SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He would go away for "work trips". More telling than that was that he would do his own laundry upon return. I can't believe I didn't catch on to this, I mean he NEVER did laundry!

What everyone else has mentioned. Plus, for years, every day when I came home from work, my WS greeted me with "Hi honey." One day, that just stopped. He never said it to me again. I was bothered by it, but the pieces of the puzzle did not fall into place for a couple weeks.

New hobbies which didn't include me but he never expressed interest in during time we've been together. This lead to disappearing for hours.

Late coming home from work but jobsite is close near home

Glued to cell phone and deleting activities on it, also phone would ring once than hang up and he disappeared into garage few minutes later.

Mainly the weird shit coming out of his mouth, I.e.

Conversational clues like we were dining out and bar had cgarette smoke lingering and was bothering me and he said that he "was use to it"', we don't smoke

And

I have an adult daughter, when we met she was 12 & went off to college long after we started living together, yet he slipped up talking about how he wouldn't want the hardships of raising a teenage girl. Wtf? 6 years she lived with us..

Changed music and movie interests, slipped saying he saw a recent release, but never mentioned going and it wasn't with me.

Closed Laptop Windows quickly when I came around and Deleted computer browsing history

Numerous email accounts I didn't know about or why so many

Started backing up on external hard drive and hides it

Changed appearance, dressing better, working out and grooming more. New underwear and shaved there too

Started using cash but nothing to show for

Wasn't at places he said he'd be going when I would dive by and then lame lies excusing why

Hostile over small prying questions and never giving straight answers, called me terrible names getting loud to stop me from pressing issue.

Would get mad and pout for days for no reason

Cleaned car in carwash after work when he usually did it at home

Hiding receipts, credit card statements

Started drinking a lot more than a glass of wine and went from wine to drinking beer

Suddenly he was laundering his own clothes by themselves

Lots of signs the biggest was early in my pregnancy with his child, he had a doctor's appointment during work hours, when I asked if he was okay he said it was a yearly. We had sex that night and next morning I was looking for toothpaste and found a tube of anti-fungus cream prescription for his private parts. So lied about appointment reason and didn't share this or wear protection and I had to be tested for hpv and other std.

I feel so stupid realizing it all now

Shouldn't want to relive these but here goes;

Phone on silent and keypad locked

Phone never out of his sight

Being really nice to me - breakfast in bed then being horrible starting arguments over nothing

Hiding money which I found and he said it belonged to someone at work

Not answering his phone when I rang

Ringing me more often to see where I was

Wanting to go to OW holiday home more often (she was a friend)

Lost weight

Wanted new clothes including underwear

Going to petrol station and away longer that necessary

Said he was working late

The list goes on and on and I can feel myself getting mad just typing this so think I should stop now.

The same as everyone else, I just turned blind eye to everything, believing her lies and never believing she would actually do it.

Hundreds and then thousands of texts a month.

Phone calls repeatedly through out the day

Phone suddenly being hid

Not answering her phone and claiming she didn't hear it ring even though her car has Bluetooth

Acting like she resented me for no reason

Always mad at me

Not eating and constantly worrying about her weight and appearance

And the big one, that I even confronted her with at the time, is suddenly asking if I wanted oral sex when she never really liked it.

Looking back, I feel like a fool but never again. She knows that there will never be an opportunity for her to have male friends or act like she did. It's now trust but watch and verify everything. I don't take anything for granted anymore.

[This message edited by 99lawdog99 at 11:08 AM, February 9th (Tuesday)]

Absolutely the phone thing....

He would always take the car seat out of his car whenever he went anywhere....

The look he gave me when I got my results from the ob/gyn (I was pregnant at the time) when I got a letter from doctor saying I was negative for diabetes/hiv/hpv etc..... I said I guess I don't have any STDs! I was kidding, but he never slept with me after discovering the doctor had tested me for things. At the time his reaction seemed curious, but it all made sense later.

1. Keeping the phone on her always, rather than leaving here or there around the house.

2. Abruptly ending calls when I entered the room.

3. Lost weight.

4. Stopped wearing the jewelry that I gave her.

5. Errands outside the house suddenly taking substantially more time.

6. Stopped getting into arguments with me, which is indicative of checking out of M emotionally.

Aw yes, forgot to mention, the jewelry. When we went on vacation (and we had a few during the PA), he started buying me expensive jewelry. Still does now and swears it has nothing to do with guilt. He says it makes me smile and he likes to see me smile. Um, guilt!

All of the above , this thread is a trigger for me but all of the above and more

DDay was 6 months ago and I've been reading this site and using it for support. My list:

1) Sudden interest in appearance: clothes, hair, weight.

2) Shaving the pubes

3) Constantly on the phone. In my case, my wife seemed to be constantly playing this stupid game. I've come to find out it had a messaging component that couldn't be easily tracked.

4) An increase in time away from home. No interest in me or my three sons.

5) A marked increased in drinking and getting drunk.

6) Reduced work schedule from full to part time. Told me her depression was getting worse and working/biking/be outside helped. Part time scheduled allowed for more play time.

7) Annoyed with most everything I did. No interest in anything I liked. It was all about biking and party friends.

8) Really wasn't interested in doing anything with my side of the family.

9) When home, lots of time in our room alone listening to music (or so she said).

10) Last one, up late saying she couldn't sleep. Phone records and emails indicate time to communicate with boyfriends (there were at least three over a 3-4 year period).

I'm divorcing her. I feel like such a dope and a fool. Like all of us, I loved and trusted my wife with all my heart. This really really sucks.

1). New email account. He told me it was for all of his junk email yet he was secretive when he checked it.

2). Pass lock on his phone. He said it was because when he left his phone at his desk, co-workers would go through it?

3). New clothes

4). Worked late every night and even volunteered to work on weekends.

5). Never used his vacation time. -well , at least not with us. He had 4 weeks vacation a year.

6). Downloaded music very different from what he normally listened to.

7). Attended a lot of "no spouses allowed" work functions.

8). Got on the phone as soon as he got in his car.

9). Not affectionate

10). Started picking fights so he could leave.

11). Started carpooling with OW. Told me I was crazy thinking something wasn't right.

The usual - glued to phone. Getting quite a few texts - and replying straight away rather than ignoring it.

Not allowing the kids to play games on his phone any more.

Alternately withdrawing affection from me - e.g. no kisses on the end of messages - and then going in the opposite direction, e.g. taking me out for a very nice meal and champagne etc for our anniversary.

Spending a lot of time 'on the toilet; (with phone!).

Drinking more (I think the stress of his double life was getting to him).

Coming to bed later. And later. And later.

Im looking to signs of something going wrong. I didn't have a clue before DDay. I accidentally saw an open e mail. Nothing clued me in to anything wrong, Nil Zip Zilch. But that niggly little thing called intuition always poked at me. Now I am finding phone numbers on his bill that I have found that when I call them they have a woman's voice mail message...and complete over attentiveness on his part- which he did all the way along for 16 months - so I can't use that as a measure. These phone records are making my warning bells go off big time.

My red flags all varied from time to time....

1st A- NO CLUE!!! We were long distance due to deployment. Only when he dropped her name upon his return did I get a clue that something was not right. While deployed not ONE hint of what he was going to do.

2nd (very sure, no proof) EA/ PA- he mentioned her name only after we were back together.... well, that and getting fired should have been proof enough.

3rd- EA- NO proof the first couple of months. The red flags???? He practically ran out of the house in the morning to begin emailing her at work... and staying till the very last minute when he never could wait to get out of work before that.... suddenly he was staying till the very last second.

The other red flags were few... just subtle hints like him telling me someone he worked with had things to sell.... and a couple strange times when he appeared to be hiding the computer from me as I walked past. I got sneaky and got into his email and BAM!!!! All the EA proof any woman ever wanted.... until he freaked as I revealed too soon and erased it all to hide what he was doing.

THEN..... millions of red flags!!!

Changing password

Telling me his 'friendship' was not my business

refusing to give up his 'friend'

going to take his 'friend' out for lunch

emails (I broke into his email again) calling her hot, beautiful, etc.

Proof he sent her V Day gifts

Throwing my xmas gift at me and saying "I didn't deserve it" ( I think this one is the most painful to remember)

Avoiding me and the kids

Refusing to give passwords

Refusing to read the books

Should I go on??!!!

My fWW's evolved.

It started with treating BFFs family with more priority and import than her own. BFF. BFF's kids, BFF's mother...the whole dysfunctional clan meant more to her over time until her own just mattered as much as if we (our children, even) were just neighbors. This transition took about 4 years, and then got much worse.

Eventually, this led her to BFF's brother.

Signs ( more concrete):

- texting constantly

- on the phone all the time

- absences from our home

- asking me to go away (visit your dad...visit our son..take an extra night on your work trip so you're rested and safer to drive etc)

- angry with everyone in the house, frequently. Short fuse

- texting during our dates

- disconnected...no focus and daydreaming in our conversations. Absent minded "uh-huhs"

- accusations that I was on message boards & possibly cheating

In the middle of his A he became very aloof. He didn't want to talk and was very angry. I remember wondering what was wrong with him, and when I asked him he always said it was work stress. He had an A with a coworker and he started taking food into her. He would make a point to take in certain items that he made at home. (especially desserts) I also couldn't reach him on his work number most of the time. There were SO many signs. He also never mentioned her name. I didn't know she existed until a few months before i caught him and he knew her for years.

He also lost a LOT of weight and wanted to buy new clothes.

In my case WS was

1) Constantly texting, FB etc

2) kept the phone with her at all times

3) added passwords to phone and email accounts

4) wanting alone time and visiting friends a lot

5) started new birth control even though it was a risk to her health and claimed it was to get her period more regular.

6) waxed the pubes

7) drank more

8) pulled back from me emotionally and even refused kissing me. a hug was like it was a big deal

9) wouldn't sleep and stayed up late, especially if I had already gone to bed

I felt something was wrong and even though she ticked the boxes for a cheating spouse, I didn't believe it, or atleast didn't want too, and trusted her fully. its something that still makes me feel like a complete idiot and I'm still angry with myself for not accepting what was obviously staring me in the face.