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Just Found Out :
Newly fit wife cheats on me with bodybuilder

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 ID10TForm (original poster new member #56477) posted at 2:11 PM on Monday, December 19th, 2016

Found out yesterday my wife of seven years cheated on me with a guy that used to work at the gym where she is currently a personal trainer. My daughter (4) asked me to help with youtube on mommy's phone. Her message app was open and I saw the texts. They were extremely explicit. Luckily I had the presence of mind to screenshot a portion before confronting her.

She confessed right away, I foolishly let her have her phone back and she deleted the rest of the texts. The affair is with a married man and they slept together at least 3 times. She left the house for a few hours. When she came back I "interviewed" her about the guy and what they did while recording the conversation. She told me certain lies about the nitty gritty details during this conversation that were revealed when I ran her phone with a recovery app. It was disgusting.

I told her that it needs to stop, she agreed. Her explanation was that she was lonely and this guy was new, fun, and exciting. I told the other man's wife- she didn't seem surprised. I also texted the guy and told him to stay away- he denied everything, then texted my wife (which she lied about) while I was in the same room with her. I told my wife that I'm willing to work on our relationship, but I'm so devastated. I woke up this morning feeling very numb and depressed. Shes agreed to marriage counseling and an STD check.

(I suppose I should mention that we've had relationship issues in regards to finance. I recently discovered she has shopped away $10k of our life savings and racked up $14k in debt. She has become extremely fit recently and is planning on competing in a bikini competition. Most of the money went to new clothes. I am now both poor and heartbroken.)

EDIT- We are both 28, married for seven years, two kids (daughter 4, son 2)

EDIT 2- Talked to her again this afternoon. Got her to agree to no contact letter, written timeline of the affair, all her passwords, post nuptial agreement, a separate bank account for me, and changing her number. The one sticking point (which is driving me nuts) is that she won't stop going to her "second" 24 hour gym that OM also attends. She says she won't do this because her friends go there and they are her support group for her competition. She says I'm controlling her. After fighting about this point for ten minutes I compromised by saying that every time you go to this gym you remember these words- "if his car is there you turn the fuck around and come home, you aren't working out that day." She accepted that. Is it too much to ask for her to not be in the same room as this guy?

Also idk what forum is appropriate to post updates like these...

[This message edited by ID10TForm at 4:43 PM, December 19th (Monday)]

posts: 16   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2016   ·   location: TX
id 7732737
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soulhurt ( member #52433) posted at 2:48 PM on Monday, December 19th, 2016

Hi there, so sorry this is happening to you. This is not your fault, your wife is acting very selfishly. She is making her selfish desires priority over the family.

It will be really hard emotionally for you the next few months. Try to detach from her if you can and focus on yourself and kids.

Sounds like you told the OBS, that's great and one of the best ways to end the affair. Don't make any decisions about the future right now. Ride out the emotional storm, detach from her and watch her actions. If you want to R don't tell her yet, take some time to think about what you need her to do. Words mean nothing, her actions will tell you if she is remorseful.

I'm so sorry this is happening, you have come to the right place for help and support. We all know your pain, we know what you are going through. Hang tough you make it past this.

Divorced

posts: 585   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2016   ·   location: USA
id 7732765
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 3:03 PM on Monday, December 19th, 2016

“Used to work” and the gym she “currently” works at…

Is there any interaction between the OM and your wife?

Does he train at the gym?

Did the affair take place at the gym?

Sometimes, if I feel lonely, I might start reading a new book. Or maybe watch TV. Or even mow the lawn. I never, ever think going out and finding someone to have sex with and thereby breaking some very basic vows as a good solution to loneliness.

The added aspects of the financial infidelity and even your WW choice of a sport that’s (more or less) based on external validation strongly indicate she has some serious issues. Issuse that MC wont help an iota to fix. She needs IC and she needs it fast. If she thinks the reasons she cheated are due to the marriage… you have no chance of reconciliation.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 13204   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 7732781
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william ( member #41986) posted at 3:09 PM on Monday, December 19th, 2016

im sorry you have to be here but glad you found us.

first, take care of yourself. eat, drink water, sleep. avoid alcohol.

second, all marriages have issues. lets assume half are your fault. you own them. the other half are on your wife. she owns them. did her issues impale your penis in a woman? nope. nor did yours impale a penis in her.

she could have talked to you, demanded marriage counseling, gotten a divorce, etc. all legit options.

she chose with many decisions to have an affair. she chose. she didnt tell you, didnt ask you, etc - you didnt force her to have an affair. she chose it. the cheating is 100% on her. you have no blame.

third, she didn just betray you. she betrayed your daughter too.

fourth, she didnt confess. she was caught. if she hadnt been caught the A would still be ongoing. she didnt tell the truth when caught. she lied again and deleted to conceal the truth. she might find remorse later but right now shes on cover her ass mode. dont be surprised if her next move is to blame you - its a page in the cheaters handbook.

you did well recording the confrontation and running recovery software. very smart!

she needs to change her phone # so om cant contact her. add in the pw to all emails, social media, phone, etc. transparency. those with nothing to hide dont hide things. privacy is closing the door when she goes poo, not allowing a proven liar to keep their methods of communicating secret.

look out for a burner phone. many ws get one to take the affair underground.

that gym needs to go. she blew it and proved she cant be trusted. if that means she can compete then its a consequence. poor muffin.

she needs to write a no contact letter. approved by you. you send it for her then change her contact details.

she needs to write a timeline of who, what, where, when, why. give her x time to do it and tell her if you find a lie or significant discrepancy then its auto divorce but that you wont auto d her for whats in it - that you will consider all carefully first.

average advice is 4-6 months to think before you decide reconcile or divorce. your emotions will be on a roller coaster.

to consider r you need her to have remorse vs regret. she needs to go to individual counseling to figure out why her boundaries are shit and why she would make such unhealthy choices.

she and you cant have sex til both of you have full std checks. she probably didnt have him wear a condom and even if shes the unicorn cheater that did condoms arent 100% safe.

read the healing library.

post often. we are here for you.

me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys

posts: 2162   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2014
id 7732785
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 ID10TForm (original poster new member #56477) posted at 3:29 PM on Monday, December 19th, 2016

Soulhurt- Thanks for the kind words, I worry about detaching from her. She has depression/anxiety, her father recently left her mother. She told me last night that she questions the whole idea of marriage now. It's already pretty strained in the house; we barely spoke this morning. Last night we talked for a long time (I did 90% of it- should I stop that?)

Bigger- They were both employees of the same gym. She still works there, he does not. I told her absolutely no contact with him and if he attempts to speak to her to tell me immediately. The affair took place in his car in a park near the gym. Thanks for the advice on IC, that's super helpful.

William- I have no appetite, couldn't sleep well at all. I noticed that last night she fell asleep within 30 seconds while I tossed and turned. I'll try to get her to change her phone number but it's very tied to her work. One of the things we talked about before all this is she thought I was trying to keep her away from pursuing her goals, like I was holding her back. I want her to succeed and be successful, I think making her change jobs would hurt more than help.

The timeline I'll ask her to do, I'm not really sure what a no contact letter entails can you elaborate? She said they wore condoms but I'm 99% sure shes lying based off the texts. I can't bring myself to read them again....

EDIT- I have access to free legal advice, I am active duty military. I plan on speaking with them first thing tomorrow. I got a babysitter so I can take care of stuff all day.

[This message edited by ID10TForm at 9:34 AM, December 19th (Monday)]

posts: 16   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2016   ·   location: TX
id 7732804
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PlanC ( member #47500) posted at 3:36 PM on Monday, December 19th, 2016

I am going to be an asshole and say cut your losses.

I promise you that a shopaholic spouse who takes on debt in the family name and hides it will destroy your family's future time and time again.

So...even if you get through the infidelity....and the fact that lies continue after discovery....you'd still have a lifetime of indentured servitude to look forward to.

BS 50; xWW. 4 children.
DD 1: April 2013, confessed ONS June 2012
DD 2: March 2014, confessed affair August 2012 through March 2013
DD 3: October 2015, involuntarily confessed 5 additional ONS starting August 2014 through November 2014 (manic)

posts: 2202   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2015
id 7732810
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 ID10TForm (original poster new member #56477) posted at 3:41 PM on Monday, December 19th, 2016

PlanC- I struggle with this thought as well. I have no guarantee that any of this will stop. I have no money, can't afford a divorce attorney. She has no job that will allow her to support our kids if she wins custody. If I win custody I have to somehow raise two kids while being Soldier that has to deploy in the very near future. I'll be stuck in the army, which is the cause of a lot of my unhappiness. It's a no win situation, which I guess is kinda the norm for these scenarios.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2016   ·   location: TX
id 7732819
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wordsofwisdom ( member #54083) posted at 3:44 PM on Monday, December 19th, 2016

ID10TForm, I wanted to kindly ask you: Do you believe that her wayward mentality have changed from the day she was caught? She has a severe flaw in her character, and I don't see any positive sign of her potential improvement. I'm very sorry for you and your kids, but please stay objective and trust your head rather than a mess of your emotions.

One day discovered my wife chasing her old sweetheart. Wished her good luck and moved on to better things and people.
Divorced: Jan 2010

posts: 550   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2016   ·   location: East Coast
id 7732823
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 ID10TForm (original poster new member #56477) posted at 3:50 PM on Monday, December 19th, 2016

wordsofwisdom- I really want to believe that her mentality changed. Maybe it's me just seeing what I want to see. She described the A as they started out as friends, then he initiated a PA, she reciprocated and started to develop feelings for him, then he would reject/ not talk to her and treat her indifferently until the next encounter. Idk if this provides any more insight into it.

EDIT- She told me last night that she thinks he's an asshole.

[This message edited by ID10TForm at 9:53 AM, December 19th (Monday)]

posts: 16   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2016   ·   location: TX
id 7732827
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confused615 ( member #30826) posted at 3:53 PM on Monday, December 19th, 2016

Did you actually speak to his wife? Or did you communicate through messages?

BS(me)44
FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10



..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


posts: 15220   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2011
id 7732831
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 ID10TForm (original poster new member #56477) posted at 3:55 PM on Monday, December 19th, 2016

confused615- Yeah I spoke to her on FB through messages. She didn't want any of the screenshots as she said shes already been through a lot (it was her birthday apparently and my wife says the OM has cheated on the OBS before)

posts: 16   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2016   ·   location: TX
id 7732836
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confused615 ( member #30826) posted at 4:00 PM on Monday, December 19th, 2016

Yeah....call her. OM knows you know...so he's been watching for you to try and contact his wife. It was probably him that you spoke to..not her.

Call her. Without warning your wife..because she will warn him.

If it was her that you were messaging, then simply tell her you wanted to make sure it was her..not him..And you will respect her wishes, and not contact her again.

BS(me)44
FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10



..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


posts: 15220   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2011
id 7732844
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wordsofwisdom ( member #54083) posted at 4:01 PM on Monday, December 19th, 2016

ID10TForm, please reread your initial post, read few other stories here, and get real. What I'm sure about is that your wife does not want to loose her family. But not because of you, not because she realizes how screwed her mind set is, but because she is SCARED of the consequences of her affair.

Why? Because for someone to change takes YEARS of deliberate and hard work. Because your story is not unique in a slightest.

Again, I wish you find a counselor, or at least a good book from the healing library of this website.

One day discovered my wife chasing her old sweetheart. Wished her good luck and moved on to better things and people.
Divorced: Jan 2010

posts: 550   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2016   ·   location: East Coast
id 7732846
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PlanC ( member #47500) posted at 4:08 PM on Monday, December 19th, 2016

A deployed soldier with an unfaithful shopaholic wife.....I can't imagine that much misery.

If she won't oppose the divorce, it is an easy process here in Texas. Google pro se divorce Texas and you can find a how-to manual written by the Texas bar.

You could also consider a post nuptial agreement that severs the community and retirement -- there is an attorney in Houston that sells them for around 500. If you have interest I can PM you how to search for him. This would keep her debts hers, in theory.

[This message edited by PlanC at 10:10 AM, December 19th (Monday)]

BS 50; xWW. 4 children.
DD 1: April 2013, confessed ONS June 2012
DD 2: March 2014, confessed affair August 2012 through March 2013
DD 3: October 2015, involuntarily confessed 5 additional ONS starting August 2014 through November 2014 (manic)

posts: 2202   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2015
id 7732851
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 ID10TForm (original poster new member #56477) posted at 4:09 PM on Monday, December 19th, 2016

wordsofwisdom- I want SO badly to believe she cares about me. Should I text her and ask, or will I just get another lie? Shes at work right now and I'm home with the kids on leave for 16 more days.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2016   ·   location: TX
id 7732853
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craig2001 ( member #55) posted at 4:14 PM on Monday, December 19th, 2016

Should I text her and ask, or will I just get another lie? Shes at work right now and I'm home with the kids on leave for 16 more days

I would think in person is much better. Texting is worthless if you want to see her body language. Words are cheap, especially with texting.

posts: 7391   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2002   ·   location: USA
id 7732862
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 ID10TForm (original poster new member #56477) posted at 4:16 PM on Monday, December 19th, 2016

PlanC- What do you mean sever the community and retirement? I get the retirement part, although I've been in the military for 8 years now so that option is a long way off for me.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2016   ·   location: TX
id 7732865
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wordsofwisdom ( member #54083) posted at 4:18 PM on Monday, December 19th, 2016

I know, I know how it feels. But, trust me, you will do much better if (probably with a help from a therapist) you will learn to support yourself and not seek support and peace externally.

Given that fact she have cheated on you, how wise it is to beg her for care? Don't give away your power to her. Be kind to yourself. You did nothing wrong, you are an honest man of integrity, and you don't deserve (and I hope you won't tolerate) lies. Please be kind to yourself, and please find individual counselor. We all are such a boiling mess when just found out – a week ago life was marvelous, and now – BOOM, the world is upside down. But please trust me – your destiny is your hands, don't give away your power to others, and especially to your wayward spouse.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 10:19 AM, December 19th (Monday)]

One day discovered my wife chasing her old sweetheart. Wished her good luck and moved on to better things and people.
Divorced: Jan 2010

posts: 550   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2016   ·   location: East Coast
id 7732868
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 ID10TForm (original poster new member #56477) posted at 4:22 PM on Monday, December 19th, 2016

wordsofwisdom- Great words, thank you. I guess I have been too much of a blubbery mess the past 36 hours. I was already seeing an individual counselor for stress and financial issues, it will just have to include this latest blow to my mental health. I'm gonna be in control of this.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2016   ·   location: TX
id 7732875
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wordsofwisdom ( member #54083) posted at 4:26 PM on Monday, December 19th, 2016

Great, I'm glad to see you are on the right track. We will stick around and will pull her for you, dear ID10TForm

One day discovered my wife chasing her old sweetheart. Wished her good luck and moved on to better things and people.
Divorced: Jan 2010

posts: 550   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2016   ·   location: East Coast
id 7732881
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