SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Another thing I don't get is... there seems to be a mix of people on this forum, those who decided to stay and work on the relationship and of course those decided to move on. I know, most of you who have responded to my post says that I should get out especially when I don't have legal ties to him, but what happened to sticking with it and to work it out. In the past 3 months, we haven't broken it off because there is something in both of us that wants to stay. There's been occasions where he would want to leave but then broke down in tears and saying how it's too hard to leave. We are both suffering a great deal and it just seems like nothing is working, that we are not making any progress even with counseling (counseling always make both of us feel worse), yet part of us still trying to make it work. I don't think it's just me having a difficult time to let go but he is also, because otherwise he would have left long ago...

[This message edited by grayday at 5:09 PM, March 13th (Sunday)]

People are advising you leave for a few reasons. Many of us are married, and were married for many years, with kids, when dday hit. You've gotten advice from those who are years out...we know how hard it is to R with a remorseful WS. You don't have that. You have a man who is not nc with the OW. And he still has feelings for her. You simply can not reconcile under these circumstances.

OW was a partner in your devastation. He should not have feelings for her. That he does, tells me there is still something going on between them. It might not be anything more than longing looks, but he's not as nc as he is telling you.

He is suffering a great deal? How so?

Hello Grayday, I am advising you to end the relationship because you really will never get over it. You will always feel second, have insecurities and trust issues. I have divorced once and reconciled once. The divorce was much easier.

I hope things turn out the way you want for yourself. Everyone deserves happiness and peace of mind.

Good luck

Hi Greyday

I don't have a length of experience to draw from but I am going through something with some parallels. After 9 months I can say as long as they see each other at work every day is like ripping off a scab. The wound can't even begin to heal it just gets larger with each assault.

I don't know what style your councillor is using but if your sessions are producing no results you may want to find another. Not all therapists are created equal and personality plays a large role.

That said I suspect that even when it's going to be successful it's going to get worse before it gets better.

It is really easy to say get out, run far, run fast. Not always so easy to do. Doesn't make the advice right or wrong. You will know when you know what you have to do. Until then keep fighting, eventually it won't be worth the fight or you'll realize you don't have to. Either way you will have your answer.

Just remember it's not your fault, you deserve better, make sure you get it.

I'm going to be brutally honest with you and I'm pretty sure you won't like it. But you need to hear it.

I bet the majority of people here would have never married their WS if they knew infidelity was in the future. No one would marry someone that they think will cheat on them, betray them, expose them to STDs etc. You ALREADY know that he's capable of all this. You say it's out of character for him. It is now PART of his character. He is a cheater. He will always be a cheater. He cannot undo this. And this will forever be part of your relationship now. And you truly have no idea if this is the first time. I suggest telling him that you doubt that and would like a polygraph to prove it. His reaction to that alone will speak volumes (and maybe it is his first time but, sadly, it doesn't really matter. He did it).

You wonder why people stay. Mortgages, combined assets and kids are the big reasons. You have none of these complications. Furthermore, you're spending time with a guy who has put off marrying you for 12 years. 12 YEARS!!!

Seriously, save yourself. You will never have complete trust in him again. This will haunt you and it's just about the worst way to start a marriage. If he cheats when life is easy, just wait until you're dealing with kids. This is the fun, easy time and he betrayed you. And he's looking at apartments to move out. He couldn't possibly be more clear - he's not committed to you or this relationship. Find someone who is because you deserve it.

Then why doesn't he just leave? I don't think he knows what he truly wants yet which is torturing me. My mom told me I need to make the decision for myself and stop torturing myself. As much as I understand that and also understand all the feedback I've been receiving, I'm trying to stay hopeful. In January soon after D-day he gave me a card saying how sorry he was and that he has done me wrong and will change his ways in 2016 to make things better... Seems like being stuck in his job with this OP he works with is preventing us from moving forward and causing him withdrawal. I don't think one can possibly get over someone if you have to see this person everyday.

If he really wants to work on your relationship, why was he looking for an apartment?

You asked 'why doesn't he leave?'

My best intuition from the experience of all of this - he is trying to decide which person (you or OW) is 'best'.

Isn't that disgusting? How much more time do you want to allow him to 'figure out' which person he wants to put his energy into? If he goes through this process right now, and say - chooses you; will he have a sense of entitlement in the future? Will he live life believing that his feelings should dictate his actions regardless of how this affects the people around him?

Here's the biggest lesson learned from infidelity for me; feelings change. We can still make decisions, be kind, generous, empathetic people when our feelings suggest otherwise. I choose to turn toward my husband instead of another - he chose to turn toward the OW and build a sense of 'love' and intimacy with her - it did NOT have to happen.

It has taken 2 1/2 years for my husband to begin to comprehend the responsibility he had in all of the 'feelings' related to the A. Our children, our shared love for them, and our shared parenting philosophies have carried us through some times over the last three years that we would not have otherwise survived.

Everyone is different. I am NOT telling you to leave. I am telling you, 3 years later, about the truth of my experience in case it helps you.

I have found that when I was struggling, if my questions on this site and the responses from others made me defensive, angry, upset, that's when they were telling me the most truth.

Don't look for anything to feel 'easy' or any sense of relief. If you find those things this close to the discovery of an earth-shattering event like this affair, it is likely to be false. Be stronger than that, don't look for relief, look at the long term. Float above yourself and decide, knowing all that you do, what you would counsel your best friend to do. Often we treat our friends better than ourselves, so doing this exercise has always been helpful for me. You deserve kindness, especially from yourself.

Good luck with this challenging work. I truly wish the best for you.

FWIW here's my story. My husband's affair started as a workplace affair. I don't know what the OW did. I know she didn't do the same job he does. I didn't really go into depth asking what she does. Why? Because a year after they started, she was let go in the first of a series of layoffs from H's place of employment. This was more than 5 years ago.

They were able to continue to see each other b/c she moved about an hour and half away and was on the way to (at first) a place where my husband had many business trips (so maybe she was a secretary), and later, halfway between our home and our daughter's college.

We've been married 25 years. I found out about this a MONTH after our 25th anniversary. It's been 6 months almost and I still hurt. Every day. We are going to have to live with this for the rest of our lives. Reconciliation is hard. Divorce would be even worse b/c our adult children would be dragged into this AND we'd have to figure out how to divide 25 years worth of assets.

Good luck on whatever you decide and many, many hugs.

He decided to leave... He is looking for an apartment afterall. I told him the other night that if he plans to leave next month, please just leave tomorrow. But he didn't. This is unbearable to me, what do I do? Do I go elsewhere for the time being? And why after all this. He still tells me he loves me when we go to bed and when he leaves for work. If he is going to leave, please stop doing all those things. It's only torture.

Man, he's really being an asshole here. Tell him to leave tomorrow, pack up his shit, and to knock that I love you shit off. He's just trying to feel less guilt. It's his actions that matter - he's fucking someone else, he is picking her and he's moving out. Don't let this guy manipulate you any further. You've seen his true colors now.

I am so sorry.

Please don't let him keep doing this. And he will.

After he leaves- and then calls to talk or say he's sorry... It comes over to just say "hi" cause he misses you...

This is wrong.

All of it. What he did, what he's doing and what you have put up with.

Please do not be heartbroken over this man.

Get mad. Get very mad. Don't get revenge or do anything rash-

Just get mad enough so that you can see him for what he is.

Please.

You. Deserve. Better.

You. Deserve. Better.

Tell yourself that everytime he opens his lying mouth.

I am so sorry you are in pain- I hope you can begin to get a different perspective.

He does not deserve your tears.

He needs to go climb a tree.

Kick his ass out yesterday.

And then ignore & avoid him like the plague.

Disconnect. Find something better to spend your time on.

As long as you're available he will continue some version of the bullshit. So don't give him the chance. Show him you're too good to be treated like this.

Grayday, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I agree that what he is doing and what he has done is nothing short of pure torture. You asked why he is doing those things that torture you and the simple, straightforward answer is he's doing it because he doesn't care how his actions make you feel. He's doing what is easiest and most comfortable for him and that includes trying to act like nothing is wrong with him even though there is so much wrong with him.

The fact that your WS still had feelings for the OW hints at the fact that their A never stopped. Regardless of what he claimed about it being over, it wasn't. Combine the fact that he still had feelings for her and they continued to work very closely together, the A never stopped and he simply took it underground. Staying at that job might have very well cost you both the relationship because of his ongoing feelings for her. That is why a lot of people recommend having the WS do whatever is necessary to establish total NC. If they can do it in the workplace by transferring to a different job so that they no longer work together, sometimes that works if the BS and WS are able to handle it. More often than not, it doesn't work and a complete and total break is needed.

I hope that you get into IC to help you cope with all of this. I know that this isn't how you wanted things to work out. Unfortunately, you can't make him want to do the hard work that it takes to R and you can't R all on your own. It takes two people who are both willing to do whatever it takes for R to even be possible. Given the fact that your WS wasn't even willing to change jobs, I think that shows you how badly any attempt to R would have gone if he had stuck around for it. His choice to leave soon may very well have spared you a lifetime of additional pain and cheating.

I really appreciate everyone's support and input here, but as much as I understand all of it, that I am much better off without him. I feel stuck wishing he would just snap out of it. Why can't I let go?

Last night, I finally stopped responding to his "I love you" but only found myself responding to it again this morning. I can't help how I feel just like he can't help how he feels.

I genuinely believes that for a really long time since D-Day he wanted us to work, but due to the whole work situation, he's unable to let go of his feelings. I know many of you said NC is necessary for reconciliation and I absolutely agree but he can't just quit his job. I, myself, wouldn't do that if I was in his shoes, especially when he's been looking for a job for a few months. It would be even harder to find a job when he is jobless!

I know I need to stop thinking "what if this" and "what if that". But the reality is, he couldn't find a job, and we don't know when he will.

I don't know what to do...

My WH cheated on me ONS while we were dating, I forgave him, 6 weeks after we got married I found out he was having an EA/PA with another woman, I forgave him. 17 years later he has been having an affair with a co-worker, take everyone's advice do not walk, RUN away from this man!!! I know it is hard but like everyone says you do not have children, get out before you have even more invested in this man. I love my WH with all of my heart but I wish I would have gotten out a long time ago, I could have saved my heart and my children a lot of heartache.

Update: I did some digging around and found out that he went to check out the apartment with the OW. No, he isn't moving in with her. I found his application, he was looking for a studio for himself only, but the fact that he invited her to go check it out with him... First of all, he is not supposed to have any contact with her outside of work (I am really really upset about this). And second of all, it means he is clearly still talking to her about us which is NOT ok.

He didn't end up getting the place but he applied for it but the first applicant got the place. So, clearly he was planning to leave.

My question is... I am feeling all sort of emotions... upset, furious, disappointed, etc. Do I confront him about this?

It's been 2 weeks since this happened and things have been easy since then. I don't know what's in his head... if not getting the place kicked him back into gear or not. Don't know...

He's being nice, so you make things easy for him...until he gets a new place to live.

He took her with him, so she would see he was actually leaving you.

I'm sorry.

Is his name on the lease? Is yours?

(((Grayday)))

Both of our names are on the lease.

Read the 180..and put it into practice immediately.

He's an ass.