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double post

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 8:16 PM, February 6th (Monday)]

And contact the other guys wife.

I have no idea why people feel the need to inform their cheating spouses they are divorcing. Really why? Have her served with papers at work. She can find out that way. Do not tell her what you plan on doing before you do it. Just do it.

At this point you need to dive into the 180 and start detaching if divorce is now your goal.

Exactly.....^^^^^^^^^^

They don't let you know they are gong to screw other people. They don't tell you when they break NC.

They don't take you into account at all.

They just do what they want.

Why should they get kid glove treatment when it comes time to divorce? Cheaters are not fragile children. They are adults. They make the rain, they cannot complain when they get wet.

Go read Spaceghosts thread and see how being served papers at work with no warning goes.

I get everyone's response about just serving her. She deserves it ten fold - I get it. But this isn't about her it's about me. That's not the type of person I am or would want to be.

At the advice of my lawyer I am going to save telling the ow for leverage in the diviorce. I don't want my wife back so there's no point right now.

It's funny I must off told her 10 times over the last 3 months that if she wants out to just tell me. I don't get it.

She won't get a D for a few reasons. For one, D is hard. She would be losing out on the money, chores, and child care you do bring to the M. She'd have everyone know it's because she cheated either because you let it out or someone else who knows. She'd have to face the personal shame that her bad choices tanked the M. That's a lot of unpleasant consequences she could avoid if she keeps pretending to R with you while keeping the OM on the back burner.

Secondly, there's no future with OM and she knows it so she doesn't want to leave you until that changes or she's just done with him. That does not mean you should stay as you already know. Getting out is definitely the best choice for you given how many boundaries you set that she crossed. All the IC and half-assed apologies in the world mean nothing if she breaks NC.

As for telling her, if you want to, drop off the kids. Drive to where ever she wants to go and then stop her and tell her you need to say something before you even leave the car. After that you can go home or have an awkward dinner or whatever you can manage. You could also insist on going back home before going out to where she has planned and dropping the bomb on her there. Just get your kids a little bit settled with the sitter so that you both have time to process this away from them.

I wouldn't tell her anything. I would make this a part of 180. Its just business from here on out. The more you talk to her the more you open yourself up to her. Why do that at all. Its not in your best interest. Focus on you and your healing.

C

I get everyone's response about just serving her. She deserves it ten fold - I get it. But this isn't about her it's about me. That's not the type of person I am or would want to be.

I did not want to serve her personally, In LA you can do it with a third party like a process sever, in person or by mail. I did it by mail sent to the place she was staying.

If I knew then what I know now I probably would have had her served at work, because that's where it began. She was business manager banging a vendor. But I was Mr Niceypants.

PS I don;t know what sort of leverage you are thinking of by not informing the OW. Keeping her in the dark just isn;t fair to her. Would you promise "not to tell" if STBXW gave you some thing you asked for?

Keeping her and OM sleazy secret is a little sleazy too.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 11:03 AM, February 7th (Tuesday)]

Telling the other man 'a wife was/is the right thing to do. Doing so would have had consequences for your wife and the Posom. Not doing somhas assured your reconciliation went nowhere. Her lover throwing her under the bus would have change her tune. Karma?

The good news is by not being truthful with the Posom 's wife , you are going to get rid of a cheater. Not following the voices of experience always ends up badly here assuming divorcing a cheater is a bad outcome.

Btw, your wife sees her boss as strong and alpha. He takes other men's wives and gets away with it. She see's you as weak and unable to fight him off. Her natural instincts are to go with strong.

Did you read the MMSLP book? What books on this subject have you read?

I think I know why you want to tell her personally and I understand. I wish I had the chance to officially serve my XW but she beat me to it and had filed. It was after she had moved out of our home and into her own apartment. The only time I would see her was to pick up the kids or at their hockey games. Each times she would over dress for the occasion, like she was flaunting her single life at my face. At the time we only "discussed" divorce and written out a temporary agreement on custody and property split. I had already been interviewing with attorneys and narrowing down my choice. If I remember correctly, about a month into the physical separation I was at one of my kids hockey games. While my son was getting his gear off after the game I asked to speak to my then WW in private. I told her that I had found an attorney and that I needed to go ahead and get the contact info of her attorney as well as an inventory of the community property she took out of our home so we can start what we originally discussed as "amicable" divorce process. This was as close as it could get to serving her. I wish I had a secret video camera at the time. She had the look on her face like I just told her that a loved one had passed away. She literally turned white, started trembling and tearing up, then struggled to tell me she would get that information to me as soon as she could. She then excused herself to go make a call, which I think at that point she just called her attorney and just told him to file immediately, because that's what he did a couple of days later. And then, she dragged that process out for another 6 months by not responding to my attorney's request for documentation.

Anyway, it was NOT the outcome she expected. I don't know with certainty what my XW had expected out of this but you read enough stories on this site that you can start to identify cake-eating behavior and attitudes in your own WS if they doing this. I'm pretty certain my XW thought she could press one giant PAUSE button on life, keep me, the kids, the old family on a back burner while she went out and pretended to be miss 20-something and hump her fill of strange dick, then return back to her old self again. When I mentioned finding a divorce attorney I think that was like taking a sledge hammer to that pause button. Her reaction was priceless. Soon after, she got word I was dating. She had puffy face for a week from crying. But you know what, Goodguy80? She lifted not one fucking finger to do anything to ask for another chance to reconsider R. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. It was one massive pity party for her. That is what will tell you how your STBXW values your marriage. Now, I'm an infidelity is a deal breaker kind of guy. I had to first prove that was the case, then when I got it I knew I wanted D. But I still wanted to know if my XW really understood what she was throwing away. What I actually came away with was now seeing that all this time she didn't understand what a marriage really means. It was pretty damn eye-opening to finally see that, and explained what I thought was missing from the marriage all along.

Also, this isn't a knock on the "Red Pill" approach to how some guys want to operate their marriages, but there have been very alpha fellas here who lived similar to the married man primer and still suffered infidelity. There is no vaccine against cheating.

DBL post

[This message edited by Jduff at 12:09 PM, February 7th (Tuesday)]

Just my opinion those that get cheated on then say I'm not going to tell the other spouse are just as culpable as friends of the affair who help hide the affair.

Not on.

J-Duff thank you for sharing your story. We have not discussed divorce and living a pretty normal life right now when we are together both in the house and out of the house.

Not sure how she will react but again this is not about her right now it's about me. It's my decision and the fact that I'm doing it this way because I don't want to sink to her level and not because it's "a way to win her back" as many new posters here tend to do in the early stages of infidelity.

honestly what's the worst the worst thing that can happen - she openly restarts the PA, buys something extravagant, bad mouths me, initiates the divorce first. So what - thats just shows the type of person she is and just makes her look bad.

I done with her either way - I'm just taking the high road.

The point of me sharing that is everyone has their own reason for how they want it done. Mine, although unintentional, produced a result that answered one of the biggest questions I had. I'm satisfied. You have your reason to do it your way, stick with it so that you can be satisfied. As long as your attorney says it won't hurt your D then there isn't any other argument against doing so...for you.

As for letting OBS know now or later, I defer to the "take care of you first" rule here. If it helps your D then use it as leverage. It helped me in my mediation and my XW backed down from taking the aggressive approach at the beginning of talks. If you are set on D then when to let OBS knows is not a factor in your getting out of infidelity. But when it is all official I hope you do let the OBS know directly or indirectly (you can be creative in how). I was the OBS in my situation. I'm not angry to be the last to know but glad to finally know I wasn't nuts to suspect and it wasn't my fault.

Goodguy-

Be aware that if you give her the papers yourself it will be a very emotional moment for both of you.

I knew that I did not want to hand it to her personally.

I wasn't sure how either of us would react.

Even if you are still under the same roof maybe doing it outside of the home is better, maybe a semi public place.

She would't have any overt reaction to a process server but she may go off on her STBXH that she thought she had under her thumb...

Record it to protect yourself.

Here's a curveball. Just found out she booked us a surprise trip to Vegas for the weekend. The was going to tell her I want the d on Saturday.

Should I just go on the trip and tell her after or just tell her before and not go?

This would be the first real act of doing something as a couple that she has independently championed since dday.

My $0.02:

If you want D, tell her before, and don't go.

Don't lie and act like everything is AOK. Like what she did during the A.

Well, I am sure that you will get a lot of opinions on here, from yes give it a chance she is trying to move forward to no it's just manipulation and she had already bought the tix for her and the OM

Are you 100% going to D or are you looking at R? If R then I would go, and look at it as a step in the right directions and (try to) enjoy being together, if D I might go anyway and enjoy LV and not her.

But honestly if you are 100% D, don;t go.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 11:29 AM, February 8th (Wednesday)]

If your sure that your done with this and want to D, then just do it. If you are not sure, and you are not done giving her chances, then give her another chance.

Only you know what you want. Think about it and decide. Do you believe that this woman will ever be a safe partner for you? The answer to that question should be enough for you to be able to decide.