SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I have been married since 2/14/2009. On 11/09/2016 while America watched the election I was activating phones when I activated my wife's phone I got a text message from the OM. My wife who was sleeping at the time denied it took the phone texted back got a response which she immediately erased then handed me back the phone saying it was a wrong number. It took me exactly four minutes to log into my cell carriers website to find out that was not true. She then lied and said it was just emotional and that he did not work with her anymore. I dealt with this by getting a therapist who put me on short term disability from work. During this time I found the O? Spouse who already knew who I was from Facebook by research in my WS because she had seen records of the texts. We talked and she told me OM has done this before.

I moved out for three weeks and my kids came over and visited while I stayed with a friend. This weekend I moved back in after all this is my house too. WS is sleeping on the couch and wondering why I won't give up the bed.

I did the pick me dance for about three weeks but since moving back in have been applying the 180. WS has shown remorse but the A continues and has flatly stated that she loves him. I am moving forward but would be lying if I didn't still secretly hope she would wake up and get back into the marriage.

She thinks that my taking antidepressants and going to therapy makes me a weaker person. I know that is not true.

I have had several good days in a row, the A is still constantly on my mind but I was able to work and genuinely enjoy my kids. Today however I did all the things I have been doing going to the gym, housework, etc and when I got to work just had to leave. I have spent the day reading forum posts and articles and feel much better now.

Is there a timeframe in which it becomes obvious that there will be no reconciliation? I've stopped checking phone records as she has made it clear at this point she does not intend to stop. However all of her actions seem to be straight out of the cheaters handbook. Cake eating, blameshifting, gaslighting etc.

Just to clarify if we do decide on R I would check phone records just doesn't seem like a point to it until that is in place.

Thank you for reading this and being here for support.

I wanted you to know that your message has been read and that you are heard. (first order of business)

Now, I am not an expert, as I am married to a serial ONS person, SOOOO, I might not be the best to give advice, but I will say this from a lot of time on this site, and seeing similar notes,

For now, I would recommend the healing library and the 180. Since your WW doesn't seem interested, for now, there is no reason to hold out hope for R. That does not mean that R isn't going to happen, but it means for now, it isn't an option.

For now, my recommendation (and remember it is just a recommendation), would be to talk to a lawyer, get everything lined up, do the 180, and continue to work on yourself, your happiness, and the health of your kids.

Document, document document. Make sure you and your kids are covered. Then, start truly moving on with your life and your health.

Because my WH didn't really get into the "affair fog", I can't say how long it will take her to snap out of it, but from everything I have read here, they all (or at least a majority of them) seem to eventually snap out of it. But, playing the pick me dance never seems to work. Getting on with your life seems to be the most effective way for BS to snap around.

I am sorry (as we all are) that you are here, but there will be others that come along shortly that have advice, that have lived through a more similar scenario.

Oh Bravo,

Sorry you are here and you had to find our club that no one ever wanted to have to join.

Your WW is being so very selfish and self centered.

Now is time for you to take her at face value. Right now she is still a lying, cheating, unsafe partner and parent.

Please see an attorney just to know your rights. Protect yourself and your children.

Head to the Healing Library and read up on the 180. It is time to start to detach, as hard as it is.

You are not weak at all. You are hurt and betrayed. IMO (not to be cruel) but she is the weak one because she was and is unable to deal with reality, to face your marriage and issues without bailing out to have an affair. That is cowardly and weak.

Your WW has shown you who she is, believe her. Proceed with getting your ducks in a row.

If your filing for D wakes her up and you believe she is a safe candidate for R, then cross that bridge IF and when it comes.

But don't play the pick me dance or the wait and see dance because you will continue to die a slow death in the process.

Have you been tested for STD's? Is the AP married? If you have been reading you know the drill...

1) Get tested

2) Tell the OBS

3) See an attorney

4) Take care of you and your kids

5) 180

Keep moving Bravo.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:27 PM, December 14th (Wednesday)]

Sorry you are here but you will get good advice. I am 7 weeks out and the one thing you will find is that most all cheaters follow the same script.

My advice take care of yourself first.

See a divorce attorney for piece of mind and understand your options.

What ever you do ...you have to realize you can not change your wife's actions or decisions at this time. The more you do the more she will distance her self from you.

Also, she's not going to like anything you do so do want you need to do to take care and protect yourself and your kids. Do not leave your house again let her do it.

Keep posting as it helped me a lot.

You have nothing to work with unless the affair ends. If it does just burn out it could take two years or so. You really want to hang around hoping to be her plan B that long?

Exposure is about your only weapon at this time. Affairs thrive in secret and the dark. If you try helping hide her affair it will just enable it. No Warning - his/her family, friends, work (if it's a workplace affair). Unless her job is worth more than your marriage/family.

As you've found the "Pick Me" dance just makes yo look weak and lowers your status. Trying to nice them back does about the same.

Short version is file. She'll either wake up or she won't.

Read "No a More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

[This message edited by Marc878 at 4:48 PM, December 14th (Wednesday)]

Something I didn't mention in the original post is that both of our children are not biologically mine she had them before we met. My daughter is nine and has only ever known me as her father my son is 14 but has only had me as a father since he was five. I have talked to an attorney and when it comes to my kids I have zero rights to them under the law. She is originally from PA so if we get the D and her new relationship goes bad she will pack up and take my kids with her back to PA which is over 900 miles away. Thus I think is the worst part because she crushed my heart once and when this all blows up in her face she is going to do it again by taking my kids.

Being held hostage so she can do as she wants is going to get old. Your life is up to you. Is that the world you want to live in?

I agree with Marc. You can not let her call any of the shots or even if you get her to R it will feel bad - really bad. You are Plan B.

I would take a hard line and 180 and say plainly that you want a divorce. You need to force her hand and accelerate everything.

Does her OM want to divorce his wife? If you leave your WW she is going to start putting big time pressure on him and he will either leave his wife or dump your WW. This would be much faster than twiddling thumbs.

I understand that it is painful to be ripped from the kids, but if they are attached to you and she denies that - aside from the legal aspect- then she is a cruel mother as well as a bad wife. They are old enough to speak up and express the desire to still spend time with you.

Sorry this happened. Cheaters are very selfish and you need to protect yourself.

[This message edited by whymeagain8 at 5:05 PM, December 14th (Wednesday)]

I don't want to be held hostage by the kids but I also can't just stop being a dad. I think it would be different if I knew they would still be a part of my life. Joint custody or visitation rights something. As it stands I'll just wake up one day and they will be gone.

According to her the OM is getting a divorce but as it stands he is separated from his wife. They have been through this before. He is losing custody of his daughter again according to her so who knows. I also don't want the OM around my kids.

I am happy that you are able to focus back on work. I spend days after discovering information via my access to his whatsapp that he has contacted this one particular "friend" where I cannot work or focus and spend the day drinking and watching tv. I think it is clear that I am in the clinical area of depression. I was in bed most of today and yesterday.

I Agree that getting on with your life will have her snap back to reality and either seek you out to work it out or she will make definitive moves to separate. SHe does not seem to be apologetic from your description. For that I am sorry.

I want to work things out with my cheating husband but I also want to save up enough money to leave whenever I make the decision. I moved into his place and although technically it is ours now, I would not want to stay. I have been thinking about how much money I need to move for months...I hope youorganize yourself with an attorney so you stay in the house with the children

IN your situation you can't make her do anything or control what she does. You can't fix her. She would have to do that.

The only thing you can do is control your life and fix any issues you have.

If she wants to introduce the kids to the other man you have no rights or say so to stop her.

The best thing you can do at this time is take yourself out of the equation. If she's continuing the affair you go your own way.

Join a gym, see friends, family anything to get out of the infidelity.

If she's sleeping in your bed move her out. Take off your ring, Etc

Work out, upgrade your wardrobe anything to get yourself felling and looking better.

I am not wearing the ring, she is not sleeping in bed, I have been going to the gym lost 17 pounds. I did get a tattoo but only because I always wanted one and never did because of her. Grew my beard out and bought a new wardrobe. I have been focusing on me. I played the pick me game while doing these things but am committed to 180 now. I don't have money to file for D yet but will as of December 30th. I plan to make an appointment shortly thereafter to file.

I don't want to be held hostage by the kids but I also can't just stop being a dad. I think it would be different if I knew they would still be a part of my life. Joint custody or visitation rights something. As it stands I'll just wake up one day and they will be gone.

You have no way to stop that. She says she loves him and he's leaving his wife, she can divorce you any time she wants and take the kids and move in with him and there's nothing you can do about it.

You need to prepare yourself for the worst. It's okay to hope for the best but your position sucks and passivity will do more harm than good.

I don't want to be held hostage by the kids but I also can't just stop being a dad. I think it would be different if I knew they would still be a part of my life. Joint custody or visitation rights something. As it stands I'll just wake up one day and they will be gone.

Being blunt since these are not your kids and something you should have factored going into the relationship this was/is something that can happen.

She has been brutally honest she won't stop, it's called a sh*t test, you found out probably didn't drop the hammer on her, she breathed a sigh of relief and went to see how far she could go..as it seems pretty far, blatantly having the affair while staying put.

If OM is getting a divorce then she's most likely bidding her time until that divorce is done and she can shack up with this bloke.

Again kids are off the table as much as that sucks that's the reality, so focus on protecting yourself and most importantly giving her clear consequence of her actions, see a lawyer immediately, protect your assets, separate accounts, keep up with the 180.

If you've done a great job with the kids they will keep in touch with you. You're their dad so that will never change, they're old enough to know and choose, you didn't put them in this situation, their mother did.

Did full exposure today. Work, kids, family and she is pissed. Blocked his numbers from our cell phones so she went out and bought a new phone. Still doing 180 still maintaining calm and not engaging or arguing.

The child-issue is not as one sided as you might think…

As your attorney stated you might not have any rights, but that also means that legally you don’t have obligations.

So… If you divorce you don’t pay CS and your WW has to make do with what finances she can wrangle.

You could possibly use this to ensure access to the kids – You pay voluntary CS and share custody (after all the then ex-WW wants time off too).

That's a great idea Bigger!

You have gotten good advice.

Keep up the 180, get STD testing, get IC if you can.

She has told you who she is and what she wants, believe her. See the attorney as soon as you can. Cancel all joint credit cards so she can't bankrupt you. Split your savings and put your half in an account in your name.

She may come around, she may not. If she does you then have a big decision to make. For now just move on.