SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I did not tell anyone because I did not want to. If I were to divorce him I would have told people but because we decided to R I felt it best not to let people know. Understandably, they would never look at him the same way.

My cousin's sister was cheated on and every time I see the "cheating" husband I am disgusted and no longer engage in conversation with him. Like most everyone, we avoid him.

There is no question that for me not telling was the best decision.

I told both my sisters the night of DDay. Also called and told my mother, who told my father. I knew I was going to need my family to be there for me through this.

I also made him tell our sons on DDay why he was leaving (I wouldn't let him stay in the house for the first 2 days after DDay).

I made him call his mother to tell her after I found out that he was still in contact with OW (FIL has long passed). I sent a text to WH's sister telling her. MIL called me shortly after he told her to lend her support. I knew if push came to shove and we D'd, she'd always be there for WH (hey, I'm a mom, I would too), but that gracious woman was appalled at what he had done and told him that he had disgraced his family's name, and that late FIL would be so disappointed in him. That one really started opening his eyes to the depth of his betrayal and was the catalyst to coming out of his fog.

So, yeah, I pretty much told anybody that would listen. And I don't regret it one bit.

ETA: My family has always been supportive, and were going to be there for me whether we D'd or R'd. Since DDay2, he has apologized to everyone in my immediate family and they treat him no different than before his A. We are a very forgiving family and believe in second chances. But not third ones!

I told lots of people. I went straight round and told his parents as soon as I found out, partly because I wanted to gauge their reaction as to whether they already knew or not. Then I went home and told my parents. I told my sister that weekend, and several friends, the kids' schools....

At first I told lots of people because in my mind we were definitely finished so I didn't care who knew what he'd been up to.

We're still together but I don't regret telling people. I can't imagine NOT telling people. The state I was in for several month after, I can't imagine what story I would have had to come up with to cover it all up.

Plus there's no point. I did nothing wrong.

The "first time around," most if my friends knew.

Small town, rumor mill, etc.

And, of course, I spilled it all anyway!

They were very supportive.

It was so out of character that they all supported giving him a chance. He did stay NC for 18 months.

The second time around, I discovered the loving emails and was so blindsided I was sure my marriage was over. I emailed both older brothers right away because I thought I would need moral and legal support.

Then, told Mom, and friends again.

Everyone has been supportive (in a kick his ass sort of way). They've all known him for a long time. Know the person we all came to love wasn't the man who did this.

It was good because he had to face each person and apologize. Humbling.

Sometimes I wish no one knew because of some sense of "the tainted marriage." But, if they didn't, I wouldn't have had such tremendous support.

The first year after, I didn´t tell anyone. I am pretty sure people noticed something being wrong with me but no one every asked. First one I told was my sister. She supported me from the get go.

After my ExH filed I told my closest friend. I got support from her too.

After the D was final I met my inlaws for the last time. I told them everything. I told them what their son did to our family. The "real" reason we divorced. My Ex only told his parents that we didn´t get a long. That we had problems for a long time. Not sure if my inlaws were just faking it but they both seemd disappointed in him. But you know...blood is thicker then water.

I also told my mom about him cheating after our divorce.

I did not tell my parents. I knew I wanted to try R, and a) if it worked, I didn't want to have to deal with them knowing once things were better, b) my sister's marriage broke down because of infidelity a few years ago and my mother was SO STRESSED OUT by it. (She lost weight and the whole bit.) So, I didn't want to put her through that (or have to manage/feel responsible for her anxiety) unless it was necessary (i.e., if we were divorcing).

I did tell my sister. My first instinct was not to tell anyone, but my IC insisted I needed some real-life support, and given that my sister had experienced it, she seemed the most likely to understand what I was going through. I also really worried about things like people assuming there was something wrong with me if he was cheating and so on (actually, I doubt anyone I know would hold this opinion, but I worried about it), and I knew that someone who had been cheated on wouldn't fall into that camp.

It's possible my parents suspect, though. I lost a lot of weight, and attributed it to stress when asked (I feel a superstitious resistance to lying, so couldn't bring myself to say it was dieting). My sister said that my mom commented on WH and I behaving differently around each other (actually, it was WH's higher levels of affection that she noticed).

I told everyone and even my coworkers but told them to not pursue any kind of punishment for both of them (most of my co-workers were friends and my superiors) The first thing it did for me is realize that I wasn't the one who caused the cheating, at first I did not believe that I was not the cause of cheating but both my own parents and hers told me the truth, all the things I did for her DAILY, all the work I ever did for her and the least I deserved was not to be cheated on. The second thing it did was wake up my EX WW, she had no one to fall back on except some of her friends who were supportive of her affair, and everytime she felt "guilty" and she went to talk to her parents her parents would call her out on her shit. So yes It did help alot.

Thank you all so much for your responses. It's been a really interesting read.

I chose not to tell my parents because we were working on R and I know they would treat him differently and it would have complicated matters.

I did tell two select friends, and their support has been so helpful.

When I think of telling my parents I feel shame and anxiety over their disappointment. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but it's there.

Weaponofchaos, i love your tag line.

It's between my WW and I alone, I have some online "friends" who know but not my family nor hers. Mainly because assuming we can reconcile I don't want it to reflect on her, Also because it would shed light on aspects of our lives that I'm not wanting to make public (even family) knowledge.

If we divorce I probably would tell others but as long as she's doing the work and we're working on R I'll keep it to me our therapist and those online friends.

I know that people will say that it's not my job to protect her and that she wasn't doing a great job of protecting me when she was cheating. But two wrongs do not make a right she dropped the ball when it came to protecting me, that doesn't mean that I have to drop the ball when it comes to protecting her.

It helps that she didn't have any foggy time or spend any time pining over her APs, and that she's been kissing my ass ever since.

I told her parents, my parents, my friends, and anyone else I felt like telling. Her friends were all toxic, alcoholic, adulterer's who also destroyed their own families and marriages and were actively helping her keep fantasyland a secret from me and my children. Her parents were disgusted with what she had done.

I didn't tell anyone for years....my daughter knew...my son suspected...I have no family in this state...

I have never had a good relationship with the inlaws...they are far away, and we see them once a year....I didn't see the point...I was sure they would use it against me...I felt alone...I felt suffocated, in not talking about it...

When my H became seriously ill, I had to discuss it...I did finally tell his family...I was surprised at how much better I felt....it was good to get it off my chest, they held him on a pedestal...I was surprised how they did not side with him...I wish I has said something earlier, but the illness is probably what had most to do with it...they were understanding for awhile...as his illness progresses, they are less patient, and things have been said...I'm sure due to stress...

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 5:16 PM, July 3rd (Sunday)]

Thanks Olive

I also wish you the best of luck for both the improving of yourself, your husband and your relationship, and not only like my tag line but also apply it to your life sister we are all in this together.

I have told one friend that we both have been friends with for 25+ years.

No one else other than the Pro's,(MC,IC's,MD,and priest), know about any of it.

It has worked out very well for us that it is a secret.

IF we had been unable to start down the road to R, I would have told the world, with a press conference,E-mail blast,skywriting, smoke signals and telethapy.

I told her on the morning of D-day#2 that exposure would happen if my requirements were not met.

I told ALL of my people and none of hers. Two of the most supportive were the girls at the gas station I buy my Diet Coke at every morning. :-) Now that she and AP2 are openly together on FB, there is another level of humiliation, but I can't do much about it except look at the truths in myself and who I am. I will not let her define who I am.

Would I do anything differently? Maybe. But I don't think so. I also felt like it would do more to hurt my chances of R. But the chances of R were pretty low anyway. I just didn't know it.

We told his parents so they could help us with the kids while we go to counseling. I told my best friend and onew of my cousins and her husband.

Only our son and his fiancé know because they live with us and knew something major was wrong. We told no one else.

Not interested in having future family functions become uncomfortable because of it and we are trying to r.