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Blossom4Leigh I appreciate you speaking up for Wishes. I can see a friendship there? I agree with others, you must stay and help keep us calm.......

T/J

Blossom, were you both WS and BS in your current relationship?

T/J

DG, I too believe IC would greatly benefit you. You did not escape your childhood unscathed. KISA is written all over your posts, but mostly in this second thread.

You can't fix Wishes.

Strength

confused615 This is a public service announcement. you are at your PM limit.

I too applaud Blossom for trying to help Wishes.

Thank you DoneGone.. She and I could benefit each other greatly. I just can't stand seeing either one of you beat up so badly. I could not remain silent.

I really like your last post. That was another reason I came on was to let everyone know you were answering to the very best of your ability. I am glad it was a release for you and are doing so well.

Have you had time to consider how you would have changed things during that time for which you are apologizing for?

Thank you Western, you know where my heart is.

5454real... no, I was a WS in my previous marriage, but it did not end because of it. I too was ruptured later in that relationship, eight years later, which I'm sure some of you would consider an affair on his part. I was the BS in my current relationship of which we have recovered and are doing very well.

[This message edited by Blossom4Leigh at 8:48 AM, March 29th (Tuesday)]

5454real Well, we could all use a little fine tuning.

TY for the clarification Blossom. It helps clarify where you are coming from.

DG, as a KISA myself, oh boy is that true.

Thanks,DG. It's taken care of. I rarely open the main forum page, so it takes awhile before I notice I have private messages. I need to work on that.

DG...That feeling when you see somebody in a situation where they have a partial handle on things, but are missing what is obvious to an informed outside perspective? However they are so close to naïve about their situation that you lack confidence that they will make wise choices for themselves and those around them.

You. Need. IC.

SI is a great place to get perspective and support, but it is not the same as a trained professional counsellor. You reached out here, why not to an IC?

[This message edited by antlered at 9:19 AM, March 29th (Tuesday)]

Blossom4Leigh, if you are friends with DG and Wishes now, why don't you just contact them by email, or PM or however else you contacted them instead of doing it in front of the forum.

It feels so strange, like you are having a private conversation in public, just to get attention and feel special.

Add to that you are threatening to quit two forums, claiming you and a dysfunctional couple were abused by the forum members when they and you have not been abused.

All three of you have flaunted secret knowledge, which you refuse to share. You have told the forum members who have been trying to help the OPs on both forums that they just don't know what you know, so their opinions and input is not valid.

So why are you and they here? DG came to get help. Wishes went to the other site to get help. You jumped onto both threads to push people who were just trying to get the whole picture away from them, using the secret knowledge as your weapon. We're here to help, which we cannot do without the necessary information.

Are you still in counseling, Blossom4Leigh? You are exhibiting unhealthy behaviors. Calling people abusive for merely disagreeing with you, KISA behaviors, threatening to quit both forums which have helped you in your own growth.

3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.

5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.

taken from: http://www.adultchildren.org/lit/Laundry_List.php

DG, it's no surprise that you are feeling better and less angry right now. You seem to have accepted responsibility for being the 'match that lit the flame', and so now, since you've identified yourself as being the main instigator in this whole disaster you'll be able to control things from here on out by just not doing <that'thing'> anymore.

For instance, you cannot accept any blame for how the CA employee situation played out. Maybe it was completely innocent conversation, but maybe it wasn't. You made the best decision that you could based on the only information that you had to go on at that time. You can't now go back and *insert* later-acquired information (that may or may not be correct) and call yourself an asshole.

The level of manipulation that has occurred to have you accepting responsibility for another person's actions and feelings is making me feel physically ill.

Your WW is a grown-up and it is time for her to start acting like one. If I go by the story as told here -- CSA, "allowing" you to put her in a bad situation, etc. -- then it seems that she needs more counseling than an internet friend or 1x/wk counselor can provide. She needs 30/60/90 days of in-house, intensive counseling.

If your wife has the level of emotional damage that has been implied, then all that you and Blossom are doing by coming here and "speaking for" your WW is enabling her and keeping her "sick."

Blossom4Leigh, if you are friends with DG and Wishes now, why don't you just contact them by email, or PM or however else you contacted them instead of doing it in front of the forum.

It feels so strange, like you are having a private conversation in public, just to get attention and feel special. I cannot control how it feels to you or anyone here.

Add to that you are threatening to quit two forums, claiming you and a dysfunctional couple were abused by the forum members when they and you have not been abused. I am still considering leaving both because these threads are so toxic. If you don't think abuse has happened on this thread we are not reading the same thread with all due respect.

All three of you have flaunted secret knowledge, which you refuse to share. You have told the forum members who have been trying to help the OPs on both forums that they just don't know what you know, so their opinions and input is not valid. It wasn't flaunting, that is mischaracterization.

So why are you and they here? DG came to get help. Wishes went to the other site to get help. You jumped onto both threads to push people who were just trying to get the whole picture away from them, using the secret knowledge as your weapon. We're here to help, which we cannot do without the necessary information. Again mischaracterization of "pushing people away." I know you can't give accurate help without that information. It does not mean my help here was a weapon. I'm sorry it felt that way to you. That is not what I am attempting to do at all.

Are you still in counseling, Blossom4Leigh? You are exhibiting unhealthy behaviors. Calling people abusive for merely disagreeing with you I have been in therapy and in ACOA a long time and still am and have come to understand abusive attitudes when I see them. I do not mind disagreement. Its abusive attitudes I disagree with. , KISA behaviors, threatening to quit both forums which have helped you in your own growth.

3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.

5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.

taken from: http://www.adultchildren.org/lit/Laundry_List.php

I am very familiar with ACOA.

There's been a whole bunch of back and forth on who did what to whom, instigations, reactions, blah blah blah. Not to minimize it, but it's all one big thread jack.

Here are the issues as I see them:

1) DG and Wishes had issues in their marriage that could have been handled better. Both DG and Wishes are at fault for how it all went down.

2) Wishes chose to cheat and betray her marriage to DG. Full stop.

3) In response, DG held onto his anger, reacted in some poor ways and divorced Wishes.

4) Now, both DG and Wishes need therapy and healing.

5) As far as the two of them getting back together again - who the fuck knows?

The only issues that truly matter here are #2 and #4 and without addressing those two, #5 is irrelevant.

DG:

- What work has Wishes done to understand why she chose to betray your marriage?

- What actions is she taking to address those underlying issues?

- How is she making herself a safe partner for whomever she may end up with in the future?

- What are you doing to control your anger issues?

- If you two do discuss getting back together, how do you ensure all of the above is put into place so you can address them together and get comfortable they are being handled effectively?

- What work are you doing on those issues that were prevalent prior to this whole episode?

Basically, it's not about telling stories or who did what to whom. It's about work and actions and effort. Spread the blame, there's plenty to go around. Who cares? What matters is what you all are doing about it now.

Basically, it's not about telling stories or who did what to whom. It's about work and actions and effort. Spread the blame, there's plenty to go around. Who cares? What matters is what you all are doing about it now.

Exactly broken and Walloped...

Basically, it's not about telling stories or who did what to whom. It's about work and actions and effort. Spread the blame, there's plenty to go around. Who cares? What matters is what you all are doing about it now.

I think it would be good if posters would stop making this about me, this is about DG and their situation and I bring valid experience to this situation.

[This message edited by Blossom4Leigh at 11:57 AM, March 29th (Tuesday)]

That is the problem with this whole thread. People inserting themselves into something, a marriage of two people and how that derailed, that isn't about them. Two different internet support forums get involved. People in each forum bickering back and forth about who is really to blame.

This thread is posted in the Just Found Out section, I'm confused about who this thread helps?

Blossom is right. It's not about her and shouldn't be made to be. She's only trying to be helpful and I think that's great.

I am wondering if DG should not get this thread moved to divorce/separation. He needs coping mechanisms right now.

It's no longer JFO and we can see where everyone stands on 'who is to blame' but it's where it goes from here at this point that matters IMO

brokenblackbird

This thread is posted in the Just Found Out section, I'm confused about who this thread helps?

Good point. I didn't know where else to post it. I am not the Wayward, we are not in Reconciliation. I did think about General but wasn't sure if it belonged there.'

DoneGone, you are welcome to post in whichever forum you feel you will get the most support. General and D/S are open to you as well. You are also free to continue posting here if you wish.

It is completely at your discretion based on your comfort levels.