SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Upsidedown, You are doing just fine. Strong decisive action and getting out of infidelity is key. OBS still need to know. Since you have some time on your hands today, read through Walloped's 2 threads. He is now in reconciliation with his wife. 79 pages over 4 months...Jam packed with solid info from some of the best members this site has to offer. Printing off some of the thread you like might help you stay focused. My prayers to your family for healing.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=566988 Part1

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=569234 Part 2

In case it hasn't already been mentioned, do not do anything that could possibly result in her becoming pregnant. Even with the aid of a turkey baster. If I was in your situation I wouldn't even take my pants off if she was in the same county.

Just joined this site though my D day was about a year ago. I have to say my husband was in an affair fog for months after I found out . The contact did not cease right away as I thought and they were together one more time . It took a long time for his brain to unravel from this addiction. I'm so glad I took the time to care for myself and let him do his own work in therapy. There is no reason to decide now. I think the goal in deciding quickly is to hurt them back. This time is so incredibly painful. I feel for what you are going through. You can always decide to stay or go after you give it more of a chance to unfold. I'm so glad that we have worked through it and continue to improve our marriage. Focus on caring for yourself .

BW 47

WH47

D day 1/23/15

Reconciled married 21 years

PA 4 month but EA for 2-3 years

well one thing that may help you decide if R is in the cards is to Expose this to OM's wife and see what the fallout brings.

and do not tell your wife you are doing it.

exposure is your friend.

since they still work together without exposure the affair can very easy start up again.

Betterthanbefore, thank you for your support. Thanks to the rest of you as well. She's made herself an appointment to see the councilor to discuss her past severe bulimia/ body image / FOO issues, she will see her tomorrow evening. (& I'm tracking that on the gps of course). I also got myself an appointment to talk to a counselor on Weds mid day. Today was a rough one

Cajun123, I want to check those out but I copy/paste those links into the browser and it just takes me to the forums page

For what's it is worth (and, honestly, it is not worth much) she probably isn't lying about the ED. While it is true that that is a super common minimization story, it is rarely used in the way your wife told her story.

The way it is typically used: "I know it looks like we had sex, but wait! We didn't! He couldn't get it up! So its all good. Please forgive me and lets forget all about this."

Saying they tried to have sex, couldn't, so she gave him a BJ, and that they later they did have sex sure as fuck wouldn't rate as "minimal" in my book. I'm guessing you feel the same. There was a thread in Wayward recently about this. It was clear from that thread two things are true: it is a very common lie told to minimize AND it really does happen.

Your wife clearly has a wretched relationship with the truth so I'm not sure if this helps much. Poly if you need/want to.

Strength to you.

ETA: Grammar.

[This message edited by chifrudo at 5:50 PM, January 18th (Monday)]

Hi. I recommend you start with a GOOD therapist=individual counsellor (IC). Here's a good thread on selecting one - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=544948 .

I would also urge you to talk to your therapist and ask him/her to be on the lookout for development signs of PTSD. In case of severe mind movies etc., EMDR therapy might help you a lot -> check out http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=571247 .

Have you perhaps started reading No more mr. nice guy, Toxic parents or Codependent no more? All are available online for free:)

Best wishes!

Cajun123, I want to check those out but I copy/paste those links into the browser and it just takes me to the forums page

Take out the "Part 1" at the end.

[This message edited by chifrudo at 2:30 PM, January 18th (Monday)]

Have you told the other BS yet, then you can see your wife a little clearer.

Actions not words.

Sorry Upsidedown. I should have left more space at the end of the link.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=566988

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=569234

Upside down

I think you are doing great . The flip flopping you are experiencing is what we call the emotional roller coaster.

See the attorney. Serve your W at work.

Leave it as a surprise. She needs to feel the shock value.

Divorces take months to complete. Your wife needs to feel consequences for her bad decisions.

Encourage her to get professional counseling. She needs it.

Encourage her to find her own place.

And tell the OM's wife. She needs to know what her crappy H has been up to with your W.

In a few months you and your wife will know what direction your marriage is heading towards.

Continue the consequences. Encourage your W to be honest.

HM

Upsidedown1

It's been only 11 days since you discovered the affair and I would like to offer you some things to think about:

Your wife immediate reaction was to lie about the affair and try to cover her tracks. She was in shock over the discovery and didn't make rational decisions. Her reaction is very common here on this forum and the results of R or D are mixed.

Your reaction to the affair is also pretty predictable and understandable. You are also in shock and angry to boot. Most posters here will recommend waiting until you know all the facts and your able to make rational and not totally emotional decision before deciding n R or D. Many have waited months.

You have seen some small changes in your wife and began to wonder if you were being too hasty (its not easy to throw a marriage away). If you do decide to take some time I would encourage you to testing your wife's attitude. First she must know that any lie, no matter how small, will result in immediate divorce and continued honesty will delay your decision. Have her prepare a timeline for you and use it to ask her questions about the affair. Tell the other mans wife. Have her show you the house where she had sex the third time. You get the idea. This is her one chance for possible redemption and your opportunity to judge her desire to do "whatever it takes".

Good luck to you. I do believe you're on the right path.

You're doing great. Hard 180. I know it's hard, but you're being strong.

Go work out. You said you used to be a gym rat. It will make you feel a lot better.

I used to think affairs were unforgivable too, until I realized how common they are. Up to 50% by some estimates. Higher among women, possibly. 10% of kids' biological fathers are not who the father think they are.

Reading a book called Sperm Wars helped a lot. After reading it, I realize that humans have had infidelity for a very long time, and that it is a very primal urge that is hard to resist for many people. I don't know that everyone would have an affair if given a chance and given the right AP, but I have come to believe that many or most would.

Another rough day. But here's my update. She's finishing up her first IC session as we speak, I'm waiting outside to pick her up. Met my mother today for lunch. I had called them about a week ago, when I first discovered the phone records (realized they'd been meeting up while I was out of town) so when I talked to them, had of course told them we were getting D. They supported that. At lunch w/ mother today mentioned that I'm not sure anymore (I expected her to hate my WW), she said that whichever way I go, they will support. Made me feel somewhat better.

Had been telling my wife she will have to show me this house where the meetings took place. At first she was refusing. I stressed how important it is & that if she's "willing to do w/e it takes" as she says, that this is part of it. She agreed to do it.

& before work this AM as we talked, I was asking her a few Q's / details. She CLEARLY did not want to talk about it, but sat down on the bed next to me and answered my questions.

I think the biggest mistake I see here is those who rush to R.

She need to earn the R. You need to have value in her eyes.

Do not go to MC until she and you have been in IC for a while.

Work on you. Work on being a better person. Deal from strength rather than weakness.

When will this emotional rollercoaster end?!

Now that the initial shock has started to wear off, all I do is visualize her with him... Or her at work snapping lewd pics to send to him... Or her at work looking at raunchy meme's and thinking of him... & it just makes me feel like D is my only option, then maybe 15 mins later I feel like that's too rash, & I need to wait it out and see if she earns a 2nd chance... And it just keeps going back and forth like that.

Seeing my therapist to start IC today.

Really thinking about sending the OBS a FB msg today telling her everything. My WW claims she is following through on the no contact, so if that's true & I expose, she shouldn't even know.

I've got the OM's (I can't even stand to call him a "man", he's married with kids & goes around fucking other women = scum to me), but anyway I've got his number too... Part of me wants to text him back his own dick pick right after I've told his wife...

(I took pictures of most of it off of her phone, just incase OBS doesnt believe me)

Sending you strength! Best wishes!

P.S.: I urge you to tell the OBS immediately!

It's tough....the mind movies are unfortunately part of the processing. Some other members may tell you of methods that they used to help them subside, but in the meantime, these mental images are normal.

She CLEARLY did not want to talk about it, but sat down on the bed next to me and answered my questions.

I doubt that any wayward wanted to talk about their indiscretions. Not very comfortable to do. But they key is WHY she is reluctant---is it because it is painful to you....or is it painful for her?

Remorse vs. regret....

You are doing well. Please tell the OBS soon. Your wife's flip flop confessions make me think she and OM put together a "planned" confession and she keeps deviating from that story to the truth and back. Don't warn your WW you are going to tell OBS just do it.

Don't do/say anything to OM prior or during this. Tell OBS and give OM no warning. While sending him the Dick shot might sound fun it could back fire. Many BS have given some warning to the OM/WW prior only to have the whole truth blow-up on them. The OBS is warned by OM that a Crazy person is spreading rumors that they had an Affair...or something along those lines.

I think it will be very telling to see how your WW reacts after OM is exposed. Will she find out on her own? How she finds out...