SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The marriage has been on the rocks for a while - last summer at least. Been married since '08. We have 3 kids. 4, 2 and 2 (twins). We did counseling but it didn't seem to help and she stopped going. Saturday after Thanksgiving we had a long talk (initiated by her), where she tells me that she's sorry she gave up on us - and that she's committed to making it work now. We decide to just try having fun together again.

Time passes and she continues to show little interest in doing things together. Then a week and a half ago, I was using her laptop only b/c I forgot mine at the office. You know how this story ends... I went to email a doc to myself, her email program opens up and the top email is from her boss. Something about wanting to hold her all night. I read the chain and it's brutal. A lot has already happened and they're making plans for a rendezvous at a convention. We were friends with this guy and he'd come over to the house with his wife and 2 kids.

I freaked out obsv. but decided to wait until I had time to think. Didn't actually confront her for about a week and a half and did so last Friday. She said it started right around Thanksgiving..... See para. 1 above. She said it's "over" but she's in love with him. Sounds like they just stopped so they wouldn't get caught and plan to pick up again.

I feel like an idiot since I said I still loved her and wanted to work things out. So weird that I can't bring myself to be madder at her. Maybe I'm still in shock. I told her I'm still willing to try, but it's him or me. She said that maybe this is why people get separated first, so they have time to think. I'm not optimistic and wondering if I should just end it.

Not expecting any answers. Just venting.

Hi Frk963

Sorry your here and going through this shit. If I were you first thing I would do is tell OM's wife. if you are concerned your WW and OM will resume the A, they will take it underground, but if his wife knows it may stop him going along with it. the risk is she leaves him and he takes up with your wife.

Also she has a right to know. I'm sure if the roles were switched you would want to know.

If your wife is committed to you and your marriage, she will quit her job and send the OM a NC letter which you need to approve and validate, hard to imagine her doing that if she says she's in love with him. if she's not willing at least you know where you stand. good luck

Considered telling the wife for the reasons you mentioned but decided against it. She may report her husband and my wife to the higher-ups and that could get my wife fired. That's bad for me and my kids financially. Plus, why take him off the hook and do his dirty work for him. Let him carry that burden.

I am, however, going to talk to him tomorrow night. Strictly to make myself feel better by taking control of the situation even to a limited extent.

Here we go again, another selfish BS. You don't expect any immediate gratification from telling his wife so you're not going to bother. Never mind that she deserves to know what she's married to, never mind that by not telling her you are complicit in any cheating he does on his wife from now on, never mind that if he gives her an std from his cheating it will be partially your fault because you could have saved her from that with a simple phone call. You don't see any immediate reward for it so you're not going to bother.

Be happy the people on this site don't share your opinion or you would receive no help for your situation.

There are benefits to you telling his wife. If you do it without telling your wife you're going to do it, it puts a second set of eyes on the affair and reduces the chance that they'll take it under ground.

Um ... Wow. Is this forum not supposed to be helpful to people who have been cheated on? I get it if you disagree with me but no need to be insulting.

He is saying that the other betrayed spouse is in the same shitty situation you are in, and wouldn't it be nice to be told the truth about your marriage?

But if I were you, I would wait to tell HR and the OBS. Because you have a decision to make. If you want to stay with your wife, the best results based on the real-world examples one sees here daily involve telling the OBS. And if you want to divorce your wife, the best results involve her giving you favorable divorce terms for your silence.

Hi Frk. Sorry you had the need to find this place, but honestly, you could not have found a better place to tell your truth and get advice.

First thing I would like to say is separation proposed by the cheating spouse in situations like yours is often code for I want to have my cake and eat it too. So, she will leave the marital home, and have the ability to spend her free time as she pleases without you watching over her shoulder. That is a dangerous recipe, especially seeing as your WW dropped the L bomb on you. What will likely happen is the A will continue behind your back while she keeps you a string telling you she is figuring herself out. When the A ends or the OM kicks her to the curb, guess what, she has nothing to worry about because plan B (you) is ready and willing to pick up where she left it off. No way brother, you deserve better than that. A man in your position has to take a very strong stance right now. In order to save your M, you must be willing to lose it.

If you hope to R, you must make sure the A is dead in the water. There is no way that will be the case if your wife is still seeing or contacting the OM. Remember, she did tell you she is in love with him. People do strange things for those they are in love with. If they still have opportunities to communicate, you must assume the A is still ongoing. Do not believe her for second when she says "it's over". As turbulent and difficult as it may be, she needs to get a new job asap, and to commit to never communicating with this POS ever again. Anything less than that, and you may as well pack it right now and call it a day. The surest way to kill the A is to tell the OBS. Two sets of eyes are better than one, plus if you blow up OM's world, he will be too busy trying to cover his own ass to be overly concerned with your WW.

Yes, you still are in shock. The anger will come in time. You are in the very early stages of a very traumatic event in your life, and unfortunately you can not count on the one person in your life you chose to spend forever with. I hope you have good people in your life you can lean on in your of need.

Were I you, I would not even be thinking about making it work. You did good by telling her she had to choose between OM and you. She is waffling because she is still sitting on the fence. Knock her off the fence. You can do this by filing paperwork for D and offering to take her to the OM's house so she can be with the man she loves. A dose of reality will often do the trick. If she accepts the D, then what are you fighting for? If on the other hand she shows determination to fight to save her M, then she may be a candidate for R if you are willing.

Also, poke around the healing library and read up on the 180. Implement it to the best of your ability as soon as you can. I'll stop here for now. Good luck OP, and keep posting. There is a lot of knowledge here. Use it for your benefit.

[This message edited by jigga114 at 10:54 PM, March 7th (Monday)]

I'm so sorry you're here and dealing with this. From one BS to the other, it sucks beyond words!!! In my opinion, I would not make any major decisions at this point. It's all too new. You will have an arrange of emotions and your mind and heart will be changing constantly. Some people will be very strong and harsh in their opinions (as witnessed above), but many will have great advice. You can decide what works best for your situation. This is your journey to walk, so you do what is best for you. I'm only 4 months out from DDay so I don't have a lot of experience or advice but I do wish you well.

Another very important point. A request for separation to "think" ALWAYS leads to the spouse getting deeper into the affair. Never agree to it.

I am sorry you are going through this. This board is populated by people who have gone through the exact trauma you have, and are writing based on their experience. Cheating is a human behavior, and therefore follows certain predictable parterns. If you can put aside the vitriol of those projecting their own anger, you can learn a lot and stay one step ahead.

Thanks all. I never thought I would be willing to work it out w a cheating spouse but for some reason I can't understand I still want her back. Emotions change day to day. Maybe I'll hate her tomorrow. And I think I know in the back of my mind I should just move on. My heart just isn't there quite yet. For now I've moved to the guest room and she wants to try to stay in the house 4 a while for $$ reasons (and kids). I do t know if I can. Anyway, easily the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

If you're leaning towards R, then she must quit her job and remove herself from the environment she started the affair in. The OBS will likely not out them to the employer because they depend on his income as well. But she does deserve to know and get checked for STDs. (Which by the way you and your wife should be also.).

It's very early but she's in love with him or so she thinks. It's not going to be easy getting her out of the fog.

FRK

Right now I wouldn't worry about whether you are going to try reconciliation or go with divorce, it's too early. You consider reconciling after the affair is history, the wife shows true remorse and begins to do everything she can to try and earn back your trust and save the marriage.

If you indicate that you want to try and save the marriage before that point, or while she's in the affair fog, she will look at you as a plan B and that she can choose who she want's to go with. It's looks like you're at that stage at this time with her suggesting taking time to think about what she wants to do.

The crowd is right in that exposing the affair is the surest way to stop it, but I can understand your reluctance from a financial standpoint. Talking to her boss may be a good intermediate step for now. Let him know that you are aware of the affair and haven't decided yet just who you are going to tell about it. Mention his wife, his boss and maybe Facebook. That should give him the gravity of the situation he's in.

Your wife isn't going to realize the situation she is in and how much pain she has caused you until she is out of the fog. If her boss has any sense he will dump her, eliminating plan A, and you can put pressure on her by employing The 180. Once her options are gone and she shows her true self, you can make a decision on the marriage.

You should know that some here feel strongly about their positions due to their own experience and show little finesse in stating their advice. The key is to take the advice you feel works for you and ignore the others.

You can revisit exposing the boss at a later time when the dust is settled.

Emotions change day to day

This is called the Roller Coaster Your brain cannot comprehend the situation you are dealing with at the moment

This is the most traumatic situation anyone can experience in life, it cannot be rationalised with logic or reasoning

It is too soon to make a decision as to R or D

What is needed now is a period of stability, one of two states is possible

Ending the affair: You do this by informing the OBS

OR: You separate and allow your wife to cultivate her affair with her boss

Seek advice from a lawyer as to what your options are regarding D

Why are you sleeping in the guest room? she should be. So far she has been caught having an affair with her boss and she has had no consequences not even the inconvenience of not sleeping in the marital bed!

Why are you sleeping in the guest room? she should be. So far she has been caught having an affair with her boss and she has had no consequences not even the inconvenience of not sleeping in the marital bed!

No good answer to this. My wife asked the same thing and said she should be the one who slept there. I think it just felt like I was doing something proactive by sleeping there. Plus the guest room is actually really nice. Still, I think tonight I'll tell her she's sleeping over there. Will prob. feel better.

Oh, and I already consulted with a lawyer. Did that before I confronted her.

If you indicate that you want to try and save the marriage before that point, or while she's in the affair fog, she will look at you as a plan B and that she can choose who she want's to go with. It's looks like you're at that stage at this time with her suggesting taking time to think about what she wants to do.

The crowd is right in that exposing the affair is the surest way to stop it, but I can understand your reluctance from a financial standpoint. Talking to her boss may be a good intermediate step for now. Let him know that you are aware of the affair and haven't decided yet just who you are going to tell about it. Mention his wife, his boss and maybe Facebook. That should give him the gravity of the situation he's in.

Your wife isn't going to realize the situation she is in and how much pain she has caused you until she is out of the fog. If her boss has any sense he will dump her, eliminating plan A, and you can put pressure on her by employing The 180. Once her options are gone and she shows her true self, you can make a decision on the marriage.

This is really good advice. Thanks. I actually already decided I'm talking to the boss. Happening tonight. He already knows I know, but I'll let him know I considered him a friend and while I blame her a lot more (she's the one who took the vow), he's also a piece of crap for cheating on his family, esp. with a married woman. I may just tell him I haven't decided yet who I'm going to tell - including his wife. I don't expect to have any effect on what he does, but if nothing else, I think I'll feel better for having confronted him

One twist with telling his boss is that guy also had an extramarital affair and left his wife for a co-worker. My wife's boss used to talk about how scuzzy that guy was. I think I'll remind him of that too.

I just bumped a thread that I think is similar to yours (I am so crushed) the posters name is Ronoh.

I feel like you are doing the same stuff he did, and refusing to do the same things...the advice here is tried and true. If you want to save your marriage do what works. I can tell you what doesn't work. Separation, keeping it from the OBS, and trying to "nice your wife back."

Saying, I will do anything to save the marriage is like giving your WW a free pass to do whatever she wants.

Separating so she can "sort things out" is like saying "Go ahead, get your own place so you won't have to deal with your guilt, or see my anger/sadness/desperation while you continue on with your Affair. You will be living somewhere else so I can't check up on you and will only have your word that it's over.

Let's just say you did tell the OBS and she said... oh that's old news, I've known since last summer but my husband said they had stopped and I believe him. Would you be thinking - Thank you so much for not telling me sooner that would have killed my summer OR would you be thinking !#!## If you had told me sooner I could have stopped this in its tracks... before it got this bad.

I'll post more in a bit but wanted to give you time to read the post I bumped

Thanks. I actually already decided I'm talking to the boss. Happening tonight. He already knows I know, but I'll let him know I considered him a friend and while I blame her a lot more (she's the one who took the vow), he's also a piece of crap for cheating on his family, esp. with a married woman. I may just tell him I haven't decided yet who I'm going to tell - including his wife. I don't expect to have any effect on what he does, but if nothing else, I think I'll feel better for having confronted him

Personally I see this as a mistake. What I see is ... I'm not getting anywhere with my wife... maybe Ill get somewhere with the OM. Think about it... if he doesn't have the moral compass to see that having a A is wrong, that cheating on his wife and children is wrong... do you really think meeting with you is going to cause him pain or guilt? He is meeting with you because he wants to feel you out to fine out who you've told, how much you know, and warn you against outing the A any further.

So, what...meeting with him wont harm my situation right? Yes it will. I can't tell you how many BS waited to tell the OBS with threats and warning to the OM only to have the OM prep their wife for some crazy guy that is talking trash about their marriage. The best way to hurt him and show him what this Affair does to families is to tell his wife. He will be so busy playing fix -it and throwing your wife under the bus she won't know what hit her.

What WW and OM want is for you to keep quiet about the Affair and to separate. Then you will be pacified they can keep things going for as long as they want.

Hi, Frk, welcome to SI.

If there is ANY chance of reconciliation, your wife must go NC (No Contact) with this guy. Period. If she has to quit her job, so be it. You will never be able to reconcile while this guy is in your life. It will be way too easy for them to take the affair underground.

I am in the camp that supports telling his wife. She deserves to know she is living a lie, she deserves to make choices for her own life, she deserves to know her health may be at risk.

Separation, like everyone else has stated, is the cheater's code word for "I want to have my cake and eat it too by continuing the affair." No way.

Unless there are consequences to her affair, there is a great likelihood that either 1. It will continue or 2. She will engage in another affair.

Please listen to the wise people on this board who have been there done that.

BTW, in my personal situation, my WH affair partner's husband found out about the affair. He "spoke" to my husband and his wife. Didn't tell me a thing. Kept me in the dark. Both his wife and my husband told him it was over, blah, blah, blah. My husband's OW worked at a site 3,000 miles across the freaking country. Four weeks after the husband confronted both of them, his wife left her job to meet my husband at his hotel. It did not end until I found out myself. Don't be me.

No good answer to this. My wife asked the same thing and said she should be the one who slept there. I think it just felt like I was doing something proactive by sleeping there. Plus the guest room is actually really nice. Still, I think tonight I'll tell her she's sleeping over there. Will prob. feel better.

Understand that because of that you are still in shock you are also in a fog as well which is why you've so far done everything wrong (outside of contacting a lawyer). The good news is that it's never too late to turn things around and I should know, I did all the wrong things for a year myself.

Being nice to someone having an affair is enabling behavior and validates the WS in thinking they were justified for the A. See, they cheat because they think they can get away with it and they have lost respect for their BS. If she thought you would have tossed her to the curb the second you found out and would have no problem replacing her odds are she would think twice about having an A.

Which is why your approach should be telling her to GTFO and R is off the table until she comes crawling on her hands and knees begging for you to take her back. Anything short of that will be asking for a false R. The only way to get her to that place is to go scorched Earth on her until she hits rock bottom. Touch Love is really the only things that works in these situations.

If you go all nice guy on her you are guaranteed to fail. A WS cannot respect a BS if they kiss their ass after cheating on them.