SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes, condonation. During the first divorce, I was advised to change my original filing grounds from Adultery to Irreconcilable because I slept with him and stayed with him after I had knowledge of the affair.

I sometimes cringe when I read that HB is taking place after Dday, before some legal work has been started. Yes, it's a natural reaction but if things don't work out, the BS loses a bit of legal leverage.

Sending you mojo, luck, and prayers for court today.

Have a chat to your lawyer but since she was sleeping on the couch and you stayed for your children I would say that you weren't "voluntarily cohabitated" but were separated under the same roof.

I agree

The settlement conference went very well, For me at least.

My Stbxw was awakened to the fact that I will not be paying spousal support

child support will be much lower than she was expecting--due to a 50/50 custody split which is the best she can hope for

I will not be obligated to helping her pay expenses until she goes back to work.

I will not be liable to help her get a new car.

She will be responsible for her portion of the household bills from my filing date until she moves out.

She will have to repay me out of her half of the house proceeds for her car payments, her car insurance, her half of family debt accumulated during the marriage.

All of the sudden, she was crying and asking how this could be? this isn't fair? why do I have to pay him anything ?how am I supposed to live? what am I supposed to drive?

My lawyer responded..... What did you expect to happen when you out having your affair?

She took off out of state after the conference. I picked up the kids. She is now staying at her moms.

Who would have thought..... All of the sudden the real world came knocking and she didn't expect any visitors today.

That is good news.

Shouldn't her attorney have told her how this would play out? Or was this a surprise?

lol - that gave me a chuckle. apparently she didn't think this through. it's amazing how in lala land they can be.

what did she say when your attorney asked her that question?

What did you expect to happen when you were out having your affair?

I'm glad it went as well as it could for you, blink. She has treated you so badly. What a reality check the day was for her! That must have been satisfying when your Attorney made that remark!

YAY for YOU, Blink ! I cannot imagine her attorney was telling her she would 'get' everything she asked for. Did her attorney not prepare her or did she just not listen ? Whatever, so glad for you ! Your settlement is far more 'fair' than mine was in spite of xh lying, cheating, mismanaging finances (which he gladly admitted during our hearing). This has to be a huge weight off your shoulders. Here's hoping she will stay at her mother's. Do you have to sell your house / move or can you stay in it ?

She had no response to my attorneys question. I am not sure if her lawyer didn't prepare her or told her just what she wanted to hear. It all came down to the law and she had no argument for anything she was asking for. Custody time dictates child support. 50 50 even with our income gap means under $300 a month

Spousal support is a no deal since she admitted adultery. My attorney did throw a dig in their about numerous times and stbxw got mad and loud saying it was onky one man. Which the attorney explained she meant more than one sexcapade.

I will keep the house, just have to buy her out and modify the loan. It will be tough for a year or two until my son gets to high school. Which gives me two years until daughter starts college.

Stbxw did come back from wherever she went and picked up some stuff, then left, came back, then left, came back and left again. Seems like a woman without a country.

your wife is going to think about this for a couple of days. Then, I wouldn't be surprised if she made an attempt to reconcile with you. Now, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be tempted to reconcile. But I would be tempted to try to get more truth.

If she says, what can I do to change your mind? I'd say, well, I'm not saying it would necessarily change things, but it might help if you actually told me the truth about everything you did. If you can't do that, I wish you well wherever you end up.

after all the nonsense and evil and selfishness she's done to you, I would be tempted to let her feel a little of the same pain. But maybe that's just being petty.

The smart move is really to just move on and not waste anymore time or thought or emotion on her. You've got a good plan. Keep the house, keep the kids. As you said, it might be tight for a few years, but you'll make it. And I know the relief you will feel when she's gone. You're doing well Blink.

I've been following your situation since the beginning. This did go well. I am very happy for you, under the circumstances. As encouragement, I have 3 kids and am now a single dad since the divorce. I thought this was going to be harder. But now that I look back, i was a single dad while I was married, x was so checked out. If I can do this, I know you can. Things are very tight but I budget and meal plan. You don't know me, but root for you every day!

RooMMate

REALITY!!!!! Now the unicorns and golden rainbows are gone.

Be prepared. Bet she comes back wanting to work it all out next.

Tell her you gave her what she wanted. Freedom.

Do the kids even want to live with her?

Stbxw did come back from wherever she went and picked up some stuff, then left, came back, then left, came back and left again. Seems like a woman without a country.

Her turn to ride the roller coaster.

Your thoughts at this time?

[This message edited by Marc878 at 12:53 AM, June 7th (Tuesday)]

WOW. Sucks to be her!

I'm glad things went well for you yesterday. Ever onward. What happens now? Is there more legal crap to be dealt with or a waiting period of some sort before your divorce is final?

My kids would never say they did not want to live with her on at least a part time basis. neither would give up on her... something that runs in the family as I could never either. I've learned that I can't make it work for me so it became apparent to move on. So the kids would accept somewhere close to a 50 50.

Next up is some documentation, agreeing on the property split, of which there is not much, re-doing the mortgage, and waiting for her August 1 move date. That was what she committed to yesterday. I wrote it down on my legal pad and underlined it and she of course grabbed a pen and started making notes. Before that point in the discussion she just sat there. it was funny for me to see.

Right now, R is the furthest from her mind. She did come back last night sometime after 11. Was roaming around the house all night and is on the couch again right now. This late night stuff makes me a little uneasy. What is she up to? Where is she coming and going to? Why roaming through the house? Why not just leave? etc?

Don't know if I have a legal leg to do something about this.

if she does make any attempt to speak with me it would make me want more truth. The end is near and I'm not turning away but I would like to know more. I feel a bit cheated out of my pound of flesh since I won't get to bring everyone into court and discuss the affair. But, I'm getting what I wanted so I have to let that go.

Wow I'm always so happy to read about a BS that gets a good deal in the end.

Was roaming around the house all night and is on the couch again right now. This late night stuff makes me a little uneasy. What is she up to? Where is she coming and going to? Why roaming through the house? Why not just leave? etc?

My theory is that she's like a cat on a hot tin roof. She doesn't have a plan and she can't sit still in order to formulate one. Remember she was the prize, she had two men "fighting" over her (you didn't know about OM)...she is the best thing that ever happened to you... how can she suddenly be homeless, broke, with no car... and that is her future. She could have been roaming texting OM and anyone else she can think of.

From the start I've tried to understand why your WW would do some of the things she does. That they go against what a rational person would do... I've come to the conclusion that she does what she wants and you and the kids taking care of things for her. Late for pick-ups, drop-offs, quitting job, buying super expensive car... She does what she wants and you do what you do to make things work out for the family....

Things didn't "work out" for her all of the sudden and she's confused.

Wondering if the kids might have some codependency issues they will need to deal with in counseling...They should not feel responsible for fixing mom's bad choices and they should be able to address their issues with her (late pick-ups...) without fear they will be the cause of her depression.

You might be able to work out a deal through your lawyer to get her to move out earlier. Meaning, you would pay the down payment on her new apartment and she would not have to pay the household expenses... or that you would advance her part of the house money if she moved in with her Mom earlier.... or whatever. I agree that getting her out of the house ASAP would healthier for you and the kids.

[This message edited by Freeme at 2:56 PM, June 8th (Wednesday)]

I agree with Freeme. I've been wondering what was going on with your wife. She doesn't seem to act rationally. Even a WS intent on leaving tends to act rationally, selfishly. But your wife seems to act without any concern for consequences. She doesn't seem to put 1 and 2 together to come up with 3. She shouldn't have been surprised at the outcome of your conference. A rational person would have worked everything out and knew what was coming and made appropriate plans. The law in your state certainly hasn't changed.

I'm a little concerned about the aimless roaming around your house at night as well. People who aren't really in touch with reality sometimes do dangerous, desperate things when reality shows up. As much fun as it would be to finally rub some salt in her wound, I think it's better to just quietly get her out of the house.

But, I'm getting what I wanted so I have to let that go.

You said everything right there. Keep thinking strategically. Get what you want. Try to ease her out without any drama.

But then....once everything is signed, I hope you report her AP to the school board. I know your lawyer was advising you to wait until the divorce was final before exposing. I hope you expose when the time comes. There's no reason why he should get off scot free.

Hang in there. You'll get there.

I agree with Mike7; blow up his effin' world. The nerve!

Your wife has been living in fantasy land. She has kept contact with the OM and he has been feeding her all the positive things she needs. She is also getting help from her mom. This has served her well until yesterday. Your now seeing her learn first hand everything they have said is not true and its not going to be ok like she thought. She is probably running back and forth to the OM to talk to him about these results. Don't worry they will just come up with some lame reason as to why the courts are siding with you. My xW did the same thing. I must have paid them off.

Just like Mike said and others have as well. Once your divorce is done you need to Expose him. I wouldn't just write a letter. I would make a full effort to really get the word out. I would have packets made up for each member of the school board. I would send this also to his schools administration office. If you have access to the schools superintendent he or she would get a copy as well. I would then print up flyers and pass them out to all the people walking in his school. Every Mother. Every Father. I would make sure the OM's Job was gone before the day was up. I would probably go so far to send it to the local paper on how the school allows employees to use school property for affairs with married women.

I would then just set back and watch his whole world burn. Every time my stbxW came or called I wouldn't respond to her at all. I would just smile. She would know for that moment she would never have the best of me again.

I guess I am a scorched earth kind of guy. :)

C

They should not feel responsible for fixing mom's bad choices and they should be able to address their issues with her (late pick-ups...) without fear they will be the cause of her depression.

Freeme has a very important point. Address this early, openly, and often. They need to know this. They are not responsible for her or her feelings.

Very happy for you, Mblink. You were served a shit sandwich. You looked at it, smelled it, then slid it off your plate into the garbage.

Here is to your continued healing.