SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm not sure where to start. I love my husband. Aside from our son, I love him more then anyone in this world. He was the other half of my heart and soul.

We had a friend, that over the past 6 years had become closer then family to us. We have been emotionally supporting her through a bad divorce with her husband and we supported her 100%. We included her in our daily lives and tired to make sure that she would not be alone. Although she was obliviously closer to my husband, she always swore that she was just as much my friend;and truthfully I was closer to her then either of my sisters. She had dinner with us almost every night of the week and we spent all the holidays together. I was actually jealous of all the time they would spend together when they were teaching and planning their classes. And part of me thought, "what if they are having an affair!?" And then I thought I was a terrible person for not trusting them. On Christmas eve we had dinner and afterwards I remembered I forgot to get something at the store. We were supposed to have a bunch of family over the next day so I thought I would just run to the store to pick it up. When I got there I could see it was closed and turned around and drove back home; a short 2-3 min drive. When I opened the door I didn't see them. I heard my son playing in his room and i thought that maybe they were trying to wrap the giant over sized gift we got him. So I walked through the kitchen and opened the door to the garage and saw my husband with his pants down and her hands grabbing his a** while sucking on his ^^^^. The first words that came out were expletives, and both of them turned around like terrified children and just started saying "sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry" over and over again. I yelled and cried and almost literally passed out from heartbreak. I've never felt pain like that in my life. Like someone had their hands in my chest and was ripping apart my heart and soul. I can still feel it as I write this. We had already planned to take my so on a trip for new years so we went. And getting away from the scene of the crime and immersing in just being a family was actually a great help. And we even got new wedding bands (his idea). But when we got back I was constantly haunted by ALL the questions. I am a person who's imaginations is usually 1000 time worst then the truth, so I just had to know. And although hearing it hurts, it also makes me feel better. It had started at the end of October. She was very upset about the divorce and the fact that her 17 year old son didn't want to spend time with her. And she basically threw her self at him for comfort. And although I blame her more for this betrayal, I do blame him for being weak and giving in to her.

It has been 3 weeks now. Last night I found out that they had sex way less then i had thought. It was a relief. It was a relief to know that it wasn't going on for as long as I thought, that they had not had sex as much as I thought. I was a relief to know that he didn't lover her. He has been totally honest in answering all of my questions. And he says he is sorry every time.

To be honest I just wish I could forget it all. I want to move on. I want to feel close and intimate with my husband again. I want to stop picturing them together and only see he and I together. But I am so afraid. I am afraid of getting my heart broken again. I want to move on with our new promise to each other. I forgive him, but I am afraid that if I tell him he might think cheating wasn't that hard for me to get over. And it still hurts. I know reconciliation is possible, but when will it really happen?

Thanks for listening.

Welcome to SI, Sara.

I'm so very sorry you're going through this.

First:

He has been totally honest in answering all of my questions.

This is probably not true. At all. Cheaters only admits to what they think you already know. They diminish the truth.

It sound like he wants to rugsweep the whole thing and you are willing to let him, because you just want your life back.

The whole new wedding band thing? Bullshit. No. That just pisses me off. He cheats on you with your friend and then a week after you catch him getting oral in YOUR kitchen he's buying new wedding rings?

No. Just no. That is a wayward trying to do damage control.

Please head to the healing library in the yellow box in the upper left hand corner. Start reading. Implement the 180.

He needs to get STD testing and you need to cut this "friend" out of your life. There needs to be total and complete NC between him and OW.

Focus on yourself and your son right now. Eat. Drink water. Sleep.

It is FAR to early to decide if you want to R with this man. You most likely don't even have the truth and he certainly isn't showing the appropriate remorse needed for R.

Keep posting. We are here to help.

Is this woman gone from your lives?

Oh, Sara. I am so, so incredibly sorry. I walked in on my H and the OW, too. It was awful. I was traumatic and caused so much pain and mental anguish.

I understand you want this to be over and your old life back, i get that. Gently, the worst thing you can do right now is rugsweep everything.

SHE is not the one to be upset with, HE is. Why was it ok in his mind to do this? Until HE does the work to figure it out, your marriage is in trouble.

Please read the items in the Healing Library - the articles, the recommendations for books and the link to FAQ - BS.

You have several things you need to do for YOU and for your son right now:

1. Make an appointment with your Dr. Gently, you need a full work up for STDs. Please dont put this off. Many, many who have gone before you have been exposed to some bad stuff. Cheaters rarely think to use condoms. Also, tell your Dr, exactly what happened. Walking in on something like this can cause PTSD. You may need ADs to get through it. There is special EMDR therapy that can also be helpful in this situtation.

2. Right now, you feel like you have the whole story. Cheaters lie. Liars cheat. They almost never reveal everything this early. Prepare yourself that you may learn more. Almost all of us here were given TT (Trickle Truth). It sux and is so very painful. Make an appointment with a professional, Independent Counselor to help you wade through this, someone that specifically has YOUR back. Your husband was engaged in Oral with an OW with your son not far away. It seems pretty bad.

3. Make sure he is in complete NC with the OW. Have him write a No Contact letter to her.

4. Both read, "Not Just Friends". If you have any chance at reconcilliation, your WH needs to learn boundaries as discussed in this book,

5. See an attorney, This doesnt mean you have to file, but you NEED to find out what your options are. It is only to help you should things go even further south and you need to file in the future.

6. Find someone in real life that has your back. I didnt tell anyone for two months until I found out a huge bit of TT. I contacted our pastor for additional counseling. I told my family. We told our closest friends of the marriage to help us with accountability. We even told our grown son. It was after that I began to heal.

7. Prepare yourself for the long haul. They say recovery from something like this takes 2-5 years, regardless of whether you reconcile or divorce. It is going to be the hardest thing you have done in your entire life. You WILL survive, though. There is hope. You will be happy again someday. Be your own biggest supporter. Think of what you would tell a sister if this happened to her. Be kind to yourself.

8. Drink lots of water (no alcohol). Eat what you can. Drink protein shakes if you cant keep anything down. Losing lots of weight too fast is very common.

9. Reach out here for help as much as you need it. We have all been there and you have found a community of help.

{{hugs}}

Hi, Sara22, welcome to SI.

Just something to think about....forgiveness for infidelity, IMO, should be earned. You just found out, you really don't know if you have the entire truth, and what is he doing to show remorse? What consequences has he had to face?

His words at this point are meaningless, it will be his actions that speak volumes. Cheaters always lie and minimize and rarely will they tell the entire truth about the betrayal.

DO NOT rugsweep what he has done, infidelity causes trauma, you walked in on them in the act, you are in shock right now. You really have not had time to process this nightmare.

I agree with nekorb about the wedding ring thing, he cheats, buys new rings, then life returns to normal?

Understand your life will never be the same. Your husband dropped a nuclear bomb on your marriage, and yes, you can rebuild, but it will take years to put the pieces back together.

I joined this group for support. I know that this is going to take a long time to get over. But I want to clear some things up.

1. The wedding rings comment was taken out of context. His ring (his whole gym bag) was stolen year lied this year. He works with electricity and couldnt wear it at work or when working out. Before I found out about the A I told him that I would like to get new matching wedding bands; ones that we could wear all the time and not take off. We found some sport/ silicon ones on line but never got around to getting sized and ordering them. After I found out he kept asking what he can do. I told him I would like him to wear a ring again. We went to the mall that same day and got our fingers measured and then went on line and ordered the rings.

2. She was not MY friend. She was his friend that became friends with me because of her friendship with my H.

3. The night I caught them, I asked how long it had been going on and she was the one that said 3 months. She was then one that told me she went after him. And that before she threw herself at my H, he had never approached her.

4. Do I blame him? Of course I do! He fell for her crying "I'm so lonely bullshit". He was weak and made the choice to F**** her.

5. Telling me the truth. He is only telling me what I ask. And even then he asks why I want to know. Is it all of it? I don't know, but I have gotten a lot of details , probably more then I want to really know.

6. He told me that he would do what ever it takes to make things better; see a therapist, stop all contact with her, answer any questions even though he knows it will bring me pain. Unfortunately they had started a business together. So although They closed the bank account, and transferred all the business stuff to her address, etc. they still have some more to do before they can close it completely. But he has told me every time he has gotten a text or call or email from her because of the business. And he has told me with out me asking.

7. He did get tested for STD already. Went over that too. I know I still have to go as well.

Maybe he wants to rugsweep, but I admit part of me does too. I know that's wrong as well. But some times it feels better to have him hold me then to cry be myself.

I am so sorry to see you here. It makes me sad everytime I see a new name. This is waaay néw for you and unfortunately things are likely to get worse. All aboard the roller coaster from hell. Your life and marriage has been changed forever and things can never go back to the way they were. Read. Read everything in the healing library. Your WH probably doesn't yet get how seriously he F'd up. Get him to read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair". That may give him a clue. There are alot of people here who have been where you are, plenty of support when you need it.

I'm so sorry for what you've experienced and am glad that you found us. This is a great place to vent, get encouragement or ask for advice. Since you've just joined, please read the FAQ for betrayed spouses for starters. Other than that, I have two main things to point out.

1. You are in shock. It is your body's normal reaction to trauma and it lasts for a while. During this time, your brain will have difficulty absorbing what has occurred and denial is common. Do not rush into anything at this point because your head is not clear. It is absolutely normal to want to just go back to the way things used to be. Unfortunately, the only way to do that is through denial and rugsweeping. Line up a good IC (individual counselor) for yourself as s/he will be a great help once your emotional rollercoaster ride starts.

2. Your husband chose to participate due to a gap in his character. He can say that he is sorry or that it was a huge mistake as many times as he wants, but that won't change the underlying reason why he cheated. You need him to sort that out in order to be certain you have a safe partner who is working with you on your healing and on the marriage. He will also need an IC in order to help with with this. The other things he will need to do for you are:

- NC (no contact) with the OW. Ever. In any form.

- Honesty. You get all your questions answered. As many times as you wish to ask them. Trying to hide things and having it come out later (also called TT -- trickle truth) is a killer for trust and reconciliation.

- Transparency. You have full access to everything (cell phone, email, social media, etc.). Nothing gets deleted. There are no hidden accounts, phones, etc.

The upcoming days and weeks are difficult. Take extra good care of yourself and keep posting.

Hi Sara,

I'm so sorry for your pain you are definitely not alone. Hang in there this will be the toughest thing you do. It is a roller coaster of emotions, I'm sure you are already finding this out. I think all of us wish that we could just forget it or that it just never happened hell some days I wish I had amnesia. But I do realize when I pop up for air out of crazy town that it's good to know and deal with it. It's actually a great thing to watch my husband make a lot of changes for the better (if they will last, I don't know only time will tell).

I looked and can't find the article about how to help your spouse heal after the affair. Where is it?

Sorry you had to join this club Sara22, but you have found the best place to help you work through this shit sandwich you have been presented. Your situation is doubly devastating because as you said, the OW was like family. Visit the healing library in the yellow box on the top left. Make sure you take care of yourself. The days after discovery are a whirlwind of all types of emotions.

I hope you have completely cut this OW out of your lives. Complete no contact is a must. They can't ever talk again. Your WH must write a firm emotionless no contact letter to the OW that you must approve of before he sends it. Ask you WH to write down a complete timeline of what happened. From the very beginning of the A to the very end. The detail required is up to you. If any parts of the A were carried out in your home, your safe place, demand your WH replace those things immediately.

Last night I found out that they had sex way less then i had thought. It was a relief. It was a relief to know that it wasn't going on for as long as I thought, that they had not had sex as much as I thought. I was a relief to know that he didn't lover her. He has been totally honest in answering all of my questions. And he says he is sorry every time.

Gently now, rule number 1, 2 and 3 is that cheaters lie. You have to understand they are in "cover my ass" mode, especially so soon after discovery, and will try to minimize what they did in order to protect themselves from the consequences of their actions. If I can be frank with you, let me tell you that you only know one fact for sure right now. That fact is that your WH can lie to your face (even if it's by omission) with a straight face. For the sake of your sanity, for the time being, do not cling to what he tells you as gospel, because if what he says unravels later, it will be easier for you to recover.

Does he articulate what he is sorry for? This is important because it helps you gauge how deep his understanding of your pain, and how monumental his choice to cheat on you are. A nebulous I am sorry for what I did is meaningless.

Pursue the truth for its own sake. Look for deleted messages on his phone, emails anything that can help you nail the truth down. Without the truth laid bare, you will only be rebuilding your M on a pack of lies.

To be honest I just wish I could forget it all. I want to move on.

This would simply be the worst thing you could for your marriage. If you were on a boat that developed a leak, after bailing the water out, would you not then immediately try to find the hole to seal it? Affairs are much the same way. If your WH can't answer the all important "WHY" he allowed this to happen, then at some point in the future, he may revert to his old patterns and do it again. IC is a great tool for him to try and pin his why down. Sweeping this under the rug and just moving on will benefit no one, and will only leave the door open for it happen again in the future.

Your concerns about forgiving too easily are right on the money. A betrayal of such magnitude must have consequences. I am not telling you to be mean, or hurtful to your WH or to mistreat him. All I am saying is make sure he does the hard work to rebuild your marriage and to rebuild a modicum of your trust, because without a little bit of trust, you are more like his parole officer than his wife, and nobody wants to live like that.

More people will comment on your thread to help you. Keep an open mind, and remember, take what works for you, and leave the rest. There are plenty of people who have salvaged their marriages after infidelity, and if you read their stories, you will begin to notice certain trends in the stories with "happy endings", and it is those trends that lead to successful R. Use this resource to you benefit. Good luck OP, and stay strong.

Sara - we are all here to support you. We've been in your shoes and are all on our personal journey toward healing and surviving infidelity.

We may not say the things you want to hear. It's what kept me from reading SI when I first found this site. I didn't want people advising me to do the opposite of what I wanted to do. Unfortunately - that little "head in the sand" bit I pulled, cost me another dday and a whole new layer of pain.

Why are we telling you that ow and wh are not being truthful about the details? Because 9 times out of 10, they minimize, and lie. Ow's lie to the BW to help the wh and to make themselves look better.

We are angry for you - because we know you didn't deserve this. If you rug sweep, this will likely happen again. As painful as it is, you have to tackle this - to demand your wh fix whatever's broken inside of him that allowed him to accept ow's advances.

Reconciliation is definitely possible - but it should take you some time to determine if your wh is willing to do the hard work involved to successfully reconcile. Words are cheap. Wait until you see consistent action. They must end contact immediately. To end their business, you must become involved as well - or maybe a trusted relative to be a intermediary. You need access to his phone and emails. He must earn the gift of reconciliation.

You will hear many stories and suggestions from people who all want to help. You may not agree with all of them - but please don't let hope blind you to the wisdom they offer. Your husband has done incredible damage - as did ow - but it's your WH's selfishness that needs to be addressed, since he's the other half of your marriage. Don't give him a pass because she was the aggressor. He's deserving of your anger as well. I'm all for hating the ow and wishing her all the karma she deserves - but your wh has a lot of work to do to express remorse vs regret and repair the damage he's inflicted on you and the marriage.

(((Hugs Sara)))

[This message edited by sassylee at 1:07 AM, January 16th (Saturday)]

Also, just because no one mentioned it..

Hysterical Bonding (craving sex with each other after a betrayal) is a very real issue. You may go through it and that's ok. Just make sure you are protected. No one here will think less of you if you go through it. Many of us have.

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" is a book by Linda MacDonald that you can pickup in a bookstore or online. You should also be able to find a PDF copy online by googling "how to help your spouse heal after the affair pdf". It is an easy read, will give you a better view of what your husband should be doing to help you and should be something that he willing reads after you recommend/give it to him.

We may not say the things you want to hear. It's what kept me from reading SI when I first found this site. I didn't want people advising me to do the opposite of what I wanted to do. Unfortunately - that little "head in the sand" bit I pulled, cost me another dday and a whole new layer of pain.

Why are we telling you that ow and wh are not being truthful about the details? Because 9 times out of 10, they minimize, and lie. Ow's lie to the BW to help the wh and to make themselves look better.

^^^^ This ^^^^^^

It's kind of hard to believe anything that comes out of the lying mouth of a woman who sat at your table, lived in your home, ate your food, interacted with your child, became close to your family, sat and drank coffee with you and chatted girl talk - all while she was actively having an affair with your husband behind your back.

This type of person is practiced at the art of deceit.

Believing anything either of them tell you will eventually backfire on you because sooner or later you'll learn more of the truth.

And when that happens, it's like D-Day all over again.

I sense your desire to believe their story and to want to rug sweep the whole situation. We get it. We ALL get it. We've all been there and we've all done that. And like you, we all believed OUR situation was unique and OUR husband was different than everyone else's.

We all pretty much found out we weren't unique and our spouses really weren't that different.

As Sassylee said, while you may not want to hear what we have to say, it doesn't negate the fact that everyone here simply wants you to benefit from their collected years of wisdom and not make the same sorrowful mistakes we made.

Good luck to you.

Honey, I'm so sorry you are here.

I've was betrayed by a best friend and my husband too.

The best advice I can give you is this...don't believe anything ANYTHING out of their mouths. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that this is a long term affair.

Call her ex husband.. there may be some answers there too.

A double betrayal is an absolute f-ed situation. You have two people that can twist and tweak the real story. ..and my dear, when you find out the whole truth it's going to be so much worse. I KNOW you don't believe that but it's part of the cheaters handbook to lie, minimize, and do damage control.

Keep posting, we care, we have walked your path.

Dear God. What if your son had opened the door to the garage? And on Christmas eve? I am so very sorry this happened to you. You were betrayed in a major way. Shame on both of them. Makes me so angry, I can't tell you.

I looked and can't find the article about how to help your spouse heal after the affair. Where is it?

Best $10 I ever spent

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/Mini-Books.html

He has been totally honest in answering all of my questions.

I picked up on this too, same as Nekorb and the rest of the good folks here. I doubt he is being totally honest, even with himself.

Don't rush moving on. The affair will follow you like a cloud of flies, landing and biting as soon as you stop moving.

There is something that is different about our situation. Our child was diagnosed with autism when he was 2. He has moderate to severe autism. I know that many of have said that all of thought you sources were different but in the end they were not. But unless you are living with the day to day stresses and disappointments of a special needs child, you don't know the strain it can place on a relationship. Shortly after a ton of reading and talking to other parents and support groups we were shocked to find out that most parents, more then half, of special needs kids get divorced.

The day after, or maybe it was two days after, I can't remember now, I asked him why he did it? I can't remember how many times I asked him from the second I walked in to that next day when we sat down and started to talk, but I asked him why. Why did you do this? Why her? Was it me? Is it something I did? What did she have that I don't have? I asked so many questions to try to figure out why it happened. And he answered. As our son's 10th birthday he approached he became more and more aware of the fact that her son has not magically improved or gotten better. He still has uncontrollable loud noise outbursts, he still is mostly nonverbal, he still can't go to the bathroom by himself, he was turning 10 years old and was still functioning a the level of a 4-5 year old in most ways. And he didn't want to tell me that he was disappointed, and sad and wished out son was not like this. He said he never wanted to talk to me about all his fears and disappointments revolving our son because he already knew I was the one that was dealing with it every day, I was working full-time and caring for the house and caring for our son and he didn't want me to have to deal with his shortcomings as a father as well. The sad thing is I lied to him as well. Because I felt all those things about our son too. If you don't have a special needs child I don't expect you to understand this part, but it's daily devastation to see that the child you love will never ever say I love you back or even really show you That he does. So 99% of the time I put on my happy face told my husband everything was fine, that our son was doing fine, and never let on my heart was also broken and disappointed with the child we had.

When I asked my husband why and how he ended up with her he told me Yes she is the one that started it. Yes she came on to him, but he had confided all his personal feelings about our son to her. And that it was a release for him because of it. I'm sure there is more to it than just that. But considering the lives that most special-needs parents have, the heartbreak and the disappointment of every day life, in most cases it is exactly why people cheat and leave their spouses. There may be more to it than that, but I do believe that our (both of us) fear of telling the truth about our feelings revolving our son was one of the first wedges in our intimacy. Had we been totally honest with each other from the very beginning it might have helped him be stronger. I am in no way taking responsibility for the fact that he cheated on me. But I know that was one of the reasons he felt the need to. And I know that is something we are going to have to confront and resolve to make sure that it's not one of the reasons that this could ever happen in the future again.

They also had a long talk last night about no contact and what that really means, because they work together, and are trying to close out the business. He told me he is trying to close out it's much as he can as fast as he can in order to stop all contact with her. Unfortunately we had made many plans, events in the next few months that have to be settled : reimbursements, selling tickets for concerts and shows etc. One of the hardest things is been what to say to our friends because they're wondering why we aren't hanging out together anymore. Originally I told my husband I didn't want anyone to know. Mostly because I felt embarrassed and ashamed, but also because I know I want reconciliation and I don't want people to try and separate us. So finally I told him that we can be truthful without giving away all the details. We can tell people we had a falling out and we're no longer friends and want nothing to do with her. If I were mutual friends want to be friends with her and us separately they can and if they don't that's fine too you don't really care at this point How they may or may not see us. I just want to focus on trying to rebuild our marriage.

Also during our talk last night I asked about phone calls and texts and emails and per my request when the event first happened he said he deleted her from all his social media and phone. I asked if I could see the texts on his phone and he opened it and showed me that there were no texts from her. We do have mutual friends that had group texted so she was included, but he did not replay to them. And we talked again about The need to totally and completely cut her out of our lives as soon as possible. Because of our living situation, because of the costs associated with our special needs child, we need every cent that his three jobs bring in. So even if they dissolve their partnership, they will still be working at at least one location on the same day. We talked about the No Contact letter. I told him that if everyone knows we had a falling out and we are not friends there's no reason for him to have to be polite and say hi to her when they're walking past each other in between teaching their classes. He told me he wants to do what ever he can to never have contact with her again.

So now... The Truth. Do I believe him? I want to. But I don't trust him any longer. There are probably things he is still on meeting from the story, some could be straight lies as many of you have claimed happens. But he says he will do whatever it takes to earn back my trust. And every time he has said he was sorry he has been very specific about what; I'm sorry I lost your trust, I'm sorry I broke your heart, I'm sorry I made you feel unsafe or unworthy or like anything was wrong with you because it's not yo and every time he has said he was sorry he has been very specific about what; "I'm sorry I lost your trust, I'm sorry I broke your heart, I'm sorry I made you feel unsafe or unworthy or like anything was wrong with you". He has been very specific when he has apologized. Last night he revealed to me that he was very angry with himself. He reiterated multiple times that he was not angry with me. He told me that he blames himself. That he knows that he is the one that caused this, he is the one that destroyed our marriage and our family. He said he is angry at himself because he's getting frustrated that he can't fix it faster, and that he put us in this situation, and again told me that it was not my fault that he takes 100% of the blame for everything. I told him about some of the things I have read here. And that it could take a long time, years, to build back that trust and really reconcile.

It was a good talk. But it is draining too. I don't think I can confront this every day. Some days I am just going to was to rugsweep so I can just enjoy the day. I am not a very religious person. In fact if there is a god I would throw a rock at him for making my child autistic. But I do find comfort in the lessons from the Dalai Lama. Forgiveness is key to finding peace. That does not mean forgetting or not protecting myself from this happening again. But if I want to be happy I am going to have to forgive and want to move past this. And I do.