, brother.

It is a shock when the cheater inside shows itself on the outside.

Stay strong. Record all future interaction with her for your safety.

You are doing well.