SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well that worked out pretty interestingly. One year and 1,000 posts since DDay. What better time to give an update, right? I’ve said some of this to others privately, but I thought to post it here because I know you all have so much wisdom to offer. And apologies in advance for the length and for my stream of consciousness style.

I’ll cut right to the chase. I wish I could say everything is rosy and honky dory and peaches and cream, but it’s not. I've changed a great deal in the past year and unfortunately not for the better. I am quieter, more withdrawn, and at times bitter, sad, and angry. Not all at one time and it's not pervasive, but I was a very happy person a year ago. I am much less so now. The past three months have been affair season and it hit me a great deal harder than I thought it would. Because depending on the day, it would hit me that exactly one year ago she was out having sex with her AP. Without a care for me or our family. As long as she got hers, and damned the consequence or the pain she caused. I know intellectually that it’s really not like that. That it wasn’t about us or me, etc., but that doesn’t really help me much.

Let me say that my wife, to give her credit, has done everything humanly possible to help R along. She’s been in IC for nearly a year. We learned a great deal. Her FOO issues, her desire/”need” for validation and approval. Her pregnancy and subsequent miscarrying our twins a few months before she started her relationship with her AP. The possible impact of all that. The sense of loss as well as the chemical imbalance that can cause. Grief. Our daughter’s marriage (by the way, said daughter is expecting our first grandchild this fall!) and what that meant to her in light of our losing our babies. How we communicate. How we interact. Our love languages. We’ve been busy.

We are intimate again, although not like we were – there is timidity there. Not quite apprehension, but a certain level of carefulness – like we are both holding back. Me, because I don’t know that I trust her or myself to be that vulnerable again. Her, because she’s taking cues from me, perhaps? Doesn’t want to force the issue? Remember, it was over 7 months from DDay before we had sex to begin with so I kind of get it. I still have mind movies, but they're not as debilitating as before. Just painful. Sex sometimes does not go very well as those thoughts intrude - knowing what she did with him. What she shared with him that will never be just for us anymore. I trigger. A lot.

We talk. She initiates conversation and things to do together. She tells me everything about her life now and asks after mine. She’s been interviewing for a job as well. She doesn’t berate herself anymore. But she does reference her affair and how it has impacted me and our family and how she wants to do whatever she can to help ease my hurt and pain. She doesn’t wait for or expect me to tell her I love her (tough question that - I think I do but it’s hard to focus on it). She just tells me she loves me and shows it. She goes the extra mile for me in her way; quietly, without fanfare. She knows my love language is action and so she makes sure to do those things that will let me know that she’s thinking of me and that she loves me. I do appreciate all she’s doing and tries to do.

But despite all of the above, I haven’t been in a good place in a while. For a few months now actually. I don't know if I've been depressed exactly, but lethargic is a good term. I gained 15 pounds. I hate it. I loathe myself like this. I'm slim. Or I was. 15 pounds? I can't remember when I was like this. But I don't have the wherewithal to run and exercise. No motivation. I'm also angry. Not at my wife per se. I don't yell or berate her or say nasty things. I just withdraw and become quiet or morose. My wife deals with my moods differently depending on something - I haven't quite figured out what yet. At times, she’s like a little bunny rabbit, scared of the slightest provocation and she'll stay away from me and give me space. Other times she’ll ask me to share my thoughts with her. To tell her what I’m feeling. To let it out and unload on her if I need to. Or, she'll come over to me and just hug me and tell me how much she loves and how sorry she is she hurt me like this and did this to me and to us. And then she’ll try and get me involved in something else so I don’t fall into a deep funk. And sometimes we do one and other times the other. And that's all fine and dandy, but at the end of the day, when all is said and done all I'm left with is basically an "I'm sorry. I'll never do it again." But it's already been done, right? Horses and barn doors and stables and all that.

So I think this is on me. Whether her affair is in fact a deal breaker for me. Honestly, I don’t know what I’m expecting. Not to hurt anymore? But maybe I’m expecting too much too soon. Am I simply too early in the 2-5 year timeframe? Tell me.

Basically I need a swift kick in the pants because I'm in a mode of questioning whether this is all worth it or not. That I'll drag this out for another year or two and then determine that it's still a no go for us. And then why the hell would I torture myself over the next few years if the result might very well be the same anyway? I chose R because I wanted my family back. I wanted my wife back. My family was the most important thing in the world to me and I wanted us back. But maybe that's not realistic. Or maybe that's just not good enough of a reason anymore. And perhaps my wife is gone, or at least the person I thought she was is gone and now there’s this new person and I’m not sure she’s someone I really want. Or maybe this was who she was all along and it took her affair for me to find that out? What I do know now is that I had her up on a pedestal that while she deserved for some things, in the end she’s human just like the rest of us. Eyes open I guess.

I don’t think things are as bad as reading this might lead you to believe. We do have good days and good times and I’m not always like what I’ve described, but still...

So, is this normal? To feel this way? Is my recent funk because of affair season? Symptomatic of something else? Any thoughts, resetting my expectations, similar or contrasting experiences, 2x4’s, advice, etc., would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks as always.

I don't have any advice.... I'm only about 10 months out from D Day but I was drawn to your post because I often feel the same way. WS continues to grow and change for the better yet I feel like this insecure shell of who I used to be. I feel the love from him yet at the same time I constantly doubt it. I have to tell him often that it's not him, it's me... as cliche as that may sound. Then he does the whole, no it is me because I put you where you're at with my actions. Can't really argue with that. I want to remain hopeful because I really believe things can continue to be great between us but I feel like I'm biding my time or something, waiting for WH to eventually throw away my feelings and my heart once again. Anyways I just felt compelled to say something even if not useful because I wanted to say you're not alone. Hopefully someone further along can say something to give us a little more hope... and a way to get our confidence back? I think a lot of the problem is that despite what they are doing now we can't get past the way they made us feel like we weren't good enough (I know that's not why they did it but it doesn't change how it makes betrayed spouse feel) so what makes us good enough to make them go so above and beyond now? Maybe it's just too soon to accept the changes yet? I hope that's all it is...

[This message edited by NikkiK at 9:40 AM, August 3rd (Wednesday)]

Is it normal? I think so...perfectly normal. Rooting for you walloped....

Walloped.....I'll post in a bit.....I'm on my way home from work. Our WW stories and time frames uncannily similar.

Walloped. I truly appreaciate your update.

More than read I have studied your threads. I think I know part of them by memory.

Please forgive my basic English, I speaks Spanish as first language.

You said: "I chose R because I wanted my family back. I wanted my wife back."

What you had is gone. Broken and shattered. You are building something completely different and new. What you and your family went through is a life changing experience. Your a not the same person. She is not the same person, so you can't have the same relationship.

It’s important to remember that there is no way to 100% guarantee that your partner will never cheat again. And I think that in your words I feel something of this. You are not willing to completely forgive what she did and move on. It seems you are holding back, standing in a kind of limbo of demi-reconciliation. You can’t control your wife’s decisions. However, you can choose whether or not to trust your partner again. At some point, whenever you are ready, you will have to open yourself to the risk to trust her and being hurted again.

Considering all you went through are you going to IC? I think maybe you should consider it.

Take care of yourself. Focus in healing yourself.

Thanks for theupdate

I wanted you to know I have thought of you every day for the past few weeks. I remembered your timeline. I suspected you were struggling. For what its worth there are people out the wishing you godspeed in your journey to being un a place where you are OK with you again, feel joy or just carefree flow, whatever form that place takes.

Maybe I do have one thought for you. I nearly PMed you about this but the thought is still half baked at best and I have trouble explaining it. But it is something I am struggling with that I think might apply to you.

I've come to realize that I lived life from my teens to my 40s as a Romantic. I mean that very particularly in the literary sense, which has nothing to do with romance la flowers and cards and date night.

I mean more what this guy says:

"in the realm of ethics, politics, aesthetics Romanticism was the authenticity and sincerity of the pursuit of inner goals that mattered; this applied equally to individuals and groups."

I have always been trying to make life Mean Something. Make jobs into Callings, not just jobs. Make my hobbies into Causes, not just pleasant ways to spend some time. And make my marriage into a Great Story of Love.

Over and over again I have fallen into a crisis when these things obstinately persisted on being jobs, and hobbies, and a flawed union of two flawed people. I was looking for Meaning for my life in these things. For ego kibble for of from these things. I kept asking the world "What can Owl6118 do that is important, or meaningful, or would reassure him that he mattered." I never knew how to ask "What makes Owl6118 happy." I am not sure I knew what tbe question meant until very recently.

So where the F--- am I going with this? I guess I am asking, was Marriage and Family and Husbandhood your Romantic Moby Dick, your White Whale? Were they the thing you looked to that told you you had worth and you had meaning?

Becuase if so, that would go a long way toward outlining the nature of the reason you are stuck. You can save a marriage, and a family. But you can not have back that marriage that you had in your head, the marriage that was a Great Work of Art, your secret pride. You protected and valued a Romantic ideal and tried to make it real. For you it was real. Your wife either never shared that ideal in the same way, or at some point lost that ideal. You were in the same marriage in the daily world, but you were not invested in the same Ideal.

Where I'm at, I kinda want to let Romantacism go. I have in fact declared war on it. I have come to see how trying to derive meaning from the external things, these grand edifices of Meaning, has led me to hurt and self-hurt over and over. But I am having trouble knowing what will--replace that.

I have the love of a real flawed woman, not a Special Snowflake. And I am not a Special Snowflake. She loves me. She does not always get me, or I her. She does not always speak my love language, or I hers. And there are times when her coping mechanisms directly prevent her giving me what I need most. And I am sure the same is true from me to her.

Its a conundrum, Walloped. But somehow I see that tryong to get back to where I was -- to reflexively trying to make of this marriage of mine a Grand Love Story in which both participants were invested equally and in the same way -- won't work.

And crazy is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results.

Well, this was all a big hash and I don't know if it makes any sense at all.

But I am sure I wish you well. You are a man who wanted seemingly good simple things, and God I know you hurt.

A year out is generally still pretty bad, even if you're on a 2 year recovery schedule. What you're going through is pretty normal, from what I've seen.

No kick in the pants from me ... you need to find your own motivation. I'd bet it's there, in you, just waiting to be found again.

But like holding back in sex, it's natural to hold back in involvement in life. Being betrayed by one's W hits so hard emotionally that it has physical impact, too. I think it's virtually impossible to recover without going through a too long period in which your gut simply decides life sucks, and nothing will change that.

It's just a phase, though. Just a phase.

I chose R because I wanted my family back. I wanted my wife back. My family was the most important thing in the world to me and I wanted us back. But maybe that's not realistic.

Walloped

Both you and your wife are responsible adults. It sounds as if you have a business relationship. The “business” is your family. Is that enough?

I think that your R is much more difficult because your marriage was so good and your wife was so special. If everything had been only average then it would be easier to get your head around. Another problem is since the relationship was good you have less to focus on to improve. All that's left is "I'm sorry."

It’s like your wife is scrupulously following a cake recipe. You have to admit that she’s using all the best ingredients. The problem is at the end of the day, despite all her efforts, you don’t like the cake.

You will never get your special wife back without a frontal lobotomy. Can you dredge up some affection for this new woman you’re living with? I would put that question on the back burner until the birth of your grandchild. Just enjoy that with your wife. Then re-evaluate

[This message edited by Graywolf at 10:51 AM, August 3rd (Wednesday)]

My fww has been all in on reconciliation and worked hard to fix her mess. Even with that the first two years were just bad. I was mostly checked out for most of that time. The second year was worse than the first. Third year "improved" to the point of being 'meh' to OK'ish. Now getting close to four year and starting to see flickers of things being better. Don't know about others but that has been my experience so far.

Owl6118,

I wanted you to know I have thought of you every day for the past few weeks.

First of all, I'm touched. Truly.

Well, this was all a big hash and I don't know if it makes any sense at all.

Yes, it made sense. I can't even begin to tell you how much sense that post made. And I've read it over and over again already. And will continue to do so.

Thank you.

Graywolf,

I think that your R is much more difficult because your marriage was so good...All that's left is "I'm sorry."

Possibly. I know it's what I'm struggling with. Also, I wouldn't say we have a business like relationship - we never did. I need to accept her as she is. The person who did this and the question I have not yet answered for myself is, am I okay with being in a relationship with that person? I want to be. But I don't know if my heart or mind has caught up to that yet.

You will never get your special wife back without a frontal lobotomy. Can you dredge up some affection for this new woman you’re living with?

I know this. And there is affection. But that affection is at times overshadowed by her actions and the impact it has had on me, her, and our whole family. I also know that I don't need to answer this today.

Basically, swings in moods is normal. Long swings, particularly one in a downward trajectory is disconcerting. And I guess I don't know if that's supposed to tell me something, or, as Canoe and sisoon have said, is it just a normal phase?

Strangely, you and your wife may have something in common that I and my wife don't.

I suspect she too is, or was, a Romantic. I was struck immediately in the beginning of your story when you wrote about how publically altruistic she was, always quick to offer care and to take leadership in a good cause, how proud you were of her for that. And I cynically thought to myself "I know how THAT story ends. Dude, that's not altruism, that's insecurity. Thats searching for a Cause to plug the hole inside. Been there, done that."

Maybe this is something you and she could talk about. Maybe in the wake of this wreck she too struggles to know where to find small m- meaning after chasing Meaning led her to wreck herself. Her sense of Meaning from being a Person Who Does Good for others has to be charred crater at this point. Your sense of meaning in Duty and Honor and Fidelity eing your reward in life, your artwork, has to kinda be augered in prettynwell too.

Maybe finding a new source of small m- meaning is a road you both have to travel, initially separtely or at best in parallel, that might converge again if you can talk about it with one another.

Walloped, I just thought I'd stop by and say hello, brother. I think what you've written is pretty normal as far as surviving infidelity goes. People heal in their own way, resolving some things before others. It's not a linear process, you know?

...lethargic is a good term.

It won't last. If you're feeling exhausted, worn-out, a bit flat, perhaps a little numb, it's just par for the course, man. Sometimes people call it a plain of lethal flatness (polf). Either way, pretty normal.

Give yourself some time to chill a bit. It's okay to take a break from the work of R. It's necessary, in fact. You need to recharge your batteries, so to speak, because this shit doesn't end for a while.

As for putting on 15 pounds, well... take it back off. Eat less. Get some exercise. "Just do it."

If you don't have your health, you have nothing.

minor t/j

Owl, that was a very interesting post, about Romanticism. I'm not much of a romantic, I certainly understand the nature of it. I wanted to ask you if you've ever read Milan Kundera's "The Unbearable Lightness of Being." Walloped, I think you might find the book interesting, though it could easily have a few triggers.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 12:16 PM, August 3rd (Wednesday)]

Tried the Kundera several lifetimes ago in college and didn't make it very far. I'll put it on my list and give it another go.

Walloped, I totally understand how you are feeling at this time and my timeframe is similar to yours, so I can't tell you if what you are feeling is normal but I can say I have experienced the same funk although it comes and goes. My FWW has FOO issues (emotional neglect, physical abuse, absent father and a mother who showed little love and nurture) and teenage rape that left her with serious self esteem issues and poor coping skills. The extent of which is still being discovered, much of it new to me and some to her (blocked out). After our second child was born she developed Post Natal Depression and has been on AD for the last 13 years. Our marriage was mostly very good, until the last 3 years where after a (regretful) abortion, followed by a miscarriage a couple months later, my FWW started to go off the rails.....drinking heavily and emotionally detaching.....leading up to her A's.

Why am I telling you this?

Because our timeliness and WW troubles seem similar and I want to explain how I deal with the feelings you are experiencing.

I have researched infidelity, relationships and love extensively over the last 18 months and have found SI to be an amazing resource for knowledge, insight and strength. But I struggled to reconcile my head with my heart. My knowledge of the anatomy and psychology of Affairs and how my FWW participated in them with the betrayal of love and breaking of vows. I struggle with the fear that it will happen again and the humiliation of being disrespected so publically. The emotional pain, the trauma from intimate betrayal by our closest and deepest love is an arrow that flys straight to the deepest parts of us. It F'kin hurts.

How do I deal with the pain? How do I rationalise the most irrational of events?

1. Acceptance

2. Love

3. Forgiveness

Acceptance: I had to know the details, I have to have my questions answered and my niggling doubts over facts and specifics laid to rest. I had to get my head set straight in the first instance.

Love: Do I still love my W after all she has done? Is my W contrite and remorseful? Is she committed to change her dysfunctional beliefs, behaviours and attitudes and develop healthy coping mechanisms? Does my W love me and am I seeing it?

Forgiveness: I realised that once I had the details and realised I loved my FWW and convinced she loved me and was committed to change I searched for perhaps the hardest virtue of all...Forgiveness. it truly is a gift to yourself.....to release the anger and bitterness that eats away at your mind and poisons the heart. It has taken me a year to get there and I feel a huge sense of relief. I do not believe it is necessary for R but it speeds up the healing of you. Some BS never forgive and successfully R, some forgive and D and it's a very personal decision with no right or wrong.

I found that once I was free of the bitterness, I could change perspective and frame my mind to focus more on the present than the past....to work on repairing my M. It does not mean that I will definately stay married. That depends a lot on my FWW doing everything right and us moving in the right direction. Your W seems to be doing everything you require of her. Having faith and offering forgiveness (if you can) may help to release you from the funk.

I am by no means singing and dancing around the maypole, as I do feel the pain of the past and the fear of the future but I try to live in the present, day to day without anger and bitterness. Sorry for the long post.

Walloped, have you, perchance, read here about the concept of the Plain of Lethal Flatness? I think you are living there, brother.

Sometimes, it just takes too much effort to even give a fuck. And that's ok. It's a place many of us come to. I've come to see it as healing. One cannot sustain the level of emotional engagement as the first year of R for too long. It takes a toll. I think the POLF is a protective measure from that experience. It allows you to regroup, circle the wagons, stop CARING so freaking much, and just be. Just BE.

Allow yourself to BE.

See where you are in a month or two or three. If you still cannot care, then we take different steps. I have the feeling you'll get sick of not caring and find your way to a new path on your journey.

I am sorry it is your dday. This is the 9th anniversary of my second dday. If it helps at all, I feel nothing. It has no hold on me any more.

ETA: I'm editing to add that there is some really, really good stuff in this thread.

[This message edited by Rebreather at 2:07 PM, August 3rd (Wednesday)]

Walloped, what you have posted...so, so normal!

(Don't worry, you are still a special snow flake!)

This second year will bring better perspective.

Your answers will come.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself.

This is one time when being the solution man is counterproductive.

I have been where you are at a number of times and back again. I have questioned if R was the right thing to do and if I could find a life with this man that could be filled with love again. I have questioned my self many times and still have not come up with an alternative that is guaranteed any better. Life does not happen without some triumphs and some tragedies for everyone.

I have been suffering with a back injury lately and last night had to get out of bed for awhile and sit in my chair. I read most everything on SI, I read in the divorce and separation forum and some of the pain that I read about was very raw. I was there one time in my life and know that ending a M after infidelity brings its own pain and hardship. Ending a marriage changes how everyone acts towards each other, our children are forever impacted by our decisions.

I know now I did the right thing by R with my current H, he made some terrible choices and had some very real issues that needed to be fixed. He is a good man that did some bad things and he also has paid a price for that. I saw the difference in him from my first husband, first H was never and will never be a good partner to anyone.

Don't expect so much of yourself yet, you can not rush the healing process. You and your wife are about to become grandparents and there are few joys in life as good as that. That grandchild will give you a new perspective and gratitude that you get to share that together. I am sure it is a God given right to spoil them as much as you can. Don't let what has happened in your marriage take one single bit of enjoyment from this experience. Focus on the positive everyday. Take care.

I'm editing to add that there is some really, really good stuff in this thread.

Agree! A thousand times, agree!

Thank you all - I knew this was the right place to come to.

Walloped,

You are obviously an intelligent, capable, successful man. I suspect you make a living solving problems, overcoming obstacles, and slaying dragons, in a pretty expeditious manner. There are no dragons to slay here…just a giant shit sandwich that can’t be eaten expeditiously. Your answers will come in the fullness of time. You’re doing well.