SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Oh Darkness, I understand you want to believe her. But do you believe her deep down your mind? I suspect your wife is glad to have a hubby like you, but for a different reason you may think: she is glad to have a hubby you can cheat on and have no consequences.

My wife and story was somehow similar to yours: I was the one who cared, who surprised her, organized trips, took care of our shared chores, etc. And, as the case with your wife, my wife took me for granted – I was just a comfortable background of her life.

One thing I think I had in common with you: I always told her "yes", I was the one who always pleased her (even if I felt sometimes uncomfortable, or running out of budget, etc). She was staying with you because you are ready to do all the work, including her work. And every time we had a tiny argument – her reply was well out of proportion. Does it sound familiar?

Now she is staying with you because you are ready to swallow and rug sweep her terrible misconduct, because she is the one who controls both of your life. But try to pose her some tricky questions. Tell her that you are going to see an attorney. Try – and you will see her real face: you will see her ready to dump you because you are no longer her pet. Am I sound brutal? I think that brutal is what she have done to you and your kids.

This is something I fully agree with:

Here is what I see (maybe because every other story on this place seems just like this one): She is desperate to save her marriage, she has two young kids, this dude lives 3,000 miles away and he don't want her, and she hasn't considered what she REALLY wants yet, she is just doing everything she can to survive this trauma, saving THIS OPTION, then she can figure it out, what she really wants.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 12:32 PM, December 17th (Saturday)]

I should clarify that the OM is single and 5 years younger.

We all understand you need,and want,to believe everything she's telling you. But a WS who was just caught having an affair,who is totally honest immediately,is as rare as a pink unicorn.

He's single? Have you investigated him on your own...or are you only going on what your wife tells you?

34 year old single male, had a low-contact long-distance 2 1/2-year married mother of two under age 10. Low contact is the key, assuming you could see it was low contact. Fairly certain your wife pursued and still was hanging on.

She has to figure out what caused this. Why some dude who hit on her (assuming here that she didn't initiate) became a soulmate somehow.

I should clarify that the OM is single and 5 years younger.

Is your wife telling you now that they are just friends?

Is your wife still in contact with this guy?

She sent a text right before Thanksgiving that she is ending the friendship to work on her marriage and that he should not contact her by phone, text or any other means going forward. She showed me the text before sending.

It is nice she sent it, but the value of it is only because she was willing to do it. A "no contact" message has no real ability to stop contact. Either party could continue it. Unbelievably, enough cheaters refuse to even send a "no contact" message. So it was a positive, but not overwhelming. In one way, sad that she didn't do it immediately, but then again, I'm not sure any cheater did it without being prompted. It seems so many of them want to continue "being friends." So messed up, their thinking.

The girlfriend went to a club with your wife, what happened, the girlfriend went home and left your wife alone with the guy? The other man, he must have had a friend there with him, too, or am I so far out of it that dudes go alone to hook up.

Also, this was a work conference, so the girlfriend must also be a coworker, or someone your wife knows through the industry who was there. Unless your wife took a girlfriend on this trip?

I think you have to keep in mind of the addictive aspect of a 2 1/2 year affair. She is used to talking and texting this guy. Of course, if it was truly texting a couple times a week and talking monthly, maybe not so much. As long as you have the proof.

cooked, cleaned, done laundry, attended to my children night after night for 5 years.

I didn't do that, but different things, point being, the kids were number one, wife a close second, me by far in last place. I told my wife, it's my turn now, I had been in last place for years (about 20 years, actually), now I will be in first place for the next 20 years, then after that 20, we can be equal again. Maybe it doesn't really work that way, but she understood, and she agreed. I'm not sure if your wife would understand and agree.

I saw all of the messages between my wife and other man. There were phone calls, I don't know what was said, but I read probably a thousand or more messages, so I knew everything. What I realized was, during the affair, my wife maybe did truly love me, she never badmouthed me, and she never thought she would leave me. That seems not the case from your wife, based on what she's admitted to you. But despite my wife never saying she wanted to leave, never badmouthing me, what I realized was, during the affair, her priority was to talk with other man, spend time with other man, and I was just some guy in the background, like white noise. The main event was between her and him.

Again, this is tough to reconcile to the wedding vows she gave. And after caught, all of a sudden, those wedding vows have meaning again. There is a point between she really does love you and she just wants to get what she wants. Do you think she'd ever say, "I understand, if leaving you is best for you, then you should go, because YOUR INTEREST is more important than mine, THAT is how much I love you." Well, before I found out about the affair, I actually DID put my wife's interest above mine. Reconciling is about reconciling yourself, and your conflicting feelings, as much about as reconciling with your wife.

Devastated, please don't rug sweep it. I strongly advice you go to individual counseling.

Your wife wants you to take it easy and escape consequences, because "she is a different person". But rest assured: adultery is not a mistake, is not a bad luck or circumstances. Adultery is a serious flaw of a character. And for a person to state that "she is a different character right now" takes years of deliberate and hard work of self-improvement. Something that your wife never have done.

If you get stuck in denial and rug sweep it right now – by these quick fixes like NC letter, – trust me:

(i) it is very likely that one day you will be betrayed again,

(ii) it is not that unlikely that your wife's affair with this guy will be ended;

(iii) it is likely that feeling miserable, helpless and hopeless will be a "normal" background of your life.

If you want to be healthy, you have to stand up for yourself. And please, get help from individual counselor. I won't write you anymore. Hope you hear me and other posters. Believe us: we know where you are, we have been through this drama, and we have a good idea about what to do and what not to do.

Hope you find a way out.

Hello Devastated,

Welcome to this world. Sorry you are here my friend. But you are in very good company.

We have ALL been where you are. We have all felt what you feel. You are not alone. You will get a lot of support and great advice here as you have already.

When I first posted on here a few months ago, someone told me to read a book that has since changed my worldview: No More Mr. Nice Guy. You can get it online as a PDF for free or order it on Amazon. The author is Glover.

Find yourself a nice quiet corner of your home and sit and read this book. I suspect it will offer some startling revelations to you about yourself, your behavior, and your situation.

As for your question: why??

Well i think you will find that whatever answer you get to why did she do it will not make you feel better. When my wife cheated on me I found that whatever answers I got gave me no satisfaction. Nothing made me feel better. Just time.

But there was a small consolation. And that was that I realized that my wife did it because there is and was something missing in her. She has deep character flaws (as I do) that are outwardly well masked that allowed her to behave the way she did.

You may find that your wife has similar characteristics.

Hang in there. Please take care of yourself listen to the advice that you are ready for from the wonderful folks on here.

I hope you will find peace of mind soon.

Thank you all. I'm going to vent here a bit.

It's a very difficult time. I keep saying that I did not deserve this. I have been a good man. I have been a devoted husband. I have been a good father. I have been a good lover. I have been warm and affectionate. I've always been ready for sex. Why should this happen to me? Why should she need to go outside for affection and intimacy when I'm here? I'm not disabled, I'm not mindless, and I'm not bed ridden. I drink minimally only socially. I don't do drugs. I don't lust. I don't flirt. I am a decent man. I treat her with respect. I live an honest life. Why such a heavy blow? There is a hurricane in my mind, there has been such a devastating earthquake in my heart that the aftershocks still keep me trembling, my knees are shattered, my Achilles' tendons severed, and I can't catch my breath to attempt to get up. I'm such a fool who has lived life in oblivion for that last 2.5 years. I'M SUCH A GOD DAMN FOOL!!!! I love this woman dearly but her smile has lost its innocence. She is no longer the woman I married. Now I cry day after day, thinking what do I do. When will this misery be over? Will I catch cancer as a result of this and be freed from my pains? I certainly hope so.

Devastated, I relate to the pain - and you are in a LOT of pain right now.

It looks to me like you are beginning a new phase - one in which you are realizing you can't go back to what you had (or thought you had), reconciliation might not work, and you have to come up with a Plan B for your life.

As awful as it may be for you to contemplate that, I urge you to do so: talk to a lawyer, think about other living arrangements (who would move out, and it if it is you, where would you go), secure your bank accounts if you haven't already, make sure you have all the financial and other important records you might need for a divorce in a safe, secure place.

Even if you never go to Plan B, you will feel better knowing you have one. It might make that option seem less awful, too.

Good luck,

You have mentioned your culture and the way adultery is viewed in it.

Might I ask what culture/country you are in?

I am Christian Orthodox from Euro-Middle East region.

My father keeps asking me: "Son, why are you so sad?" I'm sure it breaks his heart to see me like this. His eldest son. The son he is very proud of. The educated and accomplished son. The son he honors. The son who has done all of he right things in life. The son who has been responsible. The son who has put others' needs before his. What do I tell this man that I honor so much? If a say a word about this, he will have contempt for her for the rest of his life.

My brother in law (wife's sister's husband) says, "I love you like my own brother, like my own flesh and blood, but I have not seen you smile for over a month. What's wrong? I know you're about to start a new business and have invested your life's savings in it but stop worrying so much. It will be fine." Ya! At least I have an excuse. I guess I should be grateful for that.

Tell your father the truth. If he has contempt for her, that's a consequence of her actions. But do not lie to the man you respect so much. Don't allow her actions to turn you into a liar.

Not right now! I will some day. But for now, I will need to ride the tidal waves of this storm and see where they take me.

Devastated, even though I understand your pain, I don't understand your position of a victim. Your "waves" will bring you where you lead (or don't lead) them. Have you tried to find an individual counselor? What is your support system at the moment? What is your strategy? What are your decisions for today?

Waiting for your wife to come and tell you what to do will only multiply your misery and will make it chronic. You need to stand up for yourself and TAKE your chances to regain your mental health and healthy living. No one will do it for you.

I am Christian Orthodox from Euro-Middle East region.

Is there a priest or church counselor you can talk to?

We are seeing a MC. I'm not taking any drastic action because if I cause fear and resentment it will not help. If I cause her to hate me, she will be more inclined to give up. She is sorry and is being remorseful. She is very loving right now and I believe it's real. It's hard. I keep asking: Is this real? Is she being real? Deep down, I'm getting the gut feel that she truly loves me.

I did send her a text message today that there need to be some new boundaries and that we need to discuss with the MC to make sure I'm not being unfair. Here is the list:

"1. No clubbing or going to bars without me. NEVER, EVER!

2. No overnight business trips or conferences without me for a very long time. 3 - 5 years. Must find other means of getting the Continuing Education Units for your profession.

3. Happy hour at work, must be home by 7:00. And I mean home by 7:00. You know punctuality. I should have the right to drop in at anytime.

4. All text messages have to be consistent with what's on the phone bill. No deleting of text messages. Phone has to be backed up weekly.

5. Must send details of work related appointments: Where? When? Client phone number?

6. Outings with friends: No more than once per month. I will no longer be the stay-home dumb husband.

I have given you a lot of freedoms and leniency but they were not appreciated.

And of course, any contact with the AP, is immediate divorce."

It is truly sad that my marriage has to come to this. This is the part that angers me. For now, it's one step at a time.

I already talked to our priest. Like I said, our culture is very unforgiving when it comes to stuff like this. The priest didn't say divorce but he was leaning in that direction. That her reasons are not acceptable. But again, what reason can possibly e acceptable? I tripped and fell on someone's dick?

Keep at this one day at a time.

I like your last post. You need to assert yourself and for God's sake, STOP CRYING !! It makes you look weak and allows her to control the dialogue.