SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Letting her do the talking is the best thing, when she has finished do what a good therapist does. Say "and then?" or "what else?" since most people can't stand a silence she will talk more.

I think letting her know that you know the truth is a good tactic but you want her explanation as to what she thinks is happening.

You want confirmation and if she knows that you know "may" encourage her to be honest instead of gaslighting you. It would be terribly sad if she chooses to lie to your face to protect the new "soulmate" after your life together.

Let her know that any lies or TT will be the end of the R and the start of D.

Printing out the divorce forms from the county and having them on the table might show her things are getting real.

Good luck with however it goes.

Pure Gold from Wk55hn, this should be a stickie.

Some people are fucked up with their ideas about romantic "love." Men can be really screwed up. Women too, but the sexes are different. I grew up in a big family, had two sisters, pretty close, bedroom was next to mine. I am about 50, over the years I've seen that some of the shit they've come out with them and their friends, it's the same crap I heard them talk about when they were 12. Happily ever after, Prince Charming, destiny, soulmates. I don't know about you, but as I grew up, I looked around at older people, my parents, parents of my friends, uncles and aunts and in-laws, and I never met Prince Charming. Those long-term marriages were happy enough, contented, satisfied, indifferent, too-lazy-to-change - all kinds of marriages - but "happily ever after," "madly and passionately in love" - not a single one.

One of my friends a few years back tells me, "I'm divorcing, I haven't been happy for years." I told him "what the hell does 'happy' have to do with it? I know your parents, they married 30-something years, I'm pretty sure they weren't 'happy.' My parents weren't 'happy.' They loved each other, but not 'happy' like you think 'happy.' What's up, you been cheating?" And sure enough, that's what it was. He refused to give up the other woman, his wife divorced him, and the other woman left very shortly after she got him full-time - who knew? She only liked being taken on dates and told how hot she was, she didn't want to deal with all his shit.

So your wife? I think she doesn't have a clue. I think she has some childish fantasy-type ideas about real life. Dude, she's in love with another guy. She's been with you 14 frigging years, she met this other jackass a few months ago. And somehow she can't choose between you and him? Are you kidding me? Fuck her. Let her go be mommy to that jerk and his two little offspring. See how that works out for her.

And you? You've been enabling her. Waiting for her to choose. Again, are you kidding me? You are a successful young guy, do you know the value of a guy like you on the dating scene? Loyal? Able to commit? Reliable, successful, NORMAL? Women your age can't find guys like that too easy.

When I found out, I confronted my wife as soon as the kids were in bed, and I told her if she is so "in love" with other man, she should be with him, as a matter of fact, let's start packing, I'll help, I'll give him a call, he wins, and I'll be sending you over to him shortly. I was so damn angry. I hope you finally found your anger.

When you confront her, tell her that she has complete control of herself, and you don't want to control her. But you can control yourself, too, and you don't want to be in a 3-way relationship. It is unacceptable to you. You would be willing to work on the marriage in good faith, if she did, but in no way if there is a third person in the marriage. UNACCEPTABLE. You will work on the marriage if she drops the other man and gives you evidence that she has ended it, otherwise you are moving forward. You will not tell her what you plan to do, but it might include divorce, and you will do whatever you want to do when you are ready to do it. You make no promise that you will be willing to work on the marriage in the future. Your feelings are changing up and down every day, and you might decide you don't want to bother if she pushes you further.

Tell her you don't care if she calls it an "affair" or a "friendship" or a "flirtation" or whatever the hell she wants to call it, it is UNACCEPTABLE.

Do not give any ultimatums, let her know you are moving on, then distance yourself from her, detach, be polite, but do not talk with her of your relationship, the future, nothing but mundane chores, finances, or small talk, nice weather, isn't it. Be as happy as you can. If you can't detach, if you can't stay with her unless you are angry or sad, then stay out of the house more, come in late, go to bed, then go to work. If she wants to talk with you about the relationship, ask her if she did what you asked - drop him and give you evidence. If no, then tell her, "I have nothing to say. I refuse to be in a marriage with three people."

If you file and get her served, great. It takes a while to go through that process, and you can take her back if you decide. If you can't force yourself to file, fine, just get distant and detach. You will file when you are ready.

Even if she agrees to ending the affair, but she works with him, so that is really problematic. But you can cross that bridge if you ever arrive at that situation.

Listen to Whk55n, this man is always on point. You are getting some great advice, especially from chance, bigger and everyone else.

My question that I have for you, why are you waiting to expose? Blow her world out of the water!

You're looking to make this real for her? This will do it.

I'm not so sure that telling her parents will really matter. It may work for you and it may not. Just remember that blood is thicker than water. My in-laws sheltered and protected my wife. Made excuses for her behavior and generally minimized all of it.

If you're truly able to follow through on your talks here, then you are 99% ahead of where most of us were in your shoes.

Let me ask about yourself though. Do you have any trusted people you can talk to? If not, of course we are always here. It is therapeutic to be able to voice our anguish though. Do you have a pastor or family you can talk to? My pastor and his wife were tremendous in helping our marriage. He is and always will be one of my best friends.

Have you been to your dr yet? They've seen this over and over. Let them know that you can't sleep or if you're anxious or depressed. This ain't easy! My Dr, who has known my wife and I from the beginning of her practice, was floored. Her only concern was taking care of me. Don't be embarrassed, that can truly keep you from some great help. And as everyone else has stated, get tested for an STD. There's nothing for you to be embarrassed about. This is all on her.

I work in a plant of about 1600 people. I would say that at least 75% our employees have been through the same thing. I would've never guessed the support I could get.

Take all the advice from friends and co-workers with a grain of salt. Most people who haven't been through this can never understand what you are going through. Don't let anyone tell you (especially your wife) to just get over it. This is Hell.

I'm praying for you and I'm glad you're able to be firm, but don't forget to take care of manualgtr.

Another thing to help make it real including the divorce packet would be a real estate house for sale sign sitting in the kitchen ready to be stuck in the yard.

What does Prince Posom's wife say about her ex?

Does your wife think Prince Posom will be a good dad to her kids? Better than the part time dad he is now?

How many more kids does she know Prince Posom

wants to raise with her?

Manual,

Just a reminder. You are in complete control now. Do your best to project that when engaging your WW. You are the faithful spouse. You didn't write this chapter of the story but you alone get to decide how this story ends.

Strength, calmness, decisiveness. Good things are heading in your direction brother. hard to see now I know. Just keep pushing forward. I hope last night went well.

When going through hell...keep going. - Churchill

Manual

How are you today? You have received some invaluable advice. Read then reread and as hard as it is be strong. Don't let her see the pick me side that we all secretly have. Let her see the do what the fuck you want but do it out of this house and marriage side!

Hugs sent out!

Manual,

First of all, I am so so sorry you are here. Reading your story is like reading my own. I'm 30, my wife and I are successful, no kids, been together over a decade, sweetest person I have ever known... never saw the affair with a co worker coming. Completely devastated and changed my view on a variety of things. You have an advantage I didn't though, you found this amazing community and dove right in from the start. I found this place after 2 months and had already made a few bad decisions.

You already have a tremendous amount of good advice from people who have been where you are, and know how this feels. This place is a wonderful resource. DEVOUR the information here. Go to the healing library, read the FAQs, continue to petition the community for help... you are on the right path.

However, please remember that everyone here has their own story. We are all deeply impacted by our experiences. You will see that impact in our advice, and how we react to your decisions. People will say things that can hurt sometimes. They will tell you that at your young age, with no kids and a good career, it's not worth sticking around in this marriage. They will tell you that no matter what your wife says, she most likely slept with him. They will tell you all sort of statistics and refer to what we call, "The Cheater's Handbook." Know that all the advice you will get here is coming from a good place. We want you to not just get through this, but keep your dignity and strength in the process. We want you to not make the same mistakes that we did when we trusted our spouses. The advice and opinions you read here are JUST that though. Most of our beliefs come from our experiences here, and seeing all of the similarities that crop up between them. Take what you need from this place, and leave the rest.

At the end of the day remember that you know yourself better than anyone on here. You even know your wife better than anyone on here (although it may not feel like it right now). In my opinion this one event in your marriage does not change all the trials and tribulations you two have been through together. It doesn't erase the past. It may cast a shadow on it, and it absolutely WILL change the future. Your marriage will never be the same, but it doesn't have to end. It can be different.

The best advice that I can give you... be firm. Trust when you are ready, but verify. Focus on YOU. She was selfish when she had the affair (and it WAS an affair), it is time for you to be selfish now. You don't have to be an ass, just be firm with what YOU need. Trust your gut, not your heart.

I highly recommend the 180. Right now your wife isn't being honest with you. She isn't currently R material. The best thing you can do for yourself, and your marriage, is start moving on. She needs to wake up if she wants to keep you, and sometimes that requires you to be in a position to let the marriage go.

File for divorce. Divorce takes a lot of time to finalize. You can always take your spouse back. In the meantime you need to start getting what you need and she needs a wake up call. What she did needs to be pulled out of the realm of selfishness and fantasy. She needs to realize that the life she has grown familiar with is actually on the line, and she will respect you more for it.

This was not your fault. You did NOT deserve this. You did NOT ask for this. You were faithful, and honored your vows. Any consequence that comes from this is her fault, and hers alone.

If she wants to be R material she needs to:

1. Own the affair.

2. Send the OM a NC letter, and prove to you that she did it.

3. Willingly give up the right to privacy.

4. Willingly give you a timeline of events, and all the details that you personally need to heal and make sense of the situation.

5. Go to individual counseling.

6. Quit work / Tell HR / Tell the COW to quit - They can't continue to work together.

7. Be willing to do WHATEVER else you need to heal the marriage (tell everyone, take a lie detector test, sign a post-nup, MC, talk about it endlessly, ANYTHING.)

Only then does your marriage have a chance.

Be strong brother.

I hope I'm not too late.

I think tonight I'm going to confront her and just pour my heart out and admitted I have read the texts. Does anyone know what I should do or say? Should I do it in a cold way or a sad emotional way.

NO.

Do NOT show any weakness, especially emotional weakness. Nothing will drive her away from you faster than any cracks in your armor. Women will not stay with weak men in situations like this.

In your first post, you said she was your rock. Women hate being the rock. You need be the rock.

For those interested in my story I met with a lawyer today and she's going to be served soon. I did not pour my heart out and tell her how much I loved her. She is still in contact with the OM after she told me she would end it. She tried to get me to sleep in the same bed with her last night but I declined.

I am going to be meeting with a therapist to see if I can get antidepressants prescribed as now I'm still feeling absolute sadness. Trying to stay out of the house as much as possible. Looking at her texting smiling on her phone and knowing she's probably sexting this other dude I'm just done. At this point I think once she gets the papers she's going to run into the arms of her boyfriend which is a fear of mine I just need to get over. Hopefully she realizes what she's throwing away. Still implementing the 180 and went to the gym today(first time since I found out two weeks ago).

[This message edited by manualgtr at 7:44 PM, January 12th (Thursday)]

Does that mean you didn't confront her either? Did you question her about why she's back to talking to him after telling you she wanted to try to work on relationship?

Have you read Whk55n post? I really believe that's the route you should take.

Has she "noticed" that you have done the 180? Or changed her behaviour to your being in the guest bedroom? Any reaction?

In my story my wife did her texting in the bathroom or away from me. but this was a few years before everyone using their smart phones 90% of our waking hours.

To have her texting him while you are there shows an extreme lack of respect (so does the affair) and just plain shittiness. Do you ask to see her phone when does this?

Yet she still wants you to share a bed...? Have you discussed things any further or are you waiting to have more discussions after she is served.

When I read these posts I hope that the wayward people will come to their senses and do the right thing to save their marriage, in your case I am still hoping that she has a come-to-Jesus moment and realizes that she has her head up her ass.

I looks like you are doing the right things and hope that there's a positive outcome. Remember you are still very early in this long journey. You are about to move into the next phase

Look out for yourself, talk to a trusted friend or two and post here for as long as you need to.

At this point I think once she gets the papers she's going to run into the arms of her boyfriend which is a fear of mine I just need to get over

I've got 3 kids. Love them for sure, but trust me, kids are like gasoline to any spark of disagreement between a couple. Your wife has never cared for kids in a mom role? She's got a rude awakening coming. Right now its an affair. Its all the fun stuff. None of the stuff that a real relationship has to endure. If she runs to him that shit will crumble faster than the oreos his kids smash in her favorite purse. It wont work. Even if it does that just means you're free from living with a cheater. OR..She may wake up once served and become the woman you used to know. Either way you win.

I know the feeling, watching your wife sexting in your face. My WW would go sit on the toilet and text goodnight to her lover while I waited in bed for her.

If there is an upside to this crisis it is that you dont have kids together and you are very young. You have a long life ahead of you. If I were in your shoes keep the house find a single buddy to move in and pay some rent and focus on yourself and having fun. Learn some new hobbies like scuba skiing a musical instrument body building ect ect whatever interests you. Have fun be free while you can.

She said she wants to sleep in the same bed because it just helps her sleep at night better being next to me. No I didn't confront her, that's going to happen when she gets served. I told her I loved her I want this marriage to work if you contact the OM again, I'm going to be filing. She seemed very receptive to it at first, but has broken NC secretly. It seems very much like she took my threat of divorce as a blank one.

The dude has two kids and I want to ask his ex wife why they divorced but I'm not sure. The dude just fed her compliments and showered her with attention she thought she wasn't getting from me, so now "she's in love". She got mad at me for not wanting to sleep in the same bed as her.

WW: Honey this is ridiculous just come back to our bedroom.

Me: No I'm good, I feel much more comfortable sleeping with the dog than an unfaithful spouse.

WW: I'm NOT TALKING TO HIM ANYMORE(she was lying doesn't know I know). JUST PLEASE COME TO BED (Tears)

Me: I'm not going to sleep in the same bed as you unless you prove you can start acting like a loyal and respectful wife, other than that leave me alone.

WW: I'm setting up an appointment with a MC, I'm so sick of this bullshit. (Leaves to the bedroom, probably to go vent to the OM).

That was last night and today we've barely spoken. She has texted me (responded with very short answers). She asked for my work scheduled so she can set up a MC appointment for both of us, useless if she's still having an affair.

[This message edited by manualgtr at 8:51 PM, January 12th (Thursday)]

MC is for way down the road. There is no marriage right now. She needs to go to IC and prove that she is in this before there is a marriage to counsel.

You are doing the right thing. She's still in the fog and doesn't get it yet. She is deluded herself into thinking that she can get away with this. She thinks you don't know enough and that acting like it is not a big deal and that you are crazy is cause for you to go to MC. That is major league blame shifting.

Stay the course!

Also, don't wait to confront her. Confront her now. Don't play games. Tell her you know and that the gig is up.

WW: Honey this is ridiculous just come back to our bedroom.

Me: No I'm good, I feel much more comfortable sleeping with the dog than an unfaithful spouse.

WW: I'm NOT TALKING TO HIM ANYMORE(she was lying doesn't know I know). JUST PLEASE COME TO BED (Tears)

Me: I'm not going to sleep in the same bed as you unless you prove you can start acting like a loyal and respectful wife, other than that leave me alone.

WW: I'm setting up an appointment with a MC, I'm so sick of this bullshit. (Leaves to the bedroom, probably to go vent to the OM).

That was last night and today we've barely spoken. She has texted me (responded with very short answers). She asked for my work scheduled so she can set up a MC appointment for both of us, useless if she's still having an affair.

Assuming you have solid PROOF she is still in contact, Well done. Don't tell her how you know she is still in contact

[This message edited by Chance819 at 9:14 PM, January 12th (Thursday)]

Did you have proof that she's texting him (not her sister or friend) after the NC agreement? Can she prove she didn;t?

Right now both of you have a stew of emotions, there's love and hopelessness, anger and "I give up!" or "I'll save this and never give up!" Conflicting emotions and thoughts constantly changing and getting weaker and stronger.

Right now you are in the "best" place in a crappy situation. You want to save the marriage but are willing end it if need be. You are acting and she will be reacting. When she becomes mad it's showing she's losing control and is off balance. Don't feed it.."I'm sorry you feel that way" is sometimes a good reaction.

You are are not in LaLa land riding a unicorn. She is. She has no answers and admits it. One the reality hits her she will panic and make promises and apologize up and down, she will lie and truth, she will threaten to leave or smother you with sex (or try).

Hang in there and be strong.

What color is the GTR?

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 9:13 PM, January 12th (Thursday)]

MC is a waste of time and money if one of the spouses is in an active affair. We have so many threads of spouses getting a pile on from the counselor taking the WW's side.

Didn't you say that one of your friends came to you with knowledge of the affair. You have enough to confront without exposing your access to her phone/tablet.

Anger is better than despair and you have a lot to be angry about. I know you don't want to lose her but it sounds like you already have. Her being cold toward you today means she was with him.

Tell her if you want to choose a divorce dad you've known for a few months over me then you should go. Pack your shit and go to him.

This will be the biggest mistake of her life. Relationships born of adultery have a very high failure rate. Does she really want to be a part time mom to another man's kids? She has no idea what reality with this douche will be like.

As for you, there will be pain for a while but if you work on yourself within a year or so, you'll be with a younger hotter girl and be kicking yourself for even considering taking a lying ..... back

[This message edited by Jsmart at 9:31 PM, January 12th (Thursday)]

She wasn't sexting him these past few days, just venting about all the stuff that's happening between me and her and them talking about other stuff. One of her friends came to me and informed me that she was having an affair after I already discovered it (mutual friend of ours).

I'm having all her texts pulled up and she doesn't even realize it. I may be naive but I think I have a chance. I love this woman but I'm not going to wait forever. I'm not second place to anyone. The affair is going to be exposed to her family if she runs to the other man, not gonna tell her that threat.

I'm better than the other guy (physically and financially) so that's why I think I have a better shot than him. If we reconcile she's going to put in 10x more effort than I have to if we want to make this work. Also sadly i don't have a GTR, I would like to purchase one in the near future though!