SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Unless the affair is over MC is a waste of your time and money.

Maintain the 180. As you've found if you take yourself out of the equation it gains you strength.

Better make sure your boundaries are respected if you don't she'll walk all over you.

{I'm not sure this was smart but I said meet with the affair partner again to talk and see if he would leave his wife for you. See if you realize your just his piece of side ass.}

IMO your actions say "you and your other man decide my fate"? Decide your own life.

You need to inform the other mans wife. No warning. You owe them the favor.

do not help hide their affair and perhaps enable it further.

Go online and check your phone bill. Know where you are.

If you can't locate or contact other mans wife you could have a letter delivered by a PI. I doubt it would cost that much. I'd include a copy of their hotel receiits.

[This message edited by Marc878 at 11:47 AM, December 21st (Wednesday)]

I'm not sure this was smart but I said meet with the affair partner again to talk and see if he would leave his wife for you.

Does this mean that the affair is still ongoing?

Does this mean the OMs wife does not know?

If she has to go to the OM and ask this, than you are plan B no matter what.

She wants me to see that ic too and eventually do mc together with the same counselor.

Bad idea. Different ICs and another different MC. It is impossible to have "real" IC when the same counselor have a vested interest in healing all three of you (Wife, You and the M).

Plus I really think that MC while she is still in contact with OM is a waste of time. Most MC will tell you that.

She needs to do a lot of work in IC and get to place a of remorse before you get to MC. don't do MC for awhile. IC seperately (diff counselors) you can deal with the trauma. She can get her priorities to her family brough back into clear focus. JHMO MC with a unremorseful wayward is adding more hurt while you are maxed out.

Right now she will just use the MC to justify and shift blame for her actions onto you.

Keep her guessing about the Monday after Christmas. Just tell her that you will think about it and don't bring it up again.

She needs to see you pulling away and detaching.

I know this sounds cruel, but your W has to hit rock bottom and think she is losing everything before she will be 100% on board. She literally has to come to terms with the fact that she is not the person she believes she is or pretends to be.

She is not a good of a person as she believes herself to be. Yes, it will break her, but she can't heal and fix herself without the right internal motivation.

Based on what you've said she seems like the type that will only really get her act together and own her actions once she realizes that her actions will cost her everything.

I honestly believe she stopped the physical part of the affair and even the communication stuff outside of work. I think for her it's the feelings she experienced that maybe she still has for him or those lack of feelings she gas for me.

I think I would live with regret not at least giving her a shot at trying to come to terms by herself.

That's all well and good. Most will try R but it needs to be on your terms. If not you'll have regrets, buyers remorse down the road.

Workplace affairs are notorious at being able to detect or stop.

If they are around each other the feelings just continue, etc.

I agree that you are letting her and the OM decide your fate. Don't let yourself be an "option". If I felt for a minute my wife was conflicted about which direction to go , I would have shown her the door. She didn't and has been working hard ever since.

I honestly believe she stopped the physical part of the affair and even the communication stuff outside of work.

Why do you believe that? If your wife has to go to him and ask if he is going to leave his wife for her, why would even think the affair is over???

She should not even be working there at this time.

Goodguy, I was curious to read your update and have a suggestion for your plan:

Polygraph to determining she's told me the truth

You need to set a deadline and schedule an appointment, otherwise polygraph may never happen.

She must understand and agree to work on her own issues why she choose to have an affair

This one is a bit blur. How are you going to see if she understands or not? I suggest you to pick a time once a week (e.g. Saturday 8-9 pm) for you to sit together so that she could talk to you and you could listen her thoughts and revelations about herself. Needless to say, you may follow her progress (or lack thereof) and see where she is heading.

Prove to me beyond a doubt that she is owning her actions and that I am her one and only option moving forward

This is the most tricky, in my opinion. Believe me or not, I think you will always have doubts, even in "the best possible" scenario – I mean her being genuinely honest, open, healthy and attentive to your mutual needs.

If you are really set to reconcile, I would tell her that every three months (e.g. at 7 am on Jan 1, Apr 1, and so on) – you are going to get together and ask if you really want to be with each other and if you trust each other.

The bottom line, your plan (as any plan with a potential to succeed) needs to be very specific with each goal or requirement being crystal clear.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 12:36 PM, December 21st (Wednesday)]

I just read this whole thread and I was extremely surprised that there were only a couple of mentions that your WW CANNOT work with the OM anymore. That should be an absolute dealbreaker for you.

If you want to attempt R, then you should send a letter to HR outing the affair. Is your WW the OM's subordinate? If yes, then that is actually sexual harassment in most states. The legal system and businesses look down poorly at bosses/supervisors/executives who abuse their authority.

Show the HR letter to your WW first. If she does not want you to send it, then that is a red flag - her job and reputation are more important than her marriage and family. No bueno.

The HR letter should include a statement to the effect that, based on OM's unlawful behavior (which possibly constitutes sexual harassment, depending on your state), you expect that OM will be terminated from his position with the company.

After the letter is sent to HR, you will decide your next step based on the company's response. Keep in mind that the consequences of such a letter could include the OM coming out swinging against you legally. However, you need to step up and take DECISIVE ACTION. You need to do the right thing, even (actually, especially) if it entails taking risks. This will build strength.

To reiterate, though, if your WW is not on board with such a letter to HR, then I would proceed with your divorce plans and not worry about it. (If you're divorced, then you actually do not want to mess with her job).

Oh, and tell the OBS about the affair. You're not trying hard enough, which means you're scared of the OM and/or your WW and/or some unknown which could happen. Quit making excuses. If someone said they would give you $10 million to find the OBS and tell them about the affair, you would find a way. So just do it. Take control.

Strength and peace to you.

I have to agree with AlphaBeta 100%.

She cannot continue to work for, with, or near the OM...period.

Also, the A MUST be outed to both his wife and the company (HR, board of directors, etc)...this will push her off the fence and only then will you see where she really wants to plant her feet.

I had to threaten my fWW with divorce to get her to see how serious I was about NC and not working with the OM. It worked in my case.

I think I would live with regret not at least giving her a shot at trying to come to terms by herself.

Nope.

Many people have regretted giving a cheating spouse a second chance, I have never heard of them regretting not giving them a chance.

You live with it just fine because if they haven't earned it then they don't deserve it regardless of the why.

Also, you can always give her a second chance once your divorce is finished and you are mentally recovered. Just be honest to yourself about your true reasons and fears.

I honestly believe she stopped the physical part of the affair and even the communication stuff outside of work. I think for her it's the feelings she experienced that maybe she still has for him or those lack of feelings she gas for me.

You won't be the first or last to be deceived again. If they have contact it won't stop. You can bank on that.

You probably never thought she'd cheat on you either.

You're like a lot you want to believe so bad that you do.

Sorry man but this isn't over yet. Just because you found out doesn't mean it stops.

Read a few

[This message edited by Marc878 at 9:47 PM, December 25th (Sunday)]

Fuck Her.....

Over the last 2 weeks she really started making progress. Met with ic, we restarted intamacy, gave me her phone password, amount a few other things. Still not super remorseful but improving.

Today we were in the car, just a he 2 of us, and she asking if I'm ok. I said I was feeling angry today ant the whoke situation. We are asked a little. Than I told her that it's important for me to ask questions to help me heal. She's taking this whole thing like nothing really happen.

So I asked her are you sorry about what you did you didn't even really sincerely apologize. She said "what do I need to get a video camera and record our conversations and stormed off off the parking lot. Going to our daughters bbal game. When I got got to the door she looked snarky and asked if I was ok.

I said don't talk to me and that's were we are now.

I am finally realizing she is a self centered b^**h and can only think of her self. The mean jeus Christ we only had maybe hsd 1 convo per week about this shit.

Fuck her. I can't believe she can't show empathy. But it ww mad ok to talk about her upcoming batcherorette party in vegas in march. Fuck her

Good Guy,

That is a terrible sign for R , she is not remorseful at all. She doesn't want to be in the marriage . The snarky attitude comes from her wanting to rugsweep and you won't let her..

Be prepared to see an attorney in January , that will be the only thing to do ..

Good luck ...

CDB

Like one of the "Hangover" bachelorette parties? Is she a member of the "cougar" pack?

Sounds like an absolute fucking disaster.