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My mother went from one relationship to another throughout my childhood, always chasing the high of a new relationship. Sadly now she's a very lonely lady, all alone & my sister & I don't have much to do with her.

I turned into my mother a few years ago. The person I said I never would. (This has been hard to admit to myself).

I left my H for AP & was convinced he was my soul mate. I told my H what I was doing months before I left. It was absolutely devastating for him. I didn't care. I was in the "fog", convinced he was the one I wanted & he would make me happy. I didn't care one bit about my H's feelings or my 4 boys.

I am disgusted with myself writing this. My H was a broken man. I didn't see it. I was thinking of me,me,me.

To cut a long story short, I came to my senses & out of the fog. AP was not all I thought he was. I realised I loved my H almost too late. He had almost moved on.

I've been blessed with R & I've been working hard on myself though IC. It's taken me a year to see what I've done to him, to us as a family & I will not take him for granted again.

My affair was a fantasy. All in my head. I believed what I wanted. It's not real life. What you're doing to your wife right now is like stabbing her in the heart repeatedly. I know, I did this to my H.

Wishing you the best.

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:11 PM, December 16th (Friday)]

I think you should go for it. Your wife is better off without you. If she is such a great person, then she will be perfect for someone that can truly value her. Which of course your AP couldn't hold a candle to. The only great thing about the AP to you and only you is that she allows you to act like a child. She doesn't hold you accountable. She doesn't expect you have responsibility- yet. She is immature herself and self absorbed. There will never be an amazing AP. Why? Because they are cheaters. Your mirror image of a cruel selfish person. You can bring your immaturity to your next relationship with the AP and in time when that becomes stale go find a new one. Why do you need a book to tell you what is going on? The same thing is going on that was going on when you first hooked up with your wife. You need the newness high of early relationships and no responsibility. On second thought, you should probably stay single and date. Pick yourself. Come back in two years and let us know how it works out.

idk im just worried i married the wrong person even though im sure i could "make it work", it just feels like it's the less happy route, maybe im afraid of commitment? maybe i cant get over the resentment / staleness? idk wtf is wrong with me :(

Yeah, because you have not contributed to the staleness, right?! You didn't put work into your marriage and you stated you wanted to be reckless and are tired of marriage. YOu don't want to work for it. You want easy. Easy is the bottom of the barrel. If you are satisfied with easy, then leave. Someone else may want to work for your wife and a relationship with her. She certainly will not want to live with you while your so called heart is elsewhere or you live the rest of your life with regret and resentment over the "one that got away". You know, the one that you will be worried about forever with that she may just cheat on you when you get too old for her.

You should look up the stages of a committed relationship. You are expecting the wrong things from relationships and love. The problem isn't the relationship or your wife. The problem is you and you don't know how to be in a relationship. You are lazy.

THIS!^^^^^^^^

(Warning: I may may projecting my issues onto you again)

You can't be Peter Pan. I used to think that was something to aspire to. But now I see that there's a difference between being young at heart and being immature. If you want to make it in this world, if you want to have a good relationship, you're going to have to grow up. I made it about halfway through my life before I figured that out, before I realized that a good relationship doesn't just happen, it takes work. If you just want to take the lazy way, Zugs is right, just stay single. Let the people you date up front know that you're not willing to maintain a healthy, adult relationship. That will save you and them a lot of hurt.

^^^^same with me. You can have sparks and romance even when things seem stale in maturing relationships. You just have to work for it more. Which after you get past the incorrect ideology of what love is or should feel and look like is a no brainer. You had to work for it with new relationships too, you just don't realize it. You know, all the time spent texting. Meeting. Planning. Ignoring your better half. So much worthless work for something easier. Part of why many like myself included became nastier to our spouses during the affair period. Sure it is easier and less work. But it is like going to a fast food restaurant instead of getting fine dining. It is easier and shoddy work with very little long term payback. Working on your marriage (if it is the right person for you) is like building your dream home.

You need to grow up and more importantly man up. It's bad enough you've destroyed your wife, but when you add a "I'll make it work" statement, you're showing just how selfish you really are. Your wife does not deserve that. It seems to me that you are never going to be satisfied with any one person. Once the newness wears off and a routine gets settled, you want to bail. This shit takes work. Not just a once a week IC session, but a lot of digging into yourself. I'm talking completely tearing yourself apart and putting the pieces back together rebuilding yourself from the ground up. I'm with Zugs that you're childish, immature, and lazy. If you don't think you can grow up, you owe it to your BW to let her go and give her the chance to find someone that will give her what she needs.

What you find so amazing about AP is she lets you be a kid. Like Zugs said, she doesn't hold you accountable for anything other than than meeting her for a booty call. We've all been there, having this "amazingawesomeunbelievable" fantasy life with APs. And guess what? It leaves us emptier and more pathetic than we were before.

You said you still love your wife, and you need to be corrected there - and perhaps it will add another layer of perspective for you.

Love is not a feeling. It is not an idea or a concept or butterflies in your stomach. Love is not illusory. Love is something you DO. Love is a VERB. Love is deliberate, pre meditated ACTION. The feeling commonly misinterpreted as love is many different things. Infatuation, adrenaline, dopamine, excitement, nevousness, contentment etc.

You do NOT love your wife - while you cheat on her. You do NOT love your wife while you are still weighing up your options. You do NOT love your wife until you CHOOSE to pull your head out of your arse and be 100% committed to your marriage with FULL NO CONTACT with your AP.

If you cannot LOVE your wife, you need to set her free. What you are doing now is akin to torture. You have no idea how deeply you are scarring her.

I have a little different point of view. The question is not, "Do you love your wife," but "Do you love YOURSELF". If you do, why would you plan to never give yourself the gift of a committed marriage with someone who loves and supports you, but instead decide to set yourself up for a life of revolving 5-year relationships based on a dopamine high?

You have read that an affair is (like) an addiction. A student of psychology I trust (Silvan Tomkins) wrote that people who feel good are not turned on by addictive substances. The problem is not that the addictive person or substance "makes" you feel good, the problem is "Why don't you feel good already, as you, in the life you have created for yourself?" If you don't feel good in your life, the only person that can change that is you.

And, no, co-dependence is not the solution. That just means trying to "make" the other person feel good, with the unspoken demand that they "make" you feel good in return. Therapy is a place where you can explore what is inside you that keeps you from feeling good. What were your childhood experiences? What did you conclude about life from those experiences, and what did you decide to do to cope with life? One reason people may feel scared and think therapy is not working, especially in the beginning but also later on, is that they have an inner sense that if they go inside they will experience the PAIN they have been trying to protect themselves for many years.

6 weeks is nothing for therapy, and 2 months is nothing for getting out of the fog. I would go with the usual SI suggestion to not make final decisions for 6 months, and to not make decisions for your partner. If she wants to end the marriage, that's for her to decide. You don't have the right to "help" her by leaving before she has asked you to go. If you choose to leave for yourself, that is your right, but be clear that it is about you, not her.

You have a lot of work to do, but you can do it. You're worth the time and effort, and so is your wife. Do remember that that effort does not include pretending and hiding your feelings. And your wife can leave at any time. Have you asked her what she wants? Your posts have been all about what you're thinking and feeling, but I don't have a clear sense of what she is thinking and feeling.

You may decide to leave this marriage in the end, but your "I don't knows" don't give me the sense that you know that is what you want to do at this point. Whether you decide to go or stay, don't give up on yourself. keep digging until you can clarify both the good and bad in yourself, decide what you want in life, and choose to go after that with integrity.