SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Someone asked me earlier if it's ok for my wife to go to clubs and dance with other people if I am not there. Of course No! But then, I never made that clear thinking she already knows how I feel and that was the rabbit hole of this whole fucking mess. The dancing lead to all the other shit!

. I'm not taking any drastic action because if I cause fear and resentment it will not help. If I cause her to hate me, she will be more inclined to give up. She is sorry and is being remorseful. She is very loving right now and I believe it's real. It's hard. I keep asking: Is this real? Is she being real? Deep down, I'm getting the gut feel that she truly loves me.

I may be missing something here, but do not think that just being nice will make her want to stay.

You being mad at her should not cause "fear and resentment...hate." If you get that card played at you call it for the bullshit it is. And, don't let yourself tell yourself that either. She caused this situation, she needs to deal with the consequences - and those include you being mad.

If my WH would have had one foot out (of our marriage) at any moment I would have pushed the other out with it! Don't be afraid to loose her, you can't force her, bully her or plead her to change, to be a faithful partner. But if she works hard to earn your trust again she will appreciate it that much more. If she isn't willing to do the work you don't need her in your life! I know it is scary, how hard it is to put yourself first after putting her first through the whole marriage? I know it is painful but you can do this!

I think all your demands are spot on by the way great job!

Don't tell your father, others can make things so much more complicated, but I am sure he will relate to the answer "marital problems" at least he can say "son, marriage is hard, I am here for you if you want to talk" which I am sure he will say, and those words will sound so good to you right now.

Please consider individual counseling, you can always pick back up on MC after a few months but you are hurting deeply, need some suggestions on grief counseling and maybe some self esteem exercises. SHe really needs to work on herself before trying to rebuild this marriage too. As other keep saying (go back and reread) she is sick, what she has done is not just a little hiccup she needs to truly dive into the whys and understand what she has to do to prove to you she can be trusted again. Sure theses exact circumstances will never come up again but what decisions will she make faced with the choose to do what she wants instead of what she should? Sure right now the answer seems clear...but that is what the time is for, to learn how to set boundaries, and prove to you she can enforce them on her own!

I'm sure she knew you wouldn't want her going to clubs without you to dance with guys, just like you wouldn't want her having sex with guys.

Thing is, she wanted those things. And she was willing to lie to you to get what she wanted.

And probably, right now, she still is willing to lie to get what she wants. Save the marriage at all costs. She'll do and say what she needs to do.

You know, it's tough when you're dealing with a liar, because you start to question everything the liar says. Especially when you've caught a liar in many lies, you start to question everything.

So you are seeing something about her that you never saw before. You never thought she was such a coward, to lie to get what she wants.

You have been married long enough that she knows your attitudes and I'm sure you know her attitudes. About dancing men in clubs, about "kissing" men in clubs, about having sex with other guys. She knew, whether you said that or not. Don't let her muddy the issue about "she never knew it was wrong to dance with a guy in a club" or "she never knew it was wrong to 'kiss' with a guy in a club" or "she never knew it was wrong to have 'sex' with a guy I met in a club."

She knew what you thought about that.

If I cause her to hate me, she will be more inclined to give up.

She's been cheating on you for 2 1/2 years. She only stopped because you found out? How much worse could it be?

She is sorry and is being remorseful. She is very loving right now and I believe it's real.

What? You believe it's real? Based on what?

It's hard. I keep asking: Is this real? Is she being real? Deep down, I'm getting the gut feel that she truly loves me.

Of course she loves you. She had a 2 1/2 year affair. If she wanted to leave you, she would have left you long ago. She loves you, but she just wanted to have the other guy, too. And she was willing to lie to do that. Now she is willing to lie to keep you. This is the basis of cheating. Not that she is leaving you, she could have done that without cheating. She wants to keep you.

we need to discuss with the MC to make sure I'm not being unfair.

That is rich. You worrying that you are going to be unfair, after she cheated for 2 1/2 years, and now you're angry, but you can't show it, because she might "give up."

Here is the list:

"1. No clubbing or going to bars without me. NEVER, EVER!

2. No overnight business trips or conferences without me for a very long time. 3 - 5 years. Must find other means of getting the Continuing Education Units for your profession.

3. Happy hour at work, must be home by 7:00. And I mean home by 7:00. You know punctuality. I should have the right to drop in at anytime.

4. All text messages have to be consistent with what's on the phone bill. No deleting of text messages. Phone has to be backed up weekly.

5. Must send details of work related appointments: Where? When? Client phone number?

6. Outings with friends: No more than once per month. I will no longer be the stay-home dumb husband.

The rules make you feel safe. But really, didn't she already know the MOST IMPORTANT thing? Which you left off the list for some reason:

1. NO SEX WITH OTHER MEN.

The rules are as good as the person who plays the game. If the person is a cheater, the rules don't mean all that much.

What I don't like about the rules is that if you don't put a rule on the list, she apparently can do that thing. "I didn't know I wasn't allowed to send naked pictures of myself to my good male friend, you never told me, and it wasn't on the list."

But for you, now, it's all good. I think you need the rules for a while. But it's going to wear you out keeping track of them. I lasted two weeks. Couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore, I have to have "rules" and I have to monitor communications because if I don't, my wife might wind up fucking other men. That's not for me, I found that out fast.

If you're not resentful enough yet, then wait a while as you try to keep track of her like a teenager who you're not sure if they know the difference between right and wrong. Because apparently, based on the rules, she doesn't know what is right from wrong.

The rules are good because she knows what you want, what you expect. The rules are bad because really, doesn't she already know she should be faithful and honest and not lie or cheat or deceive?