SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Need some quick advice:

My wife is moaning about not getting to talk to one of the go girls. Pisses me off. And that is a red line. She understands and says she will not cross, but still whines about it.

Also, I checked her phone today and found that she was looking at the OMs pictures of flickr. She looked at about 100 of them 2 weeks ago. Just found out tonight. I confronted her and she said she just wanted "closure.: Sounds like complete bullshit to me and feels like another violation.

Otherwise there has been no contact (as far as I know).

I feel pissed and violated again. It hurts less because I care less. Thinking and getting closer to D.

Thoughts? Am I being too harsh?

Not too harsh at all.

Really it shows where her heart and mind really are at this point, and seem like she is likely just going through the motions.

We had a small setback like this a few months ago, so I just reminded her that if she isn't really, completely, all in then I'll get out of the M.

It got through to my fWW at that point.

Closure = Still interested in one more time.

I think you understand clearly what this means, Grizzly.

Start the 180, begin to detach from her. She is still attached to him. Separate all joint accounts, and cancel all joint credit cards. Open a new account in your name and move half of your savings there. Also have your paycheck deposited in the new account.

You need to prepare for divorce. Her staying in contact with her AP shows she is untrustworthy. You are not being to harsh. Move forward with your best interests at heart.

She needs to understand that if she even googles him it is a serious violation of NC. That obviously goes for flickr, facebook, twitter, instagram, etc.

Grizzly, I had a setback like this at the very beginning. My WW and her AP started trying to contact each other again. She started deleting emails while I was at work. Fortunately, I was getting them all on my phone while at work. It took me proving that the guy had not only cheated with her, but with damn near every girl with 2 legs within a 2 mile radius. Now she hates him. It's amazing that someone being unfaithful to them hurts them. And were supposed to suck it up...special ...snowflakes...

[This message edited by Wool94 at 4:11 AM, January 19th (Thursday)]

Grizz...

What "Ordinary Dude" stated.

Grizz, I feared we would be hearing something like this from you soon. I am sorry that she just doesn't get it.

I cant tell you how much your wife is acting like mine did. Shes whining?!? Shes got a set on her I will give her that.

Again she is really showing you how little she is remorseful. How she wants to ease your pain and help the marriage. She just is giving you little bits and pieces to fend you off and she wants to get back to her way of life.

Grizz I think you know her true colors. What does this tell you...again? I fear though unless she leaves you this torture will continue in your life.

You have to figure out your own boundries and how much wiggle room you will let your wayward have. There is not a one size fits all answer for every couple. That being said I have zero tolerance for wayward behavior from my fww. If my wayward did - including ANY whining about the loss of toxic friends or even catching a whiff of interest in AP, the divorce papers would have been filed, she would be served and I would never look back. You have to decide what you will tolerate.

She wants closure? Give it to her.

She knows it's wrong, that's why she hid it. More nice talk about how it's really not nice that she is doing things that completely destroy you? She's not a fu**ing child.

She keeps SHOWING you... will you see?

No way to live, IMHO.

I wonder why so many people try to control their spouses. Have you not told her she can do what she pleases? Truly, she can f OM on the kitchen table in front of you, it is her right under the law. You have control of yourself. You've told her what you ask, she is an adult, correct? It seems like you treat her like a child. In my opinion, it's a terrible dynamic in a marriage. Even a child could understand how hurtful it would be to view other man's images hundreds of times.

She is not with you. "I'm not with you." Can't you hear her message? Her whole lifestyle for a long time has been like this, and if she wanted to stay with you she would act like it.

Grizz, I know you read other threads here. Compare your situation to the situation of doulhurt and manualgtr. I have been here too long and I grow weary. But look, I have seen it more times than I can keep track, when you are truly ready to leave, than she will do what she wants. But you know what? I personally don't want my wife to make amends under penalty and threat of filing. And I don't control her. It would be like me trying to stop the sun from rising.

I do believe people can chsnge, but they must want to. Some WWs get an impetus when they realize they've been behaving very badly. Others get it when they've been caught and realize they might lose who they've taken for granted. Others push it right to the limit, they don't realize it until they've been filed. And some never get it. At each type of those, you must consider, where is there integrity. Aside from the lying and deception, how corrupted are they to fight against doing the right thing?

Griz, what wk55hn just posted is spot on.

I do not believe your wife is capable of monogamy. Essentially you are trying to get her to accept that which is beyond her, then you shame yourself because you can't convince her.

She lacks the introspection to realize she is not equipped for monogamy. No matter what you say to her, no matter what she says she wants, her actions tell you she is simply not capable.

It does not make her a bad person, but it makes her a terrible match for someone who strongly believes in one man with one woman.

Griz, I have said this before, but this situation is on you now. She has shown you over...and over...and over again who and what she is. She is trying to convince you that she is not, but she cannot emotionally survive without the extra ego boost from outside her marriage. You must make the decision to end this or you will forever be in limbo, brother.

You deserve better, man. But until you begin to believe that, and truly accept how broken your WW is, you will still allow her words to convince you while her actions are anything but convincing.

Praying for your strength, brother. Take care.

Read wk55hn's post a few times and let it sink in. Your never going to get her to change her thought as long as she thinks your just overseeing everything she does. That's why the just let them go letter is everything. She will have to choose herself if she really wants to recommit to the marriage.

It sounds like your pain is dragging out like mine. My WW was unremorseful, blamed me, etc.. She did nothing to assure me she stopped seeing the OM. After 4 months I separated and started NC. It has finally given me the space to think clearly about what I want. I am 2 weeks NC, one little slip up, but realize I don't know if I want the reconciliation I so desperately thought I did. I want a spouse that I can be proud of! I am a Christian and have surrendered it completely to Him. I can not fix this and it will take a miracle to fix our hearts. Stay strong.

[This message edited by BFos at 9:27 AM, January 19th (Thursday)]

At work. Read all advice. Can't respond in detail now.

But I wanted to say that you guys are totally right.

I have been treating her like a child. She has stayed away from him and the gogirl because I told her to. Not necessarily because she thinks its the right thing to do.

I can not control her.

I think I am going to set her free.

And myself too.

Thank you for your responses and your support.

I think I am going to set her free.

And myself too

That's it my friend. That's the first true step to surviving infidelity. Whether R or D.

IMHO, YMMV.

Strength

Also, I checked her phone today and found that she was looking at the OMs pictures of flickr. She looked at about 100 of them 2 weeks ago. Just found out tonight. I confronted her and she said she just wanted "closure.: Sounds like complete bullshit to me and feels like another violation.

Still. Still. Still putting herself ahead of you.

Still selfish. Still entitled. Still "special".

My wife is moaning about not getting to talk to one of the go girls. Pisses me off. And that is a red line. She understands and says she will not cross, but still whines about it.

Also, I checked her phone today and found that she was looking at the OMs pictures of flickr. She looked at about 100 of them 2 weeks ago. Just found out tonight. I confronted her and she said she just wanted "closure.: Sounds like complete bullshit to me and feels like another violation.

It's over. She crossed the boundary you set for her. There is no coming back, because if you don't divorce her immediately, she will lose her respect for you. Without respect, there can be no attraction. Without attraction, everything falls apart.

This is the end. You can put an end to it, or she will. She has to. She cannot

My wife is moaning about not getting to talk to one of the go girls. Pisses me off. And that is a red line. She understands and says she will not cross, but still whines about it.

Also, I checked her phone today and found that she was looking at the OMs pictures of flickr. She looked at about 100 of them 2 weeks ago. Just found out tonight. I confronted her and she said she just wanted "closure.: Sounds like complete bullshit to me and feels like another violation.

It's over. She crossed the boundary you set for her. There is no coming back, because if you don't divorce her immediately, she will lose her respect for you. Without respect, there can be no attraction. Without attraction, everything falls apart.

This is the end. You can put an end to it, or she will. She has to. Women in these situations never stay with a weak man.

[This message edited by french123 at 1:24 PM, January 19th (Thursday)]